Terrible Twos, How Can I Manage

My son just truned two and he is the same way. i know that it is something that all 2yr olds do. i think the best thing to do is remove her from playing with them and let her see how much fun they are having. i would explain to the other kids that this is how they were and she doesnt understand.... have you tried putting the chair facing the wall and just stand there.

hope this works

My daughter is 3 and the tantrums have not stopped either. I did get a great peice of advice from a mother of four the other day I would like to share (I have just started it myself, and it seems to work) If you call them a terror - they will be. It's all in the attitude you show them. Kids are extrememly insighful, and feed off you feelings. Soo Instead of calling her a terror and getting stressed out during a tantrum - send her to her room by herself until she can come out and act like a big girl. Let her know that you are not angry at her. You just want to give her some time to think about the way she is acting. alone time for everyone does wonders! The naughty spot does not work for every child. Not mine anyway.

The most important thing to remember is consistency. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you follow through. In my childcare program and I recommend this to families, it works. If a child is yelling at another, I will approach and step between the two looking at the child being yelled at, ignoring the other child. I will walk that child away and talk softly to soothe the child being yelled at. I than will calmly say to the yeller, "you are yelling and it hurts our ears. I will let you yell but you will do it hear alone. When you are done, I will come back and bring Joey. We will talk than." I walk away. You have to have a safe spot. If it is the bedroom be prepared to keep the child in there. It will be difficult the first few times but if you are consistent and do not give in it won't take long. I gave this advice to another family and within 2 tries her child would calm within seconds. After the incident, have each child problem solve by talking to each other. You may have to put words to the youngest one. Each child should be able to say how they feel and help them to find a solution if they can't do it by themselves. Do not pass judgment on either or the choice they make to make it better. The Key is to not take sides. This will encourage sibling rivalry.

I read many of the other replies, so I can say I have to agree with most of 'em here. I have a 20 yr old, 18 yr old, 17 yr old, and an almost 2 yr old, myself, so I've been through it! My 18 year old was the WORST of them all, he hit terrible two like a brick in my face! Anyway, this is the age of testing and not listening, seeing how far they can go. They won't listen to reason, and the ONLY thing you can do is BE CONSISTENT in your response to the bad behavior. Eventually that consistency WILL pay off, though it's obviously not overnight. My now-18 year old drove me to the very brink of sanity, I swear! Keep putting him in the time out, and telling him why... when he gets up on his own and it's not "time" to yet, just put his butt right back into that time out chair, and appear calm, and just say again why he's going back there. You'll get further trying to reason with the almost 4 year old: tell him "WE" need to help your little brother get over this stage, so please help me by not screaming at him when he does it. If he sees you screaming he will want to copy you ,and you don't want that, right? We can teach him by acting in the way we want him to act, and he will grow up and copy us staying calm and nice..." Good luck, this is a time when patience is a virtue!!! :)

Hi, my children had this same problem also due to the fact that my oldest, who has autism, didnt understand pain tolerance or that his behavior could hurt his siblings. He's 4 also. His behavioral specialist began to read him books on emotions and ask him questions about proper behavior and how the situations in the books made him feel. He was also given a "good behavior" chart and a reward system. The time outs never worked with him either, but this approach did within a little over a week.

My son just turned two and is testing his boundaries big time. I had the same problem with the time out chair. I just put him in a room by himself for 3 minutes and let him cry. When he comes out, I explain why he was in there, make him apologize and give him a hug. It's really been working.

Toddler Tamers
Practical discipline tactics for the Terrible Twos

Toddler discipline seems almost an oxymoron to any mom who's tried to exert even minimal control over her tantruming 2-year-old. But even at this nonverbal stage, a child can easily distinguish between a parent's pleasure and displeasure. When she learns not to touch the stove, it's because she's afraid of losing your love -- not because she understands she'll get burned (she won't understand cause and effect until age 5 or 6) -- but that's all you need to lay the groundwork for discipline. Once you've childproofed your home from top to bottom and set a few simple rules, follow these techniques to stem the tide of your toddler's bad behavior:

Little scribblers
Does your child love to draw on the walls? Give her another choice. You can say, "No, we don't draw on the walls. But here's some paper you can write on." If she's unhappy with the suggestion, distract her with something else: A look at a board book and a quick snuggle can do the trick.

Meltdown defusion
How to show her you're in charge when she has a meltdown? Most experts agree that before age 2, a time-out isn't useful. But you might try the "lap hold," a modified version of it. Just sitting with your child in your arms for a few moments can often defuse an out-of-control situation.

