Sleep & Potty Issue for 3 Year Old Girl

My advice is two fold. Something happened that scared her in the night. If you can get her to talk about it and then maybe show her that she is safe in the night so that she can go to sleep. I think the problem with the going to the bathroom will go away when she deals with what scared her and gets some solid sleep. If that isn't possible find a good child psycologist or psychiatrist and it would probably take only a couple of visits for her to tell them what scared her. If she has a Grandmother that she likes to talk to that would be another place to look for her to put this away

Hello,

I had a very similar situation except our daughter sleeps in the same room as us. We have a one bedroom. It seems at some point, around three, children learn fear. We have always had it pitch black in the room from the day she was brought home and then around three she started saying she was scared. So, I happened to have this huge stuffed dragon and I put it at the end of her bed and told her he heard she needed him and he came to protect her at night. He scares away monsters and makes sure no harm ever comes to her. It worked! She would wake up the next day and say that an alligator came for her and the dragon stopped him. It is their imagination that is the cause of their fear so if you can use her imagination to your advantage it just might work. Ask her if she needs someone to protect her at night. Or put a blanket on the floor and tell her that monsters aren't allowed to cross this blanket and neither is she until the sun is out. then the magic goes away. I am sure you can think of something imaginative that she will buy. As long as she believes you belive it.

I agree with the other advice you got it may be related. Some pschie thing telling her she was better off as an infant. Who knows but just jump one hurdle at a time.

Best wishes for you!!

You don't mention if you are a stay at home mom or if she is away from you during the day. Something may be going on that you don't know about? Or she may just be going through a fearful stage. She has nowhere to go for comfort. A horrible situation for anyone, let alone a three year old! Keep in mind that, historically speaking, kids sleeping apart from their parents is a brand new phenomenon, and practiced by only a few societies. I am not a "family bed" advocate, but your statement "I don't allow her in my bed" seems ... well, excessively harsh! And like a rule you have just to have it, without giving the emotional well-being of your daughter the compassionate consideration she deserves. She is three. She is scared. You are her mother. You are supposed to be her safe haven, her source of comfort and security. Be a mom, not a stickler. When you are old and gray, and you reminisce on the days you are living right now, you will want to remember hugging, kissing, snuggling with a happy, secure little girl. You will want to remember being a compassionate, tuned-in, considerate parent. You don't want your memories to consist of how strictly you enforced your household rules. By then, you will know what is truly important in life. Kindness, not rules.

Hi S.,

First of all, re "Laura A's response on Sat. Jan 19", please DO NOT accept her guilt riddled reply to you. You are a good mother who is trying to do the best for her daughter. You already have an older son so you've been around this block at least once already. You are in NO DANGER of damaging this little girl for life! Good grief!

I don't know how productive a conversation can be with a 3 yr old - she likely will not be able to express herself completely enough for you to be able to understand what's going on with her. And I personally do not think that therapy is necessary either. She's 3, this stuff happens and probably is not that serious. Every child is different and they can react to things differently. I'd say go with your instincts on this one. I also don't think letting a child into a parent's bed is a good idea. This can quickly become a habit that you'll have to eventually break her of. I suggest not starting that habit in the first place. On occasion, I think sleeping with mommy and daddy helps when nighmares come, but I would not suggest using this tactic as a way of fixing what's going with her right now. Now....you say your daughter won't let you leave the room once you put her down to go to sleep. Are you unable to leave the room because she is crying? If so, consider letting her cry herself to sleep and continue putting her back in her own bed while reassuring her that she is safe and that you are close by. For a kid, doing something 3 times usually makes it a habit and she should go down to sleep without a problem soon after this. Similar to "Jennifer A E's" response below, as far as her being scared, make up a bottle of "Monster Spray" that consists of water, a couple drops of vanilla and any other fragrance that you and your daughter like. Maybe even a strawberry scent if that's her favorite smell. Tell her that monsters and other scary things, don't like whatever smells you choose to use in your bottle and then, together, spray her room with the "Monster Spray" so she'll know that nothing can "get" her. Past these ideas, you may want to pay close attention to her interactions with others, check to see if there is anything different at school (if she goes to a school yet). Something might've happened or achanged recently that has caused her to regress a little bit. Perhaps once her fears subside, the potty training issue will resume and she'll be back on track. Just a few suggestions...good luck with whatever you decide to try. A mother's instinct is usually the best one.

