Should I Force My Son to Keep Going to 4K School?

While I agree that pulling him is not the answer - bad precedent to set - I would suggest that you ask him open questions about what he doesn't like at school or what happened that made it "not a good day". Very casually - don't suggest anything, just see what he says. We had a situation with my middle son in Kindergarten that the teacher had something happen over the Christmas holidays and came back a different person. I always back the teachers so I assumed that his not wanting to go to school, etc. was that the second semester gets harder as they prepare them for 1st grade. Midway through the semester I had the first grade teacher pull me aside (my older son had been in her class) and told me of a couple of incidents that she had witnessed. We had meetings with the principal but since she was the only Kindergarten teacher we couldn't change classes. I did a lot more volunteering in the classroom and things got better, but it had done some damage. It took him several years before he really started liking school again. 99% of the time it is going to be nothing - just as people have suggested - novelty wore off, higher expectations, etc. but every once in a while there really is a reason for the bad day.

It's very common for kids to be excited about school until the novelty wears off and they realize they are going every single day. It's pretty routine, actually.

It's also very common for kids to have trouble with fine motor skills (crayon/pencil use) while being better at, say, gross motor skills. Some kids come into it gradually, and others can benefit from OT services. Remember that all kids do some things early and other things late. Some walk early and talk late, some do the reverse. Some kids get teeth early and potty train late, some do the opposite. You get the idea.

What you need to do is talk to the teacher and the administration, and get some very precise info of what they observe. It sounds like you have some info from them (such as the pencil issue), but are they also telling you that he has no interest in anything, or are you getting that from him? A lot of kids say they don't know what they did or they don't like things, or all they like is recess. It's common and it doesn't mean they are miserable all the time.

Ask to have someone else sit in and observe your child in various interactions: with the teacher, with other kids, with specific activities (which ones go well, which do not), and also how he transitions from one to the next. Is he working with someone for the speech problem? Have you talked to school staff about this? What recommendations have been made for him? There are very specific things that can be done, which go way beyond you saying you feel school is good for him. He's entitled to services and you need to be sure he gets them. But also find out everything he is doing that is showing proficiency or at least growth from where he was when he started. Don't just focus on "deficiencies" but also progress.

None of us likes to see a kid upset, and we all understand that. But you have to move from being heartbroken to being an advocate for your child.

Has your son's doctor evaluated or referred him for possible learning difficulties or gross/fine motor problems? Has the teacher mentioned that he can't properly hold a crayon? Perhaps he could benefit from some occupational therapy. Is he getting speech therapy? How is the school addressing his difficulties with speech and motor skills? How is the communication from his teachers?

I think that its best that you try to keep him in school, since next year he will be in regular kindergarten, I assume, but at the same time it's important to get him the help he may need to succeed without frustration. It sounds as though he's pretty much operating at a frustrational level, and that can make any child grumpy.

Right now, what's most essential is that any problems are evaluated, tools are gathered which will make learning successful, and that there is good communication between his teachers and his doctors and you. Make sure that you're asking his teachers how you might help him at home, and keep things consistent between home and school. Don't insist on a lot of learning progress right now - focus on building a solid foundation. Try not to ask him why he doesn't want to go to school, because he's probably too young to express the real issue. A 4 year old can't verbalize that he's frustrated, or that it's hard to hold a crayon properly. At his age, he just expresses those things as "I don't wanna go". You can ask him about things that are going on in the classroom ("how is the class hamster or fish", "what did you do at [a particular activity center, or circle time or whatever]?" kind of questions).

Have you talked with his teachers about how he is during the day and what kind of interventions they may have for him? That would be my first step.

I agree with others: deciding not to send him to school sends a message that this is his choice, which is inappropriate given his age. I understand what you are talking about; I've seen this sort of situation in my years working with young children.

First, your goodbyes should be quick and confident. It's okay to say goodbye when he's crying and leave him with the teacher. She should know that it's okay for him to cry; this is normal, believe me! Many kids cry during separation up through K and first grade... the more they go to school, though, the more they become accustomed to the new routine.

I agree with the need for evaluations at this point. I've gone down this road with my son in other areas and I will tell you up front-- while it's not fun for us as parents, it gives us great information to help our children develop in the areas where they need more support. My son has some learning disabilities and has some vision issues as well. Getting him started on vision therapy to correct part of this was essential. The information we have gained through the process is invaluable.

