Why Can't My 10 Year Old Daughter Make Friends

I agree with the Mom's that say find something away from school that she enjoys and it wouldn't find something she is really good at either. My son was in a similar boat and I began private guitar lessons. He became good on the guitar and it made him feel good. We discovered he had a great voice and cold write beautiful music. The other kids paid attention to that and his self esteem blossomed.

It might help if you spoke to her teacher. Some children act differently at school than they do at home. I work on the playground at an elem. school and I see certain children making it almost impossible for themselves to be included due to behaviors like tattling, whining, bossiness, aggressiveness etc. The child doesn't see this, therefore cannot correct the behavior nor can they explain the behavior to the parents. Speaking to other adults at the school might help shine some light on the situation. :)

There seems to be a common thread, it sounds like your daughter may need some coaching on how to socialize. When the same thing happens over and over like this, there might be more to the story.

Many times, shy kids are actually liked by other kids because they don't do anything to annoy the others. Perhaps you should observe her to see if she is doing something that is bothering the other kids. Sometimes the smallest things that can be easily changed.

If the school has a counselor, I'd talk with her/him. I would also consider counseling with a child therapist so that your daughter would have support, know that she's OK while also learning ways to act differently.

Sixty years ago I was a very shy child and hung out mostly on my own. This felt alright to me. It's OK for your daughter to be a loner if she's happy. Don't try to push her into being more involved unless she's wanting to do it.

I don't understand why kids are treating her this way. Perhaps her teacher can give you some insight. I might also talk with the girl's and their parents and see what they have to suggest.

I'm so sorry she's going through this!

My answer will sound radical - if it were me (and I'm not saying you should do this because I don't know your situation) I'd pull her out of school and homeschool. Then I'd focus hard-core on getting her involved with homeschooling groups and extra-curriculars where she can discern her natural passions and interests. Then she will be around people who are a more natural fit. Traditional school is more of a numbers and luck game. Sometimes it's a fit but sometimes it's not.

I've seen homeschoolers do this really well. And they tend to be more accepting because they're not around other kids all day every day (so when they are together it's fun).

I was a very smart, nerdy kid and struggled a bit in school socially, especially after we moved a couple of times. But I absolutely loved college and thrived there.

Kids can get the wrong idea about themselves in traditional school. It's not the whole enchilada. There's more to life.

The other thing I wondered is whether this bothers you more than her. She might just be more introverted and prefer to hang by herself more than other girls.

I hope you can find some answers and peace with this issue! You're a great mom to care.

I'm so sorry, that's so tough. I'm not sure what could be done to help. It sounds like you have hosted play dates but maybe continue trying this with just one girl. Does she have any cousins or family friends that she feels comfortable around. Maybe try to encourage some safer relationships like this.

I do understand why the kids are picking on her -- because they CAN. It's kind of like lions jumping on a meek lamb, they are almost compelled by blood lust to do it. It's sad, and wrong, but it's how many kids operate. And pack mentality drags the other kids along.

Usually I suggest role-playing, to teach a shy, retiring kid how to stand up for herself, but in your daughter's case, it sounds like she is so shy, she might not be able to do it.

I agree with the others that you should get her involved in something outside of school that she can excel in, and build relationships through.

I also think you should talk to her and find out just how painful this whole school experience is for her. Homeschooling and homeschooling groups might be an option as another posted suggested, if your daughter wishes, until she can find a way to comfortably coexist with other students.

Another suggestion was to have her talk to the school counselor, and that should definitely be a start.

An activity that makes her feel strong, like martial arts, would be good if she is in up for it.

I would talk to the teacher and see what he/she observes about her behavior in class toward the other students.

I'd also enlist the help of the school guidance counselor. Maybe she can talk to her once or twice a week scheduled and then at anytime she feels a need during the day if something is bothering her. I know our counselor sets up regular appointments for some children and those children have access to the counselor at any time.

Some kids are just terribly shy and introverted.