my spidey senses say take her to a child therapist and have them talk with her to find out if any monsters have visited her in the night...

but, if you tend to watch tv at night before bed, that might be it too. i recently realized that my 2 yr old daughter was processing an anime movie that my 9 yr old son and i were watching at a much deeper level than i thought. a character died and she, in her own way, "got it."

since the brain can't tell the difference between what is happening and what is being imagined to be happening, maybe cutting out tv will help get her calm and secure enough to sleep alone again.

good luck!

I feel for you!!!!!!!!

Ok this is what I do, It's a little harsh, but it works really well.
Just be strong.
So every nap time and bed time. I lay him down-(He's 2 and a half)
he say's I scared, more light.
So I turn the lights on all the way.
Leave the room
then he starts talking,crying or whatever
so i go in and say close your eyes and go to sleep
he says no
then i say close your eyes and go to sleep or I will turn off the lights
He goes to sleep!
At first I had to repeat that like 5 times for about 3-4 days.
Sometimes I had to throw in there I will close the door too!
Finally were down to one time
Hopefully soon we will be at Goodnight Love you .

Good Luck.

Children often go through "night terrors" in early childhood; usually it's a phase, but it certainly is not to be ignored. I'm assuming, because you sound like a great mom, that you've talked with her about what she's afraid of, and comfort her at night when she is afraid. Something is obviously causing stress for her--do she and her brother have separate rooms? The urinary problem may certainly be related. In any event, the first thing I'd do is to consult your pediatrician. It may be something as simple as a bladder infection that is causing her pain. But I'd certainly try to discover the cause of the stress--leaving a light on isn't the worst thing in the world to do. Some children, as they get older, develop a fear of the dark. It usually resolves, but takes a little patience to get through it! Good luck!
R. (I'm a nurse, and have raised five kids, if that helps!)

I'm not a doctor but don't you think the two are related? A child's bedroom is a big, scary place at night. You have someone to "protect" you at night- that may be all she needs. Once in awhile my daughters would need the comfort of mom and dad at night. It is a small price to pay for your child to trust you. Look at it from her shoes... big brother is brave and doesn't need mom and dad but she needs something to help her out. I say show them now you are there for them and they will continue to trust you and come to you with everything. The daytime pee-pee problem will most likely resolve when she is well rested and trusts the people around her. Little girls are really good at potty training but they need to feel safe or they will pee their pants a lot.

Hi.. my daughter was kind of the same way. I think it's definitely related. My daughter started potty training, she's 27 months. She was doing REALLY good.. I was even leaving the house in just her panties. At night however, I kept her in a pull-up. Once she was aware of going pee, she would wake up SCREAMING at night that she peed in her pull-up. Well, as you can imagine, everything went down hill from there. She went a week without napping, waking in the middle of the night, AND refusing to going potty again.

So I figured she wasn't ready to use the toilet. I've ignored it completely and will go back trying again. She's doing better now.. sleeping and taking naps. Thank Goodness!!

Your little girl is scared. She probably has anxiety. You need to sit down with her and talk to her about what she is scared of. I reacted when you said you do not let her into your bed. That might solve your problem. Give her some love and snuggle time before you let her back in her own bed and explain to her that she needs to sleep in her bed and that mommy needs to sleep in mommys bed. If that does not work, just let your child sleep in your bed for a while. That is what she needs right now and it will not last forever.
Your story reminds me of my mothers story, when about your childs age she would be awake most of the night scared and lonely and crying for her mother. Her mother would not let her into her bed. The very few times she was allowed, after crying most of the night and being scared, she felt safe and secure and slept soundly all night. This has left scars on my mother, and always let us kids in her bed when we wanted to. It was a security to know that if I got scared I could go to mommys bed.
The peepee accidents is a sure sign that your girl is having problems and that she is scared. Give her lots of TLC. Do not underestimate her when she says she is scared. The poor thing is terrified.

It sounds like something happened to her. Did anything happen to stress her out or scare her about 2 months ago? Maybe a change in her life or routine that she is struggling with? It sounds like an emotional reaction. Show her that you are there for her and that she is safe; comfort her while encouraging her to work on her sleeping and potty skills. She will come back around once she feels confident and secure again.

