Should I Be Concerned (Marriage)

If I am reading correctly he was texting about the night they slept together? If that's the case he should be in deep s**t. I am all or having friends of the opposite sex, most of mine are. However, going back to the time they had sex is way of limits. This is not normal and I would consider it cheating. I would minimally tell him to cut off all contact with her. If he puts up a stink I would ask what he thought her husband would think about that line of conversation. I would also send her a message that I would appreciate her no longer having communication with my husband and if she doesn't understand why, you can gladly forward her husband the texts messages where they were discussing there previous sexual escapades.

Ok,
First of all you should look at the fact he was hidding his messages from you. That is a big red flag. A married man should not be texting another women every day. If he continues to be sneaky about it, then you really should confront him about it. Communcation is very important in a situation like this.

You need to talk about it. Let him know that you saw the messages and are concerned. He should respect you enough, and if it is truly nothing, then there should be nothing wrong with him stopping the friendship. Communication is the key. I would think that he was definitely out of line, but this deserves a heartfelt discussion.

I would be concerned. I would not be OK, with my husband hiding something from me at all. Speaking about sex/a past sexual encounter, is completely inappropriate and wrong. She might initiate (that you know of), but he IS writing back. If he didn't want to talk to her, he would ignore her. I don't believe it's good for a marriage, for a husband to be texting another female (especially one w/ history) all day. Ask yourself, how would your husband react, if you were doing the same thing? My guess, he would be livid, that you're having sexual conversations with another man. This is not about being catty, but safe guarding you marriage. Speak with him about his ASAP. Avoiding fights, when something is going wrong, is very bad for a marriage. This needs to be nipped in the bud. His behavior is NOT acceptable.

He asked you point blank what you were looking at, you with a straight face and nonchalantly you said "your messages"? If that were me and I was in this situation I would have asked him about it right then and there. I would not have been able to hold back!! LOL!

You have a lot of self-control girl!

Talk to him now. Don't be confrontational or accusing. Talk to him and let him know you are hurt and feel deceived. What they are doing can affect both families and someone needs to put a stop to it.

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Being online is a real tightrope for some people. I think it allows them to flirt - but they also feel like there is a safety cushion of distance to it.

I totally get the idea of getting in touch on FB with someone you knew back in high school and used to date, etc. I have several FB friends who I dated and even a couple ex-boyfriends.

Only ONE guy I used to date tried the 'whoo, we were so hot together, are you still hot?" approach on me and I just told him nicely but firmly that it was great to be in touch with him again, but I was married and not into text- flirting! He apologized and to be honest, I don't hear from him much anymore, but I feel like he got the message and we parted on good terms.

The other people I used to date are all in relationships, just as I am. There is a certain amount of nostalgia that is acceptable IMO- saying " wow, what a great year or a great time we had' is one thing. Going into graphic details or even SUGGESTING that you want to do it again, is where I would draw the line. Unfortunately a lot of people can't seem to do that.

It seems to me that some people just can't bear to turn off another person's admiration. They are so happy to feel like someone still finds them attractive, or remembers them that way, that even if they are PERFECTLY HAPPY with their current relationship and have no intention of cheating, etc. they just can't stop and think and say " hey, this direction is not really where I meant to go with getting back in touch with you." Some people just see flirting as harmless, which it can be- but not when you have a partner whose feelings can be hurt by it.

I think you are going to have to fess up to looking at his phone. Just be straight about it and tell him you know it was an invasion of his privacy and you apologize for that. But- don't be intimidated, because the issue of the texting/flirting is still the bigger issue.

Tell him just how you felt when you saw the intimacy of their messages. That intimacy is something that should be reserved for his marriage, IMO. Ask him right up front if he is dissatisfied with your marriage and if he is considering having an affair with this woman? If he hotly denies it, tell him that you do not want to be suspicious, but even he would have to admit that those messages make it LOOK like he was interested in this other woman.

The ball is in his court at that point. I would not forbid him to speak to her or anything - that will backfire against you and besides, HE needs to be the mature one who can rein in his feelings to an appropriate level. I would ask that he send her a message saying that he feels their conversation got off track and while its great to talk with her and reminisce, that he really went a little too far flirting and he doesn't want to be anything but friends.

Good luck- don't let yourself be nervous- it is an awkward situation, but it sounds like you can head it off before real damage is done to your marriage!

I'm sure that someone else with better advice will pipe up, but my first thought is that while nothing has happened yet, he is definitely crossing the line into very dangerous territory.

Sit down and let him know your concerns and where you're coming from, and let him know what you're feeling. Try to be as unemotional (calm) and as non-judgmental as possible. But let him know that you're really concerned about this rehashing of their romantic relationship. Don't be accusatory if you can help it--that will close down the talk. Rehashing the "night of love" seems like a really, really bad idea.

If he's a decent guy, he may just need his eyes opened to the road he's starting to walk down, and that if he's happy with you, starting down that road is the way to being unhappy with you & you with him, and wrecking the good life you've built together....

