Should I Bake My 17 Yearold Stepdaughter a Cake for Her Birthday?

You have to remember that she is a child and you are the adult. Treat her like you would like to be treated. It will come a time when she looks back and remember everything you did to make her day special. I would bake the cake and give her the present. Show her the true meaning of Love.

I also have 17 yr old step daughter. We kinda have the on again off again relatioship too. Just give her space. How long have you and her dad been married? It took about 3 years before Sierra warmed up to me. I just let her know that I'm here if she needs me. Someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. We have custody of her, no visitation w/ real mom. Occasional phone calls, but thats about it. She'll come around. I promise, you mean more to her than you know.

T., go ahead and bake it. If she ignores you, or showes no gratitude, at least you have tried. She will calm down eventually. Please dont ignore her, even though she ignores you, she will grow out of it, and will one day remember, and probably wonder why she behaved so badly.

I think you should. I teach my children all the time, that while they may want to respond in kind to someone it isn't the right thing to do. I would make her a cake, get her a gift but not gush over everything. Let her know you love her, celebrate with your family & then move on.

Think of your role this way: you are not her mother, you are a guide to her. What does she need guidance in? Teach her by showing her the way. In this instance, teach her to love others by showing unconditional love to her and others. This means regardless of whether she will ever return love (remember, she may feel that you stole her dad from her), you will be her friend, regardless. Never betray her trust. Give to her without expecting in return. And don't look for a return gift, or an expression of gratitude. Do it because it is your gift to her, to be her guide. This will build your relationship with her, but you will probably NOT see it happen until she is out on her own, maybe even with children of her own. Do it because you love her dad, and want to love her.
It's important to remember that 'blended families' can be very difficult to navigate. Everyone has to give regardless of what is received. When even one person in the family holds back, then the circle is broken. But you can make the circle whole again by your example. This gives courage to others who are holding back because inside they may feel very hurt, and express their hurt through anger, which seems much safer and stronger to the one who is hurting. If you think of time you reacted in anger, how far beneath the anger did you find the heart of hurt and pain? If you are honest with yourself, its not much deeper. Try to understand why your step-daughter may feel pain in her relationship with you. Then try to guide from that. Avoid telling her what to do. If she asks, counter with another question: what do you think?

I am a stepmom to 3 boys and have gone through some really rough times with them and their mother (and their dad, for that matter!). I have tested the "being consistent" theory and it really does work. Do what you've always done. Let this be something YOU do for her. She may not acknowledge it now, but she will remember it always. These moments may be the ones that bring you two closer than you've ever imagined later in life. The key to not hurting yourself along the way is to do it without expecting anything in return. Just do it because it's the right thing to do and because you love her - even if you don't feel that way right now. Also, do not assume that your husband will think of these things. Men typically don't. That's what makes it special that YOU do it. Good luck. Feel free to email me anytime.

~Elizabeth

Dear T. R,

I have four beautiful step-daughters and I am close to them all now. . . this wasn't always the case. I haven't read what has been going on but my suggestion for all step-Moms is to open your mouth, stick out your tongue and bite down hard! You should model the behavior you want and be the bigger person. In general I would make her the cake. I know that there would be a few instances when I wouldn't and I wish I had time to read what you wrote yesterday. Good luck!

T., If it was me I would tell her happy birthday but she has to see she and your husband can not be doing this to you and expect you to just keep going on like nothing has happened. I would also stop doing extras for them and just be as nice as you can and let them see you are the bigger person and just try it for a while and see if they don't change then I would ask for a family meeting and lay it all out on the table and see if that works if not take off for a few days and not say nothing to them and see what happens.
Good luck to ya

Do you want to bake the cake? Can you bake it with Unconditional Love, not expecting anything in return? This is the key to the answer. If you can do that - ABSOLUTELY bake the cake! You will feel wonderful, she will be surprised because you are not buying into her pushing you away strategy for becoming an independent woman. And, letting go of expecting anything back has the potential to shift the energy between you. While you bake the cake, think happy, loving thoughts about her and visualize her inner joy. Put the love from your heart into the cake, and love yourself for doing it! Happy Valentine's Day! A. Accad, RN, 'The De-Stress Maven, ailaspeaks.com
PS I wrote this before seeing your update ~ Congratulations! Sounds like you have gotten into that Unconditional Love space ~ Way to Go MOM!

