The Decision Is Already Made, I Mainly Need Someone to Tell Me It Will Be Ok

To me it really sounds like this is the best choice. Maybe he needs a very strong role model in his life. They say the most influential person in a childs life is the same sex parent. Maybe the change will do him good I have always said that being a SAHM I can tell my kids over and over and over again no and the second their dad comes home from work and says it then they listen.. like they have selective hearing and maybe he just needs to hear dad for a while. i know this is hard but i think what you are doing is the right choice... K.

Hi B.,
As a kid that was sent to live with her dad, let me please tell you that it will be ok. My mom and I grew a stronger bond after I left. It was kind of nice to just talk about the positive things and not always me being a disappointment. Teenagers are tough and it's really probably nothing you did or didn't do. Stubborn is just stubborn. I don't know how far Tyler will live from you once he moves with his dad but stay an active part of his life and support him in after school activities if there are any. Showing support is probably the most important thing for a teenager (even if they don't want anyone to know who their parents are!) My mom and I have a great relationship now and all it took was for me to grow up a little and realize that the world doesn't revolve around me :) I'm a well adjusted adult with a college degree and a wonderful marriage. (oh and a baby on the way) Really......you two will be ok and it will be nice for you to be the "fun" parent for a while. Stay strong!

I don't have anything to help, I just wanted to say that I feel for you. No advice, just support. It will be okay.

K.

This sounds like my friend's story, except that her son was a senior in high school. She couldn't handle it anymore. Her son was doing the same thing...getting detention, failing classes, skipping detention. He failed his senior year, and she finally had to send him to his dad. He has now graduated. He has really changed, for the better. Now, he and his mom have a good relationship, where before, he would hardly give her the time of day. He's a totally different kid. But, don't waste this time... pray your socks off! God can do wonders! That's how my friend made it through the guilt. She's happier now, and so is he.

When you have done the best you can do, thre is no reason to feel guilty. I think feeling guilty goes with being a parent though. You are not giving up on him, that would be the wrong decision. You are not telling him he is unloved, that would be a bad decision. You have not told him you dont care, that would be a bad decision. Everything that you are doing tells him that you love him. It tells him that you want what is best for him and that you feel like you can not give it to him right now. It tells him that you love him enough to make real hard decisions for his benefit.

The other kids will see that as well. They will see it as an act of love and they understand.

Kids reach a point in life, a point when they start making decisions for themselves. They begin to understand that the values they choose do not have to be the values that mom and dad have. All of us reach that point in life at different times. Your son is finding his way, making his own decisions and they are not what you want for him. That does not make you a failure. At some point, our children see the consequences of the way they behave. At some point they have to face the real world and it is not always kind. When they are little we do our best to give them consequences that will keep them on the right track. Eventually they have to decide, and we have to let them. That makes you a parent, not a failure!!

If you feel you have made the right decision, then take a deep breath and allow yourself to recognize the difference between being a parent and being a failure.

You will be ok and so will the kids. You love your kids and are doing what you think is best for them. It is never easy to send a child away or leave one behind.

I did just that, I left one behind. He was not a troubled kid, but we were afraid that is what he would become. I moved from Illinois to Missouri 8.5 years ago. At that point my oldest child was 16 and did not want to leave. He said he would come if I "made" him, however, he wanted to stay in Illinois. Between my ex and my current husband, we all decided that it was best for him to stay where he was. Ultimately he ended up living with my ex's parents until they both passed away. He was able to grow up, and spend precious time with the grandparents that he adored (they died at an early age, grandma was 60 and grandpa died 3 years later at 66). He did make mistakes, he has three kids with his high school girlfriend, they are no longer together. He went through some things, but all in all he has become a Fine Young Man, whom I am very proud of. If I had made him move here he would have caused problems and disrupted the whole family. He would have missed out on spending that quality time with his grandparents. I brought two other kids with me to Missouri and they have both thrived.

Long story short: Sometimes we have to separate families to make them better. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Will you adjust? Yes.

