My SIL and her husband have been having marriage problems for a couple years. She has asked him to go to counseling with her and he started anti-depressants. Suddenly, three weeks ago, he said he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn't happy and they just didn't speak each other's love language. After much discussion, they agreed to continue to work on the marriage if she agreed to try harder to meet his needs, although he refuses to meet hers. Apparently, showing affection, giving her attention, making her feel special and complimenting her just isn't "in his skill set."
Here's where it gets dicey. The next day she looked on her phone records and saw that in the previous 5 days he had sent or recieved 300 texts with a girl he works with - something that had never happened before as he is not much of a texter. He says that nothing was going on, they are just friends, and it was a coincidence. He refuses to show her the me.ssages. In counseling he admits this woman was meeting an emotional need, that some of the messages my SIL would find inappropriate. Since then he has removed from her what little affection he gave, refuses to terminate the friendship with the girl, and says she is important to him. He also says that if she looks at the messages that he will divorce her.
So, would you do whatever you could to get ahold of those text messages?
by the way, when I say "she is important to him" I mean he is talking about the OTHER girl.
Talked to SIL this morning and she took a different tactic. SHE texted the girl and asked a bunch of questions. Turns out the girl has a boyfriend (actually fiance) and she was shocked and really apologetic. SIL explained that the fault was 100% her husbands for not being forthcoming and that HE had made this girl look like they were both cheating. The girl mas SO mad. Not at my SIL but at my BIL. She assured my SIL that it was nothing inappropriate but that she could see how it looked given what my BIL was doing and that it wouldn't happen again. BIL actually came in from work TRYING to make an effort today, so I guess we'll see. For me, I would want those text messages, first because they are my right to read and second because I would want to know up front the level of BS I was dealing with. So, that's what happened.
Nope-I would do what I could to get ahold of a good divorce lawyer. Life is too short to be treated like that-she deserves much better.
I think deep down she knows what's going on. There's a reason he won't disclose the messages. "Getting her hands on them" will only cause her more pain. I think she knows what she needs to know.
I would seriously doubt his effort to save the marraige. He cannot meet her needs, does not seem interested in doing so, tried to give her the impression that he was emotionally involved with another woman, and given her an ultamatum that he will divorce her if she looks at something that she will be unlikely to resist...I think that he wants a divorce, and he is just too weak to stand up for himself, so he is looking to make her do it for him or to have it be all her fault if he does it.
She is in a lose-lose situation. If she thinks that he has a mental illness that is effecting his stability, she should see to it that he gets more treatment, but if he is not ill, she needs to examine how long she can last trying to hang on to someone who already has a foot out the door emotionally.
M.
Nope, I'd kick the dude out. Sounds like he's already totally checked out of this marriage. Time for her to move on.
He admitted the texts were innapropriate, will not let her read them (so he's keeping them?), and won't drop the girl because 'she's important to him?
Nope, I wouldn't even bother looking at or for the text messages on my way out the door.
Edited after the So What Happened:
Nope, still walking out the door. Of course he's making an effort--he got caught! By both women if what the other girl says is even true (fiance an all). Even so...if my fiance (let alone my husband) sent/recieved 300 txts in <5 days to some chick I didn't know (my whole text allowance is 200!) I would be nippping that in the bud.
What probably happened is the girl is embarrased she got caught with a married man and is breaking it off so that the wife doesn't rat her out too. He, now that he doesn't have some hot chick lined up, still wants someone to 'meet his needs'.
Not this girl.
I would leave my husband and he knows that!
Our relationship is open in that we see each others emails and texts ect... anytime you hide things it is because you know you are doing wrong.
If she stays fine... but she will be divorced sooner or later.
But if I was her I would leave on HER terms instead of waiting until he finds the next girl to fill those needs and he leaves her in the dust...
Maybe the wife needs to go to her husbands job & introduce herself to this 'special friend' and start asking some questions. ;) But realistically, she needs to move on...whether or not she ever gets a peek at those texts. Just the sheer fact that he's texting another woman 300+ times AND not allowing her to look at said 'friendly' messages should be a red flag. It'd be all the proof i ever needed!