Based just on what you told me my first thought was something deeper than just the sleep/potty issues. Has something happened recently that has scared her, or has something changed in her environment or routine? Have you asked her why she is scared? Have you tried laying with her in her bed for a little while? I would need more specific information, but I can tell you that around this age childrens' fears become a lot more real- like they stop being afraid of non-harmful things, such as loud noises and large things, and they begin to be scared of things like being lost. And at the same time their imaginations become more active, so when she is laying in the dark she may be worried about something she can't see coming to "get" her. But this sounds like it could be a complicated problem. Does she take naps in the afternoon? It is also possible that she is so overtired that she has trouble relaxing at night. I have met very few three year olds in my child development career who could go without a nap. Have you asked her what she is scared of? Children have to learn to express and work through their fears, and possibly the way you're reacting could be to dissmisive. Like I said, it's hard to tell from just a description. But try talking to her about it in as much depth as you can, and during the day when she isn't freaked out. As far as the potty accidents go, you may need to get a timer and make her sit on the potty every hour or so, like during potty training. Just make sure you don't scold her for accidents- be firm and serious, but don't yell or berate. And when she has an accident, do you change her clothes, or does she do it? It may just be a cry for attention. She should change as much of the clothing as she possibly can on her own- when my three year olds would have accidents I was always very matter of fact with them. I would say "I don't like when you potty in your pants." Then they would get their clothes and take them to the bathroom, and I would simply stand in the doorway of the bathroom and hold the plastic bag for them to put the dirty clothes in (and of course help with difficult things like tied shoes or small buttons).

Good luck, feel free to send me a message if you want more info.

It is really common for children ages 2-5 to have nightmares. Is there something new going on in your life? Did she start school. It sounds like your child is dealing with a stressful situational subconciously. When she wants to sleep with you maybe you should let her, accepting her into your bed allows her to think you understand, it wont create a habit. My son did similar things.

why don't you let her in your bed? It is one of the things that I am most grateful for when I remember the wonderful things about my own mother (now deceased). She NEVER turned me away if I came to her bedroom door in the night. What a wonderful mother. I myself, had a family bed with my three and my husband. It began because my husband and I had a big studio apartment when my oldest was born, and then after we moved to a two bedroom home, my husband used one of the rooms for his home office. After that changed, we set the 2nd room up as a bedroom for our two little ones and told them that they had a choice about where they slept. Of course they chose to stay with us. We were happy about it - they grow up SO FAST that I treasured the time. My third had a bassenett until it just became so much easier to have him sleep beside me at night so I could nurse him and not have to wake everyone up. It worked! We loved it and my husband and I had plenty of privacy and spice in our marriage!(I know what doctors advise, but Native people have successfully slept next to their babies and children for eons) When we moved to a three bedroom house, our oldest son - then 10 years old, claimed one of the bedrooms and my younger two opted for bunk beds in the other room. My oldest adjusted beautifully. my two younger ones came back to our beds maybe once or twice a week for a few months but, we had the bedroom set up in our room where a toddler bed was pushed up next to ours, so there was still pleanty of room. Now, the only time we have a child interrupt our sleep, or intimacy, is if they are ill, which is rare. I have ALWAYS been very happy that a family bed was how we did our kids early childhood. We have three happy, secure, affectionate, caring and successful kids, ages 17, 14, and 10.
J. Molina - Certified Parent Coach and OneModernDayPriestess

Dear S.,

Has anything especially upsetting happened lately? A grandparent dying, or a cousin? Or a serious illness in the close family? Does she go to preschool, any problems there?

I would say that you need to be quietly alert and pay attention to details that she may hint at or mention. Just be reassuring and let her have the light and some soft music in the room, an especially soft stuffed toy, and lots of just sitting and holding her for a while. This is not spoiling, it is getting the child through a hard time. Somehow she is uncomfortable - maybe it is just that she is especially aware of her surroundings has something changed recently? Remember, you and Dad are her closest security 'blankets'.

Tell her to call you if she needs you. That will give her permission to include you in her problem.

Maybe it will go away and you will never know what was causing this. C. N.