I will try to make this a short as possible as it is a rather long story- For starters my M-I-L abandoned my husband when he was 4 yrs old, didn't visit or even call for years. In High School he lived with her for a year (b/c he knew she had no rules) she stayed drunk the majority of the time. I have heard horror story after horror story about my DH having to call 911 at 4 yrs old b/c his mom was drunk and on pills passed out on the floor and he couldn't wake her (yes at 4!!). She also traveled out of state in disguise to kidnapped my DH from his elementary school, not b/c she wanted him but b/c she was angry with her ex husbands new wife. Several months ago my MIL called me very late at night and highly intoxicated telling me that my husband (her son) has been ruining her life since the day he was born and that I had been ruining her life since we got married (I am still not sure how or why she thinks that as we had very little contact with her) she then proceeded to tell me that pay backs are a %$#@$ and today is pay-back time.... About an hour later CPS shows up at our door saying they had a call claiming that our children were being neglected and that my husband was a drug user and was using in the home with the children and that they needed to come in and interview our children and give us both drug test. We of course allowed them to do so and the case was closed and deemed T. made under false pretenses due to malicious intent. My MIL called while they were there asking if they had shown up yet (confirming that it was her that called). She even called the police and told them my husband told her he was planning on robbing a bank. After all of this my husband still communicates with her and now he is even going over to her house to visit her.... I have a HUGE problem with this and I think rightfully so. I have tried to talk to my husband and express to him how I feel and explain to him that she is obviously a danger to our children. I have asked him how he can choose to maintain a relationship with her after what she has done and his only response is "she's my mother". I don't know how to handle this and I feel like him maintaining a relationship with her is just leaving the door open for her to strike again.
i recommend the book "Co-Dependent No More", don't expect him to read it- you read it. See if it offers you some explanation/answers/solutions to this situation.
You guys need to go to couple's therapy. Your husband is wanting a relationship with his mother that doesn't exist. You need to get a restraining order from the police to protect yourself and your children. If your husband won't sign onto that don't list him. List yourselves and your children. This is not a situation to take lightly.
Oh, this is so not easy H.. Of course you have hard feelings toward this extremely sick person. Your first instinct is to protect your children and husband, and rightfully so. That is what you should do, but you also need to help your husband deal with his feelings. It's a complicated problem but no matter what she has done this is still his Mom and very hard for him to just walk away. The day may or may not come, but that part is his journey.
I understand as my husband has a sister that is an alcoholic and has strained the family since her teen years. She's pushing 60! I do my best to avoid her. I protect my kids from her the best I can, but I have had to come to the understanding that my husband chooses to maintain a relationship with her. I used to gripe about it, but then I realized she is sick and it wasn't helping my husband.
What we have worked on over the years is how he can maintain a relationship (albeit at arms length) while still protecting himself and family. How he can avoid enabling her, arguing with her or explaining himself to her. None of that helps her or him. It's an ongoing challenge but we have come far, and if you are patient with your husband you can help him instead of fight him to get to a similar place. He has to do what he has to do, but what you want to do is help him.
If your husband is open to it I would strongly advise he go to AL-ANON. They will give him the skills he needs to deal with his mom, and protect himself at the same time. Maybe you would consider going with him, but understandable if you are just done. This woman hasn't earned a right T. anything to you, but keep in mind your husband has, and try to help him.
The whole thing is complicated. I know! Hang in there. You have a doozey on your hands.
Hi - I am so sorry that she has led such a destructive life and that it has affected your family so terribly. Your husband likely has always longed for his moms affection and feels a need to help her just as he tried to do when he was 4. She sounds very unpredictable and I highly doubt that ignoring her or having your husband end all communication with her will stop her upsetting your family (as she just proved by her recent actions). You have every right T. furious with her but not with your husband. I imagine that he cares for his mother but loves you & your kids more than anything. He may be showing her a compassion which may have never gotten before and could eventually lead to getting her into a psychiatric facility. If your husband feels the need to keep talking to or seeing her explain that you and your children will have no part in it. He should understand your position and appreciate your acceptance of his.
Good luck & God Bless!
Wishing you and your family peace, H.. What a nightmare. With compassion and love for your husband, you will figure it out. Counseling, Al-Anon, "Co-Dependent No More", restraining order for you and kids--all great ideas. Maybe add prayer to the list. Wishing you the strength to handle this with grace.
She needs psychiatric help and the 2 of you need to file a restraining order! If she calls and harasses you like that---stop it legally.
An change all your phone numbers and don't give her the new ones!
I don't think you have to feel bad about severing the communication with a MIL who calls CPS and files a false report.
I agree with Patty on this one. What your MIL did was a terrible thing. She's an addict, and she needs help. I think it would be a wonderful thing for your DH to go to Al Anon. I would completely livid if I were you, but I would try my best to understand that she's doing this out of her addiction. I wouldn't be angry with DH unless he is enabling her. She is his mother. I would try to find a professional to help you figure out how to try to help her, but still protect your family. Reaching out to her does not mean that you condone her actions in any way. I would definitely let her know that she isn't allowed near your children while she is the way she is. If she gets help and starts the recovery process, then you can re-evaluate. This is such a hard situation T. in. I'll keep your family and your MIL in my prayers as you try to figure out the best way to handle this.
MIL needs a psychiatric evaluation and should probably be committed into a mental institution. She wanted attention (does your husband give her any money?) and now she's got it and I can only think she could get more vindictive if anything rubs her the wrong way. After establishing a track record of false alarms called by her against you, I would think law enforcement might begin fining her if she keeps it up. She's probably drinking herself into an early grave. Eventually she won't be a problem to you anymore.
