Should We Continue to Support or Back off...a Bit?

Not going to her game is supporting her right now. This is what she is asking of you. Support her feelings, support her decision, support her right to make this decision and support her sense of self-confidence in asking this of you.

there's a reason why she is saying this so I would hope if you don't quiz her she'll eventually fess up. Also, I would continue to go to the games (to see my child and monitor what goes on) but I would sit up high in the bleachers and be quiet. No yelling. Just watch.

Take her for coffee and ask her what's up. Be honest and open with her - it's easy if that's how you've been doing it all along. Ask her what happened. Maybe it is just that she doesn't want you front and center anymore. Maybe someone made fun of her for having the loudest cheering section. Maybe she just wants to feel more grown up and independent.

I would NOT back off though if it were my kids. But, I honestly can't imagine them asking us. So I'd have the conversation with her and see what you get. Tell her it's important for you that you are there...and if she wants you not up front and not loud, totally fine, respect that. But at this age, it's incredibly important to stay involved in their lives.

i rarely missed one of my boys' sporting events, and while i was never the 'loudest in the stands' i was generally pretty enthusiastic.
from your post (which is obviously limited) it sounds as if you might be a little yoinked about by your kid's demands. *she* wants you in the front row, *she* complains if you're not yelling the loudest, now *she* wants you out of there.
this doesn't directly address your question, but it could be time to take her out of the center of the universe. you go to her games because YOU want to be there. you sit where you want, and cheer as loudly or beam with quiet pride as YOU feel inclined.
and now you go or stay home according to what you'd like to do. if you're making her nervous, sit somewhere less obvious and pipe down.
when you say you're not buying it, do you suspect something nefarious, or is it just that you think she wants to hang solely with her friends?
of course you discuss nervousness and coping techniques with her, but i'm not so sure there's a huge thing to 'get to the bottom' of.
she's a young teen and developing an identity separate from yours. that's great. let her rock with it, and don't base your attendance on the games according to the whims and vagaries of a young teen's rapidly changing emotional landscape.
khairete
S.

I wonder if one of her teammates or friends remarked that her parents are the loudest and most front-and-center in the stands or on the sidelines. Perhaps she felt self-conscious. Maybe one of her teammates chided her for missing a play or making a small mistake and she's hesitant about what you'd think.

She probably still wants you there, but perhaps in a more subtle way. Make sure that your comments about her performance are reasonable, true, and that they reflect what's really important about sports and teams.

Because I think the issue is that she complains if you're not the loudest, and not right in the front row. Playing a sport is about teamwork, sportsmanship, developing skills, playing a game that you love, learning, accepting coaching, contributing to other team members' success and enjoyment of the game, winning and losing with grace, and physical fitness. It's not about having the loudest, most visible cheering section, although family support is wonderful. It sounds like she's conflicted about wanting loud support but knowing that it's not appropriate all the time (except, I guess, if you're Michael Phelps' mother - remember how much attention she got for going wild at his previous Olympic swim performances? She got a lot of international attention for her screaming, facial expressions, etc, but most people gave her a pass because, after all, he was setting world records).

Maybe you could talk with her during a quiet moment. Don't ask too many questions, but tell her that you perhaps feel that you're kind of drowning out the other parents, or drawing too much attention to yourselves and to her. Ask her if it would be ok if you attended, and that you fully support her athletic endeavors, but the point of being on a team is to contribute to the team, or to play the sport as well as one can, not to have the most ostentatious parental cheering section. Ask her if you can try a slightly less noticeable attendance at her games for a while. Make it about you, not her, and maybe she'll open up. Then make sure you keep a lower profile at the game, kind of blending in with the other parents, not being front and center, and give her appropriate encouragement afterwards. That just might be in line with what she's thinking through in her head.

I agree with Suz. My kids all play sports. I go to their games because I enjoy watching them play, talking to other parents, etc. I sit where I want. I don't stand out in the crowd. They know I'm there because they look for me when they're on the bench but other than that, they wouldn't really know if I were there or not. You catered to her wishes before and now that that has changed, I would gently assert that as a parent, you will or won't go to a game as you choose and as your schedule permits. You don't need her permission to be there but you are happy to blend in now if she no longer wants you to be front and center and yelling the loudest.

