Son Created Facebook Page Against Our Rules

this would be a total shut-down in this house. i know many consider this to be normal and okay, but i would not.
this boy would need to re-build trust with me from the ground up.
stand firm, mama!
khairete
S.

I would ban him from being online and also would watch him at the computer from now on so he doesn't have the opportunity to do this again.

ok i'm J. going to say I'm going to be in the minority

My parents were insanely strict. well my dad was and abusive and my mom didnt want to be bothered...so i shoudl say my dad was insanely strict

i can tell you. when you make rules that are so hard for kids to follow then its likely you're setting them up for a web of deception lies and the wrong path.
facebook is the new norm. i have a 10 year old niece and nephew on it. their parents allowed it but their parents created it and have the password and are their friends on it, as are aunts and uncles. they cant add friends without permission and parents go can go over it.

i think these are fair rules for a very young age.
At 12 I would think the same rules but less monitoring is fair.
all kids are on it. and yes i know follwoing the croud is bad BUT this sint drugs its like having a phone nowadays.

maybe if you're having issue after issue, loosen up a tad and be firm on the important stuff so he's not getting in trouble all of the time?

i dont have a teen so myadvice is based of M. being a teen not in a parents perspective at all yet.

The issue isn't facebook. The issue is that he was deliberately disobedient, then he lied. Further, he lied with some confidence and accomplishment.

It's time to lower the boom. Explain to him that he has lost your trust and will have to earn it back with honesty and good behavior. Obviously he can't be trusted with the computer, so take away all computer privileges. Tell him that if he needs the computer for school he needs to bring a note from whatever teacher has that assignment for that day. If you explain it to the teachers before he has to they will be cooperative. This means that he can't go to friends' houses for awhile, too, so he won't have access to their computers. He'll understand this when you explain it to him.

If he has a phone he needs to give it to you, too. If he has to have it for safety sometime give it to him on a case by case basis.

Next, let him know that since he lied with such confidence, you have to assume that he has been lying to you about other things. He needs to gain your trust and respect back through honesty. This will be hard on you because if he comes and confesses something to you that you don't like you'll need to just say "thank you for telling me" or "thank you for being honest with me" and not react to the actual news that you may not be happy about.

I wouldn't put a timeline on losing the computer. Just say that he's off the computer until you know you can trust him.

Lying to parents needs to be taken as a very serious offense. Imagine 3 years from now if he has a traffic offense and tries to lie to a judge! Sneaking around with the computer needs to be treated as seriously as if he had been sneaking out of the house at night. Either he shows respect for you and the family rules or he doesn't. This is a great opportunity to teach him that he must respect you. Period. This is an easier time to teach him that you are serious about this than after he sneaks out with your car and gets in a wreck.

i agree with the other moms. watch him delete the account, then keep all computer use to ONLY school/homework related, and ONLY within sight of you. otherwise he's grounded from the internet (this means phone too, if he has that- turn it off). he's at a very crucial point right now mama. you HAVE to do this or it will just escalate.

however, i can't stress this enough - I wholeheartedly disagree with Manda F - she may not have been trying to be "rude" but she certainly seems more worried about being the cool parent than helping you deal with this situation. (and yes i saw that you didn't "ask" him or set him up to lie - you told him you knew he had one - and THEN he lied) he needs you to follow through on the guidelines you had already laid out - not give in and let him be on FB because it's "cool" and "everyone else is doing it". you made the rule - he broke it. bottom line. internet use is a privilege and he lost it.

Well he broke your rule AND lied to you. Unfortunately it proves he is not mature enough to deserve privileges and the responsibility of a Facebook page.

This is what we always taught our daughter. If we give you a rule, if you break it, it will cause us not to give you the freedoms you want.

If you are honest, follow the rules and proper behaviors, you will gain privileges and considerations..

But if you l behave in a deceitful way...we will not feel you are mature enough to be trusted..

This is his own fault. If only he had followed your rules, I am sure if he had proven his maturity, you would have considered it eventually.

He is testing and you are doing the right thing by proving you are serious about the standards and behaviors, you know he can achieve. You love him too much, to allow him to be a liar. He is better than that.

Well, Mama, you certainly know your son well enough to know that he isn't mature enough to have a facebook page. (Though I've seen some astonishing stuff on articles about fb pages - grateful that none of my friends do the kind of stuff I read about!)

I think that you might want to actually talk to a male teen counselor about the issue of lying and contempt that he is showing you. I would NOT take him first. And I would walk away from any counselor who tells you that you made a mistake in telling him no to FB.

