So, We Went to the Movie with Our 5 Month Old. I Got a Phone Call

Sorry but I have to agree with the father. People generally do not take babies to the theater because they have a very short attention span and are likely to cry. People also generally take babies/kids out of the theater when they are crying. Also, he may not have the techniques down since he has been in Iraq. He has an extremely valid reason as to why he is not able to calm the baby as well as you, through no fault of his own. Please try and see this situation from the father's point of view.

Dear B.,
I have been reading your posts. Six in the past hour. My heart goes out to you. It's been tough for you. You are obviously stressed and understandably so. As my mother in law in constantly reminding me, babies are hard work. I am not sure where to respond. So I will post what I have to say here.

You have had six months to get to know this baby. Six months to fall in more love. Six months to figure out what your baby likes and what she doesn't like. Six months to know what makes her "tick". Six months to get a system that works for you. Your boyfriend has not been so lucky. You mentioned that he wasn't there for the first three and a half months of her life and in another post he was gone for another month. So basically he has known your daughter for 1 1/2 months, if even that. So on top of sorting himself out he is having to learn to be a father. He is trying to learn all these things you know in a matter of weeks. And lets face it, no matter how good a daddy a man may be he will never do it the way mommy would, My husband is an amazing father and I often shake my head to myself, wondering why he can't do it "right". Right or wrong, men just do things differently.

I can understand that the movies are a good escape for a while, but unfortunately, they are not the most baby friendly place. It was probably disappointing for both of you to have your evening interrupted.

This argument in the theatre encompasses a lot more than simply not knowing how to take care of your daughter. You are both scared, you are both hurt, you are both lonely and quite honestly, you are strangers who are trying to get to know each other once again. It's time to let go of some of the resentment and anger. It's time to learn how to move on from here. Figure out what those family dynamics are going to be.

Military life is tough. I am an Army brat, Both my father and step father each served 30 years. My mother has always said that the family serves in the military as much as the service men and women themselves. We may not be on the front lines, but we serve in other ways. Family time is sacrificed. Dynamics have to be relearned when service men and women come home after a long absence. The "normlacy" of everyday home life has to be kept up while they are gone. Someone has to run the house, pay the bills, feed the dog and make sure the oil gets changed.

Your situation is not an easy one. It's easy to see from your posts that things are not going the way you had hoped or expected. Instead of holding on to the anger and frustration, it's time to find a way to let that go. Whether that be through counseling or church. Or simply by sitting down and evaluating what you want out of this relationship. Even at six months, your child is being changed by this bitterness and anger.

I thank your boyfriend for his service and sacrifice. And I thank you for your sacrifices as well. I wish you good luck. Take care.

Please go to counseling. You are being totally unreasonable about this particular situation on so many different levels and I am too tired to go into it all right now. I'm sure the other mommies can and will point out those reasons just fine so I'll just leave it to them.

Being a mom to a newborn is stressful. Being a single mom to a newborn is really stressful. You are obviously very upset and very frustrated. You probably have some very real and legitimate gripes about your partner but your hostility is festering over and if you don't do something to deal with the issues that are really bothering you real soon, there's a good chance that you may end up being a single parent again -- this time permanently. I don't mean to come down on you -- we all have periods where things just suck and we are not coping as well as we should be -- but I am worried about your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your relationship.

Sending you prayers of clarity and healing.

Well, if I'm at the movies with someone, my phone is on vibrate and I only answer it if it's one of my kids and could be an emergency. Your baby was crying and you were gone and I'm sure your husband was embarrassed because really, nobody wants to hear a baby cry at a movie. I sure don't. I'm sorry you're having problems with the baby, but I don't think he was wrong here at all. You shouldn't have taken the call, probably, and he couldn't sit in a theater with a crying baby.\

ADDED: Your what happened had nothing to do with your question. Tell us, since you don't want our advice, what SHOULD have happened in this situation instead.
And, my dad also did everything around the house. He also taught me to be independent and help myself, which is why I change furnace filters, fix toilets, clean gutters, patch drywall, etc. You can too. Stop complaining about everything.

I've read your posts concerning this man and you need to calm down and give the man a break....

Also, he did the right thing by removing the baby from the movie theater. I took my babies to movies, but the second they cry, you remove them in order to not disrupt the other movie goers. He did the right thing.

Men sometimes take a little while to adjust to parenting, you've had a few more months than he has to learn it, he's only been around the baby for 2 months, and has had a traumatic experience he's been going through as well. Have you been very supportive of him and caringly showing him what the baby needs and how to learn what different cries mean?

I have a great idea, a lot of things that come second nature to women regarding babies, are totally lost on men. Get him a baby book he can read for certain things and read it together with him. It can help with learning about your baby and create bonding time for both of you.

What to Expect the First Year is a good choice:
http://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-First-Arlene-Eisenberg/...

As for the car tune ups and such, some men just arent' very handy. Mine never remembers to take out the trash or clean up the dog poop on the lawn, but he's great at making dinners and folding laundry! Sometimes, you have to figure out what works for the relationship and compromise on chores. Also, make a little honey-do reminder list as well for those other maintenance things. Take turns doing baby care as well, and really learn to love and appreciate each other again.

I would very strongly suggest couples counseling for the both of you, and counseling for him as well for his recent duty in Iraq.