Helpful concessions
Toddlers crave control, and if you give them a little, they tend to be happier. So let your child make decisions over such unimportant matters as what to wear or what she wants for breakfast (but you do need to stand your ground when it comes to making her sit in her car seat or get her shots.).

The magic word
Save the word "no" for when it's really necessary -- when your toddler's about to bite his playmate, for instance. Otherwise, the more you use the word, the more you dilute its impact, making it more likely he won't listen to you.

Lots of lovin'
As important as the discipline itself is the notion of kissing and making up afterward, which tells her you still love her, even when you don't love her behavior. After you and your child have had it out, share a big hug before you move on.

Catch her being good
The most powerful form of discipline? Positive reinforcement -- and that goes for any age. The more positive attention you give your toddler, the fewer reasons she'll have to go after the negative kind. So every time she breaks a rule ("Don't dump Mommy's purse!"), offer an alternative ("Let's dump these blocks instead"); and counter every infraction ("We don't hit!") with encouragement ("You're petting the dog so gently").

Pacify public tantrums
Anyone who's taken a toddler anywhere knows that mortification waits around every corner. Meltdowns generally start around 18 months. Things to keep in mind:
Try to preempt common tantrum triggers (fatigue, hunger, boredom, frustration) by doing errands in the morning or after naptime, and bringing snacks and an unfamiliar toy.
If prevention fails, ignore the tantrum. Pretend the screaming doesn't upset, impress, or affect you, and he'll realize there's little point in continuing.
If all else fails, get out of there! Leave the grocery cart, grab your child, and head for your car. His meltdown may simply be a plea for a hug or some undivided attention, so give him both when he's calmed down.
-- Abby Margolis Newman

More on this topic:
►What Makes a Toddler Tick - www.parenting.com

Also, I think that my last response was not directly related to sibling rivaly, which is what your claim seems to sound like. I hope this helps!

Peace At Last!
3 simple rules for ending sibling fights (without you getting in the middle)
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By Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.
True story: When my kids were growing up, there was a TV in the sitting area that was an extension of our kitchen. On Saturdays, Nick and Margaret were allowed to watch cartoons for a few hours after they woke up. Two kids, one TV. My memory is that only once did I have to intervene in an argument over the television. Somehow, every Saturday morning Nick and Margaret worked out on their own — peacefully — what they'd watch.

Try this one. The summer that Margaret was 5 and Nick was 7, we decided to take a seven-week family vacation driving in a station wagon around the West, camping or staying in motels, all four of us in one room.

Did I mention that the car had no air-conditioning? At one point, seeing Nick lying asleep in the back, little beads of sweat all over his pink face, I thought we'd roasted him. Seven weeks in a station wagon.

We had a great time. Nick and Margaret were easy. There was arguing, but the most serious and frequent culprits weren't the children — it was the grown-ups.

It's not that my kids never bickered. They did. What they didn't do was bombard their mom and me with constant complaining: "Nicky kicked my sticker album." "I did not, she put it down right where I was sitting." "I did not. Besides, he's not the boss of me." "Mom, she's lying." "Dad, he's going to hit me." You know, the stomach-tightening Oh, no, here they go again type of fighting that instantly replaces whatever peace you had at that moment with tension.

The secret? My wife, Mary Alice, and I had a plan that eliminated the number one cause of sibling rivalry: trying to get a parent on your side. For Nick and Margaret, the great parental courtroom, to which grievances are taken and where final judgment is made of who was right and who was wrong, was empty. The judge wasn't there.

Because of the close attachment kids have to their parents, just the presence of Mom or Dad during a fight automatically brings out in them a craving for as much parent as they can get. The moment an adult becomes part of the equation, any rational, interested-in-possibly-working-on-resolutions part of a child disappears, leaving in its stead the mindless, raving version whose only interest is getting all of Mom or Dad.

Nick and Margaret's quarrels focused on whatever they were disagreeing about: who was hogging too much of the seat, who got the slightly broken cookie, whose turn it was to use the red marker. Their fights were never about whose side their mom or I would be on. The constant sibling squabbling that can wear you down and drain any pleasure out of time spent with your children didn't exist for us.

And this meant that for the most part, being with Nick and Margaret was fun. Maybe this is a tribute to their personalities or maybe it's because of something Mary Alice and I did or didn't do as parents. But I think my kids were such a joy because of our system of dealing with rivalry — a system that boils down to three simple rules you can use with your own kids, starting right now, to help make parenting a true pleasure.