Now here is where I might diverge from other parents, but here goes: I would always, without hesitation, recommend play-based care/preschool up until age 5. It's far less daunting for the child and teaches what they really DO need to learn at 4 or so, which is how to be away from mom, in a group, how to interact with peers-- the social learning which must precede academic learning. Kids already learn a lot through play, and it's in this way that your son will have low-key opportunities to use those fine motor muscles, be around other kids with unstructured play time, and learn how to move through the day with the group. THESE are the skills which most kindergarten teachers find invaluable. Many will tell you that it's far easier to teach letters and numbers than social and self-care (wiping one's own nose, toileting, handwashing, etc) skills. There is research to back up my assertions if you care to PM me; I will try to find those articles.

I put my son in a play-based program and while he still struggled socially in some areas (due to processing delays), his academics were at benchmark at the end of K. Just something to think about. That said, I wouldn't pull your son out of the 4K program without having another alternative for him.Good luck!

*By 4K, I assume that you mean that it's a preschool program for 4 year olds, and thus it's optional, not required.

Is this a half-day K program, or full day? If it's full day, then I wonder if it's just too much for him. He's still so young. Can you find a half-day program?

Also, I have to wonder a little at your question - does he not color at home? I can understand why he's having such a hard time adjusting to school if you didn't prepare him in the most basic ways such as by introducing coloring. Most kids start doing stuff like this at home, for fun, around age 2. If you have not, then you might want keep him home for the 2nd half of the year, but get a therapist to come to the house to work on both his speech and his fine motor skills so that kindergarten isn't so foreign to him next year.

What is NOT an option, in my opinion, is to keep him home and do nothing about his speech or motor skills. Not every kid knows how to read when they start Kindergarten (although some do), but pretty much every kindergarten kid knows how - and is expected - to write his or her name on day 1. If your child can't hold a pencil, you have some serious prep work to do to get him ready for school.

ETA: I don't mean learning has to be serious for him - in fact, it should be fun for him. But it should be targeted developmentally to help him develop the skills he needs, such as fine motor skills. This is where a therapist comes in. They can teach you what kinds of games will be fun AND good for him. I'm not just talking without experience. One of mine qualified for services for fine motor skills and the therapist taught me all kinds of skill-building games to play with him that were fun - coloring, but also putting beads on strings, putting together puzzles, etc.

New Answer:

Ok, now that I read your SWH, I'm going to completely change my answer. Preschool and kindergarten and very much about teaching kids how to interact with other kids, listen to a teacher (an adult that isn't their parent), following a routine, following directions, learning through play. Of course we want kids to be learning their letters, numbers, shapes, colors, etc., but these years are so much more about the social side of the world. The academic concepts will come through stories and games.

It's important to know that coloring and art require fine motor skills that many kids do not have yet. That's ok. Exposing them to those things and asking them to try is important. When my son was in preschool he had zero interest in those activities. Other kids would want to color and would do the art project of the day and then want to do another art project during their free choice time. My son would do the required project of the day (just do the basics) and off to the toys he went. The teachers reassured me that this was completely age appropriate. He's now 10, loves art and has better handwriting than anyone I know. He just wasn't ready or interested.

I didn't to much, academically, at home. We read books every day. We had conversations, and I answered questions. I did invite him to color and did try a few art projects at home. I just tried not to push anything.

I can completely understand why this would overwhelm you, having not experienced "traditional schools" yourself. Keep talking to the teacher. Voice your concerns. The teacher will be an asset to you.

I think I would consider telling the teacher your background. It might be very, very helpful to the teacher to know that you went to a very different school. Some teachers will assume that your experience is in the public schools. This will help them explain things differently and alert you to something you might not notice otherwise.

Original Answer:
Talk to his teacher. Find out what she(he) sees. He might be struggling with something at school, and she(he) might be able to give you some real incite that will help.

It's important not to overreact. It's hard to see your baby so sad, but remember, school is simply not an option. I would be very hesitant to let him stop going. You don't want to give him the idea that he can just not go to school.

Kids go through phases like this, and there could be something going on at school that could be very easily addressed. Listen to his teacher, and just keep loving your son.

What is a 4K school?

