Seperation Anxiety - San Francisco, CA

Hi S.,

Awh, poor thing! I hope you get some helpful replies here. I have to say, I think this is the life of a mom (especially if breastfeeding)! The first few years she'll be stuck on you like glue on paper but it shall pass...it always does.

I know it's exhausting and I know how much you must really want a break but remember when you are eighty you will remember how much she wanted and needed you and you will be thankful for this time. She won't always be your little girl who loves to be held and snuggled on.

You are obviously a very loving mother, that is why she is so incredibly bonded with you.

Good luck!
T

You are on the right track with the time your husband is trying to spend with her. There is no knowing when she will out grow the saperation anxiety. Just hang in there! As for the bottle are you in the room when your husband trys to give your daughter the bottle? I know from experience that your baby can still smell you and your breasts if you are in the room. Some babies can still smell the mom even when they are in another room. You might want to try leaving the room when your husband gives the bottle or you might need to leave the house. Your daughter might put up a fight at first but will eventually take the bottle. It might even meen her going hungry for a little bit.

It's normal. She'll outgrow it. She will pick up on your vibe, however, and you can use that to your advantage. For example, when she is in someone else's arms, you can smile and say something reassuring and then walk by. If she fusses, make sure that you don't start feeling anxious. She's okay, and most likely she'll believe that when you do. I"m not saying that you can't go to her or respond to her desire to be with you. I'm just suggesting that you stretch the envelope a little bit while projecting confidence that she can do it.

This will pass. Guaranteed!

Why are you not with her if your husband is gone?? Do you work too??

In a way you should feel good that your daughter wants to have you hold her. She is bonding with you. You should encourage this, and you and your husband should be the primary ones to comfort her. If you must have a child care provider, then while you are gone by all means this person should comfort your daughter, but when you are present you should do the comforting. Believe me if she begins to reject you and your care for that of the nanny's you will become resentful. If you are unable to hold her, because you (or your husband) need your hands free, try a backpack or sling to carry your daughter with you. I am guessing that your daugter isn't walking yet.

Lastly, when your husband tries to give your daughter the bottle are you in the room? Maybe she sees you and thinks that's where her food comes from. Don't let him give up. Have him keep trying, and yes maybe try the sippy cup.

This probably won't "end" for a long while, but it will change. At some point she'll go from crying and whining to be picked up to running around getting into stuff she knows she's not supposed to have to get your attention. That's what it's all about - your attention. when you've been gone, you should come into the room and pick her up and give her some love very first thing. Nothing is going to stop her from wanting that, and no one should try. You're her mother and she loves and misses you. She's just now figuring out that when you leave, you will come back. That's the highlight of her day - when you come back. Get used to it and cherish it - before you know it the highlight of her day will be when you leave! Now that's heartbreaking!

My own personal experience with separation anxiety is that it comes and goes, depending on what is happening developmentally. It's not linear--i.e., it's not something that is there and then goes away forever. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, including bringing your husband more into the mix--keep it up!

Hi there,

Our 14-month old is STILL doing the same thing. She's happy with Daddy when I'm not here, but wants to be with me when I am. I think it's just a phase. I wouldn't suggest letting her cry, maybe you could cary her in a sling or backpack? Then she'll be close to you but you can get stuff done?

Good luck!

H.

I'd say to tell daddy not to give up. My husband didn't and it still took a couple of months before our son would go to him willingly instead of me.

They are very bonded now and I attribute this to my husband never giving up and handing him back to me.

Totally understand! At least she is fine with you out of the room. Great idea of your husband spending more time with her. Each kid will adjust at different times. My first child wanted me all the time, even when I was out of the room...from day 1. It took months to get her used to Daddy taking care of her. In fact at 7 months, I was the one running out of the house because I needed the break! Meanwhile she cried until I came home or until she fell asleep from exhaustion. My second child isn't nearly as bad, thank goodness! She's 20 months and has preferences on who is going to give her a bath, get her changed, etc.

As for bottle feeding, try a sippy cup instead. She's 9 months old and should be getting used to a cup. Trying a bottle at this age may be going a step back. There are some great sippy cups out there with a soft tip for babies learning to drink from a cup. To get her used to a sippy cup, you could try water first without the valve. Water (or milk) comes pretty quick so be prepared to tilt the come a little at a time.

Good luck!

I think my daughter was about 9 months when she has this problem and I think it lasted a couple months. She didn't cry as long as myself, my husband or her daycare lady were watching her. The separation anxiety may return again around 18 months.

hi,
This is totally normal. It is her way of running and screaming mommy's home. But since she does not know how to express that yet, she then "speaks" with the crying toward you. I wouldn't do the cry it out, in my opinion it brings on insecurities. I did it with my first and not with my other two and I have seen a bit of difference. good luck.

My daughter did the same thing at around the same age. I knew that she wouldn't always cling to me so I just rolled with it and picked her up. Letting her cry it out at this age is confusing to her. She doesn't grasp the concept of not being picked up by mom when she is standing right there. Remember, she has a need and it is our job as mom's to meet that need. Don't feel guilty about it. She is at an age where she is aware that you will be there then not be there. You are her security and stability. Tell dad to not be offended that she doesn't want anything to do with him....that phase will pass also. (And return again later...it comes and goes). Routine is the most important thing for her. Instead of taking turns with nightly duties, both of you should do them. Our routine here, since my hubby works in SF and gets home late, is I bath my oldest and brush her teeth, dad reads the story and I do last kisses goodnight. Since that is the routine, she knows what to expect and doesn't worry about what is coming next or who is leaving, etc. Just remember, this phase will pass...and you'll miss it. Good luck.

Spend more time with your kid, and tell your husband to do the same. Being "too busy" is not an excuse. Not spending enough time with your child will have lasting effects on her psychology for the rest of her life.