After you feel that this is the right counselor for your son, take him. Let the counselor work with him alone.

The reason I recommend this is that there are 3 things here that have come together to make me feel this way. Defying you when you told him no to FB, what he posted on FB - VERY defiant, and the WAY he acted when he was found out on the lie. Just the word "chilling" makes me think that you have more problems with him than just the FB and the teen stuff going on.

If it's not as bad as it seems, it will still help, I think.

Good luck,
Dawn

I disagree with those who think it's okay to have a FB page if you are under 13. The rules of FB clearly state that you have to be 13, and the only way to get one is to lie about your birthday! HOW is that right? To lie about your child's birthday?

My SD's mom keeps setting her daughter up with one and I keep reporting her so it gets deleted. I know my SD is not mature enough to have one since she has done such immature things such as texting a picture of her bare butt to a friend, friending someone she didn't know just because his picture was cute, and making up inappropriate videos of herself with her friends. She is now 11, and when she is mature enough to be responsible for what she posts online then I think she can have one. I know of a few people who have had their lives ruined because of a small comment made online. Not to mention the celebrities that get endorsements taken away from comments made!

I agree with you mama on not letting him have one. I think all electronics should be put away and let him know he needs to earn your trust back. After he does that, when his is 13 or older you will consider letting him have a FB page that you monitor.

Discuss with him the consequences of what is posted online. I think that's the "maturity" part of having a FB page or any online or electronic communication. Young kids just don't THINK before they post and the consequences are enormous.

It seems you have had 'trouble' with your son for over a year, according to your past questions. This is way deeper than a facebook account being setup behind your back.
Clear boundaries need to be set. The parent/child relationship needs to be made very clear. I'm sorry you're having trouble, but it needs to be put in check now.

This is simple really.

If he has his own computer in his room - remove it from his room and set it up in a family central location in the home. That way you could actually monitor his computer use.

Passwords and Parental Controls - Set up a user account for him on the computer, not an admin account. Then set up user controls that will allow you to limit the times of day he can log in, and allow you to set restrictions on what internet pages, and types of pages, he can access.

Delete the FB account. Go to Tools, select Options, Select Security, Select Show passwords. Most likely it will show his FB password. Log in and delete the account.

Also, ongoing dialogues about mutual respect and how he has to show the appropriate maturity in order to earn expanded computer privileges. Lying, I think, fairly normal, but his response to you after (calling you a creep) was out of line. IMHO. These should be treated as separate incidents.

Report him to facebook. The rules state that you have to be 13 to have a facebook page. Scroll down on your fb page and click "terms" and statement of rights and responsibilities.

All of the teens I knew who have a fb page have one with the understanding that their parents will be their friend and will monitor their fb activity or no fb page.

A logical consequence is to have him take himself off of Facebook while you watch and then ground him from using the computer for a specified length of time. I would ground him until he's able to truthfully tell you that he understands the rules and is willing to follow them. I'd have him write down the rules first and have a conversation with him about what you expect. Then have him sign the rules indicating that he agrees with them.

It is natural that you will be very hesitant to believe him. He'll have to show you that he can be trusted. I'd supervise his computer activity for awhile once he is allowed to use it.

Do all of this in a calm way. Do not lecture. State everything as fact including the fact that because he lied to you you will be hesitant to believe him in the future. He'll have to show you, thru consistent honesty. that he can be trusted.

I would be careful chalking this up to normal behavior. Where I come from this is only the behavior of the punky kids. It sounds like you are going to have to work to make sure that your son does not follow down this path that he has started on. Absolutely start with taking away his online privileges unless school realated and take away his cell for at least 2 weeks.

No sorry, this is not normal pre-teen behavior. He blatantly disobeyed the rules, then bold-faced lied about it, then blew up and disrespected you, not to mention the expletive hand gesture in the picture...

He needs to understand that he's really compromised your trust in him, and there should be consequences for this, big ones.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, I really don't have any real advice, but sending good thoughts your way.

Not only should he be off Facebook, but he should lose computer privileges. Is there some physical labor that needs doing around your house? Where is his dad in all of this? His dad needs to get in his face and instruct him to NEVER EVER speak to his mother like that.

Ask your son if he thinks the photo of him and his finger will get him a job some day. Point out to him that employers, even a part-time job, can look at stuff like that to see who they would hire. Tell him what giving the finger really says and ask if he is planning to drop his pants and follow through. Boys at 12 need to hear things really bluntly. Again, where is his dad or other father figure.

