Sister in Law Problems (Please Help)

man,im going through the same problem as you! my inlaws always let my husbands niece and nephew get away with everything,treating my kids like brats,ext. we're actually going through a hard time right now because of them and are probably going to divorce. i dont know whats up with these men taking their familys side over someone they CHOSE to marry but it doesnt seem like it gets better.i've been dealing with this for almost 5 years. sorry im no help just wanted to let you know,im right there with you :(

Hi DS:
Its difficult to give a response,when we all know, there are (two sides) to every story.I can tell you what I'd do,assuming I didn't do anything to instigate this issue with your sister inlaws.You cannot ask,suggest,or order your husband,to abandon his obvious close family ties.These are his siblings. Immature, vindictive,it doesn't matter. They played a large role in his life growing up and he's not going to allow anyone to tear those ties he shares with them apart. You are wasting your energies, expecting him to choose between his love for his sisters and you. (Fruitless.)You need to work on strengthening your marriage.Instead of pleading for him to make sacrifices,that he can't make.That he shouldn't have to make. You need to work on making your relationship stronger.If you will do this, your husband will naturally feel a LOYALITY to you. Instead of feeling he has to defend his relationship with his sisters,he will soon become more protective of you,and your reputation. I would allow my husband to take my child to family get togethers,without me. There is no reason,for your child to live without family,because of differences you have.You need to allow him the opportunity,to know his family,and eventually, as he grows,he will draw his own conclusions,and feelings about them.Don't give those,who spread falsehoods,the gratification,or acknowledgement, They crave.Don't nag,or look to your husband for sympathy,rather Be the (BETTER PERSON)and give them all the room they need to make fools of themselves. There will be plenty of times,you have to bite your tongue,but YOU will be the better for it. Please Don't make the mistake of quizing your son after visits,or look for negative feedback,or you cheat him of the Love he needs from family. If I were you, I'd stay my distance,stay away from My Space,and the cruel, nasty remarks intended JUST for YOU.And work on some romantic evenings out with your husband!I wish you the best.J. M

Hi D,
There are so many unknowns in this situation.
The one, thing that I did hear is that everyone seems to be sitting in their own stew of anger, resentment, and fear, and acting from that place, which of course is never going to create any peaceful solution.
What is your intention here? Is it to win out over someone else, or is it create peaceful and loving relationships? I would suggest defining your intention, and then working on what you can do that is in alignment with what you say you want. No matter what you want in the relationships - to stay or to go, it's important to help yourself deal with the feelings that you have around this (believe me, I can understand feeling frustrated and angry). The point is, that no matter what, those feelings will need to be healed with you for your own peace. I'm not saying that the others shouldn't do the same (I recommend this for everyone on the planet to do), it's just that I'm talking to you right now. Ultimately, we can only be responsible for ourselves and our own choices. If you choose love, and do what you can in your life to make loving choices, and to resolve feelings that don't come from love, then you will create love in your life.
Someone here will need to take the high road and speak up for resolving things if that is what is desired. Perhaps you and your husband could start with some counseling to get this worked out between you first, and get your relationship solid. I think that some good guidance and professional insight could be really helpful. Plus, having a neutral 3rd party make suggestions can take the heat off of you.
I know it's not easy. I'm sorry your situation has progressed to this. But, take the high road, choose love, and look to contribute to a solution, not just adding to more of the same.
All the best,
M.

In a perfect world your husband shouldn't have to ask your permission to visit his family, no matter how you get along with them. In fact...I would be happy he was doing it alone and didn't force me to go! However...are you considering throwing your marriage away just because of the family or are there other issues? If there are other issues and this is just icing on the cake and as the other poster put it....you can't trust him to not blab your problems and make you look like the bad guy then I would say enough is enough. If he is making you out to be the bad guy in your trying times it is only adding fuel to their fire and if he can't see that then maybe it's time to step away. Howeveer...everyone has someone they vent to, maybe he just needs to understand his sister isn't a safe person to vent to because of what she does to you. But if your only issue is his family you need to come to an agreement about that. Don't leave him because you dislike the sisters....it effects a lot more than just you to make that decision.

It makes me sad to see so many people advising you to dump your husband, get a lawyer, etc. Sheesh, no wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country! No marriage is without its bumps. Every marriage takes work, and this is one of those times when you're gonna have to do a little work. Men can be utterly clueless sometimes as to how their actions affect others, especially when it comes to the women in their life. At the same time, they can be very protective of their moms and sisters because that is how they were raised to be. You have to train them to put you and your immediate family first. But you should try to do so without issuing any ultimatums that would require him to sever ties with his birth family, unless it gets so bad that that's the only option. It doesn't sound like you've exhausted your options yet, not by a long shot. It's time to be direct with your husband, let him know how you feel and point out where his sisters are being hurtful. You also need to be strong with his sisters AND BE THE GROWNUP. Don't sink to their level. When they are being catty, hold your head up high and don't react. Just smile at your husband. Try to find little ways to make sure he sees what they're doing without you actually having to tell him -- or tell him in a light-hearted way, almost like a joke. ("Did you happen to catch what so-and-so said at the barbecue? Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard!") Keep your tone light, not accusatory, and just let the message sink in over time. Then when you sense he's starting to get it, sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Ask him if he thinks he could stand it if he was the recipient of such behavior. Ask him if he thinks it's fair to you and try to enlist his help on how to end it. DO NOT tell him he can't see his family -- of course he'll sneak around your back, they're his family. Let him go, and maybe once in awhile insist on going too. If you can go and keep up that smile and don't give them any fodder, they might just see that they're not getting to you and ease off. Good luck.

