Should I Hang on to This "Friend"?

I have a friend who is just like this!! I decided that I didn't have the energy to deal with her so I quit calling. When she calls I just tell her I only have a few minutes and after she rambles on I tell her I have to go do whatever now. I do like her and she is the type that would do anything for anyone but she just never has time to listen to anyone! Or I call her from the car that way when I get where I'm going I can say, I'm here I have to go now. Good luck!

A.,

Could she just be so starved for adult female conversation that she has so much that she wants to say to you? If I don't see my friend for awhile, we both have so much to say that it's hard to be the listener. On the other hand, I have a friend that talks so much that I can't get a word in edgewise, but, she always gets around to asking me how I am when she's finished.

What happens if you call her first and say you need her advice?

Give this woman some more time to get it out of her system and see if she finally runs out of things to say and listens to you.

B.

the other moms gave great advice on what to do about this "friend", but i want to address the "son not wanting to share his toys" issue. now, when they come to your house, your son is expected to share his toys, so what is this teaching the children? i really hope you are talking about your one year old's friend and not the 5 year old's! either way though, it's teaching them that her child or their toys are more important than yours, and her child is entitled to them all but your child isn't. that isn't fair to your child, and i would use that as an excuse to end playdates. you could say "my son could use a break from his toys and to play with someone elses, so we are going to go somewhere that he's allowed to play with their toys" maybe she'll get the hint. this is a family of "takers", you need to hang with people that are "givers" as well.

A.,

You are not the first to go through this. We have this idea that we have to be friendly with all of our neighbors and obligated to be friends at times because of our kids. I too went through a simular situation with my neighbor and I finally had to tell her (after not answering my phone) that I felt like it was one sided. I asked her why she would only talk about her and why her kids were more important than mine. It did go better than I thought but we are not friends now. Civil but not friends. There comes a time when we have to relize that we should only have people in our lives that are supportive to us as well as we are to them. We are actually setting examples of what relationships are to our children. This is not a good example to your child of friendship and its not good for you either.

I hope that you will find someone in a group or church or another neighbor that will be the friend you need.

There is one out there! I promise!

Good luck,
K. L.

Hi A..

There is no doubt none of us can make this decision for you, but it's good you are seeking ideas. You're in a tough situation. You've probably seen Dr. Phil and heard him say that we teach people how to treat us and I'm a firm believer in this. There is nothing wrong with telling her how you feel and seeing what happens.

Over the years, I've learned that there will be a very select few who will ever be a part of my inner circle, a slightly larger group with whom I share a little less and finally, an even greater number of people I can only consider aquaintances. It took a long time to get used to the idea that some people couldn't care less about my life and only wanted a "friendship" for what they could get, but I did learn it and have no doubt that you are finding those lines for yourself.

In the meantime, hugs around your heart!

I don't think you need to get rid of her, but it seems like you're stressed out over this. Friendship requires reciprocation; if she's not giving it to you then maybe you ought to 'cut back' on the time you spend with her? Do your kids hang out a lot or is it just occasionally and on her terms (i.e., how hurt would your kid be if the time spent together was decreased)?

I respect your desire to solve this tactfully, as that would be good modeling for your child but don't sacrifice your sanity and patience for this woman who clearly is self-centered. I'm not saying take a low-road approach, but if it were me I'd just slowly detach myself from this woman and turn it into a casual/occasional friendship.

You sound like a very generous person... a fact that has made it easy for this "friend" to take advantage of you. Real friendships require an even measure of give-and-take from both parties. This relationship is much too one-sided to work. You give, she takes.

Look at it this way: you're different people who have different habits, priorities, schedules, opinions, and needs. This woman's "friendship" offers no fulfillment for you in any of these areas. Not that you need it, but you have my permission to move on.

