Skipping Birthday Dinner

If you can't afford to go then you can't afford to go. Fair enough. Leaving husband and child at home and ordering an appetizer or salad is also fair. If someone is offering to pay for you (as long as there is no expectation to pay them back) then I don't see how you have an excuse not to go. Honestly, it sounds like you don't want to go and you are looking for excuses.

Tell them you can't be there for the whole thing and just go at the end for dessert if money is a real issue. I would go.

I think you should go. It's to celebrate your sibling and that is important. Just order a salad and drink water. Or order soup. I second the idea that you can go without your husband and child. But do communicate with your family about this. Tell them that this kind of restaurant is out of your family's budget. Tell them it is awkward for you to accept them paying for you. Tell them that makes you feel bad. Ask them to pick something less expensive for next time. BUT....really what I think is that if your parents offer to pay for all of you you should just let them. Go and enjoy a nice dinner once in a blue moon at a fancy restaurant and let them treat you. My in-laws treat everyone quite often when we get together because my SIL's family can't afford it. They'd rather have us all be together and treat everyone than have one family not be there. We just all enjoy the dinner and say thank you.

When my husband turned 40, I threw a party for him and we had many guests. I also paid for it in full.

Grown adults beyond college should either properly host their events to the degree they can afford, or not have them. It is beyond tacky to "invite" people to an expensive restaurant to celebrate themselves and expect them to foot the bill.

If your "family doesn't take no for an answer." I suspect you've never properly said No to them. You are an adult, not a child. Your parents are your peers now, not your bosses. "That doesn't work for us. Have a good time."

Repeat as necessary.

Have your husband stay home with your son, and go by yourself. Just order an appetizer and water.

I would be upset if someone missed a family get together because of money. I understand not wanting someone to pay for you but I can also understand someone honestly wanting to do so in order to have your company.
No one is guaranteed tomorrow. I would go but I guess it is because I would want to go. Maybe you don't. Only you can't answer that question.

Go alone. Your husband can stay home, which saves you money on his meal and on a babysitter. While it's nice to go together, it just doesn't make sense and it is completely ok to go by yourself.

If even paying for just your own meal is still out of the question, I personally don't see a problem with letting someone else pay for you if they offer on their own. They wouldn't offer if they couldn't do it, or if they didn't really want you to join them. Don't be too proud to accept their generosity.

All that said, if you really don't want to go, just say no. Apologize and offer to do something else with your sibling just the two of you, on your terms, so you can afford it. If you want to make the decision not to go, you need to learn to let the guilt trips roll of your back.

In the end, do what's best for your family. If it was me, I'd go alone and/or accept someone's offer to pay my share.

I agree with the moms who say you go, leave hubby home to watch your child. You can usually order something relatively inexpensive at pricey restaurants. Just skip the liquor and dessert etc. Or don't have an appetizer. I typically (we're on a fixed budget) just order the main entrée. I don't like to bring attention to it, so I just save a little beforehand (you can cut back on something surely) and keep it light. If someone offers to treat you, again, I'd be gracious and accept - don't make a big deal about it as it's your sibling's birthday.
I think not going because you can't afford to (how else are you going to get out of it without being honest - this is your sibling, you should be making every attempt to go) - will just be awkward. So find a way to make it :) You will be glad you did.

** One of my family members had a wedding at a tropical location and we were not able to attend. It was just a top resort not something we could manage. In that case, many people did not and it was ok to say - it's not in the budget I'm sorry we'd love to. But this is a dinner. You can do it :) Have fun

Go by yourself. It will save you 50% plus the cost of the babysitter. Order an appetizer or salad. Skip the drinks and dessert.

I agree with the posts below that guilt is something you take on yourself. No one can make you feel guilty or inferior without your permission and cooperation.

I see that you have 2 choices:

1) Send a card and wish the sibling well

2) Go by yourself and leave your husband home so you don't need a babysitter. Order an appetizer, a side salad and water. This is YOUR family and your husband doesn't need to be there.

