Sister Trouble... What Would You Do?

Good for you. I would have believed him too, and done just what you did. It's too bad she won't let you talk to any of the kids, but at least now he knows he can count on you.

You did good.

She is acting crazy and someone needs to protect that child. He is being abused. Not physically but mentally. He needs to leave and he is 16. I think he can. I hope he is not still in that home.

This happened exactly with my mom and I. I ran away from a rather abusive home at 16 and entered into a very scary world that I cannot even think about without feeling upset. One of my coaches actually called the police on my parents b/c she witnessed my mom freaking out and she was scared for us, though I lied to the cops and told them 'everything was okay'.

I so wish I had family to stand up for me and support me as a teen, but I didn't, and instead everyone thought my mom was the victim of a stupid, selfish, partying runaway. My parents also pulled the whole having me institutionalized and sent off to boot camp bit too. Funny, as an adult, I almost had to institutionalize my mom when she finally had a major breakdown.

So, yes, I think you did the right thing.

I am so glad that you listened to your nephew. I have had aunts apologizing to me in my adult years. We were beaten as children (made to eat out of trash, sleep in the shed etc). My father convinced them that we were crazy. I cannot tell you how happy i am that you took the time to do the 3 way. Please make sure that you still help him. Your sister may have lost it and he really may be scared. Without going on and on, i just wish i could let you know how much my sisters and i needed help as kids. We wouldnt have to look back on our childhood with tears. Fortunately for us... the family could see eventually. They know now that we really needed them :(

Ohhhhh! I've been your sister!!!! Several things come to mind: 1) You heard the sweet, calm, son who is away from the situation. 2) Your sister is home and still frantic; This is a major crisis in her life! 3) You don't know what's been leading up to this blow-up. 4) Having been there I know sometimes you need someone to not necessarily back you up, but to help you (pretty much to get him to come home) 4) Yikes! It's like you never break ranks between yourself and your husband in front of your children...I think she might have felt you broke ranks with her. 5) I know for myself that I learned pretty soon the meaning of "anxiety attacks". The loss of control and the changes in your life when your children are teens is totally unexpected and unbearable. I changed much with medication. Might she be going through anything similar? Sounds like you tried your best at the time. That was a tough place to be. Try again. Email her and maybe set up another conference call, or meet at a coffee shop. Keep being supportive of both. Obviously they both need love right now.

I would tell her exactly that - you know her and trust her and have never seen her act like that and you really did feel that she was being irrational in that moment. So you said so. But I would also tell her that you do agree there is a disconnect there because you know her to be a great parent and normally rational so you didn't understand why she was reacting so strongly.

It will be tough to work through but I would stress to her that you ARE on her side but part of being on her side means that you treat her kids like your own, and if they are having issues (even with her) you must be there for them. Otherwise they may go elsewhere for help and that help may be very bad - getting involved with kids who use drugs, runaways, going to untrustworthy adults etc. SO while she may not agree with what you said on that phone line - you at least showed the kid that he has trusted people he can call besides his mom and that in and of itself may keep him from bigger problems.

Good luck!

You did the right thing and good thing your nephew is able to stay with other family.

Sounds like your sister is having an emotional problem and it sounds like your nephew just knew he was not safe there.

IF you cannot get your sister to listen or talk with you, figure out who she is willing to speak with..

Is she about 45? Lots of women around this age have some depression come to the surface and no depression does not mean they are weepy and sad. It can make you aggressive and a little paranoid and demanding. Very normal for,most women to go through this at some point in their lives. Hormones are B*%$

Well... he is a LOT more normal and mature, than your Sister.

Does your sister, have mental problems or personality disorders?

Her son, is doing what he needs to, out of necessity.

I would listen to him.
He said, his Mom is unstable. And 'crazy' as he put it. And that he was 'afraid' of going back home.
You saw her reaction to him.
Nuff' said.

He is trying to do self-preservation. Trying to get out of the bad atmosphere at home.

You are not wrong.
He reached out to you, an Adult and his Aunt who he probably trusts.

If a kid... has NO where to turn in times of trouble... then the child will be worse off.
A kid... needs someone someplace, to turn to.
Better you than on the streets. Which some kids resort to.

I would really.... also KNOW, that she 'threatened him' by taking him to a Psychiatric Hospital.
That is scary... to think she would do that.
I would not, dismiss any of her crazy rantings, about her son.
And listen well, to your Nephew.

