Hello my name is J. I have been married to my husband for 161/2 years and for most of those years we never had a problem with this, until about 3 year ago when I thought he was and I asked if he was smoking and he denied it and then the got caught. well now we are back at it again I think he is smoking again, when I ask him he at first was like no then I kept smelling it on him when he would come in from outside at night so I ask him and now he almost all the time gets defensive with me about it , the only problem is that he takes so long outside to work in the garage and to put his work things in his car, at one point It smelled like smoke in my car when he had to come and pick me up from work and I also tasted it on his lips when I kissed him and I smell it on him at times as well . should I just let it go and let him tell me when he is ready or what cause he lied to me before so I am so confused.
Respectfully asking..
Does it bother you that he is smoking because it's a gross habit or because it smells funny or what?
You don't really say why it is bothering you. You just say that every once in a while you smell it on him.
So, what's the problem?
L.
My now ex-husabnd promised to quit smoking for his 30th birthday (he was older than me).
Birthday came, he kept smoking.
I kept asking and asking him about it.
He started off lying, then finally just flat out told me he was smoking and that he didn't want to quit.
His lying about that led to a LOT of fights.
He started drinking heavily (again) and eventually we divorced.
NOT saying to divorce him over smoking or lying about it,
but it can be a red flag, and you DO need to confront it,
in my opinion.
Hmm, well, I feel differently than the others who have posted so far.
1) it's not just his business. As you point out, it tastes bad, it smells bad, and it endangers his health, all of which effect you (because if he gets lung cancer or has a stroke, you are taking care of him through it plus figuring out how to pay the medical bills).
2) he's lying to you, which means he knows you don't like it, and yet he's doing it anyway.
3) it's expensive.
The question for you is this - what are you going to do about it? Is this something you can live with? Is this something you want to bring to a marriage counselor? Or is this one symptom of bigger issues in life and marriage - lots of stress, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms, plus unwillingness to talk to each other honestly, and telling a lies to each other because you don't want to deal with the fallout of the truth?
You have to decide if you want to live with his nicotine addiction or not.
My husband and I both grew up around smoking family members (and one who used chewing tobacco).
We've both been to too many funerals of family/friends/co-workers who have died before their time of smoking related illnesses.
Whether they died agonizingly slowly or suddenly quickly it's a shock either way.
If either of us decided to take it up we would have to divorce.
We would consider it an irreconcilable difference.
It's not just his business.
It costs money that could be spent on other things.
It costs you/him sick days - smokers and people exposed to 2nd hand smoke get sick more often.
The smell gets in your hair/skin/breath, yellows his teeth, you don't want to know what his lungs are going to look like.
It might be a legal way to go to heck in a hand basket but a smoker doesn't go alone if he's not living alone.
I'm a smoker who has quit more times than you can count.
His smoking isn't hurting anyone but him. Your nagging about it is hurting both of you. His lying about it is hurting both of you.
Tell him you know he is smoking again, that it's his decision, but to please not smoke in your car or around the kids. Then let it go.
J.:
Welcome to mamapedia!
My dad was a smoker - he quit as a Christmas present to my mom some 20+ years ago....he did it while they went on vacation to visit my dad's parents....he got out of his routine...
My husband IS a smoker. He does NOT smoke in the house nor in my car. He quit when I got pregnant with our first child. He started up again two years later.
I DO NOT ask him to quit. I do NOT beg him to quit. He is a big boy and knows what his smoking is doing to his lungs...sad thing though? Our doctor has tried, in vain, to get him to quit - using the pulse-ox on him during his yearly physical and said that smokers NEVER get above 95% pulse-ox...my husband got 97%. Our Doctor shook his head and said - okay. I give....he has had XRAYS of his lungs every 3 years...nothing.
YOU need to decide if you are willing to stay with a smoker or not. He should NOT have to lie to you or hide it from you. Tell him what you will and will not accept. I told my husband - no smoking in the house - PERIOD. He said "OKAY" - that's our deal. He will brush his teeth or use mouth wash before he kisses me too. I'm fine with that.
COMMUNICATE with him. DO NOT nag him. It will only cause further division.
