Should I Call?

Hi there S.,

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can tell that you and your daughter miss them. You have to keep her feelings the priority though. If the only reason your family was seeing him before was because they were trying to get money from you, then maybe his reasons for being there weren't about him wanting to build a good relationship with you or her. It would be so hard. I don't envy you. Maybe you could call or get together with them on your own and just lay it all out on the line for them. Tell them how you feel and that they are missed. Then you could just leave it in their hands to make their own decision about whether or not they want to be involved in your life. Then, if things don't work out the way we hope it does, at least you will feel like you really tried.

Good luck to you! I truly hope that this works out for your family!

C. Smith

Hi S.!
I would call them S. but once you all start talking again, do you feel like you can kind of have a "heart to heart" with them and explain to them that this is really not only hurting you but it's also affecting your daughter? I used to have a little problem with my mother-in-law and I finally told her, "you are not allowed to treat my children like this and I won't have them growing up wondering if you really mean what you say or even have to explain to them why you didn't show up somewhere you were supposed to be." She has really stepped it up, and I think once I told it to her like that, she realized that they really do have feelings and they really do know what's going on. Or next time tell your daughter, "I don't know why papa hasen't called you, let's go call and ask him." Make him respond to his own behavior and I bet he'll think twice about it next time!
Hope it helps!!

That aged old saying "can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink" may apply here. He knows where you live and how to reach you. You can not make him be something he is not. I sort of have a simular situation with my husbands father, he doesn't even know my youngests daughters name and hasn't seen them in 6 yrs. Its his loss forsure. He is missing a relationship with 2 awesome kids. And your is as well. I would suggest the next time he comes around you set him straight on this. You will not allow him to hurt your children the way he hurt you.

Good luck
T. (mom of 2 daughters)

Hi, S..

Tough situation. I would write a letter. It's easier to get the courage to write something than it is to say something. Also, write a few drafts and have a few friends and your husband look them over to make sure that your true thoughts are getting out. This also helps to get the anger out and makes it more acceptable to the receiver. I would let him know that you and your daughter love him, etc., and would like to have a relationship with him. Set the expectation that you mean a SUSTAINED relationship, not a come and go situation, as that would only hurt your daughter even more. Then make it his choice to call or visit.

Hope this helps.

A.

Depending how comfortable you feel about approaching him with this subject, I would let him know how much you you like him to be in your daughter's life. In the case of explainging to your daughter, just tell him he went bye-bye for a while and she will see him when he gets back. You could call him and just to see what they have been up to, and tell him your daughter has been asking about him and hope it might fit into his schedule a visit from time to time, that your daughter would like that. Keep it casual. Do what yo can do, and let the decision be up to him. Hopefully that will give him a clue. If he doesn't take the bait, it is his loss. one day his grandaughter will be all grown up, and he will have not many memories to look back on, then it's his guilt, not yours. If they live near by, call him and say your doing some running and will be out of the house and would like to stop by, maybe bring dessert and let your daughter have cake or something special with her grandpa. That will give your daughter a memory to keep for her of a time she spent with him. During the fall season, there are so many events happening, ask him and your step-mom if they would like to go pumpkin picking together with you, maybe they will realize the joy of spending time with you and your family and make more of an effort. You can only show him the joys, but can't make him experience it. If it does not work out, don't let that spoil the fun YOU can have with your daughter. Good Luck!

First, realize and recognize that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. By refusing to lend your father money, you were not a bad daughter. i don't know what your reasons were but denying a relative or friend from borrowing money is not wrong (in my opinion) b/c money always makes close relationships messy.

I'm assuming your father is hurt and that's why he's disappeared again. There's nothing wrong with calling your father to see how he's doing. But you should watch what you say to your 4 year old daughter about family relationships. You don't want to use words or phrases with negative connotations to place blame or fault on another party.

I had this same kind of situation with a good friend. After the third time she exited my life, I realized that it was in the best interest of my children to not put them through it again and again. I know it's different when it's family, but it is so painful for kids and people who can just pick up and move on so easily will continue to do it over and over again. And you don't want your daughter to end up acting this way in the future or having her think it's okay to act that way or be treated that way.

It sounds like someone in this situation should be the adult and call. It's sad that your dad who is supposed to help guide you in life won't be that person so it looks like it is going to need to be you. Good Luck!!! My mom and I haven't spoken, only e-mail and snail mail communication, for over 10 years. She won't let go of the things my dad did and doesn't realize that he's a part of me too.

There are some people that no matter what you do are only concerned for themselves. It hurts when these are people you really want to have a relationship with (my brother is like this). If your daughter wants to know her papa I say call them. It's true he may be in and out of her life as he was yours, but is it better for her to know him a little and have happy memories with him or for her not to know him at all?