FWIW the only times my kids request that someone not go to a game is when their dad goes and criticizes them after. Sometimes he'll show up anyway but they refuse to drive home with him because they don't want to hear any feedback after a game, so they ride home with me (if I can go). Just make sure that there isn't a feedback process happening that shouldn't be - her coach's job is to coach, and a parent's job is to cheer.

If a part of you feels she might just want some non-parent time with her friends, what is the harm in that?

This is SUCH a small potatoes thing. It's not like she's got a secret boyfriend or is sneaking off to do drugs... she just wants to have her own life, a little bit, maybe. This would be an easy 'yes' for me. Not always, but sometimes... I'd still want to see my kid compete, and would likely disappear into the crowd sometimes, but a few games without me? Not the end of the world.

Sorry if I don't take this as seriously as some are, but really--- this is one of those 'not a big deal' things. This isn't the event to make everyone determined to help her 'overcome nervousness'.... this is a time to listen, take a step back, and ask yourself if this is going to matter in 5 years.

My kids have never wanted us to be the loudest or to sit front and center at their events - just happy we're there. I know in 7th grade though, they wouldn't have appreciated us standing out from the crowd, because that would make them - stand out from the crowd, which is not always appreciated. Fitting in is more the norm.

Is she a one extreme or the other kind of kid? I have one like that. And he's highly emotional. I have learned not to question why his moods/likes/interests change and just go with the flow. Easiest.

And what I have found is - if I question him about it, he will not talk about it. A week or two later, if I've given him space, he comes to me and opens up. I just have to wait for it. It's never anything major. He's just a teenager.

So if it were me - I'd say "Ok hon, we won't go to a few but if you change your mind just let me know. We enjoy watching you play." kind of thing. Keep door open for her to talk to you.

ETA: Thought about it some more. My kids don't actually dictate what we do - I was answering more on how I deal with my kid's changes of heart. But if my kids said don't come to a game, I'd be thinking - I'll go, and you get over it. I just wouldn't cheer as loudly.

It's just one middle school sports game. Why do you feel you should go if she asked you not to? Your daughter is likely just hitting that developmental age that just your presence around her peers is embarrassing. If you're always sitting front and center and cheering the loudest, I can see how that may have been really fun for her when she was younger, but suddenly it is just not cool. I don't think you need to try to "get to the bottom" of anything, just say OK and skip this game. 7th grade is a really tough year, maybe she is just a little stressed out and needs some space. Maybe skip another game or two. Then ask gently if she would mind you coming sitting more quietly in the background so you don't make her as nervous. Tell her you miss watching her play. See what happens.

I think maybe her demanding that you be up front and loudest has earned her some negative feedback - either from her friends or her coach or both.
Certainly go to the games - but not right up front and no louder than the rest of the crowd.
Time to blend in a bit and meet her after the game when she needs a ride home.

It's a public game - anyone can go be a spectator and she doesn't get to dictate who attends - just don't make a spectacle of yourself (even if it was her idea originally).

I'm not sure what you think is going on when you say you're not buying it because this absolutely sounds like typical 7th grade girl behavior. I hated junior high! I felt like the world was watching me and judging me. I was always upset about something, and almost everything my parents did embarrassed me.

I think you need to be respectful of her wishes. If she doesn't want you to go to her game, respect that. That is a reasonable request. She probably just needs you to back off a little. I'd be willing to bet that her friends started to notice you cheering and it embarrassed her. She might have asked for it originally, but now it's a source of stress for her. I doubt that she really wants you to not come to her game. She will probably decide that she wants you to come to her games, but she wants you to blend in with the crowd a little more.

Keep in mind reasonable requests and inappropriate requests. It's fine that she's feeling self conscious and wants some space. It's not reasonable to tell you to sit in the front and cheer the loudest. I think if one of my boys would have made that request I would have said that we were very proud of him but that we weren't going to try to be the center of attention.

We should always respect our children's wishes as long as they are reasonable and healthy. When their requests are not reasonable or healthy, we need to discuss with them why and what might be more reasonable.

Unless you have good reason to suspect that she's trying to pull a fast one on you (and do something you wouldn't approve of), I think you need to respect her wishes.

