Son Alienated by Cousins

Sooooo, we have a big family with a lot of cousins and a lot of variety in parenting styles and coping behaviors.

A lot of what you describe sounds like typical gang mentality between kids, meaning they pick on the one they can get away picking on.

I recommend it's time for a big cousin pow-wow.....you and sister sit them all down together and have a big heart to heart conversation, before the next event starts, and remind them of how to play fairly, what the rules of playing together, that we learn to include everyone, not exclude, and most importantly end with the mental image...how would it feel to them to be treated the way they were treating your son???"

Ask the kids directly, "how would you like to be treated this way? How would you feel if you had the door slammed in your face when you were running after your cousins?"

I really believe it's important to get the kids to think about their choices towards their cousin. They are not making choices that create love and unity, but ones that create conflict and hurt feelings. They need to be made aware of this dynamic before it's too late.

And it's probably best you watch the kids and reward them when they learn to be nice.

Personally, I'd not allow any door slamming in my home from any kids and especially on the face of someone else.

The cousins you describe sound out of control and the sister seems OK with their rowdiness.

So, you need to step in and stop the bullying, because, and remind all these kids that it's not OK, especially at home.

If you're a religious family, you can quote the "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you."

I have found that the above approach works well with kids who have learned some modicum of respect for their parents. Otherwise, I'd be out of there after a concerted effort to set things on a better path.

GL!

BTW - I just read your first post about how aggressive your very own son is in relating to other kids...so first and foremost, your own son has to also follow the above guidelines. Not just the other kids. He does not get a free pass on these expectations. He is going to be in a world of isolation until he learns to stop hurting others and acting out.

Why do you rely on the other parents to let their children know that how they're treating your son is unacceptable? You're within your rights to step in and reprimand. You don't have to take the victim role or teach your son to play victim either. He's not a victim because he came into the family as an adopted child. Chances are this would be happening even if he were biologically related.

I take it he's the youngest child? That makes him an easy target. If he's not the youngest, then he's possibly developmentally behind the other children in some way? Again, that makes it easy for him to be "left behind" and blamed for when the group does something they're afraid to get in trouble for.

Where's your husband in all of this? Are these his siblings? What does he have to say about his son being treated this way?

When we go to my MIL's, my middle SIL's children (who are the same age as two of my girls) sometimes intentionally exclude my girls and then play dumb. I don't let them get away with it. I confront them. I tell them directly that it's not polite and it's not loving to their cousins, and I ask them how they'd feel if my daughters did it to them. I also point out how upset my girls are. I do this very gently, and use it as a teaching moment, but the point is that my nieces are confronted very clearly with the results of their actions and how hurtful they are. My SIL is supportive of this on the rare occasions that it happens. It's more than "kids will be kids" and mob mentality. It's not being held accountable for behavior that's repeatedly hurtful. Once or twice, fine.... you can overlook it. Over and over? No.

EDIT: After your SWH: It's really not entirely a "cousin" and "other children" problem. It's a parenting-of-the-other-children problem, and so I'll just reiterate that since your child is on the ADHD spectrum and doing his best to maintain control of his own behavior, and as a result it's being taken advantage of, you're fully within your rights to exert authority over the other children. You con't have to inflict a punishment, but you can certainly let them know enough is enough and it's not acceptable.

I still don't believe it's about him being adopted unless you're not sharing something about his adoption that's relevant. Do these cousins that are the same age know he's adopted? Do they taunt him about it? My husband has cousins who have adopted children, and my children, nieces and nephews aren't aware of it even though there are obvious ethnic heritage differences.

Next time you go to a family function - keep your son with you and YOU play with him.
The other kids can come over and join your group of two, but if they run off, your son stays with you.
That keeps him from being thrown to the wolves - and you are right there to make sure about what goes on.
You don't have to stay long - you can leave any time.
And sure - some events you can skip altogether.
Sometimes getting along with a group JUST to get along with a group is just not worth it if the group acts like a pack and attacks the outsider.
They are not worth it.