Good luck!
I think you need to keep this in perspective.
I'm a smoker.
Trust me, he doesn't "need" you to tell him he needs to quit.
He knows it already.
If he's lying, maybe it's because he doesn't want to listen to your nagging or sighing or expressing disappointment.
If he was honest and told you that yes, he's smoking again, what would your response/reaction be?
Is a 16 year marriage worth ruining over this issue for you?
Just like he has choices, so do you. You can say, "I need you to be honest." And then you have to accept it when he says he's not quitting.
You can also say, "Please shower and brush your teeth before you come to bed/kiss me/we are close." You can say, "Please do not smoke in the garage near my car since the smell gets in my car and bothers me." You can say these things without being mean or nasty about it.
It would bother me more if my DH lied than if he was smoking, and I don't like smoking. I would also make sure you get life insurance outside of his job when he is younger vs waiting for him to both be a smoker and another age bracket. (In fact, you should both have life insurance.) You and he can also make it a point to have other healthy habits as a family and to get physicals every year.
ETA: You can also take this opportunity to lay out the budget and make sure that his habit comes from his own fun money and not money that is needed for bills or the kids or groceries. If all needs are met and you have equal opportunity to spend the same on your own hobbies and habits, then that may also be another way to discuss the impacts without demanding he quit while wanting him to be honest.
It's a deal breaker for me.
My husband smoked (not too often) before we dated. I told him I will never date a smoker and I didn't want him to quit for me. He ended up quitting.
I'm in the camp that this nasty, disgusting, expensive habit affects the whole family not just the smoker.
I'm not sure what bothers you the most, him smoking or him lying. Figure out what is bothering you the most, then sit him down for a talk.
His health is definitely your business - it is good to be concerned.
And, he should not be lying to you.
Try to get him to be honest with you, without starting a fight...it's just that you care about him, and the two of you should be working through your issues (issues like nicotine addiction) TOGETHER.
As others have said- he's a grown man and if he wants to smoke that is his choice. Ask that he not do it in the house, in your car, or wherever you feel strongly it shouldn't happen and leave him alone.
Why does he have to try so hard to hide it from you?
You are his wife, not his mommy... If he feels like he needs to smoke, then let him smoke.
Go ahead and tell him how you feel about it, and be supportive of him if he makes an honest effort to quit. You could also set ground rules, such as no smoking inside, in the car, brush his teeth before kissing you, add to life insurance policy, etc.
But I feel that making a huge issue out of it will do your marriage more harm than it's worth. Already, it has fosterd a setting where he is keeping secrets and lying to you (if he truly is smoking again...)
I got my husband to quit smoking about 4 years ago... But he still snags one or two every so often. I give him the stink eye, make a sarcastic joke, then move on.
He is lying because you're giving him the opening do do so. Kids often do the same thing in an attempt to stay out of trouble. Stop asking questions and start making statements. "You taste like an ashtray." "My car smells. Don't smoke in the garage."
Smoking has always been a deal breaker for me. If my non-smoking husband was to start out of the blue it would cause a very serious problem for our marriage.
Just spending a couple of hours near someone that smells like smoke can trigger two days of congestion and watery eyes. It is not something I can live with, so a major life choice would have to be made.
Your profile doesn't say whether or not you have kids. If you do have kids, I would suggest trying to find way to convince him to quit. The children of smokers are exponentially more likely to become smokers themselves. Not to mention the health effects of second hand smoke. Your husband is a big boy, but he is also modeling behavior to your children and second exposure would be a major concern for me.
About a third of smokers will die from smoking-related illness. You have to decide whether or not you are willing to be with someone who takes that kind of gamble with their life and the security of their family. That said, nicotine addiction is incredibly strong, so have some patience with him if he does decide to try to quit!
It sounds like the issue here is that he is lying to you about the situation. No, I would not let it go. I would have a conversation with him about it.
You could always start smoking, then you wouldn't smell it on him anymore.
Pick your battles.
I dated a smoker once. Once. I was so grossed out kissing him. I also have a problem with lying. I can't imagine just letting it go, but I don't know what to tell you to do. Do you have kids?