Since she was still excited last year, go ahead and bake her the cake . . . as for your birthday, have someone (probably her dad) remind her that its coming up and maybe they can shop together to get you something. Or YOU can tell her, matter-of-factly

Auwwwwwwwww a heart cake? YES!! Make her the cake, she'll appreciate it. Even if she doesn't show it!!

I remember when my mom and I weren't eye to eye on a lot of things. She was sweet as pie, and sent flowers to school and a big balloon. It was nice having the attention focused on me that day. Now to this day I'm 33, and I return the favor to spoil my mom on her birthday! Keep it up, she sounds like she is going through a rough stage. TEEEEEN-AGER! Keep it up, eventually the ice queen(j/k)will melt. I promise, and she'll appreciate you sticking it through!

Take care!!

I am a stepchild myself I think you should do it. Even though she's acting up I think it would only make things worse if you didn't do it. It seems to me it would just fuel her fire. Also if she has been acting this way for a while I wouldn't expect a whole lot of excitement about the birthday cake shown towards you but I think she will secretly appreciate it. And who knows maybe it could turn things around.

I would bake the cake. She might not appreciate it now, but when she gets more mature she will appreciate all you have done for her.

I would suggest baking the cake. While I know it is hard, be consistent in showing your love for her. That does not mean you need to be a pushover and tolerate disrespect however. Good luck!!

I would. You may be having so difficulties with her now, but I feel it won't always be like that once she matures emotionally. My daughter just turned 17 yesterday, and I wouldn't dream of not baking her a cake- and it would hurt her feelings if I didn't even if she doesn't eat a single piece! As far as whether she acknowledges your birthday next month or not, just ignore it if she doesn't and try not to let it hurt your feelings. Hopefully as she matures she will come back around and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Good luck!

I don't have a 17yr old, but i do think that if you usually do something for her birthday you should still do it. Bake her the cake even if the response from her is not one you are hoping for. Don't take it personally if she doesn't notice your birthday...she is 17 after all, and your not baking her a cake or remembering her birthday just so she will do something for you. You are the parent and though you maybe a step parent i believe it is important that no matter how she treats you step up and treat her in a way that sets an example for her. I'm not sure of the problems you have had with her, i can't find your question from before..but i just think that the way to get through to a teenager is with constant compassion and understanding, and setting an example...not that she shouldn't be disciplined if she needs it, but a birthday is a birthday and love is love...show her love, and she'll look back one day and see that she was being childish and appreciate that you understood the trials of teenage hood....hope this helps..A.

I don't have time to read all the responses, but if I were you I would definitely bake her a cake just like usual. Even though she seems uncaring and so on, she will recognize the gesture deep down. Unconditional love is what she needs the most of, and I bet the cake will scream that to her whether she admits it to you by acknowledging the gesture or not.

I can't even believe you are asking this! Your HUSBAND should have been the one coordinating your birthday stuff with her. She is still a child and she, as a teen, is all consumed with her own self. All children are consumed with themselves. It is up to the adults to remind children of holidays and family days.
My mother always baked us a cake and made our favorite meal for our birthdays well into each of us being adults. It is what moms do. If she were still alive, she would still be doing it(I am her youngest and I am 40). If you just aren't feeling like a mom with her then you should leave that sort of stuff up to your husband. Real moms put themselves last on the totem pole and don't get bent out of shape when they aren't remembered. It happens. Get over it and stop dwelling. You are still an adult and you AND YOUR HUSBAND are still responsible for making any child's life as happy, well adjusted and loved as you can.
If you feel it is deeper than your husband not being on the ball with coordinating for his daughter, then family counciling may be your best bet to get through these feelings.
Good luck!

Yes, make the cake--she may not be able to show appreciation for it this year, but she will, in time. Do it cheerfully, expecting no recompense, just taking the pleasure in knowing you've done something nice for someone. That's its own reward. It sounds as if you feel unloved and unappreciated, and are looking to her and her dad, as the people who are nearest and probably dearest to you, to provide that for you. But they have their own difficulties to face and clearly not much left over for you--in fact, they may feel more distant the more you seem needy. If you can find your own true, lovely nature, your own kind heart, and love yourself for it, you will feel above such things as whether the girl remembers your birthday or not.