This is all wrong.
The Mom, seems to be the one that is acting... very very terrible.
Her son fled.
It was a last resort.
A child does not just do that, on whim.

Unless, your Nephew has a history of behavioral problems and lying.

You need, to look out for your Nephew.
Your Sister... seems very unstable and mean and mentally off.

you did the right thing. your nephew feels heard and knows there is sanity out there. i so hope that your sister moves through this unreasonable phase and understands at some point.
khairete
S.

I would suggest counseling for both of them together. You did nothing wrong, but because she didnt hear what she expected she is defensive. She needs to hear she is being unreasonable from an unbiased person. A person who can hear, and judge both sides of the stories without taking sides.
She will probably not want to do counseling. Im sure deep down she knows she is in the wrong. I would just keep suggesting it. It is the only way they are going to be able to work anything out.

It sounds as if your sister needs some help.

If your nephew was and is afraid to go home - whether it's true or not - perception IS reality. If she can't handle a rational conversation - SHE needs help.

It sounds as if your sister needs help....don't press her. Explain to her that you believe she was the one out of control - and be frank - IF HER SON PERCEIVES HE IS NOT SAFE - THEN HE IS NOT SAFE. SHE NEEDS HELP!

It sounds like a situation that is similar to one we had in our family. I believe you did the right thing, and it is bound to get worse. If people are enabling your sister then it will definitely get worse.

I think your sister may have been livid in that phone conversation because it's possible that your nephew was playing her with a fake calm, sweet tone and was pushing her buttons to get the reaction he wanted. He could have been lying. The words he used were vicious even if the tone wasn't. And I'm sorry, but it's also very likely that your sister was trying to enforce some rules, they argued about it, and he decided to leave over it.

Your nephew is a minor, so if he runs away again your sister can report him as a runaway or a missing person. She would do well to control her temper as well. I think you do owe your sister an apology because you helped her son play her, or at least that's how she sees it. Has your sister ever abused her son? Does she have a history of mental health problems? Look at their history before deciding that your nephew must be right in this situation in spite of your sister having lost her temper. We all lose our tempers... that doesn't make us bad people or bad parents or abusive.

You did the right thing, and if there's a way to find out what's going on there, you may have to do more to protect the others. Is this new behaviour? Could she be ill? I hate to be a downer, but sometimes things happen and she could have real problems and actually be hearing things that aren't being said. Good luck - I hope this can be resolved.

You've gotten a lot of different ideas and I think the three way conversation was a great idea....however....I have a teenager, so some thoughts....My teen is great, no trouble, good decisions, etc. but when she and her dad disagree, she has the intellect and ability to make it sound a lot worse than it is (or when there is just a boundary being set that she doesn't like). She has also used that calm, sweet tone which can be quite deceptive. May not be remotely the case in your situation, and I see there are so many painful experiences shared here, but just wanted to throw that out there. I think the best thing you can do is to try to be there for both of them, and they are both lucky you care.

Probably just what you did. Good luck to all of you-I hope everything works out.

Sounds like my sister- trying to make me the 'bad guy' when she is the one with the problem. Thank you for listening to your nephew- and it sounds like your sister has some chemical and hormonal imbalances- SHE needs to see an md and maybe a shrink- keep listening to the child- he needs you,

Contact Social Services and see what steps have to be done to have your sister commited. It sound like she is have a major psychotic episode. She could be bi-polar or any number of things. She needs to be hospitalized and evaluated.
Go to medical/psycgology websites and start reading up on mental illness and the symtoms.
Good luck this will not be easy.

I agree with Laura, if there is a chance that he is manipulating the situation, you need to be aware of it. Try to listen to her side of the story & what he is saying & doing when others can't see or hear him. I was married to someone who was very manipulating & would say things in a way that would set me off but when he repeated it at counseling it didn't sound anything like the conversation that we originally had. He could really put a spin on things. I'm not saying I know who is right, just that there are 2 sides to every story... Try to hear hers.

I would agree with the suggestion that they BOTH go to counseling - together and alone - that way, your sister can get the help she needs if there really is a mental issue at hand, which it sounds like there is. Without background information on your nephew and his bast behavior, it's hard to say if he is being manipulative, or just really was scared. Either way, this sounds like a broken family that needs professional intervention. if your sister refuses to seek counseling, THEN I would suggest a family intervention (by adults)

I know how difficult these situations can be and how awful the emotional stress is. This is painful for everyone involved and it is clear you had no other intention than to be honest and helpful. Although we are all concerned about your nephews well-being, you may not be in the best position to help him directly until you can re-establish constructive communication with your sister. It could be that the best thing you can do for your nephew is to help your sister find what it is she needs in order to feel like she has some support and control of her life.

