Husband's "One That Got Away"

ish. such a difficult situation. i don't think it's cool to sneak and read texts, but i can't honestly say that i'd have kept to the high road if i'd have had the backstory that you do.
the secrecy would be a deal-breaker for me. i just don't know how i could ever learn to trust a man who had betrayed me (physical or not, he's sneaking) TWICE.
so sorry, my dear.
khairete
S.

did anyone suggest you confronting her and telling HER to back off??

maybe one of those easier said than done deals.

Ok, I know this is waaaaaay TMI. I had 25 minutes before my honey had a dentist appointment yesterday and managed to get "business" done easily.

Confront him! Don't make excuses that it isn't as bad as it could be. Keep in mind these are the only texts you actually see. They are easily deleted and what about phone calls?

Seems like a very clear indication you should work on your marriage. It is normal to hit valleys when you are like roommates, where there isn't the spark.

I say this because it seems like you are more consumed with "catching" him doing something wrong than actually looking at what this indicates. It seems like you are looking for a reason to get out of the marriage than seeing the reasons to stay in.

Marriage is a two way street, own your part in the dance.

Get into some couples counseling, they are good at getting people to talk.
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I feel like I need to make this clear, my answer is based on the feeling that your marriage can still be saved and stronger for this. You are not yet vested in your anger. Your next step can be saving your marriage by getting counseling or you can wait and see. While you wait and see you will become vested in your anger and the marriage will be broken.

I had a cheating husband, I know that breaking point and I can clearly see you haven't hit it yet. This is all in your hands, decide what you want.

I'm so sorry. I would be devastated if it were me.

I think that this is what I would do. I would find a marriage counselor and go to him and take a copy of all the texts (which you should have already have made) and all the evidence you have so far of their affair. (Physical or emotional...)

You also need to see a divorce lawyer and get some good advice about what happens if your husband leaves you for her. Then get all your financial ducks in a row. Copies of all the documents. Open a bank account in a bank different than where you two currently are and transfer money into it. I hope you have your own credit card...

Then take your husband with you to the marriage counselor appointment. You should tell him that you two have an appointment to talk to someone, and that he has to go with you. He will either know what this is instantly, or he will be dumb enough to not realize that his wife is not stupid. Talk about what he is doing in front of the counselor. Go from there.

L., you are lucky that you found out before he screws you and your children. Protect yourself financially. Don't put your head in the sand. And make him talk about this with a marriage counselor.

Dawn

I'm sorry. I would be terribly hurt and livid. It sounds like an emotional affair, at least on his end. The fact that he's keeping the relationship a secret as well as the fact that he's getting his emotional needs met by someone outside of your marriage are what make it so serious.

I agree that lining your ducks in a row in the event you ever decide to divorce him is a good idea. Get a good divorce attorney "just in case." Keep copies of ALL communications that you're aware of before confronting him. Don't tell him you're doing this. Lock it up safely somewhere, and make copies.

But I also think that there's a possibility that he's looking for something that he THINKS he can't find in his marriage. That he's not giving you a chance to give him. I do think a confrontation needs to happen, but I also think that joint marriage counseling needs to happen. He has no issues communicating with her, yet he's not communicating with you. Did you even know that he thought there were problems in your marriage? Or do you think he's exaggerating for her benefit?

I would also encourage him to get a job. He has way too much time on his hands. He can work part time. Get him involved in the family again, and maybe working will help him. Men are still so tied up in their value being in their work. With the children being at school so much maybe he can start to ease back into his career.

Roommates, while you work and he stays home with the kids. Perhaps that is what the two of you arranged, but was he man enough to tell her you are his soul support and backbone.

And, the aunt who gave her his number...please! What kind of church-going relative does this? As well, shame on Dwane for going to church and then entertaining a married man.

I am going to guess that the kids are a bit older, based on the number of years ago he last saw this woman. Personally, I would tell him it is time for him to look for a job. Obviously, he has too much free time on his hands.

You certainly don't want to have to pay his alimony.

Yes you tell him what you know. This is trouble. If it weren't he wouldn't be hiding it. Alias name? working around your schedule? Please. Why would you wait? Do you want him to do something unforgivable?

Just b/c the texts 'sounds' harmless doesn't necessarily mean that they ARE harmless!