Let us know how it goes. Enjoy making the cake because it's a beautiful thing to do, to stir and measure, shape and decorate: a work of art.

I would bake the cake. It will show her that you do care. If you don't bake the cake, she may resent it and throw that in your face later. Good luck.

Bake the cake. You are the adult and as much as it may hurt to not feel the love from you daughter that you would like, time will make things better. She may not thank you for it if you bake the pancakes and cake, but she will always remember the year you did not bake them if you do not.

It would be a great way to show her you still love her even though you are going through troubled times. Just keep telling her you love her, she may not respond, but she is listening..

Hiya. *smiles*

I read your request yesterday, and my heart went out to you, then. When I read your request, today, I felt that I needed to respond.

I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. I'm so sorry your husband isn't more supportive of you in this situation, and I believe you hit the nail on the head when you wondered if it wasn't from previous baggage. Who knows what hurt that poor little girl has suffered through the abandonment of not one mommy, but two. I know that she's almost an adult, now, but the little girl inside must still be hurting...and angry.

Now for my advice:

As hard as it will be, I believe that you need to continue showing that you care to this young woman. I think it's a normal part of growing up for a teenager to have an attitude towards their mother...and in your case, it's extreme because of the circumstances. It may seem as if your emotional and physical investment is for nothing right now, but I have a feeling as she matures into a young woman, and perhaps becomes a mother, herself, she will eventually come to realize just what a good mother you've been to her.

Go ahead and bake her a cake. Buy her a present. Wish her happy birthday. Love on her as best you can, even if your heart isn't in it. And don't be surprised if once again she doesn't acknowledge yours. I know it's hurtful, but trust me...even biological children sometimes don't acknowledge their Mom's birthdays...hehe. I know that every year at least one of mine doesn't. (I have 5.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is one of you needs to be the adult, and that's you. Being the adult is almost never fun. Why were we so anxious to become one? *grins*

Hope this advice helps. I admire you for wanting to be a part of this young woman's life. It's a shame that your husband doesn't realize how special that is...but perhaps, in time, he will as well.

God bless,

P.

Rise above her behavoir and bake her the cake. You won't regret it when you are my age- old. I have never regreted doing what was right, my regrets when looking back came from stooping to a lower level. K.

T., have you ever read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It is incredible. I think your stepdaughters love language might be gifts. I would suggest you get the book - it may even help your marriage. I would not shower her with gifts, but random, thoughtful "I was just thinking about you" gifts may be a way into her heart. Don't overdo it though, b/c you don't want her or her mother to think you are trying to buy her love.

Also, remember, you are the adult. Be sure that your responses to her and your interaction show that you are the mature one. This does not mean being over bearing, or controlling or even the authority figure. It means you are not in a power struggle. You cannot MAKE her do anything, she is her own person. Just be sure you are the one responding as an adult.

Hope this helps - read the book!!!

I know that this is after the birthday, but I wanted to share my story with you. I had a similar situation with my step-daughter. I just always tried to remind myself that I was the adult, and she was not. Kids don't ask to be placed in the tough situations that they are in with broken families and step-families, and it sounds as if she has had a pretty tough time of it. I'd say she probably has a hard time trusting any woman's love and devotion to her. Just hang in there and treat her with love and that should win in the end. After my step-daughter made it through those teen years, she matured and we grew close and actually became friends. You also have to realize that 17 is a tough age for a lot of kids. They are facing adulthood, and a lot of changes to come. They are beginning to feel as if they are adults, and a lot of them behave like the total opposite! I think that the biggest problem is with your husband. It sounds like the two of you have some issues that you need to work on. If you can strengthen your marriage, and begin to show a united front, that will go a long way towards improving your relationship with your step-daughter as well. I, too, recommend Gary Smalley. I am currently reading "The DNA of Relationships", and it is wonderful. This book may help a lot. You should try to pick it up.

yes still show her u love her and care regardless what she does to u i dont know ur problems with her i didnt see it but i have 2 step daughters to

Yes bake the cake. Don't give up on her. Remember she is a teenager. She is in "her world" fase. I am a step daughter - can't tell you how many selfish things I did to my step-dad. Things take time, sometimes a long time but don't give up she will turn around. Model for her what it is to care & think of others.