he is getting the short end of the stick. however, i think you're making things worse by branding it as cruel (it's not nice, but it's pretty typical 'not nice'), by crying, but expecting everyone else to elevate this to high alert status.
if you are on constant alert, and everyone is leaping to admonish the other kids and instruct them on how they should feel about your son, it's only going to backfire.
i'd take a very low key approach. hovering and constant intervention will not teach the other kids how to be nice, nor your son how to cope. do some role playing at home in how to use his voice to say 'that hurts me! please don't do that!' or 'that's not what happened, i didn't do that.' if you see your son getting locked out, knock on the door and say 'barney wants to play too. please let him in.' and understand that children automatically push off the blame. 'we didn't see him' isn't honest and should be addressed, but it's also a very common reaction when kids feel put on the spot.
it sounds as if the other parents are conscious of what's going on and are indeed trying to make sure you and your son are included. maybe they're not doing it enough. maybe they could be more pro-active. and maybe you're being a bit hyper-sensitive too.
i don't think that tears, avoiding family functions, and reinforcing your son's sense of alienation are helpful. work with him on developing independence and confidence. both of you should be less reliant on how other people behave.
khairete
S.

I 100% second Mum4ever's advice, it is what I was going to suggest - you and SIL sit everyone down and go over treating others the way you like to be treated and how small meannesses are a BIG deal and a no bully policy!

If there is no change, then stop being around them, it is not worth it!!

I hate this type of stuff and it breaks my hearts. It is not "harmless" and "kids being kids". It is hurtful and mean and why should we let it go.

Good luck.

I think you are dragging way too much into this, like the ADHD and adoption. I have ADHD and was adopted, no one in my family treated me differently. I point this out because without knowing it we color our perception of reality with our ideas of what reality is.

Not sure if that makes sense but what I mean is if you think it is about the ADHD and adoption then that is what you are going to see, rather than the truth.

My kids get treated poorly by the cousins on their dad's side. It has nothing to do with me, or that they have ADHD, PDD and all that fun stuff, it is because my ex's sisters are very close so their kids are very close. They are like friends where my kids are cousins. This could be what is going on, I don't know.

Granted those cousins got the short end of the empathy stick since they try to get my older cooler kids to hang out with them and ignore their little sibs. Kind of like, did you sort that one out at all? Thing is though that shows to me what is going on, they are best friends and see my kids as the other family they don't know well. Unless my kids bring something cool to the table, like their own house, ability to drive, they see no worth in treating them like friends.

Here is the rub, if my ex's nieces and nephews were over at my house and they had their cousins from my side over as well, my kids would blow my ex's family off as well. Not because of pay backs but these are the cousins they know better, that are their friends.

I hope that made sense. :)

How can you continue to let these children be cruel to your child? You simply don't. You should try again to approach the parents about the situation. If at that point, the behavior does not stop, then YES you stop going to family functions. When asked why, you tell the truth...you no longer wish to expose your son to the way the other kids treat you.

If my child's feeings were being hurt like this, I would not take him to any more of their functions.

And why do parents let their kids continue to do this? Because they don't practice empathy. And if they don't practice it, then they don't teach it.

If you are really that close to these adult family members, then maybe a PHOHE CALL (not text; not e-mail; a real live phone call) to one of them to nicely explain how their children make you and your son feel should be made. If they don't know or don't recognize that they're doing it, then they can't/won't correct it. I would make a phone call (or 2) and then try one more time. If it happens again, I would actually sit down with the KIDS and explain it to them. After that, I would not attend any more functions.

What good is it to have family if all they do is make you feel bad?

This is the type of question to read when I agonize about not living closer to my family . . . sometimes it's not all sweetness and light is it?

If it were me I would not go out of my way to be around these people. For whatever reason everyone has gotten the message that it's OK to run rough-shod over your son.

With my own family, I just love my nieces and nephews dearly (and they're good kids). But EVERYONE in my family knows that my sons come FIRST to me, and always will. You mess with them you mess with me. And you will not be allowed to do that for very long.

I would also try to not act emotionally about this in front of my child, because then he has to deal with your feelilngs besides his own. And he may end up blaming himself for you not getting to see your family more.

You guys need to find your own "tribe" of people - people who you enjoy and whom enjoy you. They are out there. I would quit wasting time with people who don't get it (even if they are family).

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it's a wake-up call about some things that have been below the surface for a long time.

