SIL Gripes, Part Two

You may not like to see your husband "get treated like this" by his sister, but asking for help after the baby is born is very common. I'm not one bit surprised that the baby's father is MIA because she is a very strange person and obviously can't keep a boyfriend. Who else would she ask for help, if not her brother?

You don't like her. You aren't the first woman to not like her SIL. But this really isn't about you. This is about a mom with a new baby and no real support.

It's fine for you to be pissed at her strangeness, her lack of manners, her acting so "close to the vest" with info about her life. But drop the jealousy. It doesn't "become" you. So what if she didn't ever want to babysit? She probably would have been a terrible babysitter, not having children herself and not even being any good at being around family. Your brother might actually want to "help" her now because it may be the only way he figures his sister out. And he really shouldn't have to ask your permission to do that, or have to be blasted for going over there.

Sit down and decide together how much is too much where helping her is concerned. Do some checking and find resources for her to use when she calls for help, when what she wants falls outside of the boundaries you two have decided on. She makes enough money - let her hire out some of whatever it is. That will make you feel better, and get her what she needs.

I'm sure that at 36 years old, she made a conscious decision to have a baby. The consequence to her behavior is that watching her biological clock tick made her decide to go ahead and be a single parent, regardless of what her family thinks. She obviously doesn't want to know what people think, since she doesn't come around, much less ask. Perhaps she dumped "Dave" because all she wanted from him was to have a baby. And as far as not having a carseat and a crib, well, smart business people can be terribly stupid where babies are concerned - good Lord, she isn't the first!

Lastly, wouldn't it be better if you didn't know too much about her business? That would mean that you might have to spend time with her, which you actually don't want. Jointly decide on the boundaries between you two and your SIL, and let the rest go.

Dawn

It must be pretty daunting to be a new mother with no support. I would hope that if I were in that position my brother would help me, regardless of my income.

This is what family is for, to support, help and love. If your SIL chooses not to justify her pregnancy and the father to you, then that is her perogative. She may feel embarrassed, ashamed or judged, and why bring that upon herself? It doesn't mean that support should be withdrawn.

It's hard to turn off your feelings. Perhaps if you think about your new little neice or nephew, and know that everything you and your husband are doing is for this beautiful new baby, it will make it easier for you.

i am the queen of boundaries and yawp about them endlessly on this site.
i totally get your resentment of your odd SIL and would be with you in wanting limited contact.
but without reading your previous post, i think you're being a little controlling of your DH. is it really such an awful thing that he help his sister out a little? yes, she's odd, and the shower thing indicates that she's an ingrate.
but she's his sister. and there's a baby.
would it be the end of the world if he gave her a lift home and put her crib together? and why are you even throwing up in his face that the poor man went back to work after you had your babies? so did mine. he didn't want to. those were the realities of keeping a paycheck coming in. it's not like his sister is expecting him to move in with her, right?
you are entitled to feel however you do about your SIL. but i don't think it's appropriate to dictate to your dh how HE should feel about her.
khairete
S.

I don't think she owes an explanation but I also don't think your husband owes her significant amounts of "support" either. It's a little obnoxious to create this situation and then expect everyone to drop their lives and run to her rescue.

That being said, this is an issue to be handled by your husband. I would not brow-beat him or tug on him. Let him figure out for himself that she is a user. I would just be as gracious as possible, without being a door mat. If there is something that he needs to be doing at your house remind him of that before he heads out to help her. I.e., he needs to feel the discomfort of being stretched too thin.

Hopefully he'll figure out, very quickly, that his sister is a bottom-less pit of need and issues (at least that's how it sounds from your post).

JMO.

I can see both sides of the story. I understand your feelings of that you have tried, she has "failed", and you are kinda done. But, in her mind, however she became pregnant isn't your business, and that is really true. With-holding a baby shower b/c she won't bend to your interrogation is not nice. I have sisters who tend toward that "play my way, and be a sister by my rules, or we cut you out" mentality. I can tell you that after years of it, it has actually CAUSED me to be more secretive and protective of my own family and choices, but they don't understand that. Maybe there is always a little bit of judging going on and she feels that? IDK, just a thought.
As far as your hubby goes, you definitely have a say in how much her needs are taking away from your own children's needs, but its a fine rope you walk. You can't control him, but maybe you could suggest that his mom step in? Or, better yet, just talk to her about it. Let her know you are hurt by her seeming lack if involvement with you and your kids,and this is kind of hard on you guys to jump in and be her support now. Maybe she has areally good reason for the things she missed, but didn't share them with you at the time. Or maybe she didn't get how important kid parties are to you guys, and now that she's a mom, she will understand. My point is, you are upset, and angry, and hurt, and maybe she is too. You guys need to talk, because the NOT talking is usually worse. No words about the real underlying issues means those issues won't begin to get resolved, and you really will never move past them. Good luck.