We learn from childhood that "everyone needs to get along and be friends." It's a nice sentiment, but the reality of it is that some people are just too different to truly be friends, and though no one ever said so in Kindergarten, that is OK. You don't need to be rude or insensitive to her, but if moving on is truly what you want (and need), then it is time to let her know that you are doing so. The next time she calls, try something like, "Hi Jeanine. I'm glad you called because I need to talk to you. I hope that our sons can remain friends, but in truth, I just don't feel close enough to you to share with you the way you share with me. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I don't want to encourage this relationship any longer." Trust me, the conversation can be awkward, but it leaves no doubt as to your intentions.

Be strong. Good luck. God Bless.

A.,
I went through a similiar situation when my oldest was born five years ago. My husband's cousins wife and I would hang out together because we were new moms and didn't really know any other new moms. However, our interests and personalities could not have been more different. She, like the friend you have now, could talk and talk and talk and talk until I found myself dreading the time we spent together and even becoming angry because I could never talk or if I tried, I got talked over. The way I dealt with it is I started to seek diligently for new friends and I found a group called the family network that I am very active in. I also found another lady with children the same age and our children have been playing together now since they were babies. I would love to meet up with you as I am also homeschooling my five year old son. I also have a 3 year old daughter and a 14 month old daughter. I am due with our fourth child in November. The good friend that I do a lot with now is not planning to homeschool and her children are girls. My son is getting to an age where I would really like him to start spending some time with boys his own age, especially since I am homeschooling. Anyway, back to the talking friend. We started doing less and less together because I got busier with other activities and friends. We still did stuff together occasionally, but I would usually try to do things with her outside of our homes because she literally would not stop talking and I felt like I had to be rude and cut her off to leave if I was at her house. Worse yet, if she was at mine, she would sometimes camp out from lunch time till when my husband got home. I didn't feel guilty that we were not compatible. If you really want to try to make this friendship work, you can either approach her about how you feel and hope she is mature enough to handle it or just find others you are more compatible with. She has other friends now that she does things with often and we rarely see each other except at occasional family functions or birthday parties. I wish you the best and if you would like to contact me, please do.

A.,

Gosh i wish I had a friend ike you right now. I have just moved to a new area with no friends or family (my family is in the uk.). She is not a friend, she sounds like she is using u. I have a friend in the UK who could talk the hind legs off a donkey - she still has time for me!!

If you need a friend I am free - married 3 years and have a 15month son. Keep smiling.

Well now, not to be the one here telling you to be rude but, you could just return her favor and when she calls you make up some excuse as to why you ahve to get off the phone, you do after all have two kids and a husband and house to take care of. I'm a talker and i know it and my friends know it, when they need something it's hard for me to listen and not input my thoughts every time they stop for breathe, my best friends know that it's not intentional and to just step back in the minute i breathe myself or to tell me to shut up, the rest of the world tunes me out. lmao. really though what if you jsut tell her hey i'm having a rough day or i'm busy right now and ask to call her back later, maybe then if you are the one starting the conversation she will let you have a few words, or you could just talk to her about all this, it'll either fix it or make her so mad she stops calling, so it's kinda a win win for you. but i will say this if she's new to the area she probally has very few friends herself and no one to talk to and while you ahve been very nice to let her she now sees you as that person she can just call and vent to. tell her what you told us that you feel like she doesn't ever have time for you when you need to talk and discuss your concerns about the children and how you would like for them to be friends see what happens. good luck.

You aren't being selfish at ALL!! You have every right to question this persons behavior.
I, too, have had "friends" like this, and I can say from personal experience that she is no friend to you. She's a "user". Obviously she doesn't have many other friends she can turn to to run off at the mouth, but she found you and now you are stuck.

My advice is this - slowly be busy. When she calls, stops by, etc, you are busy, or in the middle of something. Maybe she will improve if she realizes your relationship needs to be more than one sided, but most likely she won't. I've learned the hard way, once these types of people find nice people like you, it's like a fly to rotting food. Also, you could try speaking to her about this, if you feel comfortable. Either way, a woman needs more than a chatty neighbor who just wants to dump all her problems on you. Ask for more than this, or MOVE ON! You have every right!

