Seperation Anxiety?

wear a sling and call it a day. if this is what he needs YOU need to provide him with every bit of comfort you can...even if it is inconvenient to you.

First off, How wonderful you are a part of his life! You are a part of his circle and a very caring, competent, caregiver! So awesome you are asking for advice on something you find challenging. Boy this does sound challenging! I remember my daughter and her little friend I watched going in and out of seperation anxiety in stages. It does make it difficult to get things done with a little one attached to you. My fall back was to always make a very silly game of things. You could do this with coming and going. Start within the room, stand up or just move back a few steps and act silly or sing a song. Come back with "I'm Gonna Get you" Repeat a Gazillion times(well it will seem like that :-) gradually increasing the distance as he gets comfortable. Hopefully he thinks it is very funny and will be intrigued and laugh at your complex "peek a boo" game. If you make a funny noise or sing a song while "away", then are quiet and peek back in the room with a big smile suddenly from around a wall or corner, he just may think it's funny and wait longer and longer for you to do it again.

Well, it sounds like he is a needy little guy. I would start with the sit down play-time, and work on getting him to sit between your legs with his back against you. He still is touching you, but return his focus to the toy/play. You can even do hand over hand with him to encourage the play. Balls work great, because you can have him go retrieve them and then come back. So, he is gradually moving away. You can even do this when preparing lunch - have him retrieve balls or some other toys. My first child had to be with me ( I called her my Velcro baby - always stuck to me), so I would have one cabinet in the kitchen for her to play with (plasticware) while I cooked.

Try to be patient with him. :0)

Get a sling. Prepare lunch the night before. He needs to be held. Hold him. Read up a little on Attachment Parenting. Dr. Sears has some great resources. It's natural and healthy for a baby to want to be held, especially if his caregiving situation has been changing so frequently.

Hi T.,

This is exactly how my son was and he drove other care givers a little bit crazy. ;)

I have a couple suggestions:

1. You can try putting him in a baby backpack while you cook. That way he is removed from danger but still close to you.

2. You can try putting him in his highchair and pulling the highchair into the kitchen while you cook. I gave my son kitchen items to play with during that time.

3. You can try to put him in his highchair and give him a little snack. Sometimes they just need to be "busy" with something else.

4. Give him 10-15 minutes of honest to goodness one on one time before you have tasks that require you to step away (to make lunch for example).

He might just need to learn a little frustration management. My little guy went through this stage for what felt like forever. He spent a lot of time in the sling and on my hip (the hip hold with a sling is the best) - while I did chores. I'd let him help where he could, like holding the cord to the vacuum or helping me stir a dish, or even dusting. Eventually this phase will pass! It is challenging and a bit frustrating, especially if your daughter wasn't like this.

Best of luck! Hang in there!

My best,
T.

Poor little thing. Too bad his parents can't take care of him. That would be best for him.

Hi T.!

WOW! You sound like a very generous person! Would you like to watch my boys for a month, too :o) Just kidding........
Down to business...........

Both of my boys actually had "seperation anxiety", or at least a form of it, so it is completely normal for a 10 month old to have some sort of anxiety about his situation, ESPECIALLY after what he's been through.....being bounced around from home-to-home, it's bound to be worse for you. Thank you for caring enough about this little boy to be a "constant" in his life.

I would make sure he knows that I am always there for him. I had to make a conscience effort to always talk to my boys about what I/we were doing, like "OK, mommy is going to the washer machine to take out the clothes and put them into the dryer....OOPS! I need to use my 2 hands...." I would always use a sing-song voice, and 9 times out of 10 it would work for a minute or two, as long I kept saying "I'm almost done, then I can hold you again" they were ok...........

You're right, T., it's alot of work and very emotional to go through this, especially when it's not even your son. It's been about 1 month for him to live with you and try to get used to things. Hopefully his adjustment isn't too much longer.

Many Blessing!

~N. :o)

Why don't you put him in a sling on your hip or a front pack or backpack so he can be close to you and you can still get things done? This is what I do with my daughter still who is 17 mos now. They just want to be close and we just want to get things done so this might help. I use Kangaroo Korner. You can purchse it online or in some stores.

Hi,

Have you tried sitting down on the floor with him for a while before you walk away? Try doing that if you haven't yet, and then start moving away little by little until he feels comfortable enough. If you are getting frustrated and fed up with this situation maybe babysitting is not for you. I don't want to say that you are not fit, but anyone who cares for children should have ALL the patience in the world and should not feel the way you feel about this situation. Reassure him every second that he will be okay and that mom and dad will be back to get him and find ways to make him feel comfortable. I hope you don't get offended by my comment.

E.

Hi!
I am a SAHM of a 9mo old. Recently he has started being very 'clingy' to me, too. If I am near his play area he is constantly coming over to me to climb up my leg, and wants to be held. Though he doesn't cry as much as it sounds like your little guy does, I wonder if this is a developmental stage? And hopefully they will pass out if it soon!
Good luck,
S.

That age is huge for separation anxiety. My daughter is in the same care situation he is (she stays with a SAHM) and I love that she's attached to her caregiver. He needs all the holding he can get - I agree that a carrier is the way to go. Most people really love the Ergo, which is easier to have hands free than a normal sling, and can be worn on your back or front. It's great that you are so concerned for him.

I know the crying is driving you nuts but he has to know that it isnt going to make you pick him up so you have to just let hi vry. Try to make sure for awhile that you are in his range of sight but then let him cry.

Ellie P -

I believe that even the calmest, most patient of people will get a little rattled from a screaming baby when it occurs day in and day out. I wouldn't assume so quickly that she's not cut out to be a baby sitter. She's a human being, and humans can only take so much. And clearly she cares about this little boy which is why she's reaching out to the experts --> MOTHER's <-- to find ideas and strategies for this situation.