~I used to hustle for drugs using only my phone and txts and my husband who would occasionally 'check on me' by going through my phone was never the wiser...until I told him. You can make *anything* sound harmless...

The fact that she knows your schedule to me means they have met in person. Sorry.

Your husband isn't fully committed to you. But the other woman should not be making contact with him if she isn't looking for a relationship with him. It sounds like he never got over her and you were second choice. Do you really want to stay with a man who would rather be with someone else? Exes are not meant to be your friends, especially if you still have feelings from them. He should not be getting marital advice or sharing marital confidences with an ex. His aunt is an idiot, you don't give out phone numbers of a married man to an ex.
Just remember that since he is a SAHD, if you divorce him, you will need to pay him alimony. It might serve you well to send him back to work and use a hired caregiver before taking action.
If you were his roommate, he'd be paying you rent. If a man referred to me as his roommate, that would be the end of him getting any sex.

I would be devastated.

I would not tip my hand (i.e., give him any clue that I know) until I interview several competent, qualified attorneys licensed in your state. I would want to know where I stand as far as custody, alimony, child support, etc. (especially since you're the one working). Depending on the legal issues I might not say anything - but again, this depends.

I would start going to counseling myself, and possibly move into marriage counseling once I get my own feelings under control.

This is just me - obviously this is your life and you have to handle this in the way that you feel is best - not just for you but also for your kids.

Good luck.

If he's hiding what he's doing (even if it's "innocent", which I doubt) - then he knows it's wrong. No married man should be discussing the intimate details of his marriage with another woman. How would your husband like it if you were sending flirty texts to an old flame of yours? Would it matter if you had gotten physical with the guy? Probably not. I don't care if your husband has time for an affair or not. Confront him and fix what's wrong in your marriage if you're both willing, but the contact with this woman has to stop.

This is probably going to be wildly unpopular and I'll probably be slammed for saying this, but here goes. If he wants a girlfriend, why can't it be you? He is spending a lot of time "flirting" with someone else, surprise him with a flirty text or two from you during the day. I know it totally sucks that you are at work all day and you have life pulling you into multiple directions, but maybe he needs that little bit of flirty girl attention from you to take his mind off of this distraction. He has already chosen you over her once, you are the one he wants, so be that girl he chose. Good luck!

Marriage counseling - you both need it.
Friendships don't sneak - they are out in the open.
Sneaking means they have something to hide.

It doesn't hurt to prepare for the worst.
Get things lined up in case a divorce happens.
If you never need it - fine.
But if you DO - you'll be prepared and you won't be blind sided.

I don't know if you should confront him.
I don't know if you should throw him out.
I don't know if you should tell him to find a job (he can haul trash, wash dishes, clear tables, etc - plenty of good physical labor and little time for messing with texting on the phone).

If my husband was not interested in being with ME emotionally/physically/etc - I'd be tempted to toss him out and tell him to go FIND that happiness he feels is missing in his life because I'm a DARN nice person, desirable, hard working and a prime choice for a life partner - and if he can't see that and appreciate that then he can drag his sorry behind out the door.
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
And WHEN (not IF) he comes begging to be let back in - I'd have to think LONG and HARD about how committed he could be to me considering his track record.
I might not TAKE him back.

I think I'd feel really betrayed if I were in your shoes. I hate being lied to. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Lying is usually an incredibly selfish and cowardly act.*

*I can think of survival situations where lying is necessary and courageous - this is not one of those situations.

I'm not sure what you should do, but do remember to take care of you as you confront this mess. Take hot baths, drink tea, cry with your girlfriends, write here - whatever helps you find your center. Remember that to keep your integrity, you have to keep your sanity.

Anyway, big hugs sister. What a day.

honestly you have two options
go in angry, say alot of things you regret and in turn hear a lot of things he regrets saying
or calm down and think of a strategy to make your relationship better

Once you have a strategy and areas you think need attention go to him calmly and tell him you think your marriage is in danger and you want to save it. ask for his opninions on it. what he wants changed, what he likes, doesnt like and so on

then come up with a plan to work on reconnecting.

