My husband is going on his first deployment, and though its technically 12 months, its 15+ with training (halfway across the globe). He has to leave our house at 6 in the morning to get on the plane. We have a very smart but emotional 2 1/2 year old and we're trying to decide whether to wake him up for the goodbye or to say goodbyes the night before. Any advice on pre-deployment conversations would be nice too.
*** Thank you all for your advice thus far! Here is a little more info... we are indeed army, and he's not deploying with his group, he's an individual augmentee so there won't be a going away ceremony here.
Thank you all for your advice, we did wake him up for goodbyes and it went well. I have realized that I ascribe way too much comprehension to his command of language and I need to treat him a little more like a two year old because he is. Its finally set in that Dad's going to be gone for a while but he doesn't seem distressed about it anymore. We're keeping busy I just need to start cooking meals again! :) Thank you again!!
Tough call. I know a family who had emotional kids over a week long training exercise and they wouldn't say anything until the kids went to bed the night before because of it. I think I'd do that because then you have two spun up kids and 12+ months of dealing with it on top of the whole situation.
A.
When my husband leaves that early we have the kids say goodbye the night before. It makes it a little easier on the kids and husband. And I am going to give you the best advise about depolyment...STAY BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!.....the more you put on your plat the less you think/worry about him. get your older child into dance or something. And do all the free activities there is to offer on base. My husband jokes cause every time he is on a deployment,we end up in the base paper cause we are always doing stuff. Good luck. The 1st one is the hardest.
I agree with Mona and it depends on the maturity and how well will he be able to comprehend what is going on, Sounds like you are Army and not sure how the deployment ceremony works. My son was almost three when my husband deployed last year and we took him to the actual airport so he understood that daddy was going away but not sure how long, my then 9 year old handled it well up until it was time for us to leave and he started crying which upset his little brother then of course it took everything in me to hold it together for all three of us...So no matter which way you choose it is going to feel like daddy disappeared to the child when he does not come back in a couple of days and that is normal so it should be up to your husband whether he wants you guys there or not my husband felt guilty at the last minute about having us there and glad that we were there at the same time, but to me I would have had it no other way I wanted to be there and so did the kids but it was at about 6pm at night when he left and we waited with him for about an hour or two, to me there is no right or wrong way to handle it, just go with your gut.
Good luck...MAMALYNN
Either way would work as long as there is a goodbye for now time the child can associate with Daddy leaving the house. You could even have a special "we'll miss you Dad" evening the night before. A special meal for Dad at home or eating out but be sure the message is we are doing this because we love Dad and will miss him while he is gone. At that age your son wont understand the length of time you are talking about so your focus is simply on Daddy is leaving but coming back, we will miss him, you will be with Mommy who loves you very much, all is well in your safe and secure world. I would keep smiles in place with a lot of hugs and kisses for everyone. He will largely check with you to see how he is suppost to feel and react to Daddy's leaving. Good luck on this as well as the rest of the deployment stress you experience.
L., me personally I would wake them up and have them say goodbye, or even take them to the bus/hangar. I had my not quite 3 year old with me half the night to wave byebye to daddy when he left for Iraq back in 04. This way they don't see daddy at night tucking them in and then the next day he disappeared. The actually see him leave which is more locigal for them (I think).
Discuss it with your husband, pediatrician, chaplain, CDC-person, etc.
Hope this helped a little bit.
M.
Schweinfurt/Germany
L.,
your hubby is probably gone already by now but I still wanted to comment that even though kids don't have a good command of language that does not mean they don't understand what is going on. I think you need to talk to him very matter of fact what is going on so that he does not need to guess, even if hubby calls, e-mails, video conferences or web-cams with you during the deployment (think about it positively as there are so many more options to stay into contact with hubby/daddy nowadays than 13 years ago when there was barely e-mail available).
I think utlimatley it's up to you how you feel about his deployment. If you stay positive, so will your son (mine was a bit older when daddy was deployed and I had a 3 month old when he was in Afganistan but I never had problems.)
Whenever you feel bad about the deployment use the thinking that my friend come up with while our husbands were gone: Ok I'm a single parent right now but at least I don't have to got to work as well as being a single parent to keep my standard of living.
Hope my thoughts make this tough time a bit easier but always think there are so many woman that have survived it as well!
Hi L.,
We are currently on the homestretch of a 15 month deployment. When my husband left our daughter had just turned 3 a couple weeks before. We decided not to go to the going away ceremony. He said goodbye to her at bedtime and we said our goodbyes at the door. It turned out to be a good idea because the ceremony was delayed and didn't even happen until around midnight. Even if it would have been early I feel like it would have been confusing to her and then she would have had to see me a wreck which I prefer her not to see. :)
Good luck! And the 15 months will go by quickly... I promise. There are tough times but your little ones will keep you on the go and it will help tremendously.
Jen
I have 3 children ages 9, 6, and 1 1/2. We have found that it is easier on the kids if they say goodbye to daddy at night before bed. We have a special dinner and spend time together the night before. The only time we wake them up is if we are actually taking daddy to the airport or hanger. Other than that we wake up and go about our day as normal as possible. It has made it much easier on them this way.
yes wake him up !!!! i speak from experiance wake him up i made the mistake of not doing so with my son and he cryed for about 2 hours trust me it will be harder in the long run if you don't. good luck
i just saw that you are okinawa we are also here on camp foster ###-###-#### so if you need anything please call me i have been in your shoes more than once and i KNOW how hard it is.