I think that you are doing the right thing. God Bless you, and rest assured that you are a Good Mom.

I have been on the other end of this situation...my stepson came to live with us for 8 years...his Mother just wasn't up to dealing with the challenges that he was presenting. I hope that you and your former husband have a good working relationship...that will be the first big step to making this thing work!!! The two of you need to present a united front to all of your children...let them know that this decision is because you love your son and want what is best for him. Does your husband have a computer??? Maybe you could get webcams for both of the computers...so that the children can see each other and keep in touch via computer?? Cell phones will give you unlimited access to long distance calls....let the younger children do things to keep their brother in their lives...make little gifts....dictate letters/emails to him...you can do this!!
Dont feel like a failure..you are doing this FOR your son, trust your instincts...take it day by day and you and your son...and your other children will come out on the other end of this....a close loving family!!

Dear B.,
Fist of all a huge hug for you. I know your heart is broken right now. I'm in awe of what you are doing. Putting your son's needs before your own. Trust me, its better to have a broken heart because of doing the right thing than to have a broken heart because you couldn't do anything to stop your son from destroying his life. You are not sending him away, you are sending him to his father, who is also responsible for how the boy turns out.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are a mother who is doing whatever is necessary to save her son. Whenever those feelings come over you, you get back on mamasource and reread all the responses you have received.

Your other children will know that their mom will do anything and everything to make sure her children have the best chance to grow up to be good people.

God bless you and comfort you

B.,
you have some wonderful responses here and I too wanted to offer my support. You made a tough decision and I think you made the right one.

I agree with Shannon H that it may help for his dad to get him involved in some type of therapy to figure out the root cause of all of this. I think that you and his dad may need to have a serious conversation about what you have already tried, what he might decide to try, and some ground rules (you just want to be sure he won't be too permissive and that this is NOT just a free for all for you son and he can do whatever he wants). Some things you have already tried may have a different effect if coming from his dad. You never know.

In these types of situations, it often helps to ask, "what does this child need that he is not currently getting?" It may take some therapy to figure that out. He may not even know himself, but once that need is met, it may clear some things up and get to the root of the problem. You may need to be persistent with his dad that your son gets therapy or counseling.

Hang in there and best wishes! Great job for going with your motherly instinct.

Ive never had to endure what youre going through and I pray that I never do, however, even though its hard for you, parents need a break sometimes too, just like kids sometimes need a break from their parents. Youre not a bad mom for sending him to his dad's. It doesnt have to be permanent but right now, maybe its for the best. Sometimes (even though dads can be lazy and passive when it comes to discipline) boys need a male role model. Sometimes their dad is all it takes, just being there with him. Look at this as a positive "break" and see how he does with his dad. Give it some time and then maybe he can come back to live with you if you see any improvement. I work in the mental health field and see this often with kids and their parents. Defiance can tear a family apart and sometimes parents feel that they have no other choice but to send them away, not only for the child's benefit but for the parent's sanity as well! I would suggest having his dad get him into therapy to work on oppositional behavior and try to determine where the root of all of these behaviors are coming from. Sounds to me like he could have an anger issue as well. Often times defiance and anger go hand in hand, but not always. I hope this helps. Hang in there, I know its tough but it may be for the best. Time will tell and if its not for the best, the situation can always be re-evaluated. Good luck and God bless!

Hi B., I haven't been through this, but I think that if you feel that his dad can be a good influence on him and get him on track then you do it. I have a friend that sent her son (who sounded just like you son) to military school in Mexico, MO. She said she felt like a failure and it was the hardest thing to do, but she knew it was for the best. He was to the point that he would throw stuff and hit walls, she had a toddler and was actually afraid that the little was could get hurt, not on purpose, but when her son had a fit he didn't pay attention. Well 3 years latter (he was 13 when she sent him) he is a diffrent kid. He is polite, respectful and is making plans for his future. She now says it was the best and hardest thing to do. He was also taking riddlin (sp) and the public school kept trying to increase, the military school has decreased the amount of meds he needs. The routine worked wonders for him.