I think you should support your daughter - by NOT going.

She asked you not to go to an event which probably has plenty of other "chaperons", so there's no safety issue.

And it's not about "overcoming nervousness in life" (whatever that means) - "nervous" was the polite word that her 7th grade brain came up with...as other posts say below, she probably meant something different.

So why in the world would you go? If she "just wants some non-parent time with her friends", let her have it.

And if, after a few missed games, you miss that quality time with her, have that conversation with her in a nice way.

Remember that she is not getting younger. She is getting closer to becoming an independent adult. And for every time you force your way into her "space" now, she might push you away twice as hard ten years from now when she is on her own.

ETA: Of course you are the parent and she cannot "tell you what to do". But as Gidget says above, I just think this is one time when you can respect her wishes. Also, as Michelle says above, I bet she will miss you when you are not there!

If you are front and center being loud then her team mates probably said something about it and now she feels singled out. Sit in the back and keep your mouths shut. Watching your kids do things is something that should be about the kids and not about us. As she grows older you need to step back and watch from the sidelines as she becomes the person she's going to be.

My guess is that she's gotten some peer pressure because it's just "not cool" to have one's parents around. Kids are getting more independent and starting to separate from their parents, and they put distance there to push themselves towards greater separation.

It's also possible that she feels self-conscious about having wanted you there all along. She may be getting some push-back from her friends, who feel she's been too dependent on you as her cheerleaders. It's also possible that she's been teased about having the loudest parents always taking the front row seats. I know she asked you to do it, but as she transitions from girl to teen, she may be pressured to say that her parents are nerdy (like all kids say their parents are). She'd be unlikely to tell you that a friend or two told her that her parents are weird, so she says it makes her nervous. Or, maybe she's half-truthful there, but it's making her nervous to worry that she'll be teased for her cheering parents.

Give her some space. Make sure you know where she's going after the games and with whom, but do back off a bit unless you see serious signs of something else.

She is getting to that self conscious age where everything is a big deal. It could have been just one random comment, "wow your parents are loud," and to her that was the end of the world. I would ask her how she would feel if you mixed in with the crowd and didn't yell so loudly. Middle school is difficult enough, without the added pressures at extracurricular activities. My guess is, one game without you, and you will be missed.

Generally, we always tried to go to all of our children's sporting events (and other extracurricular events) that we were able to attend. However, we never made any particular effort to sit front and center and yell the loudest. Our kids didn't care for that sort of support (parents yelling loudly in the stands). We cheered and clapped, along with others in the crowds, as was appropriate.

If my child suggested we didn't need to come, I would assure him/her that we wanted to be there. That we'd keep a low profile if that was what they preferred. Or if they wanted to hang with friends before/after we could work out how to accomplish that. BUT, you have a different thing going on with your child. Your child has apparently always wanted your very apparent audio/visual support at her games. And suddenly she doesn't. That's a red flag that something is amiss.
But, before you jump to terrible assumptions, consider that maybe she has a crush on someone and is embarrassed to flirt in front of you. Or she might be performing less than what she should be (or expects of herself) and doesn't want to hear criticism from you (*should* she expect to hear criticism from you?). There could be any number of reasons why she suddenly doesn't want you there. But you won't find the answer here in this forum. You'll have to talk to your daughter. And feel things out with other parents, maybe the coach, too.
Maybe at her age, she is finding that having yelling, loud, supportive parents in the front row is less desirable than it used to be. Maybe if you sat in a more inconspicuous place, and were more subdued.. ? Ask her. And don't let it hurt your feelings. Maybe she has been teased by other players, and she doesn't want to say anything. For some kids, (not all, but most, really) having parents draw any attention at functions like that can be really embarrassing. Whether you are actually doing anything embarrassing or not. We aren't there, so we can't comment or make a judgment about that... but, as a more quiet type, I can tell you, that parents who are loud and boisterous as certain events do get commented about. Even if not mean spirited, it is NOTICEABLE. And to some teens, at some ages/stages, parents being notices is the WORST. ;)

Just talk to her. It could be something bad. (probably not, though) Tone things down, and see if she is more comfortable that way.

Nervous may be how she feels, or annoyed or embarrassed. Nervous may be the most polite word she could think of that was still honest.

