Should I Give a Child That Didn't Attend a Party a Party Favor?

It is not required, but if it is a good frined or a family member that I know i will see soon I usually get them a favor anyway. This year my daughters 2 best frinds oculd not come to her party so we did a seperate little gathering and gave then favors then

If I were you, as to not offend the mother, I would write her a note and ask her if it would be ok or if she would perfer that you keep it or donate it to a charity. Just have the teacher put it in a sealed envelope to the Attention of the girls parents. As you mentioned it may give the child the impression that you are rewarding her for her bad behavior. I feel it was great that the mother took her from the party. More parents need to be like that and the kids would straighten up a lot quicker then the BS "Time Out" that 9 out of 10 times does NOT work. Good luck!

No. I would only do those children who attended the party. Unless the child sent a gift. Then I would.

~K.

Give the bear to the mother. It is for her to decide if/when to give it to her child. It could be wrapped in newspaper/plastic and put in a boring brown bag so the child does not thinkit's a present.

Maybe leaving the bear for the girl would be a good way to show that you appreciate the mother's thoughtfulness in removing her misbehaving offspring. Thoughtfulness in return for thoughtfulness. Maybe you should actually leave a note indicating that you have the girl's bear, and if it's ok with the mom you'd like to give it to her. Let her know that you were concerned that she'd see that as rewarding the tantrum, so you're asking first. Since she seems like a very reasonable mother (she DID remove her daughter after all to prevent her from causing any more discord on your daughter's birthday) she'll probably be grateful and touched that you remembered and still felt like giving the bear to her daughter.

I would leave a note to the Mom in the cubby, asking the Mom what she would prefer.

if it were me, I would leave the bear. It would probably make the other mother feel better and less embarrassed about the situation. Like you aren't holding it against her or her daughter for that one incident. It also is nice that your daughter suggested it. If it would make you feel better you could leave a note in the cubby for the other mother asking if it is ok to leave the bear.

Hello, Christy --

I do have a suggestion for how to handle this situation in a courteous and gracious manner. And as a party planner with a children's etiquette business, I have a little bit of expertise to offer. :)

Please don't leave the bear in the child's cubby at school. Other children who were not invited to your daughter's party will see it and may feel sad that they were excluded from a really fun birthday party. Many schools have rules against doing this.

But a Thank-You Note is especially appropriate in this instance. I'm betting the mother of the child who had the tantrum at your party is feeling absolutely wretched right now. Who among us wants to be the mother of the child who misbehaves in public?!?!? She's probably wondering what on earth the other mothers think of her and of her parenting skills. She may even be wondering if removing the child was the right thing to do.

A gracious Thank-You Note from you, expressing your understanding, support and appreciation of her decision, would probably be a great relief to her. Simply say something along the lines of:

"Thank you so much for coming to Suzy's party at Build-a-Bear. We're sorry that Sally was unable to stay -- but please know that all of us who are mothers of young children understand that little girls sometimes have bad days! We very much appreciate the way you handled the situation. Our hats are off to you, for modeling good parenting!

Suzy just loved the (doll, game, gift) from Sally, and has been playing with it all weekend.

I'm wondering if we might make arrangements to get to Sally the bear that she picked out on Sunday? We did go ahead and stuff it for her. I'm reluctant to send it to school because other children might feel left out, but would love for Sally to have it."

Add your phone number at the bottom of the note so that the other mom will be able to reach you. If she does not want her daughter to have the bear (and I am guessing that she won't, especially if you take the convenience of a school exchange out of the equation) she won't follow up. But she will very much appreciate your kind offer, and your expression of support for her in a very embarassing social situation!

If the mom does want the bear, you might consider meeting her in the parking lot at school prior to the start of the school day or at the close of the school day. Or, if she lives at all near your neighborhood, you might agree to drop the the bear off on her front porch one evening.

G. B

i think your daughter already answered your question. i think it is wonderful and shows her heart to give the bear to the child

I would try to give the bear to the mother. Does the school have a family directory you could use to contact the mom? Maybe the teacher could help get in touch with her if not. The mom might want to decide when to give the bear to her daughter.

I would give the bear to the mother. That way she can decide when it is approriate to give to her daughter. Otherwise she may feel you are undermining her disciplining.

I would definately send a note to the school attention to this child's mother. The teacher can put the note in with the girls papers. Put your phone number in there and explain to her that she has the bear and how would she like to handle it. The school won't give you her number but you can get them to give it to her. You could always give it to her mother and let her mom decide when to give it to her (birthday or a good behavior reward - for the next time out in public).
Good luck.
It's great that you support her in the decision.