While I don't think you should sign up for military school, the point is it may be hard but if dad can help then it will be worth it. You have his future to think of. You have to make sure that he turns into a good man and it sounds like you are taking steps to make sure that happens! Good luck!

Hi B.,
I have a 13 year old legal custody son who did the same thing last year in the 7th grade. I think it is the transition age from a kid to becoming a teenager. They think that rules were made to be broken. They don't have to listen to their parents, and on and on. We had threaten our son with Military School, and that was the only thing that got his attention.

He has been an "A" student since pre-school until last year. He did not do his homework or any class assignments, or would wait until the night before they were due to try to complete them with our help.
We packed all his electronic game systems and games and he did not have them from Dec. 07 until June 08 after the school year ended. The only TV station he could watch was PBS.

He is a little better this year, but I think it's the harmones raging!
Since the decision is already made send him there long enough for him to realize how good he had it with you.
Then reassess your decision.
Good luck!

Wow. As I was driving home from dropping my recalcitrant, obnoxious, defiant (but basically good) kid off at school today, I thought "I should write a book about moms who feel like a failure because they've done so many 'right' things only to have a negative response from the kid. Then, I open my MamaSource and read this! Oh, and I spent hours crying just last night because I believe I have failed as a parent. So, I definitely think you are not alone and have done a lot of really good and right things for your son to make positive decisions. (Also, I believe in "signs" and I wonder if this is God's way of telling me to really think about writing this book.) Hang in there and know you are all right -- some kids are less flexible, more defiant, and much more difficult than others. I'm betting as much as you hate to see him go, there will be a tremendous shift of energy in your home without the constant battle and stress. Just explain to your younger daughter that this is a unique situation with your son based on his behavior. I understand!

I think it's perfectly natural for a 13 year old boy to need and want his dad. There's a point in a boy's life where they need a male role model, especially if they haven't had one (or their chosen one) around as much as they want. I'd look at it as a good thing for him at this stage in his life. It's time to let him go a little bit, as he tries to become a man. Being understanding of his confusion in navigating the teenage world will probably forge a good bond between the two of you that he will lean on later - when he's ready.

I think you are right to send him to his Dad's for awhile. Tyler could be lashing out because he is at that "rebellion age" and maybe having his father "take charge" of the situation might help. Hold your head high...I believe everything will work out for the best. You could also work out a visitation "schedule" that suits all 3 of you. Keep the lines of communication open to show Tyler you are still there for him.

We don't have the extra family situation, but I also had to send my son away for a while for his own and everyone else's good. It will hurt, and it will hurt bad, but don't let it break you apart. You are doing the right thing, and it will get easier. It may just be he needed his dad for a while, and he will appreciate you more, and decide to come home and live by your rules. But, remember, if he finds it hard to live there, and he wants to come back home, don't rescue him right away. He has to behave there for so long, and sign some kind of contract that these are the privileges, the rules, the consequences, and everyone agrees on them. And, it will be on trial basis. You may never get to that point, but it may be an option. I think you made the right decision, just don't have him jumping back and forth. He will probably need to stay there for a while or for good, and he may become a very good son on visitation. Just be firm with the rules. Don't give him an inch.

Yes, it breaks Mom's heart when we feel there is something we could have done to prevent it. Sometimes the Lord sends us a trial so we can appreciate the boring quiet times. :)

You have one up on me, that this was your decission and it will be good for him. my girls chose to go. but my son went along and chose to come back the next year. but the girls have stayed away. A couple of their friends have moved to their other parent's. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT for the best. I understand all you are feeling. Those feelings do fade some, stay busy with the kids in your home, and it won't hurt so much.

Good Luck to you and your children, I will keep you all in my prayers.
R.

It will be rough in the beginning but it sounds as if he needs a man around(just a guy thing). You aren't a failure. Create a photo album for your little one and show him each day. Have a long talk with your daughter and reassure her.

Good luck,
D.

