Remember the question of would you attend the shower if yours was blown off? Briefly, I did not attend but I sent a gift on time.
Anyway, she had the baby January and called me yesterday and we talked for almost 2 hours, I gave her a lot of tips to help her get organized which seems to be creating a lot of chaos for her. I told her about my bottle system and she's going to try that immediately because they can't keep up with cleaning, etc. She is overwhelmed and admitted to being lonely. Her spouse works, she's staying home. She talked a lot about people she thought would be there for her but are not. She said they are jealous because she has a baby and they don't, and some are trying to get pregnant but can't. She said people who said they were going to come to the shower didn't. Some didn't even respond. But she was still happy about her shower. People she thought would call/visit don't.
((((( *I bit my tongue and let the "pity pot" talk.*)))))
After she finished expressing her discontent, she asked me when I can visit.
I said to her quietly, how do you think I felt? Honestly, hearing her talk just conjured up my feelings and the disconnect I felt. It wasn't a good feeling so I can empathize with her 100%.
Anyway, she responded: Felt about what?
My response: when I come to visit we have to have a sit down talk about your actions during my pregnancy and how you made me feel. Being honest is the only way to go.
She said okay but I do know I owe you an apology. I am going to let her apologize and I will hear her out. It's not going to be a catty fight, we don't have time for that. But we have to talk as it is clear as new moms we need each other as we've been friends over 20 years. I think she knows I will always give her my shoulder but I DON'T WANT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
**So that you all know, there is no lingering hurt/anger, the need for closure is not the same as those emotions. She needs to know how she behaved and like I said it's not going to be in an accusatory manner, but very adult. If we are going to be friends then I can't keep my thoughts about it private and watch her bemoan about people not treating her the way she wants to be treated when she did to me exactly what they are doing. I had pregnancy complications, major surgery and was told that the likelihood that I would have kids were slim. And wellahhhhhhh I got pregnant. Still I know how to compartmentalize my life and feelings and not persecute others because I can't have what I want. Regardless of her infertility issue, that's no excuse. I'm not being hard on her but she can't expect people to fall at her feet if she's not wiling to fall at theirs when she's unhappy and not getting the things she wants.
QUESTION
I do believe we need to have a talk from a preserve-the-friendship perspective and being honest. OR should I ask her what she's apologizing for and take it from there?
Thanks for your feedback to the question.
We talked and I let her lead about what's been bothering her now that she is a mother. She expressed people being distant, saying they're jealous, etc.
I followed on with well, I am going to be honest because there's no other way to bring closure to this situation.
I told her you did the exact same things to me because I had what you wanted. You shut me down and ignored me intentionally because you wanted a baby. I told her while I understand the high emotions of trying and failing at conception, but I had my own complications with pregnancy and did not use it as a excuse to mistreat or shun people.
In closing I told her she has to see herself and her actions and ******treat people the way she wants to be treated regardless of personal circumstances.****** We're adults and should be accountable for our actions.
I see it like this, as parents we shouldn't condone when our children act out and don't get their way or lash out at others because we're jealous. So as adults we shouldn't act childish and immature and accept our circumstances and try to work through them and not ignore people because we are inadequate for a moment.
She agreed and apologized and said she was going to focus on being a mom because talking about things made her realize that people ha\ve their own lives and don't owe her anything. So true.
Relax, let it go, and just be the person you want to be. Give because you want to give, not because you expect that person to give back. It's a big moment for her, and sounds like she could use a friend. Don't keep score.
Hello F.,
I hadn't read your 1st question about shower so I just went back to read it. You may not like this but I'm gonna give you a different perspective. Please know I'm not judging you and you had/have every right to feel hurt/ticked off/abandoned/ and just plain old let down...but.... Take this from someone who has been in your friends shoes and hear what it was like for me, perhaps your friend suffered the same way I did. My hubby and I tried for years to conceive and were told that I would NEVER be able to have a child nor would we be candidates for adoption. For over a decade we watched ALL of our friends bring beautiful babies into the world. We attended showers, baptisms, birthday parties...celebrated every milestone with our friends and family. We had hoped and prayed for a child of our own for years...and I mean over 10 years. I can not even begin to express how devastatingly painful it is to have to witness EVERYONE else living your dream..and there is nothing you can do about it. I would of course smile and tell the person how happy I was for them but inside it was like a knife in my heart. Everytime they would tell me about feeling the baby kick or sono, or really anything baby related I would literally feel like my heart was being ripped out. Honestly I was extremely happy for them but also weeping inside for us if that makes sense. Over the years it became harder to put on the happy face. While we were still very excited and happy for our pregnant family/friends we were also mourning the loss of a family of our own. It made me feel defective, less than a woman because I could not have a child. If you've never been in that situation you can not possibly understand the mental toll it takes on you. One day we just resolved that it was just not meant to be for us and we let go of our dream of being parents. We went away for our 11th wedding anniversary and came back pregnant. We'd conceived on our anniversary....We were so very excited, surprised, you name it we felt it. We were blessed with our 1st daughter only to loose several babies after her. We were then blessed with our 2nd daughter this past June. The Lord works in his own time :) The point of me telling you all of this is for you to ask yourself one question - Did you ever stop to think how your friend was feeling? There is a reason she distanced herself from you during your pregnancy. Perhaps she didn't want her own jealousy to ruin your friendship. Perhaps she just couldn't bare to see another person living her dream. Perhaps she was in such a state of depression she just couldn't share in your joy or it would push her over the edge. Selfish? maybe, but more likely self preservation. Walk a mile in her shoes in your mind and heart and then determine if it's worth holding onto the anger/hurt you feel. Good Luck and God Bless.