When he tells you that you hate him, he hates you, etc., just act like he is telling you what time it is. No reaction. Act almost bored. You cannot reason with an adolescent once he gets to that level of conversation. Just walk away and maybe say, "OK" with a bored look on your face. If you react, he will come back again and again. If you have no reaction, he will finally get bored with himself.

I believe in natural consequences. He went behind your back and created a FB page, then lied about it.

Delete the account
Take his computer away for a set amount of time (2 weeks, a month, whatever you think)
While he's grounded from it, install parental controls and blocks on any website you don't want him using
Do the same with his phone if he has one so that he can't access FB on the phone
When he's allowed to use it again, keep it in a "family area" so you can check in and see what he's doing.

And most of all, don't cave and give him unlimited access back again. He needs to know that you mean business. Follow through on this consequence or you will have much bigger problems as his teen years progress. You are not here to be his friend. You are here to be his parent, and to keep him safe.

You have been having trouble with him for awhile.
"I realize this is normal pre-teen behavior".
First problem you have is you are accepting and expecting it and then rationalizing it.
Our son is 14 and he has never acted this way.
Report the underage FB account and they will delete it.
If you have not do so already - take away all electronics - phone, tv, games(video, console, hand held, etc), computer.
He can use the computer only for school work and only where he will be watched while doing it.
He doesn't need to be going to any friends houses.
You need to sit him down and explain he's 12, in 6 years he will be an adult and if he REALLY hates living with you so much he'll need to use the next 6 years in forming up his exit plan - get an education, get a job, move out and be an adult with total control over his life.
I'm sure a recruiter will be more than happy to talk to him about what he should be doing now if he wants to join the army/navy as soon as he's old enough.

Twelve? The lies, the finger photo....yikes. I do not blame you for being upset.

I'm GUESSING (maybe totally wrong) by the way he's acting, and the fact his photo is nasty instead of nice, that there are behavioral reasons he was forbidden from having the page to begin with? It doesn't sound like this is the first time you've butted heads. ?.. My daughter is only six, and I want to keep her off the internet as long as humanly possible but I'm thinking by twelve, IF she's a good, responsible kid, and WITH MY FULL ACCESS, I MIGHT let her have a page. Depends.

It's very difficult what to suggest in this situation for you without lots of other background information. My first impulse is that for some reason he has NO RESPECT for you or your husband's authority (and he's not even a teen yet) and NO FEAR of what will happen to him for doing this or lying about it. It suggests he has all the nice things he wants no matter how he acts, and he's a bit spoiled without enough boundaries.... So on that possibly wrong assumption I want to suggest MAJOR consequences and boot-camp style behavior management for a while with you and dad as a tough united front. Strip his room, take away his privileges, let him earn back all lost privileges with hard work, therapy etc....

HOWEVER, is he acting this way because you and dad have been WAY TOO STRICT, and he's lashing out at you feeling he has nothing left to lose because all you ever say to him is no and he's used to being punished 24/7 so he's flipping off the world and hates your guts?

In that case, I would say you guys need loving bonding, positive incentives and compromises...so I really can't say. I think you guys need a major family conference and maybe some outside help to get a handle on this and don't wait, he's at such a crucial stage!!!! Blessings!

***Manda, kids do not need to be "protected from lying" by parents carefully avoiding certain questions. The shrinks saying so(I've read those articles) are ruining kids imo. That's why so many kids now lack consciences and feel no need to tell the truth, they've never mastered the difficult skill because everyone lets them off the hook about it. Heck yeah is sucks to fess up to the cold hard truth and face the music, but it's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to grow those kind of balls for good character. People will lie their whole lives if they feel they get away with it or that it's "unfair" to be put on the spot.

This is NOT normal preteen behavior. He definitely needs consequences. First, report the page for being underage. That's a natural consequence. Second, you need to re-establish your house rules. He needs to be part of the discussion and understand why you have a rule against lying AND why you have a rule about not having a Facebook page (internet safety, etc).

I would take away some privileges for a minimum of a month and AFTER that month is over he has the chance to start earning them back one by one through chores, respect, proving he can be trusted in different ways, etc. Take away ANYTHING and everything that plugs in. No computer unless it's homework. Nothing electronic. No phone, no cell phone, no techie gadgets, no video games, no TV, no movies. Nothing.