Just my opinion but sounds like a long miserable friendship to me if you stick with her. She sounds very self-centered and will wear you down after a while. There are plenty of other women out there with boys your age. Get involved in reading time at the library or something similar where he can meet other kids his age. You'll find friends, don't try so hard.

We all want friends, and we hope for great friendships for our children. But if your not meshing with the mom, and your son is not meshing with the boy (maybe because he gets no consistent time with him), then what is the point? Unless this is someone your child really likes, then take the high road. It's a family from the block (one your kids will go to school with). Be tactful, or find really good excuses until she get the point. Even slow learners, at some point...get the point. I wish you all the best, because this is a difficult situation. We all want friends, but they have to actually be that....friends.

It sounds to me like you don't really want to be friends with this person, and she is a drain on you. I dont' think you're being selfish necessarily. I wouldn't answer her calls, personally. But I would maybe try to let her know why, as gently as possible of course! You never know, she's probably unaware of this trait. You could tell her "I know you don't mean to make me feel this way, but when we talk I feel that you aren't interested in what I have to say. It hurts my feelings and I am getting to a point where I resent talking to you." Maybe you are just a quieter person who is slower to "speak into the gap" of a conversation or pauses more, and she is reading that as you have nothing more to say. I know I've personally run into that (on her end of things), where someone has said they didn't feel they could talk and I've paid attention after that, and realized it was because I wasn't comfortable with the length of the silence that they were. My husband is a good example. I've had to learn to wait longer than I feel comfortable, to see if he's done, or ask if he's still thinking, etc. And he's had to learn to speak up if I start talking and he's not done--"wait, I'm still thinking!"
I hope that makes sense.
Other than that, why do you think you have a hard time making friends? Maybe you should concentrate on that?

ok i know this is hard! ok first you are not being selfish!!! you dont have to make her an enemy, tell her how your feeling. i know you said you cant be the talker but you have to take charge. you seem to have alot on your mind and need to talk and well she isnt giving you that chance to talk. friends listen to others, even if they are sick of hearing the same things. when she calls you just cut the conversation short. tell her you have to go to the bathroom, the baby is hungry, you have another call, you have to go to the store, ect.... i know its nice to feel like you have a friend but if your starting to not even like her, then whats the point anymore. to me it just sounds like out of this friendship. i dont know, good luck!

HI A.! My name is K.,I hope I can be helpful in what I'm about to say. I have had friends in my life like this, I get what you are going through. These are "high maintenance friends" and they can be quite exhausting at times.Us girls need to have friends that we can vent our day with,laugh with,cry with,and to help encourage us when we are feeling defeated. You are not "wrong" to feel frustrated with this person....I don't even know her and I feel frustrated! Ask yourself this question...does she encourage you in any way? Does she seem like the friend you can turn to and trust? Does she help you feel positive...or does she give you a negitive feeling? Do you really have anything in common with her? If these are questions that you can not answer in a possitive way,you may reconcider who you spend your time with. I don't mean that you should be rude and totally avoid her,just seperate yourself from her. When you see her say hello,if she begins to tell her "life story" than simply say,"I'm soyry to inturupt,but I have somewhere I need to be." I'm a stay-at-home mom as well, I have a teenage son & 2 foster children,one of them we are getting ready to adopt. I use to homeschool as well, I know what it's like to be stuck in the house all day and longing for a friend to hang out with and to be able to have adult converstaion. Trust me...you need friends that will lift you up..and care about what your day is like. You also need friend's to laugh with...laughter truley does make a difference in how your day goes. Make sure you find a way to to make time for you. I hope this helps....good luck!

I don't think you are being selfish at all! In fact, quite the opposite and I'd love to have a friend like you :) I think she is using you to vent, or whatever. Basically, she probably has no one else to blab to, so she uses you as a sounding board, which would definitely bother me too. A real friendship is equal and she doesn't seem to care much about what you think or feel. I would just stop taking her calls. If she sees you out and corners you, just say you are busy, or you have to go your son needs you :) If you ever want to chat, email me! ____@____.com Good luck on your pregnancy!