I would make copules counseling a step too and bring up these issues there if you know you cant do that productivly at home...if you can bring it up without letting your emotions go crazy (not sure if i could) then do that after you both speak abo0ut fixing things

I feel for you, the trust issues are significant. One comment struck me, though - how many kids do you have? As a stay at home dad, I don't believe that he'd have "ample time for an affair." I stay home, and my days leave absolutely zero time for extracurricular activities. Counseling? Easier said than done, but maybe the suggestion would make him think twice? So sorry you are going through this. If I found myself in that situation, I'd be livid for so many reasons. Good luck. :(

Oh, I'm so sorry. This would hurt me very deeply. Can you arrange a weekend night where the kids can spend the night with family? Then you lay all the cards on the table and tell him what you know. This is an affair that hasn't gotten physical yet, an emotional affair. However, it sounds to me as if your marriage can definitely be saved and since there has been nothing physical as of yet, I think there would be an excellent chance of finding out why he's become attached to this woman, address it, and move on with a stronger marriage. Sometimes long-term marriage does feel like a roommate situation; the spark needs constant kindling. We get comfortable slogging through life. When you talk to your husband, ask him what he NEEDS to feel the spark again and by all means, put your needs out there, too. I think it would be tremendously helpful to see a marriage counselor to get back on track. Not to point out who's wrong/ who's right, but to rediscover one another. Very best of luck to you; you're in my thoughts.

BTW, you tell others how fabulous your husband is ... do you tell him, too? So important to give credit where credit is due on a regular basis to our partners.

I would tell him what you know and see what he says. It's important. He might be defensive or he might take the opportunity to tell you why he's doing this and possibly more that you don't know. Plus, if you're anything like me, I bet keeping this to yourself is killing you. Wish you all the best!

OK......he is bored. You should address it, tell him what you know and discuss it. If he wanted the affair, he could have had it already. He has the time and can be anywhere at anytime. He is playing a game, more of a fantasy for him. He already knows the girl, had an experience with her and realized she wasn't all that, so why would he want that? It is the idea of someone else wanting him or the possibility thereof. It is just fun for him or something to pass the time, that also strokes his ego. Yes, it could go further, but it doesn't seem to be something he really wants. Talk to him. See a counselor. Spice things up between the two of you, and by this I don't necessarily mean sex. Reconnect. Surprise him one night and get a sitter...take your huband out on a date. Make out in the car. Remind him that he is still hot to you. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute, not condoning or judging, but sometimes we disconnect from our significant other without realizing it and fantasies begin that could possibly turn into affairs or not. Regardless, it is a sign that something is missing.....go find out what that is and fix it, or get the answers you need and move forward.

Looks like another bored house-elf trying to get himself into some trouble... Good job for you keeping an eye on them two!
Here is what I see, first, the girl is keeping some distance from your husband, in other words, she is not jumping on the opportunity... she is sort of toying with him, enjoying the attention, so to speak. I do not know how they exited their original relationship, but it could be possible that she has some grudge and now is trying to make him "pay" for whatever happened by making him trust her, get attach to her, maybe testing if he falls in love with her. What you are describing just feels so much like a cat-n-mouse game females play and not some sort of passionate reunion.
Let's face the hard truth, your husband is a guy with a lot of time on his hands and can use that time to shower attention on another female, but he is a stay at home dad with no income, so he is not exactly some very desirable hot potato to fight for. It looks like this woman is getting what she wants already, attention without consequences. Your husband is not in any hurry either! Looks like he is resolving some past issues with this lady, not hot all over her. When man want someone, remember, there is no stopping them! Your husband is playing some soft of game of his own, if you interfere he may get mad that you never let him finish it or he may hide better next time!
What would I do? I would watch it, keep as close eye on it as you had been doing (good job!), I would not let him know I know (because he can turn this around and make it your fault all around, saying you do not trust me, you spy on me, etc., etc.) No sex - no crime done. The man is bored, I think she will play with him as long as she is lonely and then will drop him and he will get hurt all over again and will get wiser and realize that he was emotionally cheating on you and will get remorseful. If the affair develops and they will have sex - then you have ample proof! In any case, follow the advise below about getting ready financially and talk to an attorney about your options.
I strongly believe that people cheat because of their moral standards, you cannot stop, prevent or save someone from cheating. If your husband stops himself - you may forgive him and forget the whole thing, but if he crosses the line, how can you trust him again? Good luck!

your sitting on on ticking time bomb, gathering evidence of something that may or may not happen or has or has not happened. The fear of knowing the truth and ruining your life is stopping you from confronting him. Your worried your life may fall apart if he feels your accusing him. Since you have gathered all this information, your sitting on it. Your not addressing it. This would have taken a while to glean all this stuff. If it was me I would have been asking what is the problem LONG ago. IF you want your 13 year relationship to mean something and keep going. It needs to be taken care of now. Tell him you feel something is going on. You know you snooped, and now its there so its time to clean up this mess and he needs to figure out what he wants to do with the relationship. Why sit there and seeth in pain and anger? That cant be good for family dynamic.

