Sibling Rivalry

D.
for some reason your 12 yr old thinks its ok to act like that. my parents let me and my bro fight it out all the time. now i have four boys and they are not allowed to treat each other with disrespect...they know the rules and they must adhere to them. period! and you teach it daily...or they suffer the punishment. they are not allowed to belittle, talk down to, speak ill-will, fight, act snotty, etc...they are brothers, best of friends and nothing else is acceptable. its all about the tone you set with them...what you will or will not accept! there are consequences for our words and actions...when they learn this at a young age...it helps them cope with life and situations with others! i have 13yr old twins...11 yr old and 6yr old...all ranges...they have to love and respect one another or their butts would not like the consequences...bad attitudes are not acceptable! period....and not loving your brother is not acceptable...you dont have to hang out 24/7...but you must "respect" each other and learn to communicate....or take issues to mom/dad and they will help..but no bickering and whinning and fighting. boys will be boys....but its the underlining heart and attitude that you have to train! or this world will train them..the wrong way! hope that helps! i know it has with my five!

I am having the same problem as well. My 4 yr old is always trying to verbally discipline my 18 mnth old daughter. He tells me that he can't wait to grow up and become the parent so he tell her and us what to do :). He uses the same tones of voice with her that we use with him. If she runs off and I holler at her to stop he says "I'll get her, I have everything under control, you just wait right there". LOL I think part of it is that the oldest feels some need to parent the younger ones. We do encourage him to help so that he isn't left out, so it only stands to reason that he feels he should be able to discipline her too. I also think you nailed it on the head when you said some of this is coming from your own actions as parents. I notice the same thing and feel guilty when I see him talking to his sister the same way we talk to him. I try to become more positive, but it is so difficult when you get so frustrated sometimes. I guess it's all apart of kids growing up with siblings and us growing as parents :).

I would highly recommend reading the following book(s) - they are available in most libraries - I guarantee once you read them you will want to buy a copy however. Both are by Adele Faber. I even got one on CD from the library so my hubby would actually read it as well! HTH:

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-T...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

My kids are 10 and 12, my daughter is the older. Some say that they likely get along better because they're not of the same sex, but believe me, they can fight and so could me and my brother.

A funny thing happened on Sunday. I was lying in bed all day with a 103 fever ~~ really, really sick. My kids were playing all day in the rest of the house. They did not even bicker ... not one time all day. There was laughter, belly laughter and all around good fun. My daughter made both lunch and dinner, and taught her brother how to make macaraoni and cheese ~~ to much laughter.

I began to think ... is the sibling thing an attempt to get our attention? And I have vowed that from this point forward, I will remind them how capable they are of getting along and stay out of it as much as humanly possible.

I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know we are in a very similar situation. I am constantly telling my oldest that is not a 3rd parent. It drives me crazy sometimes!!

I also have 3 boys, ages 11, 6 & 4.

I honestly think people these days over analyze parenting. Ask yourself, what would your parents have done? I grew up with 2 sisters and we made fighting an art. My mom would tell us “If you can’t play nice then you don’t play at all” and off to our room we went until we could act like the civilized girls she knew and raised. Oh and why 1, 2 or all of us were in our room she made it so much fun out side in the living room or out side making myself and my sisters wish we could get out. Now I have a 15 year old son and a 17 year old daughter, 2- 4year old twin step-children and a 5 year old niece… I apply the same rule to them as my mother did to us and guess what?? IT WORKS… My daughter threw a fit at a food place because it wasn’t what she wanted to eat… I threw her keys to the car and told her that she is to go sit there until WE were done; she wasn’t going to spoil it for everyone. She went to the car and 10 minutes later she came back with a totally different attitude. Same thing with Screaming kids (We all know the ones.) put them on a stair or on their bedrooms or in a different room and tell them flat out that it is unacceptable behavior and until they are done they can not come and enjoy the time with the rest of the family. Watch it will take them longer the first time but after they realize you are not going to bend they dry up and come out because they want to have fun. Notice there is no hitting, spanking, screaming going on to accomplish the end result. Main thing is to be consistent.

Hi D., your house sounds exactly like ours! It's good to hear of others having the same problem. We have a 12 year old and a 9 year old, both boys. They are totally different and our oldest sounds just like yours. I havent read all the responses that you got yet, but let me know if you find any that work for you.