Rule #1: Keep Out Of It

Rule #1: Never intervene on one side or the other unless there's a possibility of harm.

By harm I mean injury — not minor pain. Let's say you're paying bills at the kitchen table when a high-pitched scream erupts from the next room. You stick your head in the doorway and find your 6-year-old son sitting on top of your 4-year-old daughter — the source of the screaming — and hitting her on the back. A typical reaction would be to single out your son and say, "Stop hitting your sister right this minute!"

In return you'll get: "But she messed up my cars and she was pinching me."

To which your daughter will retort: "I did not. He never lets me play with anything."

Followed by: "I do too, but you always mess up my stuff."

The statement "Stop hitting your sister!" adds nothing. Your son knows perfectly well that he's not supposed to hit. All it does is put you in the middle, a place you don't want to be because there's no escape.

To put Rule #1 into effect, you have to make a swift decision. Do you feel that your son could seriously hurt your daughter? If not, then the intervention is simple. Just say, "The two of you — stop it, now."

The squabbling may continue — often it will. If your son doesn't immediately comply and get off your daughter, simply repeat yourself — "The two of you, stop it!" — and lift him off. You'll have accomplished what's necessary: stopping the hitting without taking sides.

But let's say your daughter's picked up a solid metal fire truck and is about to give her brother a backhanded bash with it. Solid metal fire trucks can cause harm. They should not be used as weapons. It's for such situations that you want to reserve your sternest voice: "No. Put down the fire truck." Take it out of her hand if she doesn't let go of it right away.

Then say to her directly: "The fire truck could really hurt somebody. You cannot hit with it."

The message is basic: Harming others is never okay. There are no reasons that make it okay. It can never be allowed to happen.

Rule #2: Act Fast

Rule #2: Act fast (or not at all).

Imagine trying to pay bills with bickering like this going on:

"That's not the right way to do it."

"It is too."

"It's not. You're doing it wrong."

"I am not."

"You are too."

"Leave me alone."

"I'm just trying to help."

"Leave me alone."

"Here, let me show you how."

"Let go!"

Such a battle can go on forever. Pretty soon you won't be able to concentrate on what you're doing and you'll become increasingly irritated. By the time you speak up, it'll be because you're angry, and likely to scream something like "Stop it now! I am tired of the two of you fussing all the time. Can't you play together nicely for once? I am really sick of this. I mean it. I have had it with you two. I really have had it."

What's more, you'll have wasted a good ten minutes or more being angry and then trying to cool down.

The better way: Step in the moment you find yourself focusing on your kids' disagreement and not on what you're doing. Speak up before you have a chance to get mad. Say calmly:

"I'm working. If you can't play quietly, I don't want you together."

Repeat yourself if either child tries to engage you in her squabble with her sibling:

"But Gabriel isn't doing it right."

"If you can't play quietly, I don't want you two together. I'm trying to get some work done."

This isn't to say that whenever siblings start to bicker you should always say something. Sometimes it may not bother you, in which case it's best to leave well enough alone. (And sometimes, it's even a good idea to let a spat run its course.)

Rule #3: Tune Out

Rule #3: Don't listen to complaints — ever, except when there's a possibility of harm (see Rule #1).

This is a big one. The payoff is huge, and it totally changes the meaning and purpose of bickering between your kids, moving it in a direction that's healthy and useful. The technique can be boiled down to saying seven simple words: "I don't want to hear about it." As in:

"Mommy, Evan called me a swear."

"I don't want to hear about it."

"Daddy, Lydia's not giving me a turn."

"I don't want to hear about it."

"Mommy, Betsy pushed me."

"I don't want to hear about it."

"Daddy, Ezra drooled on purpose on my sweater."

"I don't want to hear about it."

The point, obviously, is that you will not get involved in their arguments. If this seems harsh, there are gentler ways to be supportive without entering into a dispute.

"Mommy, Evan called me a swear."

"Would you like a hug?"

"Daddy, Lydia's not giving me a turn."

"Boy, that must be frustrating."

"Mommy, Betsy pushed me."

"That must have been unpleasant."

"Daddy, Ezra drooled on purpose on my sweater."

"Oh. That sounds like a problem."

That is, I'm sympathetic, but whatever the problem, it's yours and not mine. You'll have to deal with it because I certainly won't. I'm gently, lovingly throwing it back at you.

Just be prepared: Hugs and sympathy really aren't what squabbling sibs are after, and they'll keep trying to get you to take sides.