ADDED: some reason the SWH didnt show up for me. I think your doing the right thing telling him what you know or suspect. If the woman is not pursuing it more, means she just likes to chat and fantasize I doubt she would fulfill anything. Though if she is single, she will likely pick up the pieces of a fail marriage.

What he is doing is not okay. Neither is what you are doing. You are looking for something, and trust me, when you look, you will find something. Even if it's innocent friendly conversation, you will be able to turn it in to something more.

I used to do this with my husband. He also cheated on me and it caused years of trust issues for us. They still creep up from time to time. Now, if I want to look at his phone, I ask him. I haven't had a desire to look at it since last summer when we had our last round of counseling.

If I see a number on the bill (that I really don't have any need to look at) I ask him who it is. He tells me.

My problem was being the snooping wife, same as you. I had to own up to MY part of our trust problems, same as he had to own up to his. Yes, things to get to feeling like roommates sometimes, it's natural I think. Life gets busy and it's hard to remember why you are there sometimes. Make an effort to get back with him and draw him in to you.

But before you can do that, you both need counseling. Own up to what you have done, hopefully he will own up to what he has done, and go forward. It takes two to make it bad and two to make it good. Do your part and pray he does his.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Excessive text messages was how I found out about my ex's affair. You need to confront this and deal with everything. If he doesn't want to be married anymore, then find that out now. I'm not saying its easy, because its not. He might be caught in the "grass is greener" mentality. You deserve more than what he's giving you in this marriage. Living in fear of what your husband "may" do or has done is no way to live. He is responsible for his actions. This isn't about you or sex. It's about him not being happy.

I would confront him. See how he reacts. Then the choice is yours. I made the mistake of waiting and letting my ex decide what was going to happen instead of taking back some control in my life. A lot of people work through affairs and come out stronger if BOTH commit to it.

I personally think that what he is doing is still considered cheating. Putting her number under another name and not being open about the communication is him trying to hide this interaction. Whenever you have to take extra measures to hide something then that person is very much aware that what they are doing is wrong. I think that you as his wife know him better than any of us and I don't think it is wrong on your part to find out what is going on with your husband, Had you relied on what he was telling you then you would have never known he was communicating with her or that he feels like you 2 are roommates. Him expressing those feelings to another women is not doing anything but pushing him farther away from you. I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. If he is feeling a disconnect with you then you don't want to push him away farther. You do need to address him communicating and ask him why is he hiding it from you. Ask him what is making him feel like you are just roommates. If he is just staying for the children then you need to know why and what happened between you 2. If you are saying you are intimate on a weekly basis then ask him what is missing? Is he bored at home? You need to get to the bottom of it. Then go from there. You can't force him to want to be married or feel a certain way. So you need to see where his heart and head is before you start thinking about divorce. Then depending on his answers and the action that precedes then you can seek out counsel. In my opinion divorce should be the very last option. 13 1/2 years is a long time to just throw it all down the drain. If you are both able and willing to try and make it work then that is what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck. I hate to hear of these type of situations.

I think you need to decide what you want for yourself. Then say either "it's over" or "we need counseling". IMO, it sounds like an emotional affair, at least on his part. I have a friend who has frequent GF drama and I always steer him back to his GF (I'm married and not interested anyway) but when DH asks about Nick, I tell him generically what we talked about. Nick and I do not text secretly. It's above board.

If you think he is not happy being a SAHD, then that's a separate discussion. But if you want to make it work, you and he need to start communicating to each other, not to outside parties. So I'd come clean that I know about the texts and see what he says. If he wants to stay for the kids, then he needs to respect their mother.

If you do not want to make it work or you think he's ready to bail, make sure that you protect your assets.