Hi DS,

I am sorry you are going through this...I can't say anymore than the honest truth about it, it SUCKS!

It seems all too often one little thing triggers these things and then it is on for a lifetime battle, which seems silly enough, but it is all hurtful.

I had similar issues with a boyfriend's whole family years ago. They would do any stupid little thing, which at first didn't bother me, but in the end did get the best of me. It is hard when you can't return the ball with the same strength. I was the recipient of an underhanded jab every time I visited, or if I spoke, the brother would say who is talking to you, or one time on a visit the dad hugged everyone but me...he just sat back down when he got to me (hahaahaha what the hell!). I finally got tired of it and said I can't take this anymore and let him know he was part of a very strong nit family and I wasn't doing it anymore. I quit visiting them for a while, but it still managed to happen. The sister asked if I wanted to earn extra money and drive her kid around and clean the house and the mother would drive past the house and turn her head as soon as she got close enough to see who I was. I would extend my arm out and waive anyway, but not once did she ever waive back. Again, I say small things, but they eventually got to me and I went away. Of course he asked me to come back with a promise he would be sure it wouldn't happen, but I was in shock when I saw the sister and she asked me to come back and she invited me to lunch. This made me giggle inside because she was one of the ones who made some of the sharpest comments.

So now I am married for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with my MIL and not so wonderful with my (FIL) who are divorced. I used to drive to CA and stay with her alone, without my husband...that is how well we got along. Later, my MIL would go for a ride with me and ask questions about her and my hubby's relationship. I would answer, but then she would explode and go off. It was all very strange. So I would distance myself from her and gave her the opportunity to tell me to grow up because that was long ago. Once I became pregnant it was really on and from there on we have not gotten along. I discovered she was telling my husband one sided stories and he was really angry because I was so mean to his mother. Even when some of it happened in front of him, he said, "I didn't notice". So, we finally had a blow out over it. She would say mean things to me over the phone and I would hand the phone to him, sometimes midstream. She would just suddenly be yelling at him. And now, sadly, I report everything to him. They actually all (MIL, FIL, Step MIL, and brother) ganged up on me during the babies 2 YO party, fortunately I have my family here with me so I had someone to talk to. That was the MIL's doing, however they all followed. Even my hubby agreed that they all had a pow wow talking about me. I am the type person who will take a lot of BS and then finally one day I am done. The step MIL has cried, sends cards, and says I wish..., but I have no interest in being close to anyone who can listen to a one sided conversation and turn against me including my husband.

My husband now realizes, we (MIL) don't get along, I don't want her in my house alone with me, I refuse to stay at her house but I will visit, and that my phone conversations with her are limited. I think what really helped me was handing him the phone and walking away so he could hear the things she would say to me. I am sure she was so embarrassed, but that is her problem.

So yes, it is common for these things to happen. You have to stick up for yourself and when that doesn't work, I can not be the one to tell you that you have to try harder or get thicker skin because I have not been the one to put up with it.

BTW, the same thing happened to my own wonderful mother and terrific grandmother. I never noticed there was a problem until I was married. My mother used to just drop me off over there and never mentioned a word they weren't getting along.

So find a way to put an end to it, address this with your husband some how, and try you hardest to leave the kids out of it.

Best of luck.

DS,
I'm really sorry to hear about your problem. However, I have to disagree with everyone telling you to get out of your marriage. No one wins by leaving. Kids will be hurt, friendships will change, etc. There is no winning...just a lot of hurt.

You really don't have a problem. They do. They are the problem. First, don't bother looking at the myspace. They must really be ugly inside to do this to you.

I found that really letting it go and truely giving it to God to fix the problem really does work. It is the most difficult thing to do. But once you quite analyzing it, thinking about it...because it drives you crazy...God fixes it.

This past year, I went through some really crazy stuff. But God fixed it all and it is way better.

If you have time, listen to this audio from 2/8/2009.
http://www.northcoastcalvary.org/nccc_audio.html

I think you may find it helpful and encouraging.

I would be happy to listen to you if you need someone just to bounce stuff off of. I don't want you feeling hopeless and alone.

My recommendation is that you log onto site Landmark Education. Landmark is a personal development for anyone, including children. They have courses that you can take to develop yourself as a person. It will help you better communicate your needs and wants and have them met. I stress, not just communicating your needs and wants, But also having them met.

There is a Gandhi saying "You be the change you wish to see in the world."

So if somewhere in your life there is somethihg not working for you. Even if you didn't cause it. Be the cause of the change.

If you have any questions about Landmark Education, you may contact me at ____@____.com. I've been taking personal development seminars off and on with them since 1997.

Success to you,

N.