He's being a selfish pig, and making her jump through all the hoops. His only concession was going to counseling, but if he isn't following advice and is making her do ALL the work, where's the reward in it for her? It's not there. She needs to wake up & smell the coffee.
When will women ever learn to make themselves happy? Is being a doormat for someone fulfilling??? I'd rather be miserable by myself than being miserable with someone who adds insult to injury & treats me with disrespect. I say go get a lawyer-regardless of what those texts say.
Dang straight I would look.
Does she live in an "at fault" divorce state? If so... she should really fwd those texts to her phone/computer.
If your SIL means SO little to him that looking at his phone is "grounds for divorce", they're either getting divorced or she's going to be okay with being a doormat.
It doesn't sound like she NEEDS to see the messages. She KNOWS she's not going to like what she finds. Worse than that, her husband knows it's hurting her and isn't willing to do anything to protect her.
If he's willing to divorce her for looking at the messages, he's not really interested in fixing their marriage.
My advice is for her to do what she can now to line up her support network and get out of there. You can help her with that.
Good luck to you both.
T.
Nope I wouldn't bother with the text messages. I would pack his stuff and send him on his way. He obviously is not invested in the relationship anymore. Give him the boot.
L., First way to go supporting your SIL. It's plain and simple. She has every right to look at his texts. She is his wife and both of them should be open books. It appears to me that he is cheating regardless of it being physical or emotional it is still an affair. Go to www.marriagebuilders.com. There is some great information on that site your SIL may be able to use in determining if she wants to save the marriage or end it. Also, check out the book "His Needs Her Needs" It is excellent and you can check it out at your local library. Best of luck to your SIL and good for you for helping her. She needs a good support system right now.
Nope, she needs to end this now and not rub more salt in her wounds by looking at the messages. If he really wanted to make it work, he would give up the girl on the side completely and work really really hard to make it work with his wife. period. Time to file the divorce papers.
Of course, if her state has at-fault divorce, she could do some snooping and get some proof of an affair for her own purposes.
Sounds to me like he's an emotionally immature guy that decided his marriage was boring and has become vulnerable to the teeniest amount of attention given by another woman. He will become a victim to her allure and lose everything. Your friend reading the texts is not necessary. The fact that he sent that many text messages to someone else is already reason to believe he's gone off the deep end, period.
He has an obvious character flaw, is not asking your friend for forgiveness, and appears to be quite irresponsible. Would your friend be able to trust him ever again? Do they have kids? If they dont have kids, I think she should dump him and chalk it up as a learning experience and take the knowledge with her to "better" her next relationship. If they have kids, but he still refuses counceling ...... she should file for a separation as the last "try" on cleaning up the mess.
I'd go over to your sil house to help her pack. It sounds like this marriage has been over for awhile. He is a big *** and he and the new girl sound like they will be happy for about a month.
Is he 5? Heck yea she needs to just leave him. Forget that!
i wouldn't need to look because the fact that he is not showing them and has admitted she( the other woman) is meeting his emotional needs would be enoughfor me to tell him "hey she's meeting your emotional needs and i hope she can support your finanacial needs cuase i will see you in court, PUNK"!! i'm not judging your sister at all because we never know what we would do when we are in a situation until we get there, but she must like something he's doing because she would have left by now. for him to tell her "meet all my needs and i don't know what to tell you about yours" is enough to let me know you don't love me, you love what you think i can do for you! so i wouldn't even bother with those text messages i would be packing his bags! good luck
WOW! He threatened divorce if she "looked at his text messages"??
That's mature....(being sarcastic)
Unbelievable!
Just wanted to add my opinion and I see you've received a lot of responses. I hope all turns out the way it should for your SIL!
There is no POINT in actually reading those texts. He ADMITS he has a relationship with her. Instead of figuring out how to read the texts, she needs to figure out IF she even wants to stay with him or not. I got rid of my husband for this exact same thing (plus porno, chatrooms and not helping with the house and kids). There is more going on then just texting. Good luck.
If it were my husband, I'd give him an ultimatium - get rid of the girl or we are getting a divorce. No need to get that emotional need from another woman, that is (in my mind) cheating. If he's not willing, then I'd say they are heading for divorce. No need to get a hold of the texts because she knows they will hurt her and will only make things worse. If he's already said she would be upset by them, no need to go and actually read them. He's pretty much told her plain and clear that they are not appropriate.
YES I would read the texts and I would take my kids and move out if I saw anything that appeared inappropriate. My husband had a similar situation before we were married and in the end he ended the friendship. I don't trust the young woman's reaction- she isn't going to give it up easily if they do have an inappropriate relationship- and even if it isn't, they need to end this friendship if your BIL is hoping for one.
When we went through this we took a 9 month break- even though we lived in the same house, we lived seperately. When we finally decided that we wanted to be together- we were in a much healthier place because we both appreciated things that after a while we had started to resent. My husband ended his friendship with his "kindred spirit"(I know, still makes me barf) and started to understand why those relationships are not healthy. We were young but they may need this too. 8 years later these issues are completely in the past.
What good is it going to do to look at the text messages? Will it fuel the fire? Will it satisfy some need or in the end up hurting her? It's obvious there's an emotional connection between your BIL and the other woman - that is a dangerous stage and your SIL needs to tell him that if he is SERIOUS about working this out, he needs to cut off the ties with her. If he refuses, things are more intense between him and the other woman than everyone thinks.
Hmm.. as upsetting as this whole situation sounds, it doesn't seem that he decided out of no where that he wanted to end the marriage. Your first sentence says they have been having marriage issues for a couple of years. It sounds like he has decided to check out of the marriage and after he tried telling your SIL this she has said something to him to make him re-think leaving. But, him refusing to give up the "other woman" in my eyes is not really wanting to save the marriage.
Good luck
Yep-- I would do what I could to get them, save them somehow and use them in divorce court. Yes. I. Would.
First off I would not trust what the girl said....don't you think her priorities lie within protecting him?? Why would she tell her the truth and get him and her in trouble? Whenever there's trouble in a marriage or one of the partners is acting strange, or not getting this or that etc etc....9 times out of 10 its because there's someone else in the picture. Tell me this years ago, I'd never believe it....ask me now....I'm SHOCKED at how many people cheat, ones that i would NEVER suspect!! Some hide it very very well!! She just needs to lay it all out on the table...the trouble with it all is the state of mind that he's in, he will not get out of it until he's over the "honeymoon" period of this new emotional or whatever it is relationship. it's like talking to a brick wall in the mean time. I hope things work out...but he has to want it too....maybe if she did something drastic, it could wake him up to see what he could be losing!
I'd say it's guaranteed to be an inappropriate relationship with his text-buddy (my opinion of "inappropriate" tends to be pretty broad, "filling an emotional need" is NOT ok), and I don't think I'd want to know the dirty details myself. I'd have to involve a counselor to figure out exactly how to proceed. Intense counseling and willingness to work is required for success here for sure. Maybe instead of insisting on reading the messages, maybe insisting that he have a private session with the counselor to fully disclose the extent of the other relationship. Seems like the counselor would need the full picture in order to help them anyway.
I just have to say KUDOS to your SIL for going right to the source (the "friend")! Could this be some sort of power play on his part?? Unfortunately, they may very well be headed for divorce, however, if he insists on her meeting HIS emotional needs, but will not consider meeting hers.
I sure would! or maybe not even bother bc really that is just enough to I feel bad even typing it...leave
He is emotionally cheating on her. In my opinion that's as bad as physically cheating on someone. If her seeing the text messages is what it's going to take for your sister to realize this, then I think she should look. She needs to leave him. I can guarantee him and this other girl will be together shortly after your sister leaves him. No one deserves this. I'm sorry your sister is going through this. I can only imagine how painful this must be for her. Good luck to her. Keep being the good sister you are to her, she's going to need you.
i think i would cut him loose. i don't think i'd stress about seeing the txts. they probably have nothing to do with your SIL, it's the husband's issue, so why not let him deal with his stuff on his own? changing the mind about staying together is flakey too. you either stay or you go, there is no well i don't know, i'll stay put for now. until when? until something better comes along?
He knows he's guilty, whether only in his mind or an actual flirtation, and it will be giving her proof he is emotionally finished with this marriage. The marriage counselor may need to start working with your sister individually to help meet her need for counseling during the divorce.
Relationships take work on all levels- if he is unwilling to let go of that relationship with the "other woman" then it might be time for your friend to move on because obviously he is not committed to making his marriage work. I would forget about the text messages and look up her number via the phone bill, call the "other woman" and explain to her that in order to effectively work on the marriage her friendship with the husband would need to cease for a while. If she is unwilling to do this then they are probably having an affair further driving the need for your friend to move on. No accusations need to take place or “digging” into what the content of the messages state, all that will do is cause greater pain and she is better off not knowing. I know its hard to depersonalize the situation but getting to the bottom of the content of the text messages isn’t the issues but rather that the husband is getting his emotional needs meet by another woman and he is unwilling to collectively work on his marriage and fill his needs by being in a relationship with his wife. Hope this helps
Sounds like she already has the proof she needs. If he's refused to stop talking to this girl, then there's more going on. I'm sure she's dying to know what they talk about but I think she's still in a little denial that he's cheating since she doesn't have the full proof to read. But again, IF he had nothing to hide with this girl or there was nothing going on then HE would show her the messages and not make a big deal about cutting off communication with her. Sorry for the situation she's in, hope everything works out for her.
I really hope they don't have children together. This man has completely detached from his wife and has NO desire to work it out. If he did want to be married he would drop the other woman like a hot potato. Your SIL needs to say during their next counseling session that she will not stand for being treated this way and either needs to really try or file the papers. She doesn't need to see the texts, she already knows what they say and it is her worst fear.
However, if they do have children she needs to get the book Five Love Languages figure out his love language and love him in the way he can receive it. She needs to love him in that manner so much that he will have no desire to continue a relationship with the other woman. The children are worth it!
He sounds selfish and like a liar. I bet he wanted something to happen with this other girl, and thats probably why he didnt want your SIL seeing the messages. If he is continuing to hide things, that says it all. I'm not saying she shouldnt give her marriage a shot, but come on. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. If he's not going to be honest with her, whats the point?
sounds like he is a loser. Doesn't have any character. I would find the divorce lawyer and quick! You teach people how to treat you. He is treating her disrespectfully and has made it clear he isn't going to change. Its time for her to move on! I wouldn't touch the phone. There is no need for her to be hurt any further. Reading those msgs will just hurt her-not help her.
Molly
I would have called his bluff. I WOULD want to read them. What a jerk!
"He also says that if she looks at the messages that he will divorce her." I think that says it all. A man who is trying or wanting to continue the marriage would not say this. I think she has her answer about the content already. However, husband does not sound very invested in making a go of the marriage, and for that reason, I would try to get the info because it could be used to show cause in a divorce case.
For some reason, he sounds very angry with his wife. And maybe he is a little embarrassed too. I am sure she is angry with him, and I am wondering if she looked, could she forgive it and trust him again? I am torn because I think it might not be productive to look at them if he is really trying to work things out. She already knows they are bad. However, it doesn't sound like he is trying. And for that reason, I think she needs to start building a case against him should she need it in the furture.
Honestly, if she looks at them and he is pissed - that is not a good reason to decide to divorce. He is looking for an an excuse..
So my vote is about 99% YES she should look.
I'd look. And I'd be looking up a good divorce lawyer, too. I hope your SIL takes him for all he is worth.
Additional: The texts are evidence. And I wouldn't necessarily believe anything the other woman says. Think about it. Other woman acts mad, BIL suddenly seems like he wants to work on his marriage, and SIL blithely believes she's going to get a 'happily ever after' out of this. It's possible, but it's not a snow balls chance in hell probable. I hope she keeps that divorce lawyer's number on speed dial (and she better hang on to every shred of evidence she finds).