If you love her and want her in your life give her the second chance. We mature as we get older, she didnt know what it was like to be a mom. Single women without children have NO IDEA what marriage and children do to change things... Now she's beginning to see. She's put the ball in your court.
Do you need to rehash old stuff before you can move forward? Or can you just start out fresh as if nothing happened? How productive will it be to your current situation to go back and tell her how pissed and hurt you've been by her? Why bother? I'd just skip it and realize she's pretty much pleading for you to come back into her life because she's scared and needs your experience.
I'm sure eventually you will be yacking and all the old stuff will become a topic of conversation at a later date. I would not make it an issue right now... let it be a given that she now knows how you felt and she is sorry... and move on.
Well she said she owes you and apology, let her give it. I think talking it out will only help you be closer. She will get the chance to say sorry and tell her side of the story and you will be able to forgive and understand. You will probably be closer in the end. My bff and I had some issues and here recently finally talked them out and we are closer now, we went a long time without really talking bc the issues were just in the way. So I say, yeah, go ahead and share how you felt, let her share and get back in sync as friends. :D
You gotta love the universe. Nobody gets away with anything. Ever.
Since your friend is now walking a mile in your shoes, you should shift your focus and walk a mile in what were her shoes during your pregnancy.
Once you see the situation from each other's point of view, you will have a much deeper understanding of what you each have gone through and the impact of your decisions on each other.
You sound like a logical, reasonable, loving friend. Let her say what she's going to say when you see her next and appreciate how hard it probably is for her to eat that fat slice of humble pie. Then hug, move on and enjoy your precious miracles together.
Best of luck to you!
If I were your friend, I would pack up and find new comrades! You sound bitter and resentful, and haven't forgiven her a bit. SAVE the friendship by being a good friend. Laugh and talk about it later when the kids are in school and you finally have passed the HARDEST change of life there is! Most women have no idea how hard motherhood is before they become one, and it is up to YOU to be a mentor. Sorry you had to learn it first, but isn't that the world you want to live in? YOU have experience, compassion, and expertise by virtue of being ahead of her--- BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
I'd ask her what she's apologizing for... I understand people saying she was struggling with her infertility etc but that's no excuse in my book for not even rsvping. She didn't have to attend but she could have been more of an adult and addressed the issue.
Accept her apology and move forward.
People simply do not understand how much you and your life change when you have a child until they have one of their own. Treat her the way you would have liked to been treated and remind her (gently) to do the same for other new mothers in the future.
Take her apology. She now realizes EXACTLY how she made you feel and probably feels really horrible. You can't expect a non mom friend to really understand until she's living thru it. That in NO way excuses it! If you haven't been there you can't possibly know how hard it is. Now she realizes that she wasn't just being a lousy friend during your pregnancy. The way she treated you was a big deal and she knows first hand how she behaved and how it made you feel because she's feeling it. If you feel you must tell her exactly how she made you feel keep it short. 'You made me angry, sad, whatever and it really damaged our friendship.' Leave it at that. There's no reason to go thru each incident and you are right to not accuse but just share how you feel. I have a great friend who I've known since I was 6 years old. We've been thru all kinds of stuff together and keep our bond strong. I have a 4 year old and she's never understood what exactly turns your life upside down when you have a baby. Her baby is now 2 months old and she finally gets it. She wasn't ever ugly to me. We love and respect each other but it did change our relationship and make it more distant. We've not discussed it at all because when I went to see her the first time after her son was born I could just see it in her eyes. She didn't look shameful. It was that we 'connected' again like we used to. Like you I didn't have any anger but I did want to make sure I didn't feel taken for granted either. Sit back and just receive what she's giving you. An apology is not an easy gift to give and true friends love unconditionally. I would never bring up now the things my girlfriend did during my pregnancy and first years of being a mom. It only reminds us both of bad feelings. What matters is how I feel today and what kind of friend I'm being today. Your gal pal is probably feeling down because she is disappointed in how she's being treated but also because she's a brand new mom who is overwhelmed by how much work a baby is and her hormones! Adding to the list of things that make her feel bad isn't the best idea anyway. You may take one look at her and decide that if you really want to share with her you need to wait until she's moved past this really emotional time.
i think you've got it. she has apologized, so you can let the anger/bitterness go. go ahead and have a heart to heart with her. it sounds like a great opportunity for both of you to heal some wounds. now you can really open up to her about how it hurt you, and she can open up to you too. you can truly let it go and just be friends. good heart-to-hearts are what being girlfriends is all about. we need that as women. approach her with forgiveness and understanding - you guys will be bff's in no time :)
It might be best to have a series of small talks as things come up. I agree with Theresa - it took us a long time to have my DD and in the meantime I struggled with family events sometimes. I didn't read your other thread, but I think that you both need to try to see where each other was/is coming from, shake hands and move on. When she says she's lonely, say you know how that feels. Maybe it can open a conversation about your friendship at that point.
If I hurt my friend's feelings, I would want them to say so but if I had an issue like infertility, I would also want her to understand that it was hard for me. My sister is now in those shoes and if she misses a baby shower, I just figure it's one shower too much. Maybe she got the big fat no and needs a day to cry. The family know they are trying and try not to take any absences personally.
I hope you and your friend can move on in this new phase of your lives.