Okay, I am slightly confused...did nothing happen to warrant this treatment? They just all of a sudden started hating you and treating you like this? I just ask because it seems like this treatment would have been caused by some kind of action, and therefore be backlash.

It's tough because they are family too. My son's father and I had a great relationship away from our families. I did not get along with his family, nor he with mine. But, the bottomline is that family, esepcially when it comes to siblings and parents. I totally understand how you feel, the lies and the covering up is awful to deal with...especially when you know it's a lie. My ex- was very adament that his family was important and me the same, at any rate it contributed a lot to our fighting and eventual seperation.

What I suggest you do is sit down with your hubby and talk WITH him, not at him, about the situation. Ask him what he thinks you can do together to make this easier for everyone. Make him a part of the solution and not the problem...he'll start to feel cornered and like he has to make choices and, rash decisions can be terrible. Explain to him how this is effecting your relationship from your perspective. See if you can come to an understanding about spending time with his sisters and having him approach them about taking it easy on the childish behavior.

In my opinion, while Myspace is great for keeping in touch with family members and friends, it became one big headache for me...friends of my ex- doing something very similar to your hubby's sisters. So, I didn't give them the satisfaction of getting to me and got rid of my page and stopped looking at the site altogether.

You got married for a reason and it's important that you give your family a shot to thrive under the right circumstances. If you must walk away make sure it's because your heart is truly in that decision and not out of anger or spite. You must do what is best for you and your child, and not worry about whos 'wins' or 'loses'...in a sense the only one losing is your child because memebers of his family are behaving as adults.

Be brave and be strong, but talk to your husband and see where he stands...don't worry you'll do what's in your heart and what is right for your little one.

Good Luck! Please let me know if you need to chat...

Deanna

Hi D S,

Describe "winning", please. It seems to me that you "win" if you're happy and secure, if you don't have someone determined to be your enemy, and if you can live in peace.

With that in mind, I suggest that you seek out a good marriage counselor as your first step and address the issues with the in-laws with your husband on neutral ground. You need to get to the root of why this problem started in the first place. If you were all such good friends growing up, what changed? Usually it will be some action from both sides, rarely are these types of feuds unilateral.

If you really want to save your marriage it will take some deep soul searching on your part and your husband's. A therapist will guide you through this. You will need to confront your own possible role in the battle, and your husband will need to understand how this is affecting you and the marriage, and ultimately your child. He may feel seriously caught in the middle between several people he loves and simply does not know what to do. He clearly wants to keep his relationship with his sisters, but he knows it's hurtful to you so he does it without your knowing. That you make a point of finding out probably causes you and your relationship more harm than good.

As for the myspace, I suggest you ignore it. Why continue to view something that is hurtful to you? It is a bully tactic like any other, just a bit more hi-tech. As with any bully, if you don't give them the power they're seeking, they are likely to eventually give up.

Once you and your husband have explored all of the issues and found ways to resolve them, you will need to try to bring the in-laws into the counseling with you. They will also need to understand their feelings, why they are doing what they're doing, and the harm it is causing to their brother. (They don't sound like they're going to be sympathetic toward you and your son, so start by addressing the part of the family they DO care about). At some point, if your husband really wants to preserve your marriage, however, he will have to take a stand against his sisters, assuming it's justified. If he shows them that he supports you, they might eventually get the message and give up. I do say might, however. My cousins have been in a similar situation for over 20 years. Family disagreements are so sad!

It sounds like a tough and complex situation. I wish you all the success in the world in finding a satisfactory resolution.

My grandmother was a horrid person to me and my mother, but loved my sister and my father. My mother finally walked away from the situation. Told my dad that she(my mother) would not associate with his mother. My mother also left. She took me and my sister to san fran and left my father. My father had to make the decision on whether he wanted to be married or if he wanted to be a momma's boy. He walked away from my grandmother for about 7-10 years. My grandmother finally started to relax, but it took her going blind and she was still sneakily horrid.
My point is that some people are naturally horrible. It sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband and say something like, 'I know you love your sisters, but this is how they are treating me, this is how it makes me feel. I want nothing to do with them. I want my son to have nothing to do with them. If you have to be in contact, I need you to tell me the truth so we can go from there. The sneaking and lieing are not appropriate.'
You need to decide how far you are willing to let this go. Don't forget, though, that this is his family and he does love them, and they may truly love him and that is why they don't like you. It doesn't excuse them, but do try to see where they are coming from too...
Good luck
R.

I guess I'm a bit confused as to exactly what decision you need to make. You said if you stay or if you walk away, you will either win or lose. Are you talking about divorcing your husband just because he continues to have a relationship with his sisters? If you don't want to have a relationship with them, and it sounds as if they don't want one with you, either, then that is easy. Just don't see them. But are you asking your husband to choose between his sisters and you? It seems that he "sneaks" around to see his own sisters because he's afraid of your reaction. And why torture yourself by looking at her myspace page? Why do you think she put pictures of her brother on there? Just to bother you, seriously? He is a part of her life and always will be. It doesn't seem odd for her to put his picture on there.