My youngest son wanted to go into the STEM program at school. It's very competitive here, so we told him to apply and see what happened. He was one of the 48 students selected out of hundreds for the 4th grade program. His older sister in in the program as well (joined in 7th and is now in 8th). *I* don't personally love the program. I feel like it's very demanding and time consuming. My oldest is applying for the Academy of Finance for high school because she loves math, but not the science part. Anyways...my 4th grader said he wanted to quit. He doesn't have as much time for his old friends and he misses it. We told him he has to stick it out this year and we would like him to stick it out for 5th grade too. But that's his call. No quitting mid-year.

He also finds himself stressed out. We work with him to just do his best, to calm down and not make everything so difficult. One thing that he looks forward to every week is his Friday morning routine. I'm off every other Friday so I take him to Panera early. We grab bagels and drinks and we test him for his vocab. But it is a nice little reward for making it through the week and he enjoys the one-on-one time. Maybe try something like that with your son...even if it's not that.

What has the teacher told you? If you haven't spoken with the teacher, I would contact them and just tell what you've said here. I would find it very hard to know what to do without that as a first step.

One of my kids had speech therapy. He was frustrated and grumpy because he was not understood. He also was disinterested because he wasn't able to communicate easily or participate. He was a bit younger, but speech therapy helped (as did the reason he was struggling with his speech, which was because of fluid in his ears).

One of my kids had fine motor skill problems. We hired an OT specialist. She came to the house and taught me how to help my child. We worked on everything from pinching fingers together, to stamping with stampers, squeezing, lacing, picking up small objects, to cutting and also printing.

My child was discouraged at school because she was behind and never finished when others did. It developed into anxiety because unfortunately the teacher didn't tell me at first. I had to go in and see what was going on.

So that's what suggest - go in and see what the problem is.

Some kids at 4 don't want to be away from mom. Some of that might be quite typical. It can be a phase. But it could easily be a child is annoying him, etc.

I agree with others - work with him at home on cutting and coloring (for fun). This should be fun at age 4.

Does he have any really good friends? Both my kids would be excited to go bc they really wanted to hang out with their best buddy! My advice is to not give in and let him stay home because almost every kid goes through this. I think you should encourage him getting close to a few of the kids in the class. Invite them over for some one on one playdates. We did this both times we moved and were starting over...I would try to invite a kid over once a week to play (whether it was reciprocated or not). It really helped...once my kids bonded with another kid or two they were psyched to go to school and play with them. If your son is a little shy this will help I think. Also - when my son was begging to stay home saying he hates school I would tell him 1. I won't be at home, I'll be working and 2. It is the law and the law says kids have to go to school. Last - what grade is he in? I don't know what 4K is. If it is preschool make sure they don't do much with writing/math/worksheets/sitting. Make sure they do a small motor movement work bc it is important but also large motor skills...swinging, climbing, running, and lots and lots of physical activity and outside time. This is really important in preschool. Also, many many boys are NOT interested in writing, drawing, holding pencils at preschool age...my son was like this at that age but he changed as he got older.

Is 4K the same as pre-kindgergarten?

I disagree that pulling him will teach him he can quit school. 4K is not mandatory and at 4 years old, it's easy to start preparing him that it's time for a new school. Or it's time for him to work at home with you and other teachers. He doesn't know what's "normal"! And then get some specialists to come. He doesn't think down the road this or that is goIng to happen. My kids stopped certain preschool and aftercare programs if they really didn't like them. They have always gone to regular school now that they're older just fine. Real school is just that. Real. PreK is optional. I sent them mainly to be with other kids and for fun. 4 is so young. And I also think it's very important for a child to feel safe and like his parents hear what he is saying and care. He sounds very unhappy with school. Some kids cry at dropoff but then are fine and have fun once mom is gone. He's never having fun. I expect a lot of it is bc he isn't easily understood and can't color as well as other kids. A friend's son has a condition that caused him to miss a great deal of preschool. So his last year he wasn't as good as some kids at writing or something and he knew it. And it bothered him. And he didn't want to go to school anymore. They worked with him and he caught up and is fine going now. Speech therapy is very common. You may have to pay for some yourselves but it's worth it. Same with fine motor skills. I wouldn't wait if possible to get the public school system on board. I'd start as quickly as possible. And I bet he'll learn to enjoy school more. I do agree to talk to his teacher though. See what she recommends.

4k? as in prek? whats your childs age. what does the teacher say? have you done any in classroom mommy helper stuff? does the school know about his speech problem and are they working with him to help him?