I was just going to say what 'Dad' said below ... maybe she's ashamed of whom she made this baby with ... maybe, just maybe, she doesn't even know! How mortifying, right? I totally see where you're coming from, but now an innocent child has arrived and is part of the family. It's ok for your husband, her brother, to help out a little, isn't it? At this point, it doesn't seem like she's really put you out too much to me. The shower thing is weird, yes. But what can I say? My SILs can also be weird, I must be frank here. But they're family. We all can't have the ideal family. So I think you need to let bygones be bygones, stop trying to ferret out who the father is and just accept this new family member and cousin to your children. And so she wasn't receptive to babysitting your kids pre-child ... maybe she'll get it now that she has her own. I'd encourage you try and turn a page no this relationship and see how that goes. Best of luck to you!

First, sit down with your husband and tell him you don't want helping his sister to be at the expense of you and the kids. Give him some guidelines.
This problem could be short term though. What are her plans re: returning to work? Usually 6 figure jobs require long hours, and most daycare centers close at 6 pm sharp, so I'm guessing she will hire a nanny? She's likely to lean on the nanny at least some.

I wouldn't call it jealousy I would call it used after being abused. You wouldn't take this from a stranger and you shouldn't take it from a family member.

Take your husband by the hand on a date or something and nicely talk to him about this. Point out all of the ways she burned the two of you and let him see and feel this hurt. You are his wife first woman. Sister is on the oustide of the new nuclear family and he has to learn that. Something in a book about a momma's boy and how they come running at all times of the day and night and leave wife/family home alone.

Sister made her bed now she's crying for help after dissing brother with no on the father info. The world is a cold place when you do push all your family away. Should you decide to help make and build big boundaries around you on what you might do for her. But make it small and not too much.

Big bigger and move on from her. No need to get a headache beating on a brick wall.

The other S.

PS Sister burned her bridges and now she needs to get back to the other side with only ashes in between the river banks. I know they say turn the other cheek but you cannot enable her or she will never learn that the world does not revolve around her.

Your husband is a great Brother. But I am more like you. She only acts nice when she wants something, ignores you when she is needed. Let your hubby be a great brother but I would not go out of my way for her personally. She is old enough and has the money to hire people to get things done. Just my opinion.

I didn't read you previous post and I have no idea why she is being secretive. It could be practically anything though whatever her reasons she is probably afraid of being judged by family.

A s a new mom single mom she could probably use the help. But it is definitely worth talking to your husband about setting boundries with her. Perhaps you can come up with a list of ways that he can help and of things that would be a serious inconvenience for you. Then he needs to talk to her about what he is willing to do and especially about asking in advance since you live fairly far apart. Of course there can be emergencies but as a parent one needs to plan in advance and have more than one person to call on for help. For example, my children's daycare has several emergency contacts. My best friend who lives fairly nearby is on there and would come if they needed someone right away. My parents are on there as well, but they live an hour away (they would come in a serious situation but it would take them some time to get here).

Where is the man that got her pregnant? is he out of the picture? How old is this SIL? Sounds like she's very immature - if you need help, then PLAN in advance and ask people. But don't leave them hanging until the last minute then you play the pity card. I'm sorry but we are all adults here - if you can't do it yourself that is fine. But don't evade and flake out when people try to help you then at the last minute you want it /need it done on 'your time'. I swear people do this stuff for attention and to prove they can make everyone around them drop their lives for them - that's not always possible! It is rude for her to make these demands of your husband. What about her own mother/father? where are they? What about other siblings or family members? Why is your husband the only one responsible? You have a family of your own and your husband has to make that clear to her that she's got to communicate in a timely manner like an adult if she wants help!

I have heard many people say that a book called "Boundaries" were beneficial to them in scenarios where they have previously been continuously taken advantage of. Perhaps it would be worth your while (and your husband's) to pick up a copy and give it a read.

I am sorry I did not catch your original post... I am not sure the details of the entire situation so all I can do is give you my two cents based on limited information.

My family is the type that will take and take and then spit in your face. They have done it to me for years. When I married my husband he told me that I could help my family as long as it did not negatively impact my my new family (My husband and daughter). He never made me chose between him and the rest of my family but he did make me aware of how badly they did treat me.

Talk to your husband and be honest. But do it nicely without insulting his sister. If you can find a way to not put him on the defense and show him that you are truly concerned then maybe he will understand.

Good Luck!

sounds liike she only wants to talk to people when she needs something.. not cool.. id feel the same way u do