Even then, if he has his own computer and he's doing homework don't let him keep it in his room ever again. It should be in the living room with the screen facing the center of the room on a desk from now on. Set parental controls on the computer. Keep a desktop sign on for him, and create a password for it that he doesn't know and can't guess. Supervise his computer usage. Check his browsing history on the computer AND cell phone daily in case he's sneaking on, and do the same once he's earned them back. Once he has his technology back, set time limits daily and weekly. No earlier than ____ AM and no later than _____ PM and no more than ___ hours per day totaling no more than ____ hours per week. Make a chart and keep track of his tech hours. This will help him stay accountable for his tech time. Since he can't be trusted and proved it, he has to earn it back.

I disagree with those saying to lighten up how strict you are about this. Clearly you NEED to be strict about it. He hasn't earned the right for you to loosen up about it. He's lost the privilege of you even thinking about lightening up the rules by thinking out how to get around it, lying about it, being sneaky about it, hiding it from you, intentionally doing all of this... it wasn't like it was even impulsive. He did something untrustworthy. Why reward that with giving him some freedom? He made a very, very bad choice that could have seriously backfired on him in some serious ways. He clearly doesn't have very good decision-making skills and he could have easily friended someone who didn't have his best interests at heart. Bullies and child predators come to mind. He has no clue about internet safety.

My husband & I were against our oldest(14) setting up a FB page but after her following a Twitter account for a bit, we realized there was much less to see there and we could monitor it. Plus you have many eyes looking out for you, as she has been on her 2nd strike for quite a while for a post she put up and a comment a friend made. One more & it's gone. Another thing that made her realize how "real" this thing is was a day spent w/her dad at the Sheriff's Dept when he put her to work filing the missing children's reports and she saw how many young teenage girls disappeared or had been lured by someone they had met online. Your son needs to realize that what he did was wrong, and yes I buy the whole everyone is doing it bit, but when I was younger everyone was smoking and I won't even begin to tolerate that in my house because I think at some point they know what they are doing, and they realize that it is just wrong. But to look you in the eye and not to have taken the chance and to come clean with you, my daughter lost her phone for 3 months for doing something similar. She gave me the whole "what if I need to get in touch w/you bit, what if there's an emergency" and I simply told her that if there were a true emergency everyone around her has a cell phone & I bet someone would call for help. Best of luck to you on this one :)

While he will likely make another one, I'd report this one to FB. But further, he needs to know why you feel the way you do and you need to know why he made it and posted a public picture of him flipping off the world. What's going on with him that he's online like that, lying to your face and defying you? Some amount of rebellion is "normal" or at least "common" but just because "everybody" does it or deals with it doesn't mean you have to accept it for your family. So while I would remove his access to the internet for a while, I'd also try to get to the bottom of it. And no matter what, he needs to know that you will check stuff out because you are his PARENT, it is your JOB and you LOVE HIM. He is angry he got caught, but he probably only hates you as much as I "hated" my mom when she wouldn't let me run my own life because I was being stupid. Sometimes your job is not to be liked.

Further, he needs to know what the ramifications are for being online and spouting off. Some of my stepson's friends are frantically scrubbing their FB pages in anticipation of internships, jobs and graduation - but some of them are going to find out that nothing is ever really gone. There are kids spouting off in public with racist and violent comments and sites that go out and collect this - does he really want that to be him?

Kids do stupid stuff, but I wouldn't ignore this one. If this is a symptom of a bigger issue, then you should consider family counseling.

If my rule was no facebook and my son did it anyway. I would have a problem with that also. I would have it deleted and he would be off all electronics for a long time.
My son is 13 and he has fb. I do monitor it all the time. All his friends are on fb so I felt it was just part of a 13 year olds life these days. I also check his texting to be sure he is being responsible and respectful.
You must have good reasons of your own why he cannot have a fb. He might be feeling left out of the loop by not having one and went behind your back. Kids will test you and most of time get in trouble for it. Good luck!

If that's "normal preteen behavior" then I am glad that none of my children, nieces or nephews were normal. We did not tolerate disrespect in our households. Except for more leeway for one severely special needs child, but then, he would not know how to make a FB page.

At this stage, with your son being as old as he is... advice? Don't consider this normal and just shrug it off. Since he has shown he is too immature to be trusted on a computer, do not allow him access except in front of you. Take away **everything** including going to friends, and let him **slowly** earn back privileges. It is a LOT harder to regain trust than to maintain trust. It is an important life lesson for him to learn.

If the *law* is that no one under the age of 13 is allowed to have a Facebook, then I disagree that if everyone else has one he should too. