Sister Driving Me Crazy

Sounds like a case of "I'm Okay But You're Not". If you haven't read "I'm Okay But You're Not" you might want to look up a copy.

It seems to me that she only feels like she's okay when she's finding fault with others. In a way she's saying to herself, "Look at them, I am so much better than that, I do better that they do, I am good at something.....".

It could be that her self esteem or self image is so bad that this is the only way she can feel good about herself.

Just a thought, otherwise I'd be making other plans.

Distance yourself as much as possible. Your sister needs you far more than you need her. Unless there are truly marital issues, to be encouraging you to divorce your husband is completely inappropriate.

She can be your sister without being your best friend.

Someone posted it's "normal sibling rivalry" but there is nothing normal about her telling you to divorce your husband. She is way beyond rivalry; she is toxic. She is profoundly jealous of you -- do you see that? You may have some tough stuff going on with the financial adjustments, but you have a husband, kids, a life she envies.

If she were just focusing all this toxin on you that would be bad enough but now she is spreading lies to make herself sound noble ("I'm helping them with their bills," "Her husband's a louse and she should divorce him.") That is why you need to confront her. I would stick very strictly to one thing -- the fact she is telling people things that are untrue -- and would NOT go into the thousand other things between you, even though those are all pretty bad as well. Write out a script of what you want to say and practice it so you do not get emotional and go off on a tangent, hauling in all your past issues. Don't mention her weight, her lies to her doctor, even the parenting snipes or cooking comments. Just focus on: "I know you are telling other people A and B. These comments do get back to me and you need to know that they get back to me now and will eventually get back to me if you do this again. It is untrue that you pay any of our bills. It is untrue that my husband deserves to be divorced. You have to stop discussing my family or my marriage or our finances with anyone because you do not know anything to discuss. You also need to stop discussing them with ME. My marriage, my children and our finances are off limits as topics for discussion. I would love to talk to you about (fill in something that interests her). I want to have a relationship with you, but we cannot move forward from here unless you agree that these topics are not for discussion with me and especially with other people." She is going to huff and puff and be all indignant but don't let her get to you. Be cool and leave if she gets worked up. Don't mention the discussion next time you see her and see what happens. If she brings up any of the nixed subjects, smile, try to change the topic as if you did not even hear her, and if she persists -- leave the room but say nothing.

Do you go to the same church as her? It sounds as if you do, from the post. Would she listen to a pastor if one talked with her? If there is a pastor you trust, could you talk to that person and perhaps get her or him to mediate between you and your sister? I would think a pastor would be very much on your side regarding the divorce comments. And any pastor should be very concerned about nipping gossip among church members, and that is exactly what she's doing -- gossiping viciously.

You may have to distance yourself further from her. She needs therapy, clearly. But she isn't going to get it and will probably go ballistic if you suggest it. Sad.

It sounds like two things are going on. One, she sounds very unhappy in her life and is striving for 'misery loves company'. It sucks if you don't have a lot going on for yourself, and feels better when other people are in the same boat as you. She may not even realize how much she is doing this. She may just be viewing your life through this negative filter and trying so hard to only see problems.

Second, it sounds like she wants to feel important or relevant in your life. Maybe she feels like if you don't need her, you'll forget about her. My MIL is like this, she has created such a state of dependence for her kids (except hubby, as we moved away to get out of that dynamic). She just desperately wants to be needed, and created that in her kids, who are now really under her thumb. That sounds like your sis. Understandable for her to feel that way, not cool to try so hard to convince you that you need her. And again, she may not realize this is what she is doing.

I think I would start by asking her questions and reassuring her. Asking her why she thinks you are unhappy? Why does she think you need to move in with her? etc. Let her give you the answers, and let her know that you hear her. Then let her know that you are very happy and that it makes you upset when she says x,y,z to you and about you. Let her know that she is super important in your life but that can't be around the negativity and she must stop doing x,y,z. Be specific, and call her out when she does things you don't like. Being specific about what you don't like, while reassuring her that you do want her in her life should help.

I hope she works this out. :-(

Family are the people who love you and support your decisions. Not always the people we are biologically related to. It's time to distance yourself from her. If that means going to a different church, do so.

Wow- you rarely ever hear of someone THAT toxic. If you have not already you must have it out with her. Let her know how much her behavior hurts you and that if she keeps it up you will have to keep your distance from her. She needs you way more than you need her so she will most likely come around. The thing is you will need to confront her every time you hear that she has been talking about you and spreading lies and every time she is mean to you. You need to be strong because as it sounds right now you are not really. You let her get away with it because you love her. You have to love yourself and your family enough to take this toxicity out of your life if you need to.