Yes, you should bake the cake for her. Because she is behaving badly doesn't mean that you should discontinue doing the things you've always done for her. She may not say anything now, but she will appreciate it especially later. She'll realize what you do for her one day (as frustrating as it is now). She may not say anything if you do bake the cake, but it will definitely be noticed if you don't. In some twisted way it will be another justification (to her) that her behavior is warranted..."see she doesn't really care about me...she didn't even bake me a cake for my birthday..."

I do agree that your husband needs to stand up for you as well as for his daughter. It is up to him to demand the respect you deserve from his daughter. It is obvious that you love and care for her very much. My heart goes out to you. Being the product of divorce I understand the delicate dynamics of co-existing with a step-family from the child's point of view. It seems to me that you are trying very hard to make it all work. Teenagers are strange wonderful creatures that don't make much sense sometimes...no matter how great they are they can still be self-centered and not even realize it. She'll come around. You just have to keep the faith. Good luck to you!

try not to have your feelings hurt that she forgets your birthday, she is a child and wheather natrual or step or adoptive, most kids are adults with familys of their own before they start thinking of things like parents bdays
glad to here that you had a good morning with her though

Ask her if she would like a cake and then let it go, either way. Maybe a birthday cake instead of Valentines Day Cake, her birthday is what is important, acknowledge her not the Holiday she was born on.

I am a stepchild. My mother baked me a cake every year from the moment she took me on. I look back now and realise there are times when perhaps I didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. On reaching adulthood and this realisation, I have tried to show her every way possible that I do love her and appreciate all that she has done for me. Give your stepdaughter time. She is 17 and still has a lot of maturing to do. In the meantime, have you ever considered in confiding in her that you have always wanted a birthday cake or to be treated special on your birthday. Sharing such confidences with her not only lets her know what you would like, but also builds a bond between you both.

YES-she is a child who is going through emotional difficulties...I haven't even read your other posted but I did the same thing to both of my step parents...You are going to have to love her through it and refuse to play by her rules. You lay the ground rule, stick to your guns - but you love this kid. I know it's hard to hear now, but when she is older, the way you react in these situations will play a big part in the woman she finally becomes. Good luck and God bless

Yes, bake her a cake and don't stop what you are doing. She may not appreciate now but before long she will be gone and her fondest memories will be what Mom always did for me. She will appreciate you more when she's gone than she does now.
We often take our loved ones for granted. But once their not around we remember the wonderful things they did for us.
J.

If you are the same T. that wrote yesterday......
NO I WOULD NOT. I would let her and her daddy do whatever the heck they wanted. I would tend to my own kids. I wouldn't be ugly. I would just act as you just met her father and never knew her.
Her problem is that she is a TEENAGER with HORMONES.
Just mind your own business and one of these days she will come around. And if you leave her alone and let her know that you are doing just what she wanted she may feel badly for you and feel guilty and come around quicker.
BUT LEAVE HER ALONE. Just say happy birthday to her and that is it. Allow your kids to make the big deal over her... NOT YOU. And then let her daddy do whatever he wants for her.
If he wants to go buy her something, fine. If you go out to eat, fine. Just act like she is a guest and continue that till someone comes around and gives your the respect and acknowledgement that you deserve. You are not being treated right. So quit asking for more. Just be a mom to your own kids.

Hi, T.,
I had the same dilema with my son when he turned seventeen. So, about two days before his birthday I just asked him if he wanted a cake or not. He surprised me by saying he wanted a peanut butter pie!
L.

Ihope you did present her with a cake though this reponse is late. I too was ungrateful at that age. I am how 54 years old and my daughter just began recognizing my birthday a couple of years ago. Being a Christian, the Bible answers these questions for me. However, I did not start turning to Gods word until 2 years ago, now it is so easy to respond to every situation without thinking. Respond with kindness and love and you will be an example that hopefully will take root soon. Love, L.

Bake her the cake if that is your norm, but don't expect any recognition in return. At this age, it is all about them, not anyone else (although there are always exceptions)Let your baking a cake be an example of how she can show her love to her daughter when she becomes a mother. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! B. N.