B.,
talk talk talk talk! i know that your youngest is way too little to understand, but if your daughter understands it'll be easier on her. don't make it a punishment, just make it positive and make sure everyone (including your oldest son) knows that they are loved. unfortunately your youngest son will probably not be as close to his big brother as he would be if he was there all the time, BUT, they are very separated in age, so as kids they're probably not going to be super close anyway. my brother and i weren't (i'm ten years older than he is), but now as adults we're super close. just some thoughts. you'll get through this. you're doing what you feel is right, so stick to it and keep being a great mom, helping all of your babies. good luck!

It will be ok. My son is 14 and his temperment is up and down. Puberty does strange things to everything about them. Sometimes a change in the routine can help break the cycle. As long as he knows you aren't abandoning him, things should be ok. It just takes a bit of time and patience.

I could write a book on my situation! Although a bit different from yours...same outcome at the end
My ex was not involved for 9 years (1994-2003) he showed up one day out of the blue and demanded to see his kids (I didn't even know who he was then) anyway, after court and getting everything worked out, my kids had to go spend 2 weeks with him that summer, Christmas, spring break and 4 weeks the next summer. The summer of 05 my daughter did not want to go (she realized it wasn't so great after all) my son went for 4 weeks...and decided he wanted to live there. So he came home so he could get some more of his stuff, we got the paperwork drawn up, and away he went. (From KS to AL)
He has been there since 2005....he is now in 11th grade. He had some behavior issues and they seem to be much better now.
He comes for visitation, holidays and such when we can all afford it...he now knows he hates to ride the bus. The only stipulation we put on this move that has made things hard, is that once he started HS, he had to stay, and he could not get mad at dad and come to mom and vise versa. He has said he hates it there, and wants to come back here, but I think he would hate it here, he did not get along with my hubby before.
I miss him terribly...thats to be expected! When he left here his little brother almost 3. Darin loves his bubby...and I make sure that whenever Thomas calls or I call him that he talks to Darin. They have a good relationship...Darin is now 6 and he remembers his brother and always asks when Thomas is gonna come to see us again.

Well i had to do the same thing, there are somethings a boy needs and that is a male roll model. The man needs to be with his son throug some certain ages of his life. He needs the decipline from a stern hand as well as male advice. You are doing yourself and him a huge justice by doing this. If you had not done all you could and ignored it until he ends up in a world of trouble, or hurt then you could be a failure. Your daughter will need you as the roll model in her teen years and trust me this is when you will need to rest up for the challange. This could be the turning point for your son and you, He will come to miss what you are and have done. Of course it will be difficult at first do not call him every day, let him call you. Let him and your daughter know that you feel this ajustment is neccessary for him to get to know his dad and spend time with him, tell him it is not permanant he can come back but not because he has a fight with his dad, but because he is wanting to be a part of the family again and is willing to obey rules such as go on in life for the rest of his life. Tell her that boys need to be with a man at a certain and its a guy thing. Good Luck.

Try reading love and logic for teenagers.

B.-

It will definitely be ok. My family went thru a similar situation when my brother was 14. My mom agonized over it and had many of the same feelings and responses that you have. In fact, she was afraid that it wasn't in my brother's best interests to go, but had to let him, as he was at an age where he was allowed to decide for himself. The year ended up being a big eye opener for both my brother and my dad. My brother gained a whole new appreciation for everything my mom had done for him and learned to control his anger issues in a more positive way. In fact, he came back to live with us less than a year later.

I know this seems like the end of the world, but it will most likely end up being a great thing for him (and you) in the long run. Just make sure you explain the situation fully to your other kids and reassure them of their place in your home.

Hang in there!

I haven't been there and have no advice, but just wanted to express my support and send some hugs your way. I can only imagine how hard this must be for all of you. You are doing what is right for your family with all the right intentions.
The good part is that very little is permanent, and you can all "tweak" plans as you go along, so that the outcome is best for all. Hang in there! Life is trial and error...and all we can do is our best. You're doing that!