It honestly sounds like you shoudln't need marriage counseling as most people would likely be quite happy in his shoes. He probably needs counseling to figure out his issue... My guess is while he's fairly busy if he's taking care of his dad, he just doesn't have the inner compass to not have gone down this road. Our lives as parents gets boring or routine no matter how good we have it. Sometimes I think about that fluttery stomach feeling before a date or something that I don't get anymore. I dated someone I really liked for a fair amount of time before I met my husband. I think all of us kind of think about someone from our past once in a while. It'd be kind of fun to flirt over email again. It's been years since i've done that! Difference is I know not to go there. It's just not worth it in the long run. Your husband did go that route but it doesn't mean you should divorce him. You have young kids and what sounds like a good marriage otherwise. I think you just have to communicate with him now and ask him what deep down he thinks is missing. Does he really want to lose his family over this? It's likely nothing with you and he does not want to lose his familiy... Hopefully he is mature enough to realize that.

Wow, he is lucky to have you too. What a brave and honest approach. I hope it takes you where you want to go in your marriage, but even if it doesn't you have the comfort of knowing you did everything you could.

Ask him if he's happy with his 'roommate'. I'd confront him but he'll be defensive and you probably won't get anywhere. I would definitely think with kids as old as your this man needs to be working all day.

Ignore her and work on your marriage. He needs you and it seems you've grown apart and this "fling" is his way of connecting with someone. Make that someone you again. Stop reading his emails, stop checking on his text... I know it's hard but only in strengthening your marriage can you ensure this doesn't go on to something else.

If you can't let it go then you just have to let him go completely. But do Marriage Fitness (or some other form of it), I can't stress it enough.

PS. SAHM & SAHD... since when do we have "ample time" to bath let along have an affair? Kids in school or not you really want to say that stay at home moms have time to spare? Not defending the guy if he's a jerk but don't go the crazy jealous suspicious route... there is no faster way to get him to leave you for someone else... anyone else.

I would confront him with what I know. If it is harmless, he should not be hiding it from you. You need to tell him you do not appreciate him tellng her you guys are like roommates. He is asking for trouble!!! I would not stick around to see what happens. You need him to commit to your marriage, and if he can't do that then you need to walk away. I know it is easier said than done because you love him, but you deserve better than what he is willing to give you!

If you weren't already aware, it's most likely BS about him trying to cut off communication and the 'Aunt' giving out his number. It's also most likely there was more than just one fling.

To me this is already cheating. What an a$$hole your husband is, please don't fall for anymore BS. Confront him and then leave him if you're strong enough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

There isn't physical contact "YET" but it will lead to that, believe me!

I would print it out and wrap in a bow for him. I then would show him what a roommate really means. I would be more than mad. This is a deal breaker for me. He would be visiting his children every other week.

SO WHAT HAPPENED......... I just read your response. He is a lucky man to have you. I just want you to keep your eye's and ear's open. This is the second time around with this women intruding on your man. And your man letting her and himself become involved. I am of course a bitter women because this happened to me in my first marriage. Just be on your toes. I had a plan B when mine did not stop. Get a security bank box and start saving. Just say'in.

I would go straight to your pastor for help and advice. Your husband is a married man. He should be doing everything he can to place hedges of protection around your marriage. Hiding an emotional affair with another woman, telling her his marriage doesn't mean anything, and lying to you about who he is talking to, is NOT harmless. It could potentially destroy your family, and your children's childhoods.

Go talk to your pastor. Right away. Don't confront him, make suggestions, or innuendoes, or smartass comments as so many posters have advised. This is serious business and NOT the time for snark, sarcasm or petty anger.

I'm praying for you.

♥
C. Lee

Ask him if he is invested in your marriage. Ask him if your the one he could spend 24/7 with once you hit retirement. Ask him if he feels any passion for you at all. I get being lonely durung the day, but i have never entertained the opposite sex with electronic or physical relationship. If he needs engagement then he either needs to volunteer during school hours find a part time job or go back to school. If he says he wants you and you want him then you guys need to date again. If not then it's time to have a rough year, end the marriage and get on with making your life the place of happiness it should be. It takes alot of love as you age to make it through aging years. Time to set yourself up for what will fulfill life, love and happiness.