I guess her bd is already passed by now. But I would have made her a cake. I always make cakes for my children, step children and husband. Sometimes they forget mine and I remind them before hand so they will know. If they do forget it after I remind them, I tell them it hurt my feelings bec they forgot. Then I change the subject. If you don't rem their special day, it just builds up resentment. I try to be bigger than that, I get over it. Just tell them "Its nice to be remembered, isn't it?"
Glad you gave her a gift and treated her like the others.
Sounds like she is headed in the right direction. Just keep loving her and telling her you love her.

If you didn't do a cake. Maybe you shoud offer something else, after all she is 17, Like movies, going out to eat or give her the option of what she would like to have. Ask? Some Teens could care less about a cake, I have a 17 year old and she would rather go shopping, to the movies or out to eat. then a party. If you want her to celebrate your birthday, here we go again, Ask? Her, Say to her, I want to do something on my birthday to celebrate it, and I'd like for you to help me decide on what we could do, and take her Ideas into concideration....Hope this will help you....

I think if that is what your heart is telling you to do then you should do it. We shouldn't do for others based on what they do or don't do for us. I have a hard time with that too.

oh yes bake the cake! Unconditional love is so important!

Yes, you should bake her the cake and the pancakes and everything else you have always done for her birthday! Yes, she is a stepdaughter, but most of all she is still a child and children need to know that they are loved unconditionally. At 17 the world is coming at her at a very fast pace and she is trying to become independent and thinks she is an adult already. It isn't just your 17 year old, they are all like that! Her situation is especially vulnerable because she has had 2 moms who left her. The only constant she has had in her life is her dad. Practically every child of divorce at some time or another feels like it is their fault that the parent left. No matter how much you try, she will be waiting for you to leave too. You must keep on treating her like you have always treated her so that she someday will begin to trust that you will always be there for her. Trust me, when she is an adult she will need you just as much as she does now. Sure it will be a different kind of need, but it will still be there and you will be more like friends than parent and child. You will be her mentor. When she has a child of her own and doesn't know what to do when they are sick or hurting, she will call you before anyone else. That is when you will know that you did the right thing when she was 17 and baked her a birthday cake because you loved her!

Hi T.,
I am sorry I am late reading this and so not sure if you had the party or not? I am sure you made the right decision though. I hope what ever you chose to do turned out ok?
I just wanted to share with you though I think It was really nice of you to think of your step-daughter and want to do those things for her and I am sorry that she doesn't do the same for you because I had a step-mother that treated me really bad and I always was doing thigs for her and she did not seem to appreciate it and it just hurt me really bad and it stills hurts me.
I hope things turn out ok for you though and I wish I had you for a step-mother!! You sound like a really sweet person.
T.

Yes. You have done that for a long time. And I sense you have enjoy doing it. You are showing your love for her. aAnd excepting her. Someday she will see that. And let you know she really cares. That is part of you going out to her. Continue to show that wonderful Mom Spirit.

Hi T.,
This is a hard lesson to learn, but whatever you do for your stepdaughter today, do it because you love her and don't expect anything in return-even for your birthday. Kids know when they're being manipulated, so if it's really not from the heart, don't do it, and for sure don't expect anything in return. If you want to do something, do it with love and give it freely, no expectations. (I don't know my stepmother's birthday, and my Dad's been married to her for 10 years! It doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just the way it is. As a teenager, I never acknowledged my stepmother's birthdays-althought I didn't live with them either.) I suggest reading a great little books called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a very helpful book to deal with life's difficulties. You're young, so you're dealing with this stuff early-you'll be so wise when you're in your 40s!

As a stepmom of a 20 and 16 year old, I believe you should make her a cake. Do whatever you would normally do. Try not to take it personally if she doesn't give you a card, gift, or express gratitude. She's still learning how to interact not only with you being in her life, but the general situation at hand, and trying to reconcile all of her emotions. Be as loving as you can, that's what she needs. Please let me know if I can assist you, ____@____.com.

Yes make her the cake, if only to show her that u do care 4 her. I have raised 4 ( 2 of each), at that age alot of them forget to thank you. One of mine 4got my birthday to!

Yes. If baking a cake is something you usually do, you should continue to do so.