Again, I'm confused as to what decision you think you need to make. Best advice: avoid your sister-in-laws since they seem to cause you so much anguish. Let your husband continue to have a relationship with his sisters, and leave it at that. If you try to force him to choose between you and them, you could end up with an answer that you really didn't want.

Family situations, especially in-laws, are difficult, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with them, or avoid the people you don't care to be around. You can't make everyone like you, and sometimes that is harder for some people to accept than it is for others.

This is a job for Dr. Laura. I think you need to call her radio program. I would like to hear what she has to say about this. She really is straight forward about what she thinks. I think your husband is not married to his sister he is married to you. He can't be loyal to you if he is loyal to them. When two countries are at war, and if you were fighting the enemy, and then made trips over to the enemy behind your countries back, you would be called a trader. Does your husband understand that? Good luck on this. Call Dr. Laura and let me know what she said.
M. R.

I recommend that you check out a program that saved my marriage. It is called Retrouvaille. You can learn more at retrouvaille.org. It's roots are in the Catholic church, but I am not Catholic, and, let me assure you, they are not there to convert anyone. They welcome people from all backgrounds. Their only goal is to SAVE marriages.

Your marriage is between you and your husband. Very few people have a complete support system from in-laws.

You owe it to your little boy to try everything to make your marriage better. This program works miracles. I have seen so many marriages not only saved but healed into healthy loving relationships. My husband and I went a year ago after being separated for 6 months. Now our marriage is better than ever. We are still involved in the program because we really believe it works miracles.

You can find dates in various cities on the web site. However, I know that the Santa Clarita community is having a weekend on 2/20. I think it costs $150 to register. You are there from Friday evening til Sunday afternoon. Your room and meals are covered.

Take care. Sorry for the long reply.

Hi DS

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Having a difficult relationship with in laws is not new. Your decision to distance yourself from them is understandable and I personally don't think there is a problem with that.

In my opinion, it is also not a problem for your husband to continue a relationship with his sisters, provided any discussions about you are off limits or he defends you if they have anything negative to say.

The thing that bothers me about this situation is that he lied to you about seeing them. If you cant't be honest with each other about this, then how can you trust him completely?

Please don't get caught up in what myspace says or anything else. That stuff is not important. And please don't get caught up with who "wins".

We all make choices and each choice has a consequence. The sooner you can stop wasting energy on what other people think or what other people are doing, the more you will enjoy your life and that is the greatest satisfaction ever. In that way, you will "win".

Your relationship with your husband is more important than anything else except being true to yourself (including your relationship with God) and taking care of your child.

Discuss your concerns with your husband. Remind him that his sisters told you they want to destroy your relationship. Ask him how he feels about it.

Then ask him if he is willing to solidify the foundation of your marriage with you by always being open and honest wth you. The two of you united together is stronger than his sister's intentions.

I wish you all the best.

Blessings,
R.

Take those biches out of your life now!!!!!

I have the same problem with my sister in law. She is very manipulative.

Try to talk to your husband in a nice way and explain your feelings because he is the one it should do dome thing about it. Good luck to you

Marietta

my addvice to you is gat counceling with or without your husband you dont have to be made miserable by this good luck dont let this brackup an otherwise good marrage good luck. my marrige has lasted 60 years kiss and make up it takes a lot of give and take to make it last good luck and love from a 85 year old weoman with 4 children and 7 grandchildren love A. in no hills

Dear DS,

This sounds like a problem for Dr. Laura--seriously. I'd call her: 1-800-DRLAURA

You haven't said why your in-laws went from being your best friends to "hating" you. Why? Why would they want to break up you and your husband? The whole myspace thing is weird.

It's interesting to me that you haven't said whether or not your husband sticks up for you--I'm guessing not if he is lying to you about visiting with them. I think that is the bigger problem. Yes, they are his family, and yes, he should be able to see them, but it seems odd that he would want to considering that they are hurting you so badly. His priority should be your feelings first.

I'd talk to your husband about this first, in as non-defensive a way as possible.

Seriously, though, call Dr. Laura. I don't always agree with what she says, but it seems like she has good advice when it comes to family stuff like this.

Good luck to you!
D.

Don't make your husband choose. Yes, he loves you. Yes, he chose you. But, they will always be his family, and he's had them for longer than he's had you. Give him your permission to see his sisters, but make it clear that you then expect him to stick up for you if any trash-talking starts. Right now, they get the thrill of knowing he lies about seeing them, and they get to gloat that he loves them more. He feels pushed and controlled. If you say, "OK, see them whenever you want," it gives them, and him, no reason to resent you for "being controlling" and wanting to keep them apart. You get to be the bigger person, and make it clear that any problems don't begin with you.

In my family, I know what it's like when adults want little to do with the kids because of issues between adults. Don't worry, it's OK, as long as your son knows YOU and YOUR HUSBAND love him.

I also know of instances in which the family loves, loves, loves someone as long as a couple is dating, but suddenly can't stand anything about them once the couple is engaged. It makes no sense to me, but I've seen it over and over. They go from, "She (or he) is just like a member of the family," to not being able to stand anything about the person virtually overnight. It's like saying, "You're fine for fun and games, but not good enough to join our family." Just realize that it has NOTHING to do with YOU. I've seen parents and siblings do the same thing to everyone their son (or daughter or brother or sister) dates or marries. I have a family member who's been through the same thing over and over, and finally gave up on getting family approval, because it will NEVER happen. Let it go and don't worry.

