I rec'd a call yesterday from another mother telling me her son (I've never met them) and mine had traded toys at camp and she was sorry - her son would bring my son's toy back immediately. I told her not to worry...that if my son traded something, then he was ok not having the other toy, but if her son (or she) wanted their toy back, we would gladly bring it back. She told me to keep it and insisted again on bringing my son's toy...again I told her it was fine. Then she confided that her son was thrilled b/c times were tight in their house and he hadn't gotten toys for his bday or had a party...and the toy my son gave him was something he's really been wanting. I asked my son to see the toy he had traded for, only to hear him say, "What toy? I didn't trade...he didn't give me anything. I told him he could play with my toy for the day and he never gave it back." Wow...I then mentioned how strange that was b/c his mom said he was so excited b/c he had never owned one of those toys before. To which my son replied, "He lied." "What?" I said. "He lied...he told us at camp he had a ton of these toys at home." My son then started getting tears in his eyes. "I know how he feels," he said. "I know what it's like for other people to have toys that you don't and you feel totally left out...and you don't want them to know." "I bet he also made it up that he has the same hat I just wore to camp." He then paused wiping his eyes and asked me, "Mom? Can I give him some more of my toys...the ones we were going to donate?" What would you do? Call his mom to be sure she knows the truth? Would you offer up the toys to the mom/boy in as non-offensive manner as possible? I think I might call his mother and ask if my son can talk to hers...and be sure that my son is able to tell him that what he did was wrong...lying and stealing...and that friends don't do that. But that he knows what it's like to feel left out. And he has some things he'd like to give him. I'm just not sure how to try to impart a good lesson from this to both boys. What would you do?
Talk to the mom in person. This is a tough one---I would let her know what he said and see what happens from there---I wouldn't let this one go because its about the principle--the boy shouldn't steal. If he is stealing now and getting away with it, this will continue into adulthood. Stop him in his tracks.!
M
I pass out/on clothes and toys that my kids are done with to friends and neighbors. I think the time to offer them up without being awkward would've been when you were on the phone originally and she confided in you. Now if you offer up, it will seem like a 'pity' donation.
I would wait to see if it comes up again and then offer.
I would let the boys work it out. As far as the other toys if your son wants to give them up to this boy then I would gladly let him. Maybe they can become friends.
I think it's very difficult to say "My son said X and yours said Y, so yours must be lying because mine never would." We can all get burned by that or feel insulted - and if we're wrong about our own kids, it's worse. Even if it's true, you don't get anywhere with it. Depending on the age of the kids, you could let them work it out. But I think it's okay to call the mom and say, "I think there is some misunderstanding. My son intended to let your son play with the toy for the day, but he'd like it back. I think it was a loan and not a trade, as my son didn't take home anything of your son's." Say it lightly and casually, and finish with "So, can Johnny bring the toy back to my son at camp tomorrow?"
Donating is a nice idea but it highlights that the other boy hasn't any toys, which may make him feel even worse than he does now. You could organize a toy exchange perhaps, where everyone brings something and gets to take something else home - just like recycling. It works best when families have kids of different ages so that a toy that's "too young" for her son can be picked up by someone with younger kids.
I'm sure the other boy is saying he has this toy or that hat to be in good standing with the other kids.
If you call and ask if the boys can talk, and they you put your son on the phone, who will then proceed to tell this boy that he's a liar and a thief, then the other mom will view you as being complicit in setting this all up. She'll probably be ticked that you bypassed her in order to accuse her son. So let the boys work it out in camp, or you call mom-to-mom with the "misunderstanding" approach.
I would let the boys work it out. It seems like your son has a pretty good idea what he is going through. You son talking to him, telling him he understands will go a long way to the boy telling the truth. A heck of a lot more than mom coming down on him like a ton of bricks.
Really it teaches both boys a good lesson.
Wow my answer is soooo different than anyone else. I guess cause my kids suck at lying I never considered what it is like to have your kids keep something from you.
Not sure what the answer is, but you have a terriffic son. I am really impressed that he is so kind and recognizes others feelings. Good Job mom for raising such a nice kid!
In my opinion just leave it alone and if it happens again, then, let the mother know.
We never know what goes on in other people's homes. There's no way to know if this kid's family is living on lean financial times or not. So while you should let the mom know that there's a difference of opinion find a way to do that will save face for the mom and the child. Remember there are always 3 sides to every story - mine, his and the reality that is somewhere in the middle. Your son sounds compassionate and I think that's awesome and wonderful - that's a good thing to encourage in your boy. But he still may be seeing things that are not entirely accurate - you don't say how old he is - but kids even teens - don't always see the reality of waht's going on - they don't have the life experiences that help us filter what they experience.
Call the mom and say - gee I'm not sure if my son's perspective is all that accurate and the bottom line is that he wants y our son to keep the toy but he told me that your son said he had a lot of these toys at home. Some kids say things in order to feel accepted by the other kids and I just thought you'd want to know about it so you can help your boy understand it's always best to be honest and that other kids will still like him - my son says he's a sweet kid that is liked by the others. Then leave it at that.
