Lack of Trust with Spouse

Sometimes men don't deal well with situations they can't "fix", sometimes grief is O. of them.

I think you need to (in a non-confrontational way) sit down, look him in the eye, and ask him. You will determine from his answer what is going on.

No need to go all Hawaii 5-0 on him and start calling numbers, following him, etc. That is a little on the pathetic (and paranoid) side. Talk to him face to face.

And go back to marriage counseling.

Are you financially ready to take the next step if you find out he's cheating? Can you afford the deposit for a divorce attorney? Can you support yourself (apartment, utilities, car/gas/insurance, food costs, etc.)?

Before you confront him or bring things to a quick, make sure you have an exit strategy and a way to support yourself. You might need some time to get everything in place. Be the spider that waits in the web.

Are you still in counseling right now? Did it seem to help at all? Whether you are or not right now, maybe you should call them up and see what they think. And if you are not happy with the services you received from them, maybe get find another counselor. It seems that you both have issues with communication if he is withdrawing and is not talking to you about it and you don't feel comfortable asking him about text messages (not to mention the fact that you feel the need to "spy" on him.). What about just asking him, point blank, about if there is something going on between him and this other woman (without mentioning that you accessed his text messages) and seeing how he reacts?

You might want to save your marriage, but does he?

Don't call the number!!!! Have some respect for yourself and your husband. It is not going to save your marriage if your are spying on him. Ask him outright. Tell him your suspicions. If you can't talk to him then your relationship is not going to work, as communication is THE key to a successful partnership. It may help to speak to him with a therapist there. It might help to write all your feelings down before speaking to him so you can work through exactly how you feel and come to him in a way that is loving and compassionate instead of distrustful and scared. He will respond better if he feels you are being reasonable. First decide how you feel, if this is working for you, what you can do to help your marriage. You can only control your own actions, so be sure about yourself and then speak to him.
I hope that helps. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, and I am sorry for your recent losses.
Hang in there and good luck!
J.

You have to take a chance and talk to him. You can only make it work with his participation. After the holiday, ask him to sit down and talk. You don't "try" counseling ---you both commit to making changes and working as a team UNTIL. If you don't click with one counselor, try another, but don't give up on it until you get the tools to keep your marriage strong and happy. If he won't go back, go alone. You may have to be strong and happy without him.

I hate to say it but it sounds like you already know what is going on. You should make sure before confronting him though. Call the number, find out for sure then think very hard about what you want to do. How long have you been maried? A lot of women say they cannot stay married if they are cheated on but are you that type of person? Is this the first time? Are you ready to throw away your marriage for a one time indiscretion? I am not saying you should brush it all away. If he is cheating you need to set an ultimatum and set up some type of plan to get your marriage back on track (counseling, etc.) It is going to take some time to forgive and you will never forget but it wil get better if you both try. You have some big decisions to make.

This is a hard one. Your intuition is telling you something is not right. I had this same feeling. I knew the texts were coming from a woman at his work, but he just said it was about work, or about training (he trained her in cross fit). I got uncomfortable (that my intuition was nagging at me), so I asked him to stop spending time with her outside of work. He got all offended and acted like I was attacking him, like I did not trust him. I dropped it, feeling bad I had made him feel untrusted. A couple of months later this woman's husband called me and said he also suspected an affair. I called my husband and told him about the call, and he once again assured me that I was his only one, and that he would investigate as to why this man would suspect such a thing. 2 hours later the man called me back, and told me that after hours of fighting, his wife had finally admitted the affair with my husband. I remained calm, called my husband and told him I was not calling to talk, I was simply calling to inform him that I knew about the affair, that she had admitted it, and that I was leaving him. His response was "I am sorry".
If you ask him about this without proof, he will more than likely say he is not cheating, even if he is. You do need to put this to rest for your own sanity. Start by talking with him, but if he denies and you still feel something is just not right, than do what you need to do to find the truth.

Blessed Be

Okay, if I was you I would wait for him to get home, make a special dinner and sit and have a good talk with him. Communication is the key in any relationship, you need to talk "not fight" or "arguee", talk, agree to disagree and see what you are both willing to do to recover your marriage.
If he is not willing to work at it with you, you can do all you want to and it may not work!, you need to compromise and work at it together. See if more counseling can help, a mariage counselor or even a pastor or minister can help you guys out.
Don't give up, do all you can, but remember that if he doesn't want to make it work, then it won't work. If he won't work on it and calls it quit, then dust yourself, put your head high and look forward to a new life and a new beginning. But most importantly, pray! pray for you, pray for him, pray for wisdom and guidance! Pray girl, just pray.
Blessings

Gosh you are going through very personal difficult times.. You actually sound a bit depressed.. Have you gone for a full physical? It may help to make sure nothing else is going on..

Also if you are not seeing any progress with the counseling, I would mention it at the next session. Be sure to explain your feeling that your husband "lack of understanding and support has been brutal." and be sure to mention "I feel as if I can't trust him and feel very suspicious of his frequent references about a woman in his office for over a year now." during these sessions. This is the place to "put it all out on the table."

It can be a safe place to sort through the toughest things you are facing. You may even want to call ahead and book more time for this session.. You may need to explain to the therapist why you feel you will need more time..

You have a right to be in mourning and I am sorry your husband cannot or will not be bothered.. He should be your best friend and be there for you during your worst times in your life.. I am sending you strength, and a healing heart..

I don't see how you can move forward and try to fix your message without finding out who he has been meeting while he says he's "at work". I wouldn't be able to let this go.

We hear so much how husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends are having affairs and their significant other never had a clue. I think that scares some people because they don't want to all of a sudden get hit with it so they are more cautious. This just happened in my family and I was floored when I found out about a relative having a relationship with someone at work. I would try to look up the number on white pages.com try the reverse number look up. Some times you can get a number or even area they live in. Sometimes not if they're numbers unlisted. Otherwise have someone else call it from a blocked number and say you found their number on your boyfriends phone or sons phone or something and see what info they give as to who they are.

I would use someones phone and call and ask for someone. Use the "I am sorry I called he wrong number. " If your happy with the outcome then talk to hubby. Have a romantic dinner and just talk. time to put fun back into your relationship. If your not happy with the outcome of the call. Sit him down and ask him to his face what is going on. Is there something he needs to tell you. Get to the bottom of his coolness. I wish you luck!

The signs are definitely there. You're marriage is at the crossroads. Before you dial the number, ask yourself if you are ready for the potential fallout? Confronting a cheating spouse is a challenge because they are going to lie... Simple "talking" is not going to make him stop. Once people have checked out of the relationship, it sometimes takes a jolt to either close the door or come back inside it. People leave their spouses all the time, they realize that the grass was NOT greener and often go back. We can't tell you what to do. I've been in your shoes and I did call the number. Yes in hindsite it was pathetic but I did find out the truth. My mistake was making idle threats. Don't put him out only to lethim return the next day. Don't threaten to leave and not go. Going back on your own threats sends the message that his behavior will be tolerated and that you do not have the conviction to mean what you say. If he is having an affair, he may stop or choose to resume it. Remember, cheaters are often more sorry once they're caught. If they really felt bad, they would have stopped or never started right? Good luck and stay strong! This too shall pass.

It sounds like he is cheating on you I'm not sure that without lot of work your marriage will come back. You have to talk to him and find out what is going on. If he is cheating on your for over a year are you sure this is someone you want to sty married to? Good luck!!

Follow your gut and call the number...from a friends house. Rip this fear off like a band aid. Then make a plan to do something about it when you know more.

Nothing is worse than being married to someone who you can't trust.