Good luck, and G-d bless you.

Flattery is a trap that a seductive woman uses to lead men to their death. I would warn him and then leave it alone knowing that if I ever discovered the line had been crossed that would mean the death of our marriage or you could take the time to let her husband know what his wife is up to but let you husband know if he doesn't manage to handle this that you would simply be taking this route.

I'm very protective of our marriage and so is my husband. I'm naive at times and my husband has to explain to me what is going on right under my nose. Often this means that I have to behave and act in a different way but it is to the benefit of our marriage.

I hope this helps you.

I think that he is crossing into dangerous territory. Texting every day? There is no need to be communicating so frequently. Its great she has given advice on your child, but as a married man, he should know the boundaries and not cross them. Texting can turn into going to visit her for old times sake etc. then emotional cheating and then physical cheating. I would talk to him one on one and have a heart to heart. He may think this is harmless now, but it won't be down the line. There is bound to be some drama eventually with either secrets or telling her info about your marriage etc. Nip it in the bud quick!~

Good luck.

Molly

Ouch! I would see warning bells! If your husband is receiving excessive text messages, tries to hide things from you, and is having sexually explicit conversations with your husband, you have every right to be concerned! I wouldn't be nearly as concerned about your husband as I would about the other woman, though. By leaving his phone in your office where he knows you might read it, he's subconsciously asking for help, I think. From what I've seen, most men like attention from women, then they don't know what to do when it gets out of control. He's your hubby now, and she's got her own. She should be texting her own hubby, not yours. If your husband is asking about advice for your son, that's one thing, but if the conversation is getting intimate, then it's time to back off. Tell your husband about your concerns and how uncomfortable you are, and ask him to stop texting this woman and have him ask her to stop texting him. If he's uncomfortable, he can tell her it's because his WIFE is upset. Their relationship was a one night stand several years ago. He's your hubby now, and there are plenty of other places you can get information on you son's problems. Good luck! :)

I think you should talk to him. It may be crossing the line. Discussing your son's needs given her background is one thing. Discussiong the night they alsmost slept together would be a red flag for me. Sounds like you have an open relationship and good communication. Let him explain what is going on and go from there.

You need to protect your marriage. Period. I do not think it is wrong to look at his messages. I think it is prudent. It helps him keep his guard up against saying something inappropriate. It will help him to be honorable towards you. I don't understand why people think that they have no business looking at their husband's correspondence. My husband so appreciates it. We must be proactive in guarding our marriages from any breech. We need to actively protect it, not just assume that nothing will ever go wrong. We are all human, and susceptible to making bad decisions. You are one with your husband, so his correspondence is your correspondence--and visa-versa. Why do you think the divorce rate/adultery rate are so high? It's because we have this flakey idea that we are two individuals, not one flesh. You aren't in high school anymore. This is not a boyfriend. Make sure your husband knows that you love him and will not share him in any way with anyone else. It is good and healthy and right to expect his total loyalty to you and your marriage!

He needs to stop. My sister's husband connected to an old girlfriend on facebook. They started texting, emailing, etc. They work at the same place too so it's not like he can cut off all contact. My sister found some bad emails, one even asking him if his wife was asleep so he could come over (with her husband and four children upstairs!) All this while my sister was dealing with a type I diabetes diagnosis for her son. My sister called him at work after finding some graphic emails and he deleted the rest before she could see them so that just makes her wonder more! She found out they had been texting 4-5 times daily and he would call her from work He doesn't even call my sister-his wife from work. She shut down his FB with his permission, changed phone numbers, changed his email, told the girl to stop contacting her husband and contacted the husband of the girl her husband was talking too. They are still married but she doesn't trust him anymore. She is still considering leaving him because its just so much for her to deal with. How does she know he is where is says he is and not with the ex? I would ask him to stop texting her. I don't want to hurt you but this may be where his relationship is leading. He has already crossed the line. You've gotten some real good advise from some others. Hope things turn out better for you than they did for my sister. Good Luck.

That does not sound good to me. It's a long sting of messages, plus they are talking about their sexual encounter? Nope, not good. That has crossed the line from innocence and friendship into inappropriate and trust-breaking. It's gone too far. You need to have a long, uninterrupted talk to find out where things stand and what needs to happen. Then, you need to make sure it happens. This is a tricky situation that can go downhill fast.

Giiiirl!!!!!!!! You are stronger than me! Facebook connections is one thing, I've done it myself with ex's. A friendly email, reminiscing about HS fun and dating, but texting means that one of them went as far as to ask for a phone number! That is the point where it becomes no longer innocent. They don't need each others phone number!!! Please ask him to nicely lose contact with her, or those long stream emails are going to include..."what are you doing tonight", eventually! If he says NO, then you have your answer!