Don't join in their war. Focus on your own life, not what's wrong with theirs. Don't let it get to you! Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear about all that you're going through. You need to make the decision as to what's best for you and your son. It's not about whether they win or lose if you choose to leave. Your husband needs to stick up for you and tell his childish sisters that they need to back off. They are his sisters, but you are his wife and mother of his child. When you are miserable, your son picks up on that and that is not okay. Your son deserves to have a happy "mommy!" If your husband can't see how much this is hurting you, then maybe you need to seriously let him know what is at stake here. It's either you & your son or his sisters. It's not a win or lose situation, it's your happiness & sanity. Make him understand how you feel.
Hopefully something I said will help you. Good luck and stay positive.

I feel your pain, i have been with my hubby for 29 yrs next month and have a sis in law problem too..... from one generation to another... you married him not them..... let him go visit them and as much as it tears you up inside smile and be kind to them.... rise above the situation and think about spending this energy on loving your husband.... you married him , now trust him to spend time with his siblings with our with out you..... be up front withhim and tell him you will not tolerate games and his not being honest with you..thats the deal breaker ...

hope that helps ( i have so muchmore i can say but its late and im falling asleep... if you want to email me off this site my private email is ____@____.com... :) hope that helps even alittle)

B

I feel bad for you and know a little of what you are experiencing. Your husband, when he took his vows with you, promised to love you! You and your child are to come first. If he cannot support and back you, then before more damage is done, you and your child need to leave and take care of yourselves. Your safety and well being come first. Do you have family that you could stay with for a time? Also, you might consider keeping a journal and documenting all these events with dates and times. That will come in handy at a later date. Remember, thhis - it is Not about winning or losing. It is about protecting you and your child since your husband is not.
I wish you the very best!
Beth

Maybe its time to relocate... SIL can make your life miserable... and if your marriage will survive and your husband loves you then maybe its time to distances yourselves from them a bit more...

Sad thing is your child is loosing out on his extended family but if that's what needs to happen in order for your marriage to work and continue together then you need to make a decision...

Your husband also needs to wake up and smell the coffee b/c if he loves you then he needs to stop being so blind and realize the evil where it is coming from...

On the other hand, if you feel & see that he is not on his marriage side then maybe he is looking for a way out and is not ready to start his own family...

good luck and i will be praying for you...

Don't walk, run... straight to a lawyer.

The only thing I can suggest is a heart-to-heart. It will be hard, but talk honestly with the SILs and see what their problem is. Maybe you unknowingly did something for which you can ask forgiveness. Maybe you do something they don't like that can be changed. Who knows? Find out.
Perhaps your husband is complaining about petty things. I know my mom gets really upset over the littlest things and holds grudges. So I NEVER tell her anything about our relationship that is remotely negative, because long after I'm "over it", she'll still be upset with him. So, maybe he's complained about something, they're harboring ill feelings. If that's the case, then you need to talk to him about only saying "positive" and "encouraging" things about you and your relationship.
Maybe you can ask them if you can put it all behind you and start fresh.
It's worth a shot - before walking away from it all!
Good luck and God bless!

Dear friend,
I have one mother in law and 3 sisters in law and they have been my only problem whithin last couple years that we married. Once he tried to support me against his mother, all his family started bothering him a lot. He loves them too much and that fight realy hurt him. I love my husband and I am sure that he loves me too so I will never quit. If you love your husband fight for him, but be smart use your mind and be relaxed. I mean don't let them bother you. Sometimes thier behaviour come to my mind and bothers me, the only solution is to forget their behaviour. Think in a way that they don't even exsit for you. Just think about your husband and do whatever he likes, this way he doesn't see any need to go to them. I enven invite his family once a month and cook for them to make my husband happy while I haven't seen any respect or attension from them at all.
Good luck

I think you need to first address the problems you have with your husband. He should be free to visit members of his family and should not by lying about it. If he's lying, you need to address that and decide what the parameters are. Maybe you'd rather not know when he visits - so you don't think about it and it doesn't stress you out, but if you ask, he shouldn't lie.
Second, he needs to stand up for you with his family. If they are posting fake myspace pages, he needs to gather the family and discuss what it going on. It might be better to air all the "dirty laudry" and get it out in the open and then to make boundaries in which you agree to be respectful to each other and not to continue the wretched relationships you have now.
Good luck!

Wow, what awful women, and I don't blame you for being angry when your husband does not support you. Run, don't walk, to a really good therapist for some couples therapy. If your husband won't go with you then go alone. If you have a clergy member your husband respects you might try meeting with them.

To me the only issue is your husband lying to you. While his sisters are stone cold beasts he can't control what they do. Personally I'd ignore them, and block myspace on your computer (just in case you're tempted) If you just can't do that I'd contact myspace and tell them you're being harassed. Given what they just went through they might respond to your needs. Frankly, ignoring them is going to bug them more than engaging in their ugly pettiness. Clearly they're low quality drama queens. Why involve your self with them?