Either way, don't engage in a long conversation with them about what you can afford/not afford, or whether someone should pay for you. Don't start the conversation, and don't participate in it if someone else starts it. Just don't give a lot of info - no one needs to know your plans/reasons - the restaurant needs a head count just to set the table(s) an hour beforehand.

And remember - again - that guilt is not a gift you need to accept just because someone offers it to you. Don't go down that road at all.

I'm sure you were just using it as an example, but you couldn't pay me to eat at Applebee's. Anyways, I would do one of two things. You go and leave hubby & son home. Or, you and hubby go and order water and an appetizer (probably the same price as a meal at Applebee's).

Life is short...be with your family!

can you skip applebees the next three times? it would be worth it to be with the family.

I certainly believe in saying no, but this is your sibling, and your sibling wants you there. This isn't some acquaintance. If you can't afford it, and someone in your family wants to pay for you, then you should go. Apparently they want your presence, and are willing to pay for it. I don't understand your refusal to go. Pride? Or as others below say, just order something small and cheap.

And maybe I'm a food snob, but I'd rather have a dainty appetizer at a good restaurant than a feast at someplace like Applebe's.

you have to decide on your priority. if it's REALLY that you don't want to spend the money, then your only choice is to decline politely and firmly OR let someone buy, right?
is it that you don't have the money or just don't want to get a babysitter?
if it were i, i'd get a babysitter and go. it's really nice that your family gets together for birthdays, and that it's important enough that they go somewhere nice and not a crappy chain.
but if you don't want to, then yes, you're an adult and you get to say no. you don't offer excuses (that's what makes people keep at you, when you keep throwing up excuses they can shoot them down.) obviously if you say you can't afford it, your family who loves you will offer to cover the bill because they want you there.
the horror.
i guess they just have a hard time believing that you simply don't want to be with them on your sibling's birthday.
so the only sensible response is to be very nice, very friendly, very warm, and very firm. and no excuses. 'yay! sounds like thelma's birthday will be lovely! that's a terrific restaurant. charles and i won't be able to make it this time, but have a bite of dessert for us. no, really, it just won't work for us this time. thanks so much for the offer. we'll catch up to you all soon. have a great time.'
if you allow yourself to be easily guilt-tripped, either work on that, or bite the bullet and have a lovely date night at a terrific restaurant with your family.
khairete
S.

You have the choice to feel guilty or not.

I suggest that when someone accepts that you can't afford this, they are saying it's important to them that you be there. The only reason that I'd not accept this offer would be because I know I could afford this if I wanted to go bad enough. Bottom line: we make choices based on what is important to us. Our choices tell other people about our own priorities. Your friends/relatives will likely feel snubbed if you don't accept help. How they feel is not your responsibility. We all make choices. It's our responsibility to own our choices. How someone else feels about our choice is their choice.

Our choice is based on our priorities. If we value a relationship and how we spend our money, we again have a choice. I suggest that when we are unsure about our choice, we can be upset by guilt trips. I suggest the issue here is why you are upset. If you are sure this is the right choice for.you, you can choose to accept responsibility for your choice or you can choose to continue living a co-dependent life in which your happiness.depends on how other people feel.

Perhaps you value both good relationships and not spending money. Then you have to choose which is most important. Perhaps your choice is influenced.by a need to rebel? Another choice is deciding if showing your independence is more or less important than pleasing your friends/family. Whatever you choose, you need to accept the consequences of your choice. They are responsible for their feelings and you for yours.

A choice is.rarely simple when we believe how others feel is more important than how we feel.

I suggest you are feeling the way you feel is the result of not being sure your choice is the right choice. I suggest that reading and/or counseling around co-dependably will, over time, make choices more clear/less complicated.

If you can afford three trips to Applebee's you can afford this, you just have your priorities messed up. Those chain dinner places are kinda gross, I'd rather have an appetizer or salad at a real restaurant then anything on Applebee's menu.

Frankly, I think you should feel a little guilty. If your presence is your gift skip the chain food for a while and celebrate with your family.

I'm with the others on Applebees being disgusting...but that's not your question.