You're dealing with a bunch of normal sibling rivalry. I'm guessing your mom kept the peace. But now she's not there for your sister to vent to. Your sister is jealous, plain and simple. This has nothing to do with money. You have a husband and kids, and she doesn't. She wants someone to take care of/ have to rely on her. Which is why she wants you to get divorced and move in with her. And it's also why she's telling people those sabotaging remarks. I bet your mother gave her a lot of positive reinforcement, and she's really missing it now.

You need to put your foot down and keep it down. You are not getting divorced because marriage isn't based on finances. And if she can't be nice then she doesn't need to be in your life. Family or not, she is currently being toxic to your life, happiness, and family.

I kinda have the same type of sister with different circumstances. I distance myself. I have stopped worrying if I hurt her feelings, since she has no clue or understand that she hurts mine on a regular basis. My sister has a false sense of entitlement where we are not sure where she got it from. I have another older sister and a younger brother, and we are all in the same understanding of her. We cant figure out why she acts this way. So we all are there for her when she wants us, but in the meantime we dont go out of our way to do anything for her or with her. I actively avoid her when possible, and when we are together I avoid her until I cant, and if she starts in on me, I retort what ever it is shes chiding me about. She doesnt like and generally leaves me alone after a few stupid comments on her part. I have outright told her once or twice I didnt like her comments, or her attitude about life, and that our opinions are very different. She didnt like that, but it only took 2 months for her to come around again. She is my blood, and my sister, I do love her for that. Everything else about her infuriates me. So we dont have to be friends.

You need to stop associating yourself with her. She is disrespectful to you, your husband and your family. She feels threatened by what you have and is trying to make you miserable so you can be miserable together. Tell her she needs to back off of your business or you won't be spending any time together. Also, stop telling her ANYTHING negative about your life. Only the positive and so she doesn't have anything to say about it. If that doesn't work, get her out of your life until she shapes up. Hope this gets worked out!

This is not normal. She needs to see a psychiatrist. I don't like what I am hearing echos of. My mil. She has terrible self esteem. She needs to lie in order to feel better about herself. My mil has destroyed her relationship with her kids and most of her brothers and sisters. It's kind of like being emotionally stunted at the age of 3-4. (If you won't give me all the candy I want then you are a terrible person!) in your case it is, if I can't have all the time I want with my sister then my Bil is a terrible person! everything is black and white with her. I won't try to diagnosis your sister but I can tell you some ways of dealing with difficult people like this. First, what you are doing is good and that's limiting contact. You can't fix her. You can limit the damage she causes. You and your H need to agree on what you will stand and at what point you will ask her to leave the house. What if this were his sister lying about you? You would be terribly hurt. You have stopped telling her anything personal. Good. Limit the emotional responses, no joy for her joy, no sighing or anger. Just respond not react. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, now trust your gut and realize your H and you need to present a united front. Good luck.

My first impression is that your sister is very lonely now that your mother has passed and you know the old saying - misery loves company!

I think you owe it to your sister to try to sit down and explain to her how you feel and how she makes you feel. She may not really realize what she's doing. She may still be grieving the loss of your mother. Grief can make people do strange things.

If, after you have spoken with her, she keeps it up, then keep that distance between you. If, however, you see her making an effort, then support her in that.

If she continues on this path, do put/keep space between you but keep an open mind because once she has fully grieved the loss of your mother, she may go back to being the sister you dearly love.

Your sister has issues and she is projecting this unto you. She has no life of her own, so why not criticize yours? It's easy to do and because she's unhappy, she gets a kick out out telling lies about you and your family. She must be awful to be around. She does not want to see you happy because she's not. I would put som distance between you two and not tell her anything personal anymore - although, she'll likely make up lies anyway. I would confront her to her face and ask why she' s making up these statements. If this is how she acts, then I agree that she should not be welcome in your home. Is she a pathological liar? Would she benefit from a mental health evaluation?

You need to go on with your life and forget aboutx what your sister is doing. It is clear to me that sheis miserable and misery loves company. Cater to your husband and kids. Do of let her come between you and your husband.

honestly it sounds like your both being "sisters" abd still in the mode of competing. even in your post you mention how she says she can cook better and you site how people ask you to cater things because you're better.

Why do you tell her problems with your marriage if she;s the kind of person that cant realize that all relationships have problems and she holds on to that info ad holds it agnst your husband? it sounds like you've vented to her and she's held onto those negative messages about your husband. i'd suggest telling her that you love him and will not divorce and then change the way you talk about your husband with her.