It's not about winning and losing, it's about finding a path for a happy fulfilled life. Perhaps if you framed it that you the options may become clearer to you.

Good luck!

Your story is unbelievable. How hateful they sound! It sounds like you have confronted your husband and he has not sided with you, as he should, unless you have done something to alienate his sisters?? Perhaps you should just let him visit them, but obviously not go along with him and don't send the kids...because, after all, half of your kids IS you...and they don't like YOU. You have to try to make it work with your husband because your son deserves an intact family. I would try to get him into some couples therapy with a reputable therapist. I don't know where you live, but if you are in the Pasadena/Glendale I know someone wonderful.

You have my prayers.

I'm sorry to hear that your extended family is in this situation.

It sounds as though several members of the family are acting in a passive-agggressive way. The family would benefit by being forthright with its thoughts and feelings and developing social skills (tact) instead of sneaking around behind each other's backs. It also sounds as though several family members have not yet become comfortable tactfully voicing their concerns and wishes.

It is very hard, if not impossible, to change others. However, YOU can do some things to improve the situation.
First, act openly, honestly and tactfully. Ask yourself the following questions: Why do I need to "peek" on someone else's myspace page. Why do I feel uncomfortable confronting my husband openly about my discovery. Do I have any idea why my in-laws hate me? Answers to these questions might guide you in making wise decisions.

It helps not to think of interpersonal dynamics in terms of winning and losing (one person winning and the other person losing). If you approach things with that mentality, most likely everyone will lose. I think that the family would greatly benefit from compromise on the part of all parties.

I also think that your family (you, your husband and your in-laws) might benefit from family and couple's therapy. The fact that your in-laws were your friends while you were growing up bodes well for your family.

Your son and other kids in your extended family will benefit from you acting in a mature, thoughtful, confident, honest and tactful manner. I think that in this case, it may be up to you to set the tone for the family. It may be hard work to do all these things and you may have to persist and exercise patience, but if you do, you will help the younger generation become emotionally healthy people who develop healthy relationships.

Good luck!
Lynne E

I believe that there has to be a united front between husband and wife! That is a non negotiable! Sneaking around and doing things behind a spouse's back is NEVER okay no matter how little it is! If you can't be upfront about it then it shouldn't happen! In relation to the SIL's I don't even know what to say about that! That is a terrible thing to have to go through! I would cut ties! That kind of behavior is not okay for your son to be around! You and your husband are a family, your own unit! He is supposed to leave and cleave to you!
E.

Dear D S,
I would confront my husband and let him know that his actions are hurting me and our marriage. and yes you do have two options. If you leave they would have motive to take your son away, but if you stay and fight for your marriage it's worth it. I suggest to you to write everything down with dates and times and print anything that they do to you, if you do leave remember that your are a toght woman and your fighting for your son 1st in your life. Also let your husband know that your his wife and he should back you up! agains all odds if he really loves you! Good luck! I hope the best for you and son!
D.;)

Hello!

So sorry that you have to endure this kind of horrible behavior from your SIL. I suggest you be cordial if you ever have to see them. Put your time and energy into loving your husband and your baby, and keep conversations about his sisters to a bare minimum. Talk about your frustrations regarding them with a friend instead. Thay are still his family and you can't come between them. I believe if you stop most talk about them, it will allow him to see them for who they really are. If you are discussing them, then it makes you look bad & petty. You need to let your husband know that it is okay for him to see his sisters. He probably lied about it because he was afraid of your reaction. So unless they do somthing directly to you, don't discuss them. Also, don't look at the myspace stuff, it is only distructive and they are doing exacly what they want to do, which is to upset you. Don't take their bait!

So from now on try to ignore them and put your energy into your marriage in a possitive way. I think you'll see great results from your husband when you just focuss on loving him!

This insn't about winning or losing. It's about you keeping focuss on your family, your marriage, and loving your man. I don't believe they can tear your marriage apart if you don't let them.

If you stop being apart of it, their game is over. And you have the power!

Please update us on how this goes.

Remember, be the bigger person!

You are asking yourself the wrong questions. Your situation is not about letting your sister-in-laws win or lose. The question you should be asking yourself is how much do I love my husband and how much do I want this marriage. Because quite frankly the problem is coming from home. if your husband refused to tolerate the way his sisters treat you, they wouldn't do it. he married you because he loves you. he needs to start backing that up. AND STOP PARTICIPATING IN THE PETTY MUDSLINGING!

Here's a little something to keep in mind: Relationships are VERY easy to walk away from. It takes effort to keep one and make it last.

I wish you the very best of luck with your situation. I am currently living with a very similar problem. It takes iron will power not to get bent out of shape over the things that they do just t piss you off.