You go. Your husband can stay home, or you get a sitter and you two do it cheaply. My husband and I can often split meals because I can't eat much. Water is fine for both of us to drink, and we can skip appetizers and desserts. But if it's once a year, go for it. If you can find a way to bring your child, based on their age and behavior, do that too...it's good for kids to learn to behave in fancy places and to try new things.

And worse case scenario...if you can't afford it at all, let your family pay for you this time. Plan to save (skip a few of those yucky Applebee's dinners) and pay for them next time. We do that all the time in my family.

This happened to me. My sister who isn't married had a party (organized by her friends at an extremely pricey restaurant.) I went without my husband (who was staying home with my dd). Everyone was ordering drinks, appetizers for the whole table and main courses. Nobody was keeping track of who ordered what. When the bill came it was just split among everyone and my sister's boyfriend said that if anyone couldn't pay that he'd cover their tab. I didn't order any drinks or appetizers, but I did try a few that were passed around. I wound up spending quite a bit more than I planned, because I just gave what the split up amount was and a portion of the tip. I brought cash and I barely had enough but at least I paid my share.
Overall, I'm glad I went, but since my husband didn't go, it was more affordable.

I would go and leave hubby and son at home, that why you can celebrate with your sibling without breaking the bank or hurting anyones feelings.

Just go for dessert. That's the best part, anyway;)!

I would go, eat a little something from home before leaving so you aren't starving, order something smaller from the menu and cut back somewhere else that isn't as important to make up for the expenditure. It's a birthday celebration, a special occasion. It's not an every day occurrence.

Guilt isn't something others impose on you, it's something you feel when you're not meeting your own expectations.

How do you deal with your feelings? In situations like this, I sit and think, I listen to the deep voice within that tries to do the "right" thing. What does yours say?

I get divergent ideas about the cost of meals out, but sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone as a gift. I assume attending dinner is the gift? Is there something holding you back from being generous? You say you don't want to spend the money now. This tells me you can afford it? If you can't afford it, you can't. If you can make it happens, then you have a choice.

If they invited you, then they should be picking up the tab. That's just proper etiquette.

I pick up that you already have tension with your family.

Do you want to go? If not... Make sure you have plans on that date.

You do NOT owe anyone any explanation of anything your family chooses to do. Stand up for yourself, your family and don't allow people to push you around or guilt you.

Hubby can babysit and if you do have to pay your tab, eat light... Appetizer.

I totally agree with those saying you go and husband stays home while you order something reasonable (and don't cave to pressure to buy "Just one drink" or whatever).

One thing to add, though. If your family is a crowd that expects every spouse to be at every event every time, and they're going to carp at you or tease or otherwise make it A Big Deal that husband isn't there -- well, still go without him but be prepared for this, and have in your mind some polite but firm lines to shut down any commentary on his absence. "Oh, he and Son are having a guys' night in." "He's got a lot going on at work right now, so I suggested he slow down and have an evening with Son. He sends his regards." Whatever works. Immediately after any such comments from you, change the topic that instant--"So, how is Your Kid? Didn't she have a basketball game coming up?" and so on. Be prepared before you go and you can fend off any comments on husband's absence.

If they make it all about "Oh, you couldn't afford to both come, gosh, we're so sorry," don't put up with that condescending talk. Just smile and say, "I'm here for Sibling's big night out and isn't this food great?"

It really is time to start doing these events on your own terms--as you noted yourself, you're an adult and yet they still lay on the guilt. Go on your own, smile and be very sweet while being very firm, and always, always turn to another topic immediately -- they will be distracted if you ask them about themselves, their kids, etc. If they still guilt you after the fact about how "Husband didn't come, we're really missed him" and especially if they refer to your finances -- next time, be too busy and have another event on the day of some affair that you can't afford.

Maybe plan some of these events yourself in a simpler way from time to time so it's not always about expensive restaurant meals, if that's how your family tends to roll. Keep it smaller, have a birthday sibling over to your home for a meal instead (without lots of other people there), etc.