It is not that you did or said anything wrong. But, it sounds like you wanted to build understanding and your attempt seems to have failed nonetheless. Trying to figure out who to blame for this breakdown is not likely going to improve anything.

You sister sounds like she doesn't necessarily want you to be right. It sounds like she wants to feel supported. We aren't necessarily crazy just because we are lashing out at the people closest to us instead of focusing our anger at what is really bothering us. There is a lot of space between understanding, confusion, and insane (although confusion can often inspire us to appear pretty insane).

Although your judgment of the situation may have been correct, feeling judged is probably not what your sister needed to help her get control of herself. These sorts of volatile situations are not something most of us have the skills to help moderate. It is not your fault that you are not trained to help them resolve the issue. You are a sister and an aunt, not a mediator or a therapist. All I can do is tell you what I feel I would do if I were in your position at this point.

First, I would try to realize that it isn't always about being right or wrong but about re-establishing communications between people who love each other. Identifying who is correct or incorrect rarely accomplishes this. What might actually help is to call your sister and tell her you understand that what you said upset her and that you realize that you were not prepared with the training or skills to have given her the support she was looking for. Then I would offer to join with her in looking for a way to develop the skills that might help you both become more supportive of each other and the children.

I am currently taking a really great online class in a course called Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. It is an affordable course and could help you, your nephew, and your sister understand the dynamics you are describing.

You make no mention of your nephew's father, so I am assuming that your nephew is the oldest child of a single parent with children of various ages. It sounds like she feels as if life is out of control and she feels unsupported. It is obvious that she is grasping to maintain control of her son and losing control of herself. You might be surprised at how much a bit of understanding and compassionate parenting techniques could solve everything. Although the Beyond Consequences program is largely focused on successfully parenting highly reactive children, the course first teaches the parent to recognize what causes us to dis-regulate as parents before we can help our children to regulate themselves. I know some people who are taking this class just because it helps them understand themselves or helps them work better with staff or students. The program is excellent for anyone that wants to create a more loving and cooperative home. So many programs only teach us how to speak to our children. This one first teaches us how to listen to ourselves and our children.

One of the great things about the course is that when one of you registers for the course, which is less than $200, you can invite a support person to take the course with you for free even if you don't live in the same house or even in the same country. So, you could take the course together. You might even talk to your sister about inviting your nephew to sit in on it as well.

If you and/or your sister do take the course, keep in mind that there is a lot of stories about children who have been traumatized, especially adopted children. But, the techniques they teach work for all children and all family members.

The creator and teacher of the course, Heather Forbes, will be in St. Louis giving a free introductory demonstration of the techniques she teaches from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm on May 21st. All you need for admission is to have a copy of her book. You might want to see if she would go with you or offer to help her arrange for childcare so she could be free to attend.

There are other programs out there and you may want to look into others if you are interested in this sort of idea at all. If you want more information on this one, you can find it at www.BeyondConsequences.com.

I have been in similar positions as yours with extended family over the years. You have my sympathy. I had to learn the hard way that being the one who is correct just doesn't always accomplish what I had hoped it would. You have my best wishes for a solutions that is both unifying and healing.

You did the right thing. Your sister obviously has a screw loose. Maybe she is schizophrenic or something. You can see your nephew ran away because he has a loony mother who is hearing things that aren't happening and she is a control freak. No wonder he left - I think he NEEDS to stay away from her. Help your nephew find a safe place away from the mother, and don't tell your sister where he is - the only one who needs to go to the psychiatric hospital is your sister. The next time she brings that up (about her son) tell her you will driver her there because she is the one way off here. Support your nephew 100% here, not your sister. So she gets mad at you - you could be the person to help both of these people out. Its important that people get involved when they see something going on that is not right. Too often we all have the attitude 'I don't want to get in the middle of things,' such a bad thing. Watch the t.v show on ABC Friday Nights 'What would you do' You will see that you did the right thing by taking a stand and pointing out your sister was in the wrong. Now follow through on this and don't cower or back down.

kudos to you for being your nephew's advocate!

Time for family counseling.....& as to whether or not he was being manipulative....she's out of control.

Next time record the conversation so she can hear herself.