"Mommy, Evan called me a swear."

"Would you like a hug?"

"But he called me a swear."

"Sure you don't want a hug?"

"You don't understand. He's not allowed to do that."

"Well, that sounds like a problem."

"You're not listening to me."

"Gosh, J.J., I don't know what to say." (This is a great phrase to have on hand.)

And then J.J. exits, returning to tackle the problem — or not — on his own. Which is exactly what you want.

Eliminating yourself from the sibling bickering equation will allow your kids to work out solutions on their own. When parents stay out of it, rivalry exists in its own separate realm as a problem between brother and sister, rather than being about something altogether different — getting as much of you as possible.

From "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!" by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. Copyright 2003 by Anthony E. Wolf. Published by Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Should you split them up?
There will be times when it's clear your dueling kids just aren't capable of ironing out their differences on their own. Then you have no choice: You'll need to separate them — temporarily, to give them a chance to cool down. The separation can take any form: one child in the kitchen, another in the family room. Both banished to their bedrooms. Each on opposite sides of a room. Don't worry about being fair — speed is your main aim. When should they be allowed back together? When you judge that they're calm enough to be trusted not to pick up the bickering where they left off. If you make the wrong call and the squabbling starts as soon as the kids get near each other, just split them up again. They'll get the message that this is standard policy, and, as a result, they'll begin to develop enough self-monitoring skills that you'll need to put them in their (separate) places less and less often.
The benefits of bickering
Not all fighting between brothers and sisters is bad. Of course, it's bad if someone gets hurt or if it intrudes on the peace of others (especially yours!). But there's an advantage to allowing a squabble to play itself out, at least some of the time: When kids fight their own battles, they get invaluable practice in dealing with disagreements. They learn how hard to push and when to back off, and they even develop strategies for compromise that they'll be able to use throughout their lives. Don't worry that by standing aside you're missing out on chances to help your children develop such characteristics as empathy and diplomacy. They'll draw on the knowledge and skills that spring from the love and attention you've given them since they were babies. Such skills have helped them deal with many of the trials and tribulations of day-to-day life already — especially not getting their way. Consider bickering one more golden opportunity for your kids to evolve into the caring, tactful, and successful people you want them to be.
Parenting, September 2003

Another article:

Reality Check: Putting a Stop to Sibling Rivalry

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By Trisha Thompson

Q Our two girls, ages 3 and 5, seem to argue over everything. How can we get them to stop?

A Listening to your children fight is a form of parental torture, similar to enduring whining but even more distressing. When our two girls still had a harmonious relationship, until ages 3 and 6, we were warned by parents of older children that the peace wouldn't last. They were right. Garden-variety arguing, a certain amount of which is normal, starts when the younger child becomes capable of threatening the older one's supremacy, or at least capable of knowing just when to topple the block tower her sister's so carefully built.

Psychological wisdom has it that sibling rivalry and chronic fighting may also stem from parents' comparing one child with another, however unwittingly. "So tell your children what each one is good at, but one on one, when you're alone with a child at bedtime, for instance," says Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry.

Emphasize that each person in the family has strengths and weaknesses and is loved as an individual. If everyone feels valued independently, it's easier for them to develop a sense of mutual belonging and family pride — the feeling that my sister's success is my success, her sorrow my sorrow.

Some basic house rules can help too: Toys must be shared or they'll be banished to shelf Siberia. Hitting or shoving buys you time in the penalty box. Lately, I've been using a couple of other tactics as well. I ask my daughters how they'd feel if their father and I had six fights a day and they had to listen to it. That snaps them out of a jag for a little while. But mostly, I remind them (with frequent success) that they're stuck with each other — that long after Mom and Dad are gone, a sister will be there, so they might as well make the best of the relationship.

Trisha Thompson is a contributing editor to PARENTING magazine and a former editor-in-chief of BabyTalk.

Parenting, May 2002

There are great tips under every age on www.parenting.com - You didn't say whether or not they are sharing a room together, or all have separate rooms because on the website, it also has tips for kids who share rooms and are constantly fighting. I guess there is a difference if they aren't sharing rooms, and in that case, you may have to separate them into their own rooms, if that's possible. You know, make the basement or attic into a room, etc. Sometimes older children may need their own space. Feel free to check out the website for more tips, and I hope this helps. I always go there for tips.