Hi, Christy, It's a shame you can't talk to the other mother first.......but I doubt that a 4 year old will connect her bad behavior and the bear from your daughter. Could you possibly leave the bear with the teacher, enclose a note to the mom, and leave the decision up to the mom? Good luck. Sticky situation...... :) N.

If you have the mother's phone number, call her and ask her.

How about putting the bear in a sealed bag (taped party bag) with the mom's name. Add a note inside explaining what is and why you are putting it in the bag. Let the mom decide if she wants the daughter to have it.

It is really super nice of your daughter to want to give it to her. She could have got the bright idea to keep it for herself - very thoughtful and coniderate gal you have. Also maybe she feels bad for the girl - sympathizes with her. It's a great learning experience.

I'd send it to the mom! Reward the mom for doing the right thing or save it until your daughter gets an invite to her party and give it to her then

I think you should ask the mom if she wants it. I probably would, but would rather be the one to give it to her rather than finding it in her cubby, so that I could have a talk with her about the situation. Re-explain how inappropriately she acted, and express how nice it is to still recieve the toy. Plus, she may really not want the bear, and think it is a reward for taking her out of the party. Ask her! If you don't have time to talk for the 5 minutes in the morning, write it in a note and give it to her.
K.

Yes, I think you should. She was just having a bad day the day of the party. Also, she did leave a gift for your daughter. If you had a party favor for her you should just let your daughter give it to her. Party favors are a way to say thank you to the person for the gift they gave you.

I would send a note to your child's teacher, explaining the situation, and w/a note attached for this child's parents to be put in that child's cubby. That way, you can ask the mom and have no worries. Every mom is different, and you never know how she'll see it! Good luck!

I'd give her the bear. Children this age have meltdowns and, had it not been for the graciousness of her mother, she would have been there to receive her bear in person (mind you, making every other party attendee miserable). It's not like she didn't show at all--she went and was having a tough time. (My 4yo still naps--maybe she needed a nap that day.)

I don't think the reason for her meltdown should determine whether or not you give it to her. Mom already "punished" her by not allowing her to stay at the party.

And God bless your sweet daughter for wanting to give her the bear. That should be your answer as you reward your own child (by giving the bear) with the feeling of giving to others.

D.

It seems as if Mom is a disciplinarian and does not give in to or permits daughter to act out int his manner. Kudos to Mom!!!!!
With that being said I think rewarding her with a bear is rewarding her tantrum. She has to know that with this behavior there are consequences that she may not like. I would not leave the bear. If more parents would correct their children for wrong behavior children would not grow up thinking the world owed them something.

No way, this child has serious issues if she is throwing tantrums at a party. Is she 4 and having tanturms??? If you really want to and since you already paid for it you could ask the mom if she wanted her daughter to have the bear. If it was my child I would not let him have the bear, this would be a lesson learned. Good luck :)

Christy, how about getting the bear to the mother and allowing her to decide when it would be appropriate to use the bear to reward appropriate behavior. It's pretty normal for a 4 year old to throw a temper tantrum, so it would not be terrible for her to get the bear under any circumstance, but letting the mother have the choice is my vote.

I probably would still give it to the little girl. That is your daughters friend and if she wants to put it in her cubby hole I would probably do that for my daughter. The little girl was punished by being taken away from the party. I have a 5 yr. old and a 2 yr. old. They are only children and they don't understand everything. They are going to throw tantrums on a regular basis. Well some anyway. Good Luck with your decision.
Take Care.

I would give the child the bear. Think about it from your perspective. If you had to remove your daughter from the party for bad behavior, 2 hours later she would be home and the two of you would be cuddling on the couch or something and it would be over. You would have done the right thing, but, maybe felt a little bad about it because all of her friends were there and they all built bears which they would probably talk about at school. The little girl missed the party but should she miss out on the bear too? The little girl was punished once by being taken home. She can at least feel like she was part of the party by having the bear.
Kids act out and should be punished, but they are sensitive too and they are, after all, just kids.

I hope this helps, maybe I am a push over, but kids forgive us all the time.

Anna

I would give the girl the bear. Also, punishing children for tantrums does not tend to reduce them. In general tantrums happen when kids' internal regulation system becomes overwhelmed. Although it may be true that giving a child what they want may teach them that tantrums "work," thus encouraging the behavior, the child is not going to think that the bear was a reward for having a tantrum. For one thing, for young kids rewards have to be immediate to have any effect. Also, the mom may not have taken her home to "teach her a lesson," but rather because she thought she was overstimulated or tired.

i think it is beautiful that daughter came up with this plan all by herself. i'd do it but put it in a bag (you probably have gift bags left over) so that it does not draw attention from the other kids.

I agree with everyone else--give the bear to the mom and let her decide.