God, DS...how could you possibly live this way? Have they ever given you a reason why they don't like you? Do they have good reason to feel the way they do? You haven't mentioned anything regarding their reasons. Anyway, you just can't subject your child to these behaviors.(yours or SIL) I have a hard time believing that it is only one sided.
As, far as your husband goes, I'm sure he didn't tell you about the visits because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. He has every right to see his family, BUT the way he want about expressing his feeling (I don't have to tell you where I go) shows some lack of respect on his part. That is also a problem. Maybe he got mad because he thinks that you should not put him in a situation where he feels he needs to chose between you and his blood. You just can't make him feel that way. You may hate them to death, but family always prevails. (yes, I understand that he has a child with you and that is his family too)
Sounds like it is just not going to work out unless you all back up and do some forgiving and forgetting. Try to be that better person and patch things up. It's not fair that your husband is in the middle. If that doesn't work (or you just can't do it), move on and be happy somewhere else. Very sad situation.
Good luck!

D.S., have you and your husband gone to counseling? If you haven't, I think you really need to go. If he won't go with you, then you need to go for yourself. Just from the paragraph you wrote there are some obvious significant issues that need to be explored and dealt with. An impartial party is essential- not only for your relationship- but also for your peace of mind.

I would suggest that you get marriage counseling before you think about walking. (Take it from a divorce attorney) Divorces are messy and the kids almost always end up suffering to some extent.

The question isn't "what do you do w/ his sisters", the question is R U willing to play hard ball?
1. Confront your husband, let him know how you feel and if he loved you, he would have the "talk" w/ his sisters.
2. Confront the sisters, tell them how you feel and how you don't appreciate what it is their doing and that in the long run, the one that would be hurt is the boy.
If those 2 things don't work. R U ready to walk?
The most important part of a marriage is the love between the husband and the wife. Not to mention the responsibility of the two of you to have each others back, thru everything. He needs to understand and relize that. If he doesn't, I would question, just how much he loves you. When we take our vowles as husband and wife "forsaking all others" doesn't only mean cheating on one another, it means everything.
Yes! I have had this problem, but it was his sister (1) and his Mother. I basically did the strong arm bit, gave my husband the choice, them or us. He put them in their place and everything worked out well. There is always going to be tention and hard feelings, but that's better then continuing what's going on now, you know.
I would take first step and tell them how you feel, very strongly, start w/ your husband.
Good luck

DC,
I don't even know what to say about this. But what I have to say doesn't matter, it's what you have to say that counts. Maybe you should journal so you could figure out exactly how you feel about this situation. Connect with your inner voice inside that is saying "Run for the hill!" Or maybe its saying "We can work this out!" It's all up to you. Then once you know what you want you can tell him. This sucks, I am sorry you have to go through this.
Good luck and stay stong! You're worth more that this.
C.

First of all contact myspace. Making a false ID online is a crime in some states now. Next consult a lawyer. You may need to get a restraining order. There is something going on here that you are not telling us. You are giving them power by being miserable. Don't let them have that power. I think you need a spiritual advisor. Do you have a minister, priest, or rabbi that you can talk to? You also need to sit down with your husband and have a real heart to heart with him. Ask him if he really wants to be married and a father to your child. Does he want your child to grow up with only a part-time father? When he married you he was supposed to "forsake all others." Also show him your remarks above. It might actually give him a jolt. If it doesn't, maybe you didn't marry a good man. There are some facts missing here. Best of luck.

sounds like the one who has to make a decision is your husband. He needs to make a stand for his family (you and your son). Either accept you as a unit or sever the ties to his family (sil, etc). That is so sad that they would take their anger out on your son who through no fault of his own has been caught in the middle. You may have to give him an ultimatum. Life is hard enough without the extra stress. This decision is easier said than done...I wish you the best.

well that is just a crappy issue. i feel the same way with my husbands parents (only i can stand to be around them time to time). his mom is crazy saying i neglect my child and they play mind games. so they see very little of my child. heres what i would do in your situation. dont force your husband to stay away from his family. tell him he can go over there if he wishes but your child is not to be around them. the myspace thing is petty and shows that they are childish to try to make you think your husband is cheating. did you show him that page and the messages. i would keep your child as far away as possible. they arent people to trust and your right for not trusting them. to try and make peace just send a card on the needed holidays and birthdays and let that be that. they need to respect you and your husband (shoot who knows what they tell him). they should respect your husbands choice to marry you even if they dont like you. good luck!

I wouldn't make any decisions about your marriage and your child based on your SILs. However him lying is not acceptable. I am sure his saying "I don't have to tell you where I go all the time" was just a stupid thing he said to try and defend himself (since he knows he was wrong).

Your sitation sucks but is it worth losing your family? Think about you guys as a unit and the SILS on the outside...

DS,
I feel for you, that sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation. A friend of mine had a situation along the same lines as you, but not quite to the extent. What she ended up finding out is that her hubby had, at one time before she knew him, had had a relationship or a hook-up shall we say, with the sister-in-law. Could that perhaps be in your husband's past, too? Just a thought. That could possibly explain current state of things. I wish you the very best of luck and peace of mind.

I would talk with your husband and ask him to go to counseling with you to better deal with the in-law situation. Do this in a way that does not blame him. Just tell him that you are tired of the situation and need some help in how to better cope with it. If he is unwilling to go to counseling, I would consult an attorney. In this situation, there is no winner. If you and your husband can't be united, there is nothing to win and everything to lose. At this point, you need to think of your child' welfare and your own well being. To me, it is okay that your husband visit his family alone, as long as he does not tell them things that are private between the two of you. Best of luck in your situation.