Ugh, why do some adults act like such babies? Birthday parties are for children, or for milestones, like celebrating your 21st with your girlfriends, or your mom's 60th.
I suppose I would just go but leave the husband and kid at home.

Appetizer and water like Momma F said. I'd hate to miss out on the fellowship.

Is there a way that just you can go? It's your sibling. Then your husband can stay home with your son.
Or just say, "Sorry! We can't make it! Have a great time."
I have multiple siblings. Some are very well off. I think that my family is the brokest. :) My brothers all know that and would NEVER plan a dinner somewhere where they know it would be a hardship for us to pay. Kinda crappy on the families part IF you guys struggle.
You could also say, "hey Sibling. I'm sorry that we have to miss your dinner but I would love to have you guys over for a dinner!" Then you could make a little something for you guys to eat and hang out with that sibling.

"We're not going to be able to make it, but y'all have fun."

If they offer to pay, "That's kind of you, but no thanks."

You can't be "made" to feel guilty without your permission.

You could just go, drop off a gift, give a big hug, buy a drink from the bar to give to your sibling and
say you can't stay....then go home. So you show up on their birthday, say you couldn't get babysitting (leave
you dear child at home w/hubby) then leave.

You put your best party face on and go. Let the family pay for your meal and enjoy the company of the whole family.

Stop feeling "better than" attitude. If you are saving the money for a trip or something else you should have mentioned that because "...My husband and I don't want to spend the money now," doesn't cut it. Babysitters should be part of the entertainment budget in the family budget. I know we all have our personal priorities but family is family regardless of how great or not they are.

I would love to visit with some of my family if they were alive but they are not. One day in the future you will look back on this decision and many others.

Do let us know what happens.

the other S.

No is a complete answer. "No, we are unable to attend." and then send a card or gift instead.

You will probably get a guilt trip, but you are an adult and can decline. I also wonder if there's more to this - I am going to a fancy dinner (we do so annually) and sharing a sitter with another couple. Yes, it's very expensive, but it's about the event with friends, not the lowest price. I would only go to that pricey a restaurant for this group of people. Do you not like this sibling? Is it not a big birthday (like 40/50/60)? It sounds to me that this is more than money, and that's a whole different question.

Sounds like it will be a lot of fun. I think that you need to let them know you aren't coming but they will surely try and pay your way.

It's hard. Hard when everyone else has more money than you do. I had a best friend for years and her husband made easy 6 figures. They lived in a modest home and their vehicles were paid for. They had 2 kids and they got everything they needed and a lot of what they wanted.

It was hard to go to the store with her while she piled tons of food in her basket and I had about $30 to buy our food for a week. She got fresh fruit and lots of produce. I couldn't afford it. I made excuses that I already had some at home but the truth was that I didn't. We never got fresh fruit and produce.

We made under the limit for a family of 4 to receive food stamps but one of the grand kids parents was court ordered to pay child support and he never paid it. We were denied as having too much income because he "might" pay it then we'd have too much. Since he only paid one or two times per year we never received his $168 per month. It would have come in handy.

But anyway. I loved my friend dearly and would never have asked her to buy us anything and if she'd have offered then I would have made an excuse. She just focused on her kids and herself and her life and didn't really ever pick up on the fact that we were doing without a lot of things they took for granted.

So I do know what it's like and how hard it is to be invited to a place like that and absolutely have no chance in heck of being able to afford it. Stinks.

You'll have to decide how to get out of this. My common excuse was we already had plans. I'd call someone she wasn't friends with and ask them if we could come over for the kids to play or something. Anything to not have to be humiliated by being cornered by someone trying to be a good relative and offer to pay.

Plan something else for that same night.
Really do it.
"Sorry, guys! we can't make it - we have other plans.".
Don't explain what it is, don't offer any other apologies.
Just go your own way more often and don't feel guilty in the least for doing so.
Get use to saying 'No' - mean it - and give them no choice but to accept it.

Once kids grow up and get married - their new family takes precedence over the family they came from - or it should.
You can still get together every once in awhile - but you get to call your own shots.
If they are going to be nasty - stay away from them more often.