My teenagers aged 16 and 18 are VERY self centered. Teenagers think the world revolves around them. It is a developmental stage that thank goodness they eventually grow out of--except for some men who never grow out of it. Bake her a special heart shaped cake for her birthday, make her the heart shaped pancakes. Buy her a present that she will like or give her a gift card to her favorite store. You are the parent. She is the child. Don't get sucked into her "teenage girl" games. Do not ever stop doing the right thing. You are her role model for appropriate behavior.

Teenagers are in their own little world. You know, you've been there! At that age it's all about them. You shouldn't let her teenage angst hurt your feelings. It's just a phase. Getting your stepdaughter a present or a cake should not depend on whether or not she'll reciprocate. A gift should be given from the heart with intentions of bringing that person joy and not what's in it for you. One day she'll be a mother herself; you have the opportunity to be a great model of what a mother should do regardless the reward. It will be then that you can be proud of the job you've done raising her by unselfish example.

I read the previous request and my heart goes out to you. Your husband MUST insist that his daughter is at least civil and respectful. She may never love you, but that doesn't mean she should get away with being rude.

As for the birthday cake, I would make the cake and give her a birthday card (not a present). I would be rather matter of fact about the whole thing and not make a big deal about it, but I would still do it. I wouldn't expect much from her, but at least you will know YOU have done the right thing.

Absolutely yes! If she was your natural daughter, you would bake her a cake, wouldn't you. No difference.
The fact that she didn't acknowledge your birthday last year, just write it up to her being a teenager.
If you don't do it for her this time, it'll be the one thing she'll never forget.

Hi T.,
I would bake her the cake and make her the pancakes. I would buy her a card and gift. Verbally wish her a happy birthday and let it go at that. You as the parent cant stoop to her level. Respect her enough to do as she ask and leave her alone. She will eventually realize that you have always loved her. Once she misses that love hopefully she will change and respect you. No matter how hard it is on you keep doing the things youre doing for her. Show her love no matter how she responds. She may never change toward you, but you will know in your heart that you have been the best mother you could to her.

As to her father, I think you both should sit down and talk about her lack of respect for you and work out a way to handle it together.

Good luck.

I would continue to do what you want to do for her. If someone was not reciprocating I would reduce the amount of attention I was giving but I would not make it a blank. It seems a card or a small cake would be sufficient in this case. Acknowledge but do not go overboard. She will probably continue to do what she does not want to do for you. Does your husband remind her to send you a card?

Definitely bake her a cake. Teenagers are difficult. You are making a long lasting relationship that will extend beyond her teenage years. She will come around and you will be so happy that you weren't petty.

Yes, do it! What a wonderful tradition! Even though she may not verbally acknowledge what you have done for her, she knows you care by doing this. Keep words to a minimum, simply Happy Birthday and let her lead. If she doesn't respond right away, don't let it keep getting you down. She is already dealing with very difficult issues as you have mentioned before. She needs stability and a "grown-up" to be there for her no matter what. You are the only stable mother-figure she has and it will never be easy for her to acknowledge that. Even the most abused of children still love their parents desperately. It may be years before she acknowledges you, so continue to do what you are doing and don't expect a whole lot in return. Hopefully, with enough time, maturity and therapy, she will get better andyour relationship with blossom.

The smile (grin) you saw this morning is a sign that she really appreciate what you have done and the thoughtfulness you have put into the gift.

Give her time, she's just torn between her mother and being close with you. She's lucky to have someone as caring and as patient as you have been.

T.,

it is unfortunate that your stepdaughter has not thanked you for the love you are showing. However, I would make this a great lesson. I would share with her your questions and tell her it hurts. I would tell her that to parents and kids b day's never end being special. You would like to think that in the future you can continue with the tradition. You then say that you are going to have the party and make the cake. But you are going to take note if she is polite, respectable and appreciatative and have to decide if this is a tradition to continue. Then I would bake her the cake and have the party, then I would sit down and explain your decision. (all with hubby on board of coarse.} Right after the party. So she doesn't get to use the "but I was going to". No person receiving a party is not going to show appreciation until everyone has left. And I would point that out in my earlier discussion.

This is not just a "step" parent thing. My kid took terrible advanage of me from time to time, until I recognized it and addressed the problem.

