Small Kid, Social Issues, Any Experience to Share?

I was a late bloomer and was smaller than my peers. As they all started developing more mature bodies I looked like a little, puny kid. I was not popular but I had my group of friends. I think the biggest obstacle for me was my own shy personality. I thought badly of myself and was sensitive and quiet. I felt like I had a horrible middle school experience. And high school was just blah...I just got through it and tried to enjoy myself. I was definitely one of the quiet, kind of nerdy kids...but I had my friends. But then in college things became amazing and I found my place in life, my passions, true friends, and my own high self esteem. I would guess it is more to do with your daughter's natural personality right now...perhaps like me she feels bad about herself because she is not "average". I think just keep encouraging her to hang out with the girl or kids she likes and keep encouraging her to do the activities she excels at. Think of the amazing dancers and ice skaters who are tiny and petite! As she grows more mature, finds her interests and passions, and finds her peers who love her just as she is she will bloom. Maybe she will be like me and it will just take a while. PS - It helped that I went to a small, liberal arts, private university that was highly academic. The other students there were smart, kind, accepting, and open to all kinds of people. If I had been at a huge university I would have just been lost in the crowd.

My daughter has multiple medical problems. She was unable to attend school at all and we enrolled her in an online school.

At first, the student population consisted of kids in remote areas, kids with divorced parents in different cities (and therefore different school districts, whose parents split custody 50/50), kids with debilitating physical disabilities, and kids who were elite athletes and who traveled to competitions or spent hours training at their sport or event.

As time went on (and my daughter took 7 years to complete high school so we had lots of time to observe), the population changed. The kids met up at field trips, meet and greet events, bowling parties, etc. The student body was now primarily comprised of kids who had been bullied due to a myriad of reasons. They instantly were compassionate when meeting each other in person. They certainly were not in the "mainstream" but they were loyal, friendly, accepting, and generous. They overlooked disabling obesity, bald heads due to cancer, scars and other visible differences, kids whose interests were unusual and not understood by others, kids who had been abused and needed friends, kids who were lonely, kids who had trouble making friends, kids whose home lives were turbulent, etc. My daughter felt secure and accepted. No, these were not the "cool" kids by society's regular definition, but I thought they were amazing. They persevered through difficulties, kept up with school even though life was tough, and sought friends that were more than "skin-deep" but true-hearted.

I'm just trying to say, so what if your daughter eats with a small group of kids who aren't part of the mainstream? Or if it's one other girl? Some of those mainstream relationships are often shallow and insincere. Help your daughter to appreciate the people with whom she eats lunch for their good qualities, their willingness to be friendly, their acceptance, their trust, their hearts. If she is constantly longing after a group that she wants to be in and isn't seeing the people around her, she's missing out.

Is the lunch issue because she's small or because she's new? I ask because when I moved and started 6th grade, everyone knew everyone from 5th (or before) and I was odd man out til I found my feet the following year. Middle school in general is just meh, and I would encourage her to seek out other kids and/or enjoy the few likeminded ones vs worrying every ebb and flow of girls her age. My SD's friend group changed so much in middle school. I didn't keep up with it. I didn't want to. They never knew what next week would be like, and unless someone was being bullied, I let it ride.

Does your DD do anything at school? You say she does her own sports (I assume not school related) but does she have time for maybe one club night a week? Something that could be her social "in"?

I would really try to stop saying "Oh, it's her growth" and "she's so small". I'm petite. I maxed out my height in 8th grade. I didn't have any hope of being tall. She can't let it get her down or use it as a crutch. Girls who move on and don't see her as equal or just don't like her as much as she likes them are not really her friends. Try not to worry quantity so much as quality and try not to micromanage her friendships. If she has one or two decent friends, she's doing OK.

I agree with AV. Also, I teach middle school and there are plenty of small kids with big personalities, whose social life is not at all affected by their size.

In middle school, it's really about personality and attitude, and not about height. Either it's because your daughter is new to the school or it's because she's kind of shy and retiring. If she were outgoing, the kids wouldn't think twice about her height.

I was out in the quad the other day and pondering how the kids definitely gravitate to others who are similar to themselves. Over here was the "bad" group of kids, and over there were the "smart" kids, and in that corner were the "nerdy" kids, and at that table the "popular" talkative kids were sitting, etc. etc. Your daughter will find friends who have similar personalities and interests. And she can start with that one girl she's already sitting with.

None really, except to try to take the positives where you can find them. In this case, it makes it really easy for her to see who is worth her time and friendship, and who is not. That sometimes can be a real challenge at a new school. She has the kids telling her themselves. Makes it easier.
Why does she want to be friends with the "mainstream" kids if they are cruel or unkind? Perhaps something worth her consideration.

I so get this. I'm short and for much of my life I have experienced some folks treating me as a little kid, as a little adult and now as a little old lady!

While I now know how to help folks see me as more than my height, it was a challenge in my teen and early adult years. I think friends are often made 1 to 1, so if there is someone she can invite over to your house or someone she can invite to an activity (movie, bowling, lunch) I think that is a way to begin. I would also talk with her guidance counselor and ask what else would help for your daughter to do and also what the school can do to help her demonstrate her strengths. It might also help to have the counselor let her teachers know that this is an issue for her, so they might offer her opportunities to show her strengths, even subtly.

Mostly I want her to know that everyone, absolutely everyone has challenges in life, and often we can't see them. But those challenges change and are dealt with. She will be alright and she will make friends. And when it's just to much to handle, she can always come home to her loving family for hugs and understanding. And then, on to tomorrow.

She needs intervention. Sorry, have you considered private school with very small classes or home schooling her? She is being abused in a hurtful and horrible way. She has no control over her size nor is she able to change anything else. And she shouldn't have to.

We've had 4 or 5 girls commit suicide in the last 6 months in this town and a couple of neighboring towns due to things like this and it's frightening. I am terrified to send the kids to school each day and for a split second each morning when I approach their bedroom doors I'm afraid of what I might find.

Stand For The Silent dad Kirk Smalley is going to come to our town in the future and hopefully we'll see less of this.

So please, get her away from these people.