Besty,

You have made the hardest discision of your life. Your son will know that you love him. And it will be alright. Keep your chin up and remind your other children this is the best for thier brother...Good Luck Hon

Yes it will be ok and more. this is a learning time for all of you and it may be the best for him to spend time with his
Dad to help him grow. You are not a bad parent or teacher and he is trying to grow in the only way he sees his life-this is not from anything you have done-it is his working on decisions. Some peopole have a hard time making the best choices for their life and it has to come from him. (And will be all his) Something you may want to look into are some of the programs offered to help young people to make the best decisions they can and to find out about themself along their way. These programs are often done in summer survival modes in "outback type" areas and/or camps specifically for troubled/struggling youth. You can look on-line, check with family programs, school, boy/girls clubs, and talk to religious leaders in your community. These are wonderful programs with trained people to help young ones learn to make the best out of situations and find help with the right "teams". They often offer help with scholarships too. Hang in there Mom and you may want to find a counselor to talk to for yourself and his siblings-this is not an easy time and there are no wrong ways to do things just tough ones. My love to you and your family. Don't ever give up they are our children and need our guidence- everywhere!

B.:
Im responding both as a professional counselor and as a mother who has been through this.

You will get through this. It will feel like pure hell for a while but ultimately it may be what is best for everyone. If not its okay to allow him to come back, as long as there are set guidelines. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to get counseling and to also place your son into counseling. Once you are through the toughest part, your counselor may want to include your younger children to help them also. By attending both individual and family counseling with your oldest son you can work on the issues of anger, abandonment and all the others that come along with this type of situation.

With regard to my situation, My daughter was having difficulty at school when she was in middle school. She and her dad felt that she could "fix" things by moving in with him and going to his school district. While I verbalized that I didnt think it would work I let her go. My agreement with her was that she had to stay the entire semester and not bounce back and forth. The first two weeks after she left I did nothing but cry. I would go and sit in her room for hours. I sought counseling and also placed her into counseling. It didnt take her a month to figure out that middle school is difficult no matter where you go and problems occur everywhere. She begged me to come back and as difficult as it was I made her tough it out the entire semester. She came back after that semester and has never again wanted to move.

It didnt indicate in your email how far away your ex resides. What made things a little more tolerable for me was that my ex only lived 20 minutes away. I was able to be with my daughter on weekends and on Tuesday nights when I would take her to counseling. I hope this email helped a little. Please do not feel like a failure, because YOU ARENT...Dont let others try to tell you that you should have done things differently. You and your ex are the experts in regard to your son, not well meaning friends or family members. Hang in there and let me know how things go...Take care

Good Morning B., May our Precious Lord give you unlimited peace. B. there is not one thing wrong with allowing your son to live with his father for now. He may actually straighten up. Especially if your Ex is in on what your son has been doing and Not doing. Detentions, Suspensions etc.
It really sounds like he is fighting authority tooth and nail. It can do him good to find and make new friends, new environment, new teachers.

Pray B. he will be willing to straighten up and fly right.
Especially if his dad does the same type of disicpline that you have. "WOW Dad is like mom, I can't get away with anything here either".
Let your little girl know this is only to help her Brother do better in school. It's not because he isn't loved, it's to help him not get in so much trouble at school. As he has made a few wrong decisions, and Mom & Dad have tried helping him, and his teachers are also having a hard time correcting them.
Maybe Daddy can help your brother a little more.
Make it simple, and easy to understand.
Don't allow your son to lay Guilt Trips on you either.
There are reactions to His actions.

Hang in there B., you will be OK and so will your son.
Keep in contact with his dad, with open, honest communication.

God Bless you B.,
K. Nana of 5
"If God brings you to it, He will bring you Through it".

B. - You made the best decision although it's tough. Boys, especially teenage boys, need their fathers / male role modles. Don't feel badly, but smile knowing you're doing the best thing for him. Now is the time where boys learn to be men and his father can help him do that. Sure you're going to cry when he leaves, but you're doing the right thing. Hugs from another SAHM of boys!