Shy Teenager

Do you know for certain that that's why she cries at night?
Maybe there's something other than, or in addition to, shyness.
Did she have friends when she was younger?
Did she just start high school?
I mean, was she in junior high school last June?
Does she feel she can tell you anything and that you'll listen openly?

encourage her to get involved with clubs and activities... a church youth group, or a craft sewing class, jewelry making, book club or writers group and barnes and noble. tae kwon do, dance, even if it is something away from school, it can help her confidence. encourage her to volunteer at an animal shelter or nursing home, or red cross. take her and get her a little makeover, some simple hair and make-up and a new outfit. these things can help her boost her confidence, and can also help her learn how to talk to people and interact and feel valued.

i was a cheerleader and pretty popular and so was my sis... she was even homecoming queen, but we really didn't' have any real friends and I was stressed out every day at lunch who I would sit with... sometimes I went and ate lunch in my teachers room or alone in the hallways. it's rough and kids can be mean. help instill confidence in her, let her know that while high school can be brutal, once you enter college you can really put things aside and labels don't apply as much.

I agree with the other posts about encouraging her to find like minded people...choir, band, orchestra, chess, library club. Maybe even enroll her in an after-school activity or class at a recreation center, or some kind of volunteer work in an area that sparks her interest (hospital, public library, nursing home, elementary school...). If you don't think she's too old for it, you could help her figure out how to respond or innitiate conversations through role-play. Fitting in at that age can be so hard, but if you can steer her in the right direction, she'll learn that she has the tools to do it. She just needs some confidence.

I would never become a teenager again, not if you paid me a million gazillion dollars. Never. NEVER. (Did I mention "never"?)

Teens are so sensitive about everything, but they don't realize that part of it is their stage of growing and not something irrevocably wrong with them and the world.

What does your daughter like to do, in school or out of it? If there's something she likes and is good at, encourage her to get more involved in it. If it can apply to a school activity - such as her love for small children leading to joining a future teachers' club, her love of reading to helping in the library, or her work in piano to accompanying the choir - encourage her to join. It's worthwhile to try out activities, because they can turn out to be interesting even if the people aren't. It may take courage for her to join an activity, but courage is what it's all about.

Another thing she can do, which also takes courage, is not to wait for people to be friendly to her. She can smile and say hello to everyone... (keep on because this next is important) ... not expecting ANY response from anyone but doing it anyway. It's good practice for the grownup world, and lots of kids are hesitant to do it - they hope somebody will notice them first.

I was in high school back when dinosaurs were roaming the earth, but I was very shy, and I clearly remember obsessing (that has to be the word) about what other people thought of me. I had no idea they were worrying, too - I thought I was the only person who didn't have my act together. I was always better when I was BUSY and didn't have time to think about myself.

P.S. Just read the other answers! Mamapedia gals are the greatest! Momma L.'s post moved me to tears.

She needs to find a group of kids with whom she's got something in common. Does she play an instrument? The band kids are the most welcoming. Even if she doesn't, they are the most approachable group. All she has to do is walk up to one of them and tell them her name. They love to chat and will probably spend the whole year including her in things (in the hopes that she will join Marching Band next fall). :-)
Is there something she enjoys? Reading - spend time in the library. The Librarians are very welcoming and will help her find a friend who enjoys reading.
Is there someone in one of her classes that is approachable that is in her same lunch period? She should just ask them if she can join them... Most kids are pretty nice and will say "sure".
LBC

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but the fact you said she cries every night and is in general not like a typical teenager (which is great in some aspects I'm sure, but maybe she is also not as happy-go-lucky as most other teens, which is not so good?) makes me want to suggest to you that she may be suffering from extreme anxiety, which is a form of depression. I don't want to sound alarmist, but she may need professional help with a therapist to learn how to cope with the world and her comfort in it. My mother ran anxious and one of my sisters and I do too. Your daughter could just be on the extremely sensitive side of the scale of human sensitivity and instead of toughing it out for years by herself (through her shyness) you might want to get her some help and a place to go to to process some external stressors in her life. I wish I had done that as a freshman in college instead of crying it out by myself.

Dear R., this is such a re-occuring theme here on Mamapedia. so many of our children are going through similar experiences and it is painful as the Mom to feel helpless as we watch our babies suffer. I've said this before (and it has really helped my daughter, especially). Go to the bookstore or the library with your daughter and do some research. there are hundreds of books out there (have her look them up on-line even) about fitting-in, overcoming shyness, getting along w/others, being a good friend, etc. And your daughter is big enough to read some of this material on her own. she probably just needs a couple of tips on how to start conversations and how to make the first move. She sounds like a lovely girl and is fortunate to have a mom who cares so much. God Bless.

I am not the kind of person who has a lot of friends, it bothered me when I was younger and it still does. I wouldn't call myself a loner or shy, it's just hard for me to trust and get close to people. Now that I have an autistic child that doesn't help for people to relate to me.

Not everyone is going to be a social butterfly or like being a loner, just be supportive of her. I agree with trying activities that she likes, we are doing that for my oldest.

I have a 15 year old, diagnosed as selective mute - basically a severe form of social anxiety. We've done everything, meds and therapy. We've changed meds many times, and we seem to be on the right track now. She still doesn't have any close friends, but it seems she does associate with some. She has even been invited to a party this coming weekend.

We stopped therapy, because she told the therapist that she's happy with who she is now. The meds have decreased alot of the anxiety, which causes the depression. She will now be a social butterfly, but she is happy with who she is.

You might want to look into professional help. We thought my daughter was shy also. She had a few friends in highschool and was a great student. When she went to college she did not make any friends and became very depressed. She started seeing a psychologist and we found out she has Social anxiety disorder. She has been sucidal and cuts herself to deal with the anxiety. I am not telling you this to scare you. I just wish someone would have told me. The doctors all say it would have been easier if we had gotten her help sooner but we just didn't know.
Best of luck to you and your daughter I know it is hard seeing your daughter in so much pain.

I know this is painful for you too since we love our children so much and don't want to see them hurting. Check over the school's listing of groups and maybe she would consider joining one. Many high schools have small devotional groups that get together for fellowship with each other and study time. I hope she finds something to join where she can make friends to keep her company.

My son is 17 and considered a "nerd" and my daughter is 14 years old - so I can relate. You don't say how old your son is, but can't she join in with his friends? My daughter does that often. She's too mature for most kids her own age so she'd rather be with a group of older kids. My son has not yet had a girlfriend but is friends with quite a few girls - they find him easy to talk to. So my daughter got introduced to them too and they all get on well together. Also bear in mind that hormones at this age play havoc with even the most beautiful, cleverest and most well-balanced child! Keep listening to her and trust that (like the "terrible 2s") "this too shall pass"! Good luck!! :)

A lot of teens can not speak their feelings. When she seems to be feeling very well I suggest you ask her to write down her true feelings. She may pour out her feelings in this manner. Then you may have some idea as what a professional, minister, might be able to do to help her.

Good luck = God Bless