Sick Child Privileges

Hi Mary,
A big part of *addiction* is co-dependence. The addict tried to pass off responsibility for their addiction on family and friends.

Her friend has roped her into believing it is partly HER responsibility if he is not successful in his own recovery (he's also doing this with his mom, I guess). In other words: if he's going to stay or leave, it's not really in anyone's control but his own. But if he leaves, he can blame your daughter and his mom for his own failure... and the cycle begins again.

I suppose if it were me, I would make my child go to school, and perhaps in the next few weeks, connect her with a group that can educate her on how to be a *positive* support to people struggling with addiction, so she has better tools to communicate with her friend in a healthy, positive way.

Good luck!
t

Stick with your boundaries.
Your daughter needs to realize it's her own fault she's not going to see her boyfriend.
As far as the boyfriend is concerned, his recovery is up to him alone - nothing your daughter does or doesn't do changes that.
Your daughter is attempting to guilt trip you over it - don't let her.
ALL she's got to do is pry herself out of bed and get to school my 11:00 am.
She failed, got a warning, did it again and is now jerking you around to see how far she can push it.
Does she WANT to graduate this year? Does she want to be held back a year?
I don't know what her plans are for after graduation, but graduation is important and she needs to get clear about her goals and then pursue them.
The boyfriend is not going anywhere and your daughter should be.
She's got her future ahead of her and this guy will be holding her back.
Of course you can't tell her that - she's probably going to have to learn it the hard way.
Stick with your rules.

I think you need to stick with what you told her, so she can take responsibility for her actions..

It was up to her to get there on time.. She didn't and so.. she will suffer the consequences. If she says anything.. Just remind her SHE is the one that was late.

If it was work she could be fired.. Better to lose a privilege and learn her lesson than in the future to lose her job.

Stick to your guns. It's not your daughter's job to persuade her boyfriend to stay in detox. Let his mother try. If she (daughter) starts to be his caretaker and his mother, it's going to mess up the relationship (ahem).

And *her* job is school. Her boyfriend should understand and encourage her to be in school. If she shirks on that, her own future is seriously compromised. My experience has been that high school seniors, healthy or not, all have some degree or other of senioritis and are looking for ways to leave school early - by quitting entirely or by not showing up. Don't let it happen. (Some of it, I think, is actually from fear of the future.)

Darn it - I had it all typed up and then my fingers were flying!! URGH!!!

No. She should NOT be allowed to go today. She broke the rules. She knew what would happen if she broke the rules. So if she is allowed to go today - she will know that her boundaries are NOT FIRM and can be modified.

I'm sorry that your daughter has this condition. It sounds like she takes advantage of it too. She is being afforded a lot of opportunities that most kids wouldn't get and it sounds like she is taking advantage of them.

I'm also sorry that your daughter is in love or deep like with a "man" who is addicted to Rx meds. I can tell you that no amount of crying, pleading, screaming, holding - NOTHING - will help him get clean if he doesn't want to. So if he stays there but he doesn't really want to be there - he won't get clean and won't get the help he needs. So NO. She cannot go today. She broke the rules. Sorry that Johnny is in detox. However, it doesn't matter if you plead with him to stay - he won't get clean unless he wants to get clean. That's what I would say to her.

Don't move the boundaries. Stand firm.

if she is on punishment, then no...
I will just leave it at that

Teach your daughter not to live "other people's lives". It's a good lesson for all of us.

It's your job to parent your child and your daughter's boyfriend's parent to parent him. In fact, I wouldn't let my daughter see someone who is in detox! Talk about something a 17 year old shouldn't have to deal with!
Your daughter knew that if she was late she would be on restriction. She chose to lolly-gag and be late. She now gets to be on restriction.
L.

I'd stick to your rules. She messed up and you told her what would happen if she was late...now she needs to be on punishment.

I'd get her far away from the BF too - RX addictions are dangerous and scary.

stick to the consequence you said....otherwise she will not take you or your word seriously.

I'm not sure. Helping out a friend is pretty important. However, it's school, it's her "job". That's a tough one. Can you have her go help her BF and then have her make it up to you by doing extra studies with you or extra work around the house? I'd make sure there is some sort of exchange. She needs to know she has some control over her choices, but there is give and take.

She needs to learn from her mistakes and choices. Stick with your guns and let her face the music--. Her b/f threatening to come home is just trying to manipulate her. Don't let her fall for it. She deserves better and shouldn't even be in a relationship with him----he is just starting recovery and shouldn't be in any relationship period.

I agree with Tania.
Co-dependency is not a healthy thing.
Your daughter needs to be concentrating on her own health and well being and taking care of her responsibilities for her own future.
Getting lost and tangled up in her boyfriend's issues when she's clearly not dealing with her own is not going to do either of them any good.

If she was mature, which she's clearly not, she could send a message via her boyfriend's mother that she won't see him if he checks out early.
It's not her place to convince him to stay. He wants the treatment or he doesn't.
Addicts can be very manipulative.
She needs to really examine, at the age of 17, how much she needs someone in her life who is addicted to pain meds.
He may be a really good person with a problem, but it's not HER problem.
And, if he really cares about her, he will stay and get the help he needs so he can be an asset to her life as opposed to dragging her down with his problems.

Have her watch the show "Intervention".

Tell her she can't go to see him because A) She defied you by being late or school. B) Getting him to stay in treatment is not her responsibility.

Just my opinion.