I'm always amazed how quick one is to judge another before taking a long walk in their shoes.

awww, poor little tyke! And poor you! I can't imagine how hard that must be. You are both miserable.

My advice is to have the mom and dad purchase you a well-made sling with no bells and whistles, just basic and easy to slip on.

Pop that child into your sling so your arms are free and let him snuggle you. He's got attachment issues, but that may be because maybe he a) needs more close time or b) didn't get enough body contact as a smaller infant. So humor him. His confidence will grow having someone give him a boost, and you do need your hands free.

I could vacuum, shop, and hike with my sling. The key is to learn a few comfy holds/folds with it, and to make sure it is fitted correctly.

If you live in Sacramento, there is a shop run by the Mother's support network, and they have knowledgeable staff who will fit a handmade sling for you.

I do not suggest letting this guy "cry it out" unless you want to babysit for headaches.

Take care,

a

I see some really good suggestions here. One aspect I don't think anyone has touched on is how the parents are with him as they leave him with you. What I tell the parents of the children I care for is that they should come in relaxed with the child, make a firm but loving farewell of it, then leave. Some parents do not allow enough time for themselves in the morning (and it usually takes at least twice as long as we adults wish it would to be ready to go with a child that age), then they arrive frustrated because they are running late for work. The child feels the stress and it sets their whole day off on the wrong note. Other parents cling to the child and seem to have more separation anxiety than the child does... but of course are passing their anxiety on to the child. Then there are the parents who want to get the child distracted with toys and then sneak out so they don't have to hear the wails and see the tears. (Those are the ones I have the most trouble dealing with, personally.) I always tell the parents on the first day, "give your child a hug and kiss, and tell them goodbye and that you'll see them in a little while". Then I take the child to a window (sometimes kicking and screaming) and hold them and tell them "wave goodbye to Mommy (Daddy) and tell them to have a good day at work. Say I'm going to have a good day at my work playing here"... something of that nature anyway. I try to make it more like a game we're playing and keep my own voice bright, cheerful and positive. Once the parents have driven all the way out of sight, I then try to get the child interested in playing with toys and/or friends. For most children the tears last about ten minutes and then they play well the rest of the day until pick up time when they again put on a big show of tears to let their parents know they didn't like being left... or in some cases, they now don't want to go home.
It's obvious your little guy isn't one of those ten minute cryers, so you are going to have to plan your other work in such a way that you can minimize what of it you have to do while he's there. I don't totally agree with the idea of getting a sling to carry him around. It might be OK to have one to use for short periods of time during the day, but I wouldn't let him get the idea he can be held by you all the time that way. I don't think it's best for him or you... but more than that it's unfair to your own child. Put him in the play area with toys and just sit in there talking quietly to him (even if he's screaming too loud to hear you) and be sure you are giving your daughter plenty of attention at the same time. By him seeing his tears aren't getting him any more attention than you give her... and by seeing you interact in play with her... he should gradually get the idea of how to settle in and have a good time. Above all, a quiet, firm reassuring voice is what I've found works best. It not only seems to calm the child, but it helps keep me calm (at least outwardly... sometimes I'm wanting to scream inside myself when I have a difficult crying child too!)
I hope some of this is helpful to you. Feel free to send me a personal email if you continue having problems and maybe we can talk more about specifics.

If you are in the kitchen, for example, place him in the high chair and bring him right next to you. Give him a little play dough (it's non-toxic) and something to hold and show him how you make lunch. First we get out the bread, then, we get out the cheese and turkey, then we... Talk to him constantly, sing with him and be with him, without holding him and while you are getting your work done. I used to carry my son in the backpack when I was cooking or vacuuming. He was with me full time and still didn't want to leave my side. I was unable to leave him with a babysitter or care provider until after he was two.

Good Luck.

A child who is clingy, must be doing it for a reason. His parents must be holding him all the time. I don't know if it will work, but giving him toys as a distraction might help.If he keeps doing it for attention, try the ignoring technique, it will take a few times to break his "hip habit".
I have a son who has a bad temper. I would respond to him, & he would raise his voice. I learned to ignore him & he calmed down. I know someone who doesn't hold their daughter alot, so she doesn't want to be held all the time. She whines a bit when I walk out of the room. I can get away when she has a distraction. Its not always easy.I don't know what else to tell you. Good luck.

I am sure there are lots of great suggestions on ways to help break the anxiety. I am sure that will need to be your focus for the long term health (and sanity) of everyone.
Just wanted to throw out a quick suggestion for the times that you are holding him, and want to get more done.
I have an Ergo Carrier and love it! You can put the baby on your back and get so much more done. And they have the comfort of being held! Maybe the parents will be willing to invest in one for their little guy.
I got mine at Tiny Tots in Campbell. They are well worth it, and my husband wears ours too!

Hi I have an 8 month old little girl. And since she was almost 3 months old she has been in the loving care of my Aunt. Unforturnatly it was easier for them to hold her all the time which she got used to. It makes it really hard for me because, like you, its impossible to do anything. But kids need to learn how to play by themselves. I tried the following: (1) Play on the floor with her and once she is distracted slowly back away (but make sure she can still see you. After a while he will slowly get used to it. (2) If you put him in a playpen hold him away from you so that he see's his toys and not you leaving him (3) sometimes you just need to let him cry a little bit (don't go running at the first sign of his crying becase thats what he's used to. If you know he's fine its okay to let him cry for a few minutes before picking him up) I don't know if it will work for you... but it did for me. And eventually he will grow out of it.