What does your daughter like to do? Favorite activities? Get her involved with some sort of group (start small) with things she enjoys so she is around other children her age who enjoy the same type of activity.

Another issue sounds like poor self esteem. What about a martial arts class? Those are not only for martial arts training... they do wonders to help build self esteem, teach self discipline, perserverence, etc.

It just sounds odd that she is the lone one in any group she is in. Observe her at school if possible. One poster was correct in suggesting that she might be annoying others and not even realizing it.

Best wishes to you.

I liked TF's answer about getting her involved in some outside activity in hopes of making new friends away from school.

If you can, volunteer in the classroom and follow the kids to recess or lunch. Is your daughter trying to join established groups of friends or approaching a single child? Maybe the teacher could recommend another girl with a similar personality who is looking for a friend.

It's a tough situation to watch our kids go through but ultimately, she will navigate through it

It breaks my heart to hear your story. I have a few suggestions:

1) Find activities outside of the school system to find friendships to start. She needs one good friend (doesn't have to be a girl by the way or someone that is the same age) to build up her self-esteem.

2) Teach her how to self-advocate. Whether its you and her role-playing or learned through martial arts. Being picked on or bullied should be taken seriously especially with very kind souls. I'm putting my kid in martial arts class that will help him with that as well as to learn to protect himself.

3) Finally, what is the school doing about this? How can the school help in creating friendships for her. Have you spoken to her teacher and or other mothers?

I would talk with the school counselor as well, they can try and step in the class/recess to observe. I'd also work with her on her self esteem, if she often doesn't approach people for fear of being rejected that's something to work on. You don't want her putting too much value on what other people think to the point that she retreats and hides all the time because she thinks she's not "good enough". I'm not sure where you would find resources to help correct that way of thinking/feeling, but I'm sure the school counselor could help.

my daughter was very very shy.. throughout preschool.. she played alone.. interacted with the teachers..but not so much with the kids.

I socialized this child... we went to library story time, kindermusik, dance, gymnastics.. swim class.. you name it we did it.. most classes I was with her but gradually she went alone..

today.. my shy girl was playing with all of the kids on our block.

I recommend .. dance class... gymnastics... sunday school, girlscouts.. some activity to get her around other kids.. so she can learn to socialize..

You may not be up for switching schools again... but personally I would send her to a Waldorf School.

http://www.honoluluwaldorf.org/

You will find sweeter kids and sweeter teachers there, because esteemed behavior and cultivating good people is part of the curriculum.

I know some people would jump all over me for saying this, but I would highly recommend homeschooling. There is a misconception that homeschooled kids don't know how to "socialize". Well, yeah, of course, if homeschoolers stayed home all day and didn't do anything else. But all the homeschoolers we know are extremely social, and are homeschooling their kids because the traditional school setting was just so limiting, and they were sick of all the drama (like dealing with kids with lousy social skills, i.e. bullies). The homeschooling community tends to be extremely welcoming to all kids, no matter what their personality type. Everyone is appreciated for their uniqueness and passions and gifts. You will find people you and your kids connect with, and some you don't. But what is great, is your kid is not forced to hang at school with the kids who are rotten, day in and day out. And because most homeschooled kids have parents who really care about their kids social graces, they tend to be nice kids, period. I had my kids in public school before I homeschooled and I always felt like I was sending them off to the wolves every day, hoping they wouldn't get eaten, because they are nice kids and are taught to be kind to everyone. They are so much happier being homeschooled, and being around kids who act civilized now :)

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Eventualy she will find a friend just like her(shy) and then they will be like to pea's in a pot.
I also agree with the other post about finding her an outside activity from school.
You say she is a bright,loving, kind girl have you ever thought that if she made friends with the wrong kid of kids, those quality in her might just disappear. Kids now a days, know alot more (garbage) than they should. Sometimes things are the way they are for a reason.

A good teacher can intervene on this without it looking like a charity case. In the meantime, have her join a sport to build her esteem.