Why don't you give her a break and allow her to play without you watching a few times? I'm sure she will miss not having you at her games.

I've changed my answer.

I would wonder too. I would tell her you're concerned because this is a sudden change. That you'd be less concerned if she could help you understand. I would tell her it's OK for you to not go. Perhaps suggest that you like watching the games if that's true. Ask to blend in with the crowd.

It's true teens start wanting more independence. Communication during this transition becomes more important. Discussing a radical change like this is important. Talking about more minor issues starts a pattern of talking about things.

I wonder about her getting a ride home. My granddaughter is 16 and I still monitor rides. She doesn't mind. I want to be sure the driver is a safe driver. She mostly takes the bus or walks in a group now. In the 7th grade, I picked her up if she didn't get a ride with another parent.

In 7th grade they often start to not want you around all the time. You don't need to delve too deeply into this.

Maybe you can skip a game or two if she requests it? What's wrong with non-parent time with her friends?

And I agree that the time has probably come for you to stop being the "loudest" parents at the game. I know this will probably sound offensive to you, but have you ever been to a game and listened to that non-stop, loud parent? It's kind of annoying. You will understand that when you aren't the loudest ones there.

And BTW, I used to loudly "cheer on" my kids until they requested that I stop it.

I think someone said something and she got embarrassed. Elena B. has some great advice below.

i would go and lay low, kinda hide in the crowd. nither of my parents made it to many of my games, and nearly none once i started driving. to this day i am upset abou tit, they didn't miss any of my brothers home games. i wish they could of been to more than they did.

hhhmm....my kids just want us there.

I would say this is a teenage thing and you are now entering the "stupid" phase of your daughter's life. It happens to all of us at some point.

I'd go to her games and sit where "I" want to sit. Tell her it's your choice to attend her sporting events. That is what is fun for you. If it's not fun for you then why do it at all?

I would ask her if someone said something to her. We always went to our kids stuff. I tried to behave. =)

I guess I would say "I enjoy supporting you and I would like to continue. I will make sure I am not visible and I won't let you know I'm there".

Or something along those lines.

I would go and lay low, and I would continue to try to get to the truth of why she does not want you there. IF she truly does not want you there then she needs to be honest about her reasons.

Do the other parents typically go? If yes, then I would wonder why the change. If No, then maybe back off a bit.

there's a reason why she is saying this so I would hope if you don't quiz her she'll eventually fess up. Also, I would continue to go to the games (to see my child and monitor what goes on) but I would sit up high in the bleachers and be quiet. No yelling. Just watch.

Updated

there's a reason why she is saying this so I would hope if you don't quiz her she'll eventually fess up. Also, I would continue to go to the games (to see my child and monitor what goes on) but I would sit up high in the bleachers and be quiet. No yelling. Just watch.

I have 2 girls, now 17 and 21. They both played school sports, participated in many extra curricular activities and we were ALWAYS there. They did not have the option. I explained very clearly something like this...."We ONLY have about 12 years of this, and we were not missing a moment of it. We love you and we will support you in everything that you do. if you are nervous, GREAT, that is a wonderful skill for you to learn how to overcome. If you are embarrassed because your parents are around, GREAT, that is a wonderful learning experience to deal with. If you think your friends will think it's weird, GREAT, then you will learn how what other people think doesn't really matter. And if you ever tell us not to come, we will show up with your school colours dyed in our hair and our faces painted like your mascot...because, my darling, we love you and we are here for you every step of the way."

Both girls rolled their eyes, tried to argue, but in the end, we all won because we were there when they won and more importantly when they lost and couldn't break down in front of their friends...that is what parents do.

PS: we don't lay low, I have a VERY loud whistle and everyone can hear it. My daughters always knew we were there and ALWAYS could count on us... there was no other kid on their teams that could say that. And THAT will stick with them a lot longer. :)

When our son hit the double digits, he began to want a diminishing amount of time with his parents each year. Not that he didn't love us (which he admitted to me when he wasn't being totally a pre-teen), but because, as he said: Mom, a man needs his privacy.

I think your girl wants to be a grown up. And, that's not only perfectly natural, but necessary.

A book which helped me: "I'd Listen to My Parents if They Would Just Shut Up."