BTW: I think it is so sweet and giving of your daughter to make sure that this little girl gets her bear. I can think of other 4 year olds who would try and convince the mom to keep the bear for herself :) Kudos to you for bringing up such a sweet little one.

Yes, give her the bear! She initially attended, brought your daughter a gift and was removed before she could ruin the bday party with the tantrum....GIVE her the bear!!
:-)

Since your daughter is four, I am guessing her friend is close to the same. A child who attends a party, for even a few minutes get the party favors I have. In your case, I get your point about it being due to her behavior but given her age, missing the party and whatever punishment her mother gave her is probably more than sufficient. I don't believe in double punishments. Besides, she did leave her gift even though she left AND your daughter wants her to have it. I seay let her have it. After all, it will also serve as a reminder that her bad behavoir caused her to miss the fun of the party and building the bear herself.

My vote is to give her the bear. It was very thoughtful of your daughter to think of that. I would send a note to the teacher to give to the other mom to see if you should send the bear in, or if she'd like to get together for your daughter to give to her daughter. Or perhaps they could have a play date or lunch.
M.

I think it is a nice gesture and very kind of your daughter to want to do that. I would be okay w/ it as a mother. We all have bad days and since the other child's mother dealt with the behavior by removing her, she's already received her "punishment." I would look at it like your daughter was being supportive of a friend who was having a bad day. Maybe she can attach a little note to the bear that says something similar.

Children have bad days...heck, we as adults have bad days. I too give that mom credit for leaving! I know there have been times I have wished other people would have made those decisions for their child, and I fully intend to when mine is older (I have left places while babysitting because the children were misbehaving).

I agree with the others who mentioned trying to get in touch with the mom and see what the mom thinks. Perhaps she could make it a Halloween gift or something like that.

I would put the bear in a bag or box and attach a note for the mother. This could either be left in the child's cubby, or with the teacher to give to her when she brings her daughter in. You could also give her your phone number so that she could contact you. By doing this you are showing that you respect the mother's decision about giving the child the bear, but are also respecting your daughter's choice to give the bear to the child.

Were I the child's mother I'd probably rather that she not get the favor.

I suggest saving the bear for now, and donating it to a local toy drive when it starts up for the holidays.

I love the fact that your daughter wants to still give it to her. How awesome is that?! I wish we adults could be so quick and egar to forgive and go on as our kids are.

I can see where you are coming from too with not wanting the other mom to think you are rewarding a tantrum. However, I feel that the opportunity for you to allow your daughter to show kindness and compassion, even when the other child clearly didn't really 'earn' it with her behavior, is too great of an opportunity to pass up. Plus, the fact that mom removed the girl from the party for her poor behavior choice seems to me to be punishment enough.

You can write a note to the girl's mom telling her how sorry you are that her daughter didn't get to finish her bear and how thankful you are for mom taking care of the situation even thought you hated that she had to leave before you really got to talk with her. And let her know that your daughter really wants her daughter to have her bear. And that maybe you moms could get together some time and let the girls play one-on-one. This is how great friendships are made.

Your daughter could wrap the bear and make her own note to the little girl. You have obviously done a great job teaching her compassion! Way to go MOM!

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 8 & 2yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. We love to help other moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal. If you or someone that you know wants to be a SAHM please email me at ____@____.com. Thanks!

If they left a gift, I would give her the favor. Its unfortunate that she misbehaved and wasn't able to stay, but at least her mom was considerate enough not to let her ruin your child's party.

If it were only my opinion that mattered, I'd say give the child the bear. Her tantrum could have many source causes, and perhaps it would show her the thoughtfulness of others. However, what you could do to check with the child's mother first is write a note to your child's teacher asking her to pass the note on to the other child's teacher and on to the mother. The mother can then decide for herself if her daughter should get the bear. Convoluted I know, but can't think of any better way. Good luck!

Christy:

Hello! First off - WOW!! What a great daughter who wants to ensure that a friend gets a toy! Not many kids would think of other's like that! KUDOS to you! HUGE kudos!

For me, it's hard to answer this question because I don't know if the meltdown your daughter's friend had was because she wasn't getting her way or wanted something she couldn't have, etc.

How did you invite the child to the party? If you sent an invite via the teacher, ask the teacher to have the other mother call you (as they most likely cannot give out information) and ask her how she wants to handle it - tell her how your daughter wants to handle it as well.

Let your daughter know that she is a WONDERFUL person for thinking of her friend and ensuring she gets what she started to build but you need to talk with her friends mommy to see how she wants to handle it.

Take care.

Christy,
I'd call the mother and ask her if it is ok if your daughter brings the bear to school for the child who had to leave the party. She'll tell you and then you'll know what to do!