How old are these boys?If they can handle it themselves first.. I think I would give that a try. If your son felt like he wanted the toy back, he should have asked or told you..
I would not really like him giving away a toy before asking permission, but if you have not discussed it with him, maybe a good time for this discussion.
If they are younger than 6 then yes, I might mention it to the mom, just as a "FYI", my son told me a different story..
If your son mentions he wants help with the situation, then step in.. Maybe even discuss it with him about how he would like to handle it..
Again I think it depends on the ages.. Once they start school, the teachers really encourage the kids to work this out among themselves first..
Your son is a SWEETHEART !!! Bless his little heart ! You have a Great caring, compassionate child on your hands mama !!!! I Really hope Mikey grows up to be like this !!!! I would have him to talk to that little boy :-) just like you said have him explain that friends dont steal from each other and we should not lie Ever and he understands how he wants to "fit in"..... and Yes then I would call the mom and ask if she thinks her son would like to go through the toys we were going to donate and he can have which ever, or All, of them he would like !! IF it does happen again tho, I would call his mom and discuss it with her! I would want to know if Mikey was stealing or whatever!!
oooh man....this is tough...
Your son is REALLY sweet to offer up the toys he was going to donate...
However, on the other side - I would talk to the mom again - FACE TO FACE and let her know what your son said...DO NOT accuse either boy of lying...just say, "I wanted to follow up with you about our talk...this is what my son said happened...I don't want this to turn into a he said/she said thing... I just wanted you to know..."
Maybe have them over for a play date....talk then...and have some toys - maybe 2 or 3 - that your son was going to donate ready to "trade" for the son or give to him...while the boys are alone your son can tell him - hey next time - don't tell your mom something that didn't happen...it makes us both look bad." don't have your son call him a liar - it will lead to a fight...have him LEAD BY EXAMPLE...
I would ABSOLUTELY throw this kid under the bus... I would most certainly hope that someone would immediately tell me if MY kid was pulling that ____@____.com!
Diane B gave you and excellent answer.
Good luck to you and yours.
I think the mom needs to know and then let her handle it how she wants. I also think that your son is super sweet and I think that you should let him donate more of his toys in order to encourage his giving nature.
I would call (or talk to in person) the mom and tell her, "I asked my son to show me the toy he traded for and he told me that he didn't trade and that he lent his toy to your son to play with for the day. I'm not sure who's telling the truth here but my son would like for your son to keep the toy and also really wants to give your son more of his toys. I would love for him to do this, but I wanted to check with you first to see how you wanted to handle the situation. If it's okay with you we'll drop some by."
This way she knows what's going on, she can determine whether or not she wants to "reward" her son with more toys (either way she still has the opportunity to talk to him about what he did), and your son still gets to give if mom permits it.
I want to know if my kid was taking other kids toys.
Yeah mom needs to know so she can address her son so he does not carry on with this behavior and certainly offer up the toys that your son is not using.
Hi, N.:
I would suggest that you, the mother of the boy, the boy, and your son meet.
I suggest that you facilitate a circle dialogue with these questions.
Ask the boy these questions:
1. Tell us what happened concerning the toy.
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done?
5. In what way?
6. What do you think you need to do to make things right?
Then you ask your son, the mother of the son these questions.
After they answer the questions, they you give your responses to these questions.
1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
By doing this, the problem will resolve itself.
Good luck
D.
Personally I would let it go. Don't get the toy back don't donate more right at the moment (could be embarrassing, or could be a reward for lying), but sure, if on future play dates your son wants to give him some more toys so be it.
This is a pretty straight forward common scenario. The kid didn't have the toy, the kid wanted the toy, and he told lies all around. It' not OK but I remember kids doing that all the time when I was little.
If your son doesn't mind giving him the toy, he can let him keep it, or if he does, he can ask for it back. I would let them work it out themselves and have your son warn him that "next time" he shouldn't lie like that. Letting him know that he and you (his mom) know may be enough of a heads up. If not, let the next episode get handled more "thoroughly".
I'm with Diane B on this one. By subtling letting mom know that your son didn't participate in a "trade" of any kind you are opening the door for her to either talk with her son or ignore it. Either way, you aren't advocating the lying, but you aren't coming right out and making an accusation.
Offering the other mother the toys is entirely up to you, but if this child is already lying to cover-up what's going on at home this may not sit well with him. You could, however, mention to mom that you just dropped off a ton of those toys at the Goodwill, if it works into the conversation... and she can purchase them at a reasonable cost if she likes.
Wow, your son is awesome !!!
He knew how the other boy felt, forgave him for lying, and wants to ensure that he doesn't feel left out anymore.
Let me say again -
your son is awesome.
With that being said - ask you son how he wants to handle it. Your son seems to know that what his friend said/did was wrong, but is empathetic to the other boy's feelings.
There is nothing wrong with calling the other Mom and saying that your son wants to know if her son would like to have some toys that he doesn't play with anymore. But, I would tread very carefully if telling her that her son lied. If their finances are that tight - she may be embarrassed.
But, again,
Your son is awesome.