ETA: I like the other moms' ideas about talking to your siblings first and addressing the overall group behavior. My only problem with that is that kids who behave that way tend to have parents who allow them to do it in the first place, and it's a hard habit to unlearn. I just prefer to deal from a position of strength. That's one thing bullies tend to understand.

I think Mum4ever has some fabulous points. I think it's better to appeal to the cousins' higher good - who wants to be a hero in this situation? Who is strong enough and confident enough to be the leader, to include everyone, to be sure everyone is treated fairly? Who is so weak that they can only feel good by picking on someone and excluding him? Do they do that in school? (Note: probably) What does that say about the kind of person they are?

Then, you need to work on your own reaction, and your son's. I don't know why you bring up his being adopted - that has nothing to do with anything and there is no point in reminding him or anyone else of this fact. It is irrelevant. Your son needs to learn to be strong enough to walk away, to stand up for himself, and to be sure his behavior is not something that can be criticized.

The one mom told you not to worry, that all the kids broke the piñata. But you are still upset about it. Kids do this stuff - the less reaction from the adults, the better - if they don't get a lot of attention, it will lose its appeal.

The door slamming - the last kid is always the one who gets locked out. It might not have been personal. But you're going to see it that way because of the other incidents.

I'd matter-of-factly tell the kids to stay away from each other unless they can play well. Let them ALL know that, if they are too young to play unsupervised, they can play in front of the grown-ups. If they want to play on their own, then everyone plays and there better not be any exclusion or any tears.

But your son needs to speak up and not feel that this has anything to do with being adopted or having ADHD. Give him the strength to know that he is important and valuable, and NOT A VICTIM!

It sounds like there is some sort of undercurrent that you are not seeing or picking up. When things get that way with my in-law side of the family we pack it up and leave. Stating we're very tired, or the kids are tired, or we have to go home and rest because we have something big going on the next day.
My kids don't have cousins to play with, so they don't get rowdy. However, if they are playing in the basement of my in-laws and my f-i-l comes out of his office and sees any toys out he starts yelling at my kids and if they cry he makes fun of them and calls them names. At that point my husband will be there and intervene, and then as soon as the toys are picked up we leave.
You discipline your son different than your relatives and so they are allowing things to happen. They could also be talking and their kids hearing what they are saying.
The greatest advice I ever got from my gma is: Show up late and leave early. We show up right on time and we leave early, and when tension is really bad, we leave way early.

I wouldn't stand for it either. I wouldn't want my child to feel bad about themselves either. Do you have him in anything that he loves? Boy scouts, Karate, sports? This should help his self esteem.

We know a little girl who my daughter adores, but this little girl is not always nice and when she gets around other little girls is mean to my daughter. I stopped spending time with this little girl. My daughter doesn't understand and I just say the other little girl is busy. When we would have to go around this child (mutual friends of a friend) I always bring something my daughter is into. She can focus on that and if the others want to join yay! However it is my daughters and she has control over it. If they start to get rude she can just close up shop and go somewhere else. I have stepped in, in the past, and nothing changes, maybe for a couple minutes. I tell her to ignore them and play without them if they are going to be butts. I just explain that not everyone is nice and that it doesn't feel good so that is why WE should be nice to everyone. She does okay with that.

If this were a family situation I would be comfortable enough to bring it up to the family members involved. If they aren't understanding I would stop attending!

Updated

I wouldn't stand for it either. I wouldn't want my child to feel bad about themselves either. Do you have him in anything that he loves? Boy scouts, Karate, sports? This should help his self esteem.

We know a little girl who my daughter adores, but this little girl is not always nice and when she gets around other little girls is mean to my daughter. I stopped spending time with this little girl. My daughter doesn't understand and I just say the other little girl is busy. When we would have to go around this child (mutual friends of a friend) I always bring something my daughter is into. She can focus on that and if the others want to join yay! However it is my daughters and she has control over it. If they start to get rude she can just close up shop and go somewhere else. I have stepped in, in the past, and nothing changes, maybe for a couple minutes. I tell her to ignore them and play without them if they are going to be butts. I just explain that not everyone is nice and that it doesn't feel good so that is why WE should be nice to everyone. She does okay with that.

If this were a family situation I would be comfortable enough to bring it up to the family members involved. If they aren't understanding I would stop attending!