My 10 year old has been lying a lot. The other day, my husband put $20 on her lunch acct. Then she tells me that I need to make her a lunch b/c she was out of money on her acct. I totally called her out on it, saying that that was a dumb lie b/c if she wanted a different lunch, she just had to ask.
Well, my husband looked on her acct. today b/c she said that she needed more money on it. She told me that dad "forgot" to put money on it today and she was already grounded today b/c of something else. I let her have a meal after school b/c she said that she only had crackers and cheese for lunch b/c dad forgot to put the money on. The cheese and crackers is the "meal" that they get if they don't have money.
Come to find out, she had been buying cookies, ice creams, breakfasts (after eating at home), extra milks, etc. She KNOWS not to do this without asking which is why she lied about it.
I'm so frustrated with her! She eats well at home. She gets snacks regularly. She eats fruits, cookies, etc. I'm not a food nazi so that's not the issue. She just keeps disrespecting my rules and lying. I'm so sick of it!
We've grounded her for the week for the first time and we have talked to her about respecting your parents and that God doesn't like lying, etc.
Is this fairly typical for this age? Anything else that I can do to get it through to her? I KNOW that kids lie. I did it. She's gonna. But, it's a little out of hand at this age. What's it going to be like at 16???? *sigh*
Glad I'm not alone! She WILL be taking her lunch for the rest of the year. Im sick of the school having these horrible options as well. It makes me sick.
She's 10 and plenty old enough to make her own special lunch and take it to school. She's at a good age to be messing with recipes and creating sandwiches. I would say brown bagging would be a good way to solve the problem and would save you money. Take 20 bucks to the grocery store and have her pick out things for the week and get her a cute lunch bag.
I agree with Lesley B. I am a big proponent of using logical consequences for punishment. She lied about the money. So. now she must take the exact amount to school for lunch each day. Or if you don't want to mess with that, give her a specific amount and tell her to figure out exactly how many days it should last. Put it on the calendar and tell her you won't add more money until that date. If she wastes it, she will be eating a lot of cheese and crackers.:) This puts the responsibility of on her shoulders.
I would also recommend the book How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. You need to put a stop to the lying now or like you mentioned it is only going to get worse as she gets older. I think all kids lie at some point for different reasons.
I would tell her, "sorry, since you can't be honest, you have lost your privelege of buying food at school. You will be bringing your lunch from now on." Then, take your money to the grocery store and buy food to bring to school from now on. She is old enough to make her own lunch. No money in her lunch account, she can't buy at school. She has proven she's not responsible enough to make decisions with her money, so let her know that.
Also, I'm disgusted at what these schools allow our children to buy at lunch. They should be limiting this stuff!
Can you have the school cafeteria notate that she is not to buy the cookies and ice cream? My son went through a phase where he was always needing lunch money - I was constantly giving him $$$$. I found out that not only was he buying ice cream, daily, but buying it for his friends also!!! So frustrating - so I began to give him the exact amount of money he needed each day to buy lunch for that day only. If he decided to have ice cream for lunch instead of food, then he came home hungry, but still had to wait to dinner to eat. He finally learned that lunch money was for food and if he wanted the ice creams and junk I was not going to pay for it.
I think they lie because they don't want to get in trouble - kinda' like an ostrich, they stick there head in the sand and just hope the trouble goes away. If they lie, and tell us what we want to hear, then they can stave off punishment for a while...they just don't have the cognizant thought process to see that they will be in more trouble for the original problem compounded by the lying.
You are doing the right thing by calling her out on her lies and having consequences for the lying. Just be consistent. Also, let he know that coming clean in the beginning *may* mitigate the consequences but that lying on top of it, will double them.
Good Luck and God Bless
I suggest two books. One is utterly wise and practical, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The other is a bit startling, summarizing many studies about what REALLY goes on in kids' minds, called Nurture Shock, New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, a surprising exploration of why so much of what we believe about raising kids is just plain wrong.
How to Talk will respectfully get to the root of your daughter's "lack" of truthful communication, and help her understand that there are better ways to solve problems. You'll learn to support HER problem-solving skills, and she'll learn that to be a happy part of a functional family, she'll need to take YOUR needs into consideration, too.
Nurture Shock is an eye-opener, and has a great deal to say about why kids do the things they do. Here's an article by the authors on why kids lie and argue: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122....
I think it's typical for kids her age to not be able to quite handle some responsibilities, and then lie about it because they don't want to get caught.
I'm pretty sure my 9-year old would be buying cookies and ice cream if she had an account! I think as parents we put a lot of control in, and then when the kids are allowed to go off on their own they take advantage of the freedom.
I would have her solve the problem, which is what I do with my 9-year old when she does something similar. She used up all the money on cookies and ice creams--now what is she going to do for lunches? Guide her toward the right answers, but let her come up with the solution. The obvious solution is she is going to have to earn some money to pay for her lunches. Allow her to do this by doing extra chores, she should have to earn $20 since that was the amount she squandered. At a dollar a chore, she has about 20 chores she owes you.
In the meantime she should have to take a very, very boring lunch to school every day. I would say a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some fruit or veggies and water. The same lunch, every day, until she earns back the money.
I would think that would fit the "crime" better, and I think kids do better when they feel like they've solved the problem. When she grows up she'll make plenty of mistakes (we ALL do!) and hopefully she'll have learned how to correct her mistakes.
I do try (and I'm not perfect at it) to let my daughter know that we all make mistakes and she can come to me and tell me about it. We can figure out together how to solve it, and yes it might mean extra work or punishment but in the end we only hurt ourselves when we lie. By focusing on correcting her mistake (through extra work instead of punishment) I think it has helped with the lying a little bit.
At any rate, I don't think your daughter is the first to do something like this. Hopefully she will learn her lesson for the future.
My daughter is also 10 and we just went through the SAME exact thing with her. The difference is that she was buying double lunches and breakfast. Then when I said no more school food and I made her lunches she started "charging" breakfast and lunches so, I just got a bill from the school for $18.00 SOOO frustrating!!!
This is CRAZY. I am a homeschooling parent. So I was not aware they are allowing this nonsense in our schools. American's children are obese. So we are allowing them to CONTROL what they are eating at 10 years old?! What age does this start? I'm struggling with my daughter gaining too much weight and sneaking food at home. One thing my husband has discussed is that maybe we need to send her to school at some point to keep her away from food like that. I don't think we would do it anyway, but what would be the point?
Honestly, I would worry more about WHY she is doing this than the fact that she is lying. Is it the 'cool' thing for 10 year-olds to be 'shopping' for food? This is usually the first time kids have any control over purchases, and a method to buy them. I would discuss with her what you will pay for and what you won't. She can earn money around the house or through neighbors by doing chores to pay for the 'extras'. I would then set limits for her. ie: 1 breakfast and 1 dessert a week. Maybe you could pay for 1 extra milk or something?
If you let her help in the decision making, she might not have any reason to lie, she can satisfy her need to be independant, and she can learn about earning money, spending wisely and budgeting.
Of course, lying is wrong and disrespectful--but she already knows that and did it anyway. There must be a reason, and until you understand what it is, your problem won't be solved. Good luck.
It is typical...call the school cafe and tell them she is only allowed a lunch a one extra per day. Had to do it with mine up until this year (freshman in highschool). He would go through $20.00 in 3-4 days, after eating everything in my pantry.
At 10 I did a "lie jar" with my son. Every time he lied and I caught him in it he had to pay $1.00. I think he got up to about $10.00 before he figured out ok, i can't get much over on her. It was very motivating.
16 is just a whole other set of problems. Good Luck!