K.,
I think at some point we have all had this. It is just your child testing their grounds, and seeing how much they can get away with. If you have a time out chair, you need to use it. By putting the child in his/her room, you will only have problems down the line with them staying in their bed/room. You need to have their room as a "safe haven". That is there place. You need to be firm, and sit them in time out, or sit them in 1 place, and contiue to bring them back if they get up. It can be very hard and tiring. Seems kinda weird, but if you have ever had a puppy it is the same thing. It is like establishing dominance. Kids are the same way, you have to teach them that it is not ok to scream etc. They are supposed to get 1 minute for each year old they are. It is hard, because alot of times, it is just easier to give up, but they need to know where their boundaries are. That is all they are doing. I have a 4 and 7 year old, and with each new stage, we get the testing of the boundaries. When they are done with thte time out you need to give them a 1 thing simple explanation of what they did wrong. (as after a while just like adults, they turn what you are saying off) so you need to keep it simple, and be stern. hope this helps..:)

I know this is late but I just read about you 2 yr old..What we do when any of the children do this sort of thing we send them to their room and let them know that when they are done screaming or having a bad moment and all done they may come out and join us..Don't get me wrong this just didn't work over night it took some great effort on our part not to give in and not to let the child come out of the room screaming..We leave the door open always, But at the same time we are letting them know that this is unacceptable...When they would come out screaming then we would walk them right back in the room at the same time letting them know when they are done then they may join us but they would have to do all the crying and screaming in their room and then we would talk and explain to them that we will not allow them to behave like this..

It will take some time but you have to stick with it..I know this works we have a 2yr old 3 yr old 4 yr old That at different times they have their moments like this..Now when they feel they are going to act like this sometimes they will walkt to their room on their own..Other time times we have to tell them they need to go to their room until they are ready to talk about this...I know this might sound weird to you but it really does work...Good luck..

I feel for you, 2 year olds can be very challenging to deal with on soo many levels. I just read a very wonderful book, and I will e-mail the link to you, but the basic messagee is that if one thing doesn't work, try something else/ Some things that have worked for me are time-outs for more than a few minutes, actually, door shut, sit on the bed time outs. Why punish your other children who have to be exposed to the crying when they are not to blame. As long as your child is able to understand "limit-setting" keep it up, take something away from her. But remember to also say something positive first, IE: I love you very much, but what you are doing is unacceptable and when you act like this I need to help you by putting you in time out, or taking away your favorite toy, and because you are worth it , I am not going to give in until you change, making it there choice. Hope this helps!

I love everyones responses; exactly what I would say! I just wanted to add..I was reccomended the book "1,2,3 Magic" It is a book about stopping behaviors and the book works with ages 2 and up; it is suppose to work in three steps like Magic...
It is just a simple behavior plan that works without fighting; I even used it with my boys who have PDD and bipolar!
Hopes this helps and best of luck!
C.

As Im sure you have noticed your child has entered the non complient stage. She/he has relized that they are able to think for themselves. She/he is learning about what type of reactions they get from others. Im sure if feels like by having your child sit in time out you are teaching them that when they do something wrong they will have to sit. Your child is not old enough to understand such a complex idea long enough to hold onto it for the next time the situation comes up again. Redirection is very helpfull with toddlers. Instead of focusing on what she is doing and why it is bad help her do something else. Encourage her newly found independence by having her do tasks for you. Have her "clean" things with a damp rag for example. Also I would look at the environment.Over stimulateing environments tend to contribute to problems. Get rid of loud battery operated toys. Good luck!

K.,

Been there seen that...Feel for you. I am also a mother of 3. What worked for me were a few things. First have a plan before the day begins. I would think through what I would do if war broke out and know how I was going to address each child. First the screamer. Talk with him/her about wanting to help her and how we use our voices when trouble happens. This converstation is good to have when life is calm. Let him/her know you love them and want to help but screaming/hitting is hurtful to ears and does not help at all. Second hold the childs hands at their level and tell them no hitting. We create, make and help with hands never hit. Explain to your son that his sister is learning and by screaming he is teaching her to scream when things go wrong. This helps nothing. If she is grabbing he needs to tell her no and use her name. Teach him to tell her no Susie you may not have this toy but you may have this one. The old bait and switch works. Unfortunately the older has to endure while the two year old learns how to share. I would keep your two year old near you when the two are on the floor playing so you can quickly address any hitting. My older would retaliate and hit back. Knowing the toddler could not articulate and then I would wonder why she was crying so hard. Keep a watchful eye and stay on top this will pass. Help your son use some coping skills. -J.