Dear DS: I don't really know what to tell you about your sister-in-laws, but I do know this. IT is illegal to create a false myspace. I'm sure you can report this to the police and a lawyer. IT sounds like slander to me.

Hello D S,

I had the same issues but with my MIL, FIL and one of the SILs.

My husband and I decided to go to a marriage theapist. Which was great. She showed my husband that I was feeling second rate to him, that I didn't matter, but what he should be doing is making me his top prority.

But, she also showed me that that is his family and I should not get in the way of him seeing his family, just I don't have to go.

To be honest it was hard at first. We have a 3yr old son, and I wanted my son not to have anything to do with his family as I know how much they hate me and would do things to our son just to hurt me.

But, I had to have faith, yes faith, that they would screw it up on their own at one point. So, I would put on a smile when I had to see them like birthdays, holidays, etc.

Well after 3yrs (these years where only after my son, but the hatred started in 96') they screwed themselves.

On Thanksgiving 08' my MIL screwed herself big time. My son, husband nor I have spoken or seen them since. Well my husband one time just to let them know she will not have a relationship with us again.

Quick history....we have never left my son alone with my Inlaws, never!!! Even when we visit (we live just 6miles from each other) we are always in the same room as them both. But, my MIL does hug and kiss him and she whispers in his ears. We gave her the benefit of the doubt, that she was saying she loves him, etc.

Well Thanksgiving evening my son started to act out, telling us he hates us, he hates my parents , etc. We spent the morning of Thanksgiving with his mother and the evening with my family. When we were getting ready to leave to go to my family our son just refused to go, but my husband said do you want to go to Nana's. He smiled and said yes and started to get dress.

So, we knew something was up, after 3 days of role playing and talking to our son. He broke down...my MIL told my son to hate me and my family. That if he told anyone that she said that, that she won't buy him things and that his Daddy would get in BIG (and he stressed BIG) trouble. Our poor sweet 3yr old boy was so scared that his Daddy was going to have to go away because he told me what Nana said. I was smart about when my son and I spoke because I had my husband stand in the hallway to hear everything that was said. So, he heard it with his own two ears.

Boy, the Inlaws screwed up. Our marriage has been wonderful since Thanksgiving and our Thearpist said we don't need to see her anymore that we are doing great.

So, the advice I have is see a thearpist and remember the Inlaws will screw themselves soon enough!!! And when they do something don't tell your husband unless you have solid hard proof!!!

Good Luck,
M.

I could write a novel on this post regarding fun inlaws the funny thing is there are so many of us in the same boat that is why inlaws have the stereotype that they do. I was blessed like you to have some that did not like me and I did not understand why either. This created alot of tension between my husband and I and the children were deprived due to thier ignorance as well here is a few things I'd like to say.
1) It is thier loss if they exclude thier lives from your child.
2) Making your husband choose between you and them will never get you anywhere, Family ties are not easily broken.
3) Letting yourself get worked up over thier prejudices about you is only hurting you. It's like a bully who gets thier jolly's aftr hurting your feelings If you act unbothered you'll tend to ultimately not be phased by thier b.s.
4) Your husband would probably appreciate you giving him a little more slack and trust as well, even though you despise them say it's okay with me if you see them. He probably doesnt know how to or want to choose either.

It has takin me 10 years to come to a place where I have learned these things. When you are a good woman and pride yourself in being a good woman it is really hard to take prejudism lightly especially when you do not understand why they dont like you....Give it time, After about 7 years my inlaws finally realized a couple of things.
1) I wasn't going anywhere they were stuck with me.
2) they were ignorant and apologized.
3) Their bullying did not phase me any more so they stopped.

My husband in return realized that I was the better, bigger person to not let them bother our happiness and thier prejudisms were wrong and hurtful.

Marriage is hard always regardless of in laws or not. Try to enjoy your wonderful new addition and your husband. 4 years is along time. If the in laws come around in your favor good if not owell, pray about it and let it go,. It is thier loss if they don't.
The other thing I wanted to mention as well is that although you might think your husband should love you enough to take your side or understand your feeling guys do not think the same way. It is a little too much to expect I am afraid.what we really want from them will come around be giving them a little more understanding ourselves. we are ran by our emotions most of the time. Good luck to you..

I have the same problem. My SILs hate all of the wifes of their brothers and insult us ALL the time. It is known and I have accepted it. I have seen how one of the wifes has been miserable and has tried to seperate herself and her husband, but her marriage has suffered as a consequense. After all its their siblings and they will always forgive them and want a relashionship with them. You can't ask them to hate their family,although they might recognize their faults, they will always love them. I know my mom and siblings are sometimes tough to get along with, but I love them to death. Sure they do not do hateful stuff like them, but I know I could never turn my back on them or ask my hubby to do so on his family. I am nice and cordinal to them although they are not to me. I invite them to some events (large ones only), and let all of the stuff they do or say rubb off. The best thing for my marriage - My hubby knows how they are, and the effort I give, and loves me that much more for it.

Hope it helps.