After all in a few years when T. has blown the wax out of her ears and realized you were right about things. You want this kind of tradition to remain strong, even through the string them up by they ankle years. I have dragged the group together at Thanksgiving and announced that nothing but positive was to be said and the first one to break it would lose my dessert they die for. Then afterwards things always seem to find an common ground after keeping the traditions alive.

Good Luck!
J.

I have 20 and 23 year old girls. I am 42.

You can't do "tit for tat" in this scenario--you'd just descend to her level, instead of bringing her up to yours. While it doesn't seem "fair" or "right" that you give and give and give but receive nothing, life isn't fair, and your stepdaughter has deeper issues than you can deal with (if your husband won't make her behave). Just let it go, and pretend that she's a perfect angel, and treat her that way as much as you possibly can. It might not make the home situation better, but you can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done the right thing, and you haven't added fuel to the fire. She will be your stepdaughter for the rest of your life, so try to make the basis of your relationship as strong as possible. She has no mother; but when she gets married or has a baby, I bet you'll be on her top list of favorite people if you handle these difficult situations the right way. If you antagonize her (which she does "deserve", I'll admit) then you'll just make the whole situation untenable, and may even drive a wedge between you and your husband--he'll be forced to choose between his little girl that he's raised practically by himself and his wife. You don't want him to make that choice, or even feel close to it. Let it go, smile at her a lot. As the Bible says, "Love your enemies do good to them that hate you." (and I like to add--"it drives them bananas!!") :-)

I would love her in spite of herself. Do everything with love. That's what my MOM (step-mom) did with me when I was awful to her... I resented her. I was disrespectful (to an extent-my dad was pretty strict). She loved me in spite of myself. Now, I am proud that she is grandma to my kids... and that she is my MOM.

YES! Bake her the cake. Who cares if she returns the favor? That's not why you're nice to your kids. You wouldn't expect your 3 year old to buy you something fancy, would you? Like I said yesterday, your stepdaughter wants to feel secure and loved, not like she's been replaced. Not making the cake would be the worst choice. She's not your friend, she's a child.

I always think the parent should be the bigger person. With that being said- you should probably just bake the cake and give it to her not making a big deal about it. Teenagers, girls and boys, can be very vulnerable and in their own little worlds and yes, a lot of times they don't want to be bothered.
My second suggestion would be to ask your husband if he'd prefer to pick one up so you're doing your best to "leave her alone"...I read your post yesterday.
I just think if you shrug off her birthday...there will be a lot of hurt feelings whether she's willing to admit them or not and even though you may have had hurt feeling last year when she didn't acknowledge your's- again, you're the adult- birthday's aren't all they're cracked up to be for us anymore :)
I just wouldn't give reason to make this situation any worse than it is.

If she were your own daughter, you'd bake a cake for her whether she acknowledged your birthday or not the previous year, wouldn't you? Teenagers are typically self-involved -- step child or no step child. You're the adult in this relationship and can't be petty and behave like a child.
You and your husband have to come up with an agreement on how to discipline with his daughter, he has to enforce it and there have to be consequences when she doesn't do what is expected of her. She's his daughter. If it's possible, you should carve out a time for you and her to re-connect as friends and she and her father probably need some alone time, too. She probably feels like she being kicked out of the family and is acting out. Or like any teen, she is testing boundaries.
Make the cake and cupcakes.

I will give you advise that I received growing up: Start out like you can keep up. Yes you should bake her a cake if you always have and she is 17 so she is the most important person in her life - if you want to blame someone for her not remembering your birthday maybe you should look at your husband - but it really doesn't matter - continue to lead by example and pray that one day it all clicks together in her mind. She is after the child and you are the adult. Bake the cake and enjoy her day with her!

17 is WAY too big for birthday parties and heart-shaped pancakes! Time to let it go, mama. :) Treat her like an adult, save yourself some stressful thoughts, and just wish a 'happy b-day" and be on your way. I'm sure you have other things to do...
Best wishes,
C., RN

YES - Be the change you want to see in the world - eventually she will come around!
If she doesn't, you have given her an example of a loving woman

yes, for your own sake. When we are kind it feels good to us and it's even better when someone we care about gets a cake too.