First thank you to your husband for serving, secondly thank you for keeping the family home running back home. It is tough for both of you and it will take much adjusting for both of you and will take time, like months or more like a year.

There are all different types of men. It took my husband over 6 months to fully be comfortable around our daughter. So give your husband more time. YES it is frustrating but a lot of women have that instinct on how to handle baby situations or at least able to be calmer about the situations.

He did the right thing coming out of the movie with a crying baby, it is rude for him to stay in there with the other people with a crying baby. So he asked for help and did not know what to do... HELP him, it make take over a year for him to understand and be comfortable with the baby.

Every man is different, some are great and know what to do right off the bat while others need gentle guiding. Honestly you are comparing your father to your husband, BAD IDEA these are two different people. I am not say he should not help out, just saying that he feels unsure and knows you can do it better then him. At some point you may just have to say you need more support and help from him, that you need him to do his best at handling a baby situation or making a simple dinner. Be gentle and calm, let him know what you need or would like from him and ask what he needs and l would like from you. If you are expecting him to be like your father be prepared for him to say he can never be like him and maybe want out.

I can see both sides here. I can totally relate to wanting 5 minutes to yourself (I feel that way a little bit most days). I can see why he took the baby out of the theater (if even just to change or feed her or calm her down). My husband helps a lot and our older one is almost 5 but he still does not always think of the things I do automatically (check if the baby is hungry, dirty, uncomfortable, tired, dropped her toy, etc). He will need practice to get better at the things you have been doing since day 1. Also if he is dealing with a lot of his own emotional stuff he may be distracted or hesitant to jump in and do something. Listening to a baby cry and not know how to make it stop is so frustrating. When you are calm and not aggravated can you try and show him some of your baby soothing and baby care tricks? Also, I read your other post and I'm not sure he can handle a baby on his own right now--I know that is totally unfair because you had to do it, but sometimes life is very unfair and you both have a lot to handle right now. If you can find a way to get a baby sitter for an hour or two it may be a better way to get yourself the break you need.

Well I am assuming that he is recently back? Give it time, adjusting to being back and adjusting to him being back is a strain on everyone. He probably couldn't take the crying, we all have our days. Hang in there and thanks so much for sharing him with all of us for the protection of our country, you both deserve a medal!

I'm not sure I understand what you expected of him..... I won't comment too much on the situation only to say his taking a crying baby out of the movie theater sounds like the right decision to me. It sounds like you have some displaced anger because of what you went through with the baby. From what you've said, it was really rough and made more so in that you had to deal with it by yourself. I imagine Iraq was no picnic either though. Would short term counseling help you two? What you both went through is pretty significant and it is understandable you would need help to move past it and get back to a life together.

I haven't read the other responses, so sorry if I repeat. My guy wasnt that great at it at first. When I would leave to go shopping he would call me non stop with questions. Questions I thought were simple, but he just had no clue about anything. To me when a baby is crying you go through the routine in your head..are they hungry, do they have a messy diaper, are they gassy, etc. For my guy, as well as many, they just don't go through those questions in their head.
So, when he was off work, or had a day off I would verbally say those questions out loud until he got it. She starts crying, and just trying to sooth her isn't enough so I ask him, "Does she have a dirty diaper?" "When was her last nap?" "When did she last eat?" She's 20 months old now, and he does pretty good, but he is still unsure of himself at times. I think more then anything he didn't know how to fix her crying right away, so it flustered him.
You have to realize some guys just don't have that natural instinct, they have to learn it. Your baby is only 5 months old, it takes time for men to learn. My dad cooked and cleaned as well, but it still took time to learn the differences in his children's cries, how to quickly change a diaper (like a pro), how small to cut up the food when they start solids, etc. It's not like they know it off the bat. I say give it time. I know you may not want to hear that, but try to help him, help your baby.
Just speaking from experience. Good Luck to you

Each family has their own dynamic. In our house growing up my grandma did everything and grandpa worked. In my house now, my husband is home and cooks, sort of cleans, and picks our daughter up from school. I do most everything else, including work. Each parent has their own strengths and preferences. No one is giving him unfair breaks, and yes coming back from war is a huge adjustment that no one understands unless they've been there. In general dads don't handle babies as well as moms do, and seem to have less patience and instinct about diapers, fussiness, feeding, etc. Why six formula changes? I hope that's being figured out with the doctor, that's a lot of change for a baby's sensitive stomach. Being a new mom especially for three months alone is a huge job, hang in there! Every challenge is teaching you something you'll need later as they grow up :)

Since he has been physically violent with you in the recent past he should not be alone with the baby. You recently posted that he is not adjusting to life back from the war very well and may have PTSD. That is another reason he should not be alone with the baby.

If you need time for yourself, which most moms need a little "me" time, get a friend or neighbor to care for the baby.

And if no one helped you when you were a new mom and figuring things out, may you could see that he isn't getting any help either. Instead of being so hard on him, maybe you could be a little more supportive by helping him instead of complaining constantly.

So where is it really getting you to have no compassion for what he's going through? Fair or not, it is what it is, and you are making things worse by being so resentful about it. You should seek your own therapy. Someone needs to help you to understand that you need to give him time to get in the swing of civilian life. Your resentment is making you act like it's all about you, and that just is not going to get you the results that you want. I'm not saying who's right or wrong, just that you're not doing what is gonna work.