Hi D.,

I have three boys also and they do fight at times. May be you can handle one thing at a time -- ask your oldest One thing that he can do to help him become the better BIG Brother -- or discuss one incentive for him privately so he knows -- his good beahvior has + results. I also tell my kids , remind them all the time, that three of them need to help each other, and when Mom and dad are old and gone -- they have to be together for each other. They see that I and my brother talk all the time and we try to meet up with each other at least twice a year since he lives in Illinois. They love my brother's children -- so I tell them that Look-- if I fought with my brother, you can't have all the fun that you have now -- would you like that?
I also made a shoe box in a comment box -- if someone does something very good or bad -- you can write and put it in there and then we will read them together. It is important to acknolege if your family has done something to make you happy -- so write if your brother has helped you .. and that has helped.
I hope you get more ideas from other moms on the board .. and hopefully things will be better soon.
Oh, after reading other advices -- I remember something .. my eldest also tries to be parent and sometimes my twins try to be each other parents also .. LOL .. so since I always have the wonderful Laundry .. I tell them .. Good, you want to take mom's job -- go right ahead and do the laundry also .. that has worked very well. In good times, I remind them often -- Mom is the Boss and we are the family so we are here to help and love each other. When one tries to get in another person's stuff/toys (one of my twins just love to see/break his brother's things -- By mistake of course), and other child is upset -- I do yell at my younger one but also remind my older one that He is the big brother and How he has gotten into my things and I was patient with him so he needs to be patient with his youger brothers also.
Also, if helps Rotate Chores Or let them pick it. I tell them -- pick Fold laundry or vaccum, empty dishwasher or clean up the tables. They gripe, make faces .. but I tell them that tomorrow you may not have any food if I show the same attitude as you are showing now. Also .. you may have to wear the stinky clothes or go naked -- if I gripe about work. Generally that has worked.
I sometimes think of the Motto -- Parenting three children is more difficult than mountain climbing. LOL ..

It is very hard, at least we can share our frustation .. LOL..
Take care

When you find a cure let me know. I also have three children. My oldest is a boy(9), my middle is a girl(7), and my little one is a boy(4). In my case, it is also my oldest who is very mean to my daughter. They never get along. It makes me really sad and angry to watch.

FYI....we have a very normal family. I am 36 years old, have been married for 11 years, and am a stay at home mom.

Hi D.,

I read your responses hoping to find the answers as well! Sorry to say but I have NO IDEA how to stop it! I have three children: 13 yr old girl, 10 yr old boy and 6 yr old boy. They fight like cats and dogs! It's unreal! I remember fighting with my sisters some, but we played together more than we fought...I think :)

My daughter is the "Bossy" one always telling the others what to do, how to and when to do it! The middle one is just mean! to both and LOVES to aggrevaite and the youngest (we still call him the "baby"...lol, I know we should stop that) just loves getting into the others things and is fighting for attention more than anything I think...

Recently I have made the decision that the two older ones have to spend 1 hour a day "playing" with or spending time with the youngest...my daughter has chosen to read books to him, she loves to read and they go into her room, lay on the bed and kinda snuggle together...this has helped her with the need to "parent" him and he really enjoys it!

The 10 yr old has decided he will teach the 6 yr old how to play Football and they have been playing fairly nicely together in the backyard.

This has eleviated some of the bickering, but when it comes to the car, chores and lots of other things...the fighting goes on.....

What to DO??? I don't know short of duck taping there mouths shut! LOL! Just kidding!

Please let me know if someone puts up a great problem solver!
Good Luck!

Hello D.,

I am a mother of 3 as well. Ages 7,5 and 2.

All of my kids are WONDERFUL CHILDREN. My son that is 5 has started about 3 months ago show signs of getting upset at his baby brother that is 2. I know that he is trying so hard not to get upset because i have made it clear in our family that GOD IS FIRST THEN FAMILY AND THAT I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANYONE IN OUR FAMILY MISTREATING ONE ANOTHER.

I think that the problem is that there is a 3 year difference between my boys. My 2 year old does enjoy playing with my 5 year old and with the 5 year olds (((BIG BOY TOYS))). FUN FUN FUN..

But my 5 year old does not want to have the 2 year old playing with his COOL toys and break them.

With the age group it is just hard for them to play together sometimes with toys that they both like...

As the mother it is very important to let all of the children know that they need to always love & respect & take great care of each other and their things. " WE ARE FAMILY AND FAMILY NEEDS TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, ALWAYS!
I tell them that they have no choice. I want to see RESPECT for each other and lots of LOVE.

I hope that you and your family can find peace in the house.
God Bless you all.

From one mother to another.