Taking him out of school tells him if he whines enough he'll get his way. When you insist he's to go to school, youare not forcing him. You are making an adult decision and has his mother you have the responsibility to make decisions that you you believe are best for him. I expect your goal is to raise a confident and successful adult. He needs you to reassure him that you will help find a way to make school better for him.

You are the mothe. He's the child who depends on you to make helpful decisions and consistently enforce them. Sounds like you're torn because his unhappiness is making ypu unhappy. If you move him/ take him out of school, you're teaching him to run from problems. Now is the time to set boundaries. If you don't the teen years will cause both of you to be even more unhappy. life is more about learning how to cope. I suggest you find out why he's unhappy and find ways to support him in school. Start by talking with his teacher and the schools counselor.

I am confused in part because our state uses K4 which means the student starts in K and stays in that school until he completes grade 4. Does 4K have a different meamong for 4k?

He's in school a second year, does that mean he's in first grade. There is a difference between activities and expectations than in K. Perhaps he's having difficulty with that transition. He needs your support as he learns to navigate school. Staying in school will show him that he can navigatE school. With your support he'll learn how to resolve issues.

I would ask the teacher for an in-person meeting to discuss your son's feelings and behaviors about school. If he is have a hard time with holding crayons, how are they handling it? What happens at school when the kids are expected or directed to an writing or coloring activity? Do any of the teachers or aides get frustrated with your son, or feel he is being naughty or oppositional rather than digging deeper into why he may be avoiding this activity? Does he refuse to participate in other activities? Does the school take a punitive approach? (I hope not) Some young sensitive children really struggle, just with transitions in preschool. What about the other children? How to they react to your son when he struggles? He may be shy and holding himself together the best he can at school, but the teachers need to know something is really causing him a great amount of anxiety and dislike for school. They need to know he is very sensitive. How do they support him and foster back a trust in school and in learning? I would say to them that your son isn't able to tell you exactly why school is such a negative experience for him, and you need their help and support to understand the problem and get him moving back to a positive experience with preschool.

Another thing too, is try to keep the school talk at home to a minimum right now. He's going to pick up on your anxiety and feel like whatever issue he is having is a "big deal" and feel even more anxious about it if you keep trying to get him to talk about about it. Of course if HE starts talking about it, that's a great time to listen and validate his feelings, but otherwise I would stop bringing it up at home.

Not going is not an option.
Small motor skills - using his hands - can be helped in a lot of ways.
Anything that keeps his hands busy is a plus - play dough, lacing cards, finger paints, etc.
It all helps with writing eventually but focusing on holding a pencil right now might be pretty tough for him.
I'm surprised his school is even trying that right now.
4 yr olds are starting to play together but not well yet.
It's the age/stage.
Talk to his teacher and see if there's anything going on, anything that's changed.
When he says he misses you - well of course he does! - and you tell him you miss him too - but all his friends are at school and home is boring especially when you have chores you're busy doing.
Kids tend to think you're having some sort of carnival at home that they are missing.
I told our son that Mom is working (I had a job I had to be at early every morning) and we all have places we have to be and I'm so glad to pick you up when school and work is over.

and if you don't 'force' him to go, what's your plan?

unless i planned to homeschool, then yes, i would 'force' my son to keep going to school.

i would listen to him carefully and make sure he feels heard and understood. but i would not coddle or feed into the 'school is bad' narrative.

i would be warm and loving but not allow my feelings to tip me over into facilitating a negative attitude about school. while getting ready i'd be brisk and no-nonsense, and not get sucked into the crying and complaining.

when he comes home i'd be pleased to see him but not enfolding him into a cushy blanket of 'sympathy'. i'd resist the impulse to stage an inquisition into his day, and let him bring up any issues.

i'd also be working with his teacher on ways to keep the experience positive. he's got particular challenges that need to be addressed, but they need to not turn into excuses.

'failing' speech does not mean he can't handle school, and i encourage you not to frame it that way. clearly he can speak, so he's not actually failing. he may need some help in getting up to par with his peers.

i'm scratching my head over you just throwing up your hands over it. why haven't you followed up with the school to discuss a plan for him? yes, it's their 'job' but they have 100s of kids. you've got one. advocate for him.

stop coloring his pictures for him (??) and asking him about school to the point you get the quivery lip. your son needs to be empowered, not babied.
khairete
S.

Of course he needs to go. If he doesn't he'll not only be behind all the other kids he will have learned that all he has to do is cry a little and you will let him be a quitter.

Find out what's going on in the classroom and get the teacher on board that he's having some problems.