My girls are 2 3/4 and 4 1/2. For about the last two or four months, the rivalry between them has soared. If they are not hitting each other, they are teasing, taking things and running from each other, sitting on each other, kicking each other, pushing, I could just go on and on. I am trying not to single one out and let them know that I expect them to be kind to each other. I use time outs, I try to separate them. I am looking for ideas that have worked for other moms. At times they are so sweet and loving with each other and helpful, but at other times just total antagonists to each other. Any suggestions are welcome.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It was very helpful. I am staying much closer and intervening everytime ( I think anyway). I am really using the talking about how special sisters are and how important it is to be kind to each other. I am still using occasional timeouts and taking objects that are the source of the argument. The less reactive I am to the situation, the more they tend to work it out and laugh with each other. I am helping them to come up with solutions together. So much more time involved right now, but I feel it is working and also teaching future life skills, which is our goal right?
Anyway, I really value other mom's experience and have the siblings without rivalry as well, which I will read soon. Thanks again to all who responded
I don't have as much personal experience in this since I only have one child, but for moderating issues between children I've really loved the advice in the book, "Siblings Without Rivalry". See http://www.fabermazlish.com/
Unfortunately, children are bound to fight when they spend 24/7 together. The only thing you can do is punish both of them for this behavior. Don't interview and try to figure out who started it. Both of them need to be in time out every time there is a conflict of any kind.
Remind them that they are sisters and should be friendly and helpful to each other. Maybe if there is something they both want (swing set, playhouse, bicycles, etc.) you could chart out a specified number of days playing and being nice to one another to EARN the item(s). They will build an alliance of sorts by working together toward a common goal. Once they earn it, if they begin fighting again, ground them from the item.
Also, you probably need to get them into playgroups with children their own age or put your 4yo into a half day preschool group. They just need time apart to do their own thing every now and then.
Hi K.,
I've heard siblings do this, but my boys never did. I guess we were all lucky???
It sounds like maybe you are waiting too long to intervene. Because this problem has escalated, you should really stay close to your girls and keep your focus on their relationship. They can only use their emotions to communicate, because they don't know how to put their emotions into words yet (well, at least your 2yr old).
Your girls have to be taught the "proper words" to say to eachother in difficult situations. This teaches them a life lesson of how to use their words in school, too.
If you are monitoring them, then you can hear how the rumbles start. This gives you the info you need to make your girls say sorry to eachother, no matter who started it.
Simply stay within an "eye's" reach of them for awhile until this slows down. This way you can say things like, "Honey, is that a nice thing to say to your sister?" or "Mommy heard that, sweetheart, please use nice words".
Just always keep it positive in your voice, and they should keep their playing positive. The trick is to catch the problems before the begin :o)
I hope that all makes sense. I would give it a try. We all want our kids to be close, and yours are at such a close age, it would be nice if they could learn to get along while their young. They'll have plenty of time for fights and arguments when they are teenagers :O)
~N. :o)
We have 5 kids 7, 6, 3, 19 months and 7 weeks. Spats are part of having multiple children but that doesn't make them acceptable. Lay down some rules and consequences and then enforce then EVERY time. We have found that for time-outs to be effective they need to be long and boring, one minute per year isn't long enough. Our 3 year old needs at least 5 minutes and the oldest two at least 10-15 minutes. We also utilize do-overs when something is said unkindly. Our oldest two must not only say it kindly but with a pleasant look on their face and in a nice tone. No sulking while saying please will work. I encourage my kids to use words to work things out on their own but I often have to help my 3 yearold with what to say, he is so upset that he can't stop anf think so I will tell him exactly what to say ie. "That makes me mad when you take that away from me." "I'm not done yet. You can have it when I'm dobe." "I don't want to be the bad guy. That makes me sad. Can I be the other super-hero."
We also insist that everyone can play everywhere and very few things are exclusively owned by one of the kids.
H.
I had/have the same problems with my girls, who are 20 months apart in age. They are young adults now and to this day are either best friends, sitting with their heads together giggling, or worst enemies. There doesn't seem to be anything in between. When they were younger, and I had tired of time outs, taking away toys that were fought over, and taking away favored activities, when they were at their worst and I was at the end of my rope, I would make them sit facing each other with the tips of their noses touching for 5 minutes. They NEVER made it past a minute or two before they were giggling hysterically and friends again. Soon all it took was the threat of having to do that before they would take a step back and assess their behavior. They're now both in their 20's and STILL fight like cats every once in a while! (SIGH) I wish I could still make them sit with their noses touching! :)
Sorry to say, but with us it is a daily routine and my girls are now 8 1/2 and almost 7. They are very competitive in everything, I think some of it is a girl thing. We have tried numerous things, from taking a favorite toy (webkinz, America Girl Doll etc.) to putting them in their room, separating them usually works about the best. If it is a toy they are fighting over I just take it away if they can't figure out a way to share it. (We have tried the you play with it for 5 minutes and then she can play with it for 5 minutes only to hear, "why does SHE get to go first?") It is always something, lol.
A lot of time with our oldest it was when she came home from school and she was hungry and therefore grumpy too. My biggest suggestion is to make sure they have separate activities, make sure each of them gets alone time with you and just make sure they know you do not like their attitude - we endorse "The Golden Rule" around here - "Do unto others, as you would have them done to you." We are constantly asking "would you like someone to do that to you?"
I have also done the timeouts. If you can't play nice you sit there for 5 minutes and you over there for 5 minutes. Afterwards when they are calm, I tell them they can play together only if it is nicely - if they fight again, we'll do this again only I will double the time to 10 minutes and so on.
Just remember, this too shall pass!
Good Luck!!!
I would start by making it a house rule that physically hurting another person is not allowed and is unacceptable behavior. Time outs dont always work. You might try taking away a favorite toy or not letting them watch a favorite show until they can show you that they deserve it. As for taking things from each other. Let them know that is not sharing and if they can not share or be nice then the item that is not being shared gets put up for a while. They are both young however I do not think they are to young to learn to play nice together. As for teasing, talk to them about how teasing can hurt someones feelings and if they can not say something nice then they should say anything at all. when they start to tease each other have them sit down together and think of something nice about the other and then have them tell each other what that nice thing is that they thought of about the other. Also talk to them about being sisters and about how special it is to be sisters, that they will be sisters forever and that is a very special thing. That because they are sisters they should always try to be nice to each other and help each other when they can.
My son is 6 and my daughter is 4, one thing I realized is that my son is an introvert like his dad. What I mean is that while he can be happy in a group of people for most of the day, if he doesn't get some alone time, he tends to get either hyper or grumpy or unreasonable or some combo. He spends much of the day at school and in an afterschool childcare program. My daughter is like me, she prefers to be around other people, even if doing separate activities. Sometimes I need to intervene because they are fighting and don't really know why - but it is because big brother needs his alone time. Also, tempers get shorter if one/both is/are having a growth spurt, or a mild cold or flu, or new tooth, etc.
Some things I have done: Put one of my daughter's fave T.V. shows on, or give her an activity to do in the room that I am in (I'll fold laundry in her room while she plays dolls, or give her paints or playdoh while I am cooking). Take them outside if the weather cooperates, or find a joint activity that my son wants to do. Threaten to not let them play together (I have no idea why this works to stop them fighting but it often works!). When my hormones are are fluctuating, the hardest part for me is to stay calm and not get as emotional as they are.