Wow, That is completely crossing the line. It's one thing to talk on FB about your son but to start texting and bringing up old sexual memories is so wrong! You need to talk to him, let him know what you saw and tell him it hurt you. I don't think they have any reason to be texting, period. Sexual memories or not. Now that he's given you a reason to doubt the trust you have for him, I think you need to continue to check in on him now and then. I am not that way with my husband but you better believe if he did that, I would change real quick. Good luck!

If that were me, with my husband I'd probably talk to him about it. Because I'm an emotional sort, I'd make sure I wasn't worked up first, and then I'd ask. If you trust him so much, which it sounds like you do :), then you'll be able to get the truth from him. I'd just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable to think that he's talking to her about things that are intimate all these years later. Explain you don't want ot have to snoop on his phone because you a) respect him and b) he's an adult, which is why you aren't reading his messages. However, he's left you in an awkward situation and you need him to level with you.

If he gets angry or puts up a wall you may need to be more concerned. If your husband is anything like mine, he's oblivious to the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. But not wanting to fight or being agreeable isn't helping, in fact all it's doing is making you unhappy. That makes you distust him, and probably without cause. Getting it out in the open with set you at ease and hopefully make it better. Also, if she's someone that's close in proximaty and you are really curious ask to meet her. Sometimes meeting the person, not the text message will sooth or alert anything you need answered.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

It is not good even to *appear* untrustworthy to one's spouse.

It is also not good to look at other people's mail or messages. So you may need to apologize to him for snooping.

However, talk to him. Ask him questions. How often do they communicate? Why? Does she text him first or does he text her? What does he like about being back in contact with her? You can think of others. You want to be curious, not mad. (Anger just turns off the communication. Curiosity keeps it going.)

In the days of long ago, it used to be that a wife would find a stack of letters from another woman secreted away at the back of her husband's sock drawer. Now it's text messages. But you don't quite know yet that this is a "sock drawer" thing. So ask questions! Be curious! (Let him be curious about your life, too.) That will help you to know whether you need just to be watchful, or whether you need to seek counseling.

I think I would talk with him directly about it.

My ex hubby cheated on me with a married mother of two when our child was 18 months. I left him for this very reason (and others related to it) and had to deal with a HUGE amount of suffering that is haunting me to this day.
It starts little and it usually gets out of hand. Men think can "control it" but they can't. Sharing intimacy and being confidants is the first step out of the marriage. Please, don't take it lightly. Talk to your hubby and make sure he is really committed to your marriage. I sadly found that being cheated on by a spouse leaves a deep, deep scar that never goes away even if you do forgive your husband (which I didn't do, but many of my friends did and they are still not happy). All the signs point toward that way...your hubby needs to recognize it and stop himself in time. My heart goes to you, marriage is hard and it takes two: makes sure he's on the same boat as you are. Good luck.

Definitely talk to him about what you read. I've been in your shoes, nip this in the bud and insist he cut off all contact with her, and NOW. If he argues with you about it, be assured that it has gone further than what you already know.
It's ok to be looking at his messages. In a marriage, you give up a certain amount of privacy, and you are entitled to know if something is amiss. You looked because you suspected something, and for good reason, not because you are paranoid and controlling. By leaving his phone with you, he knew all of this. Talk to him about it, tell him you are concerned and that you love him, that you want to work with him through this.
I hope the best for you.

I wouldn't be happy about this and I would feel hurt too. I would communicate with him. Let him know you read the txt and how you feel. Ask him why he would talk with her about something like that, and ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You don't want to keep your feelings bottled up and you don't want them to go too far on his end either. Maybe they wouldn't, but developing a relationship like that with the opposite sex opens up a door for all sorts of stuff to happen and he wouldn't realize it until it's too late.

I don't think it's wrong in any way to "snoop" if you have reason too, AND YOU DO! I'm sorry but if that were my husband, I'd be furious! What in hell does he need to be bringing up the past with this lady for?? Sure we all have old flings but no one should compare to what we have with our spouse and he should only love what you and him do together, not hang on to the past and remind someone how good they were!! That's total flirting and I would feel threatened by this woman, even if she's married, married women cheat and your husband could be making her feel "wanted" again by saying that stuff to her and rekindling an old romance like that when married is flat out wrong!! You need to demand he stop talking to her and if he doesn't then you know he wants more out of their "friendship"! There's many other people out there that can help you with your son's situation, especially one's that never had an old fling with your husband. Wake up and do something about that or consider saying good bye to your marriage!!

Uh, yeah... I would be concerned...

Be honest with him about how you feel. The two of you should have an open relationship...meaning that you can see/read his messages and he can see/read yours. Sometimes that past comes up between two people, it does not mean that they are going to start hooking up, did you ever discuss your past with an ex?
That being said...if he doesn't want you to see his messages or insists that you give him notice before you read them (so he can delete questionable ones) then he is not being open and honest.

If it makes you uncomfortable, ask him to cut off contact. If she is nothing to him that will be an issue, but if he fights to keep her than there may be reason for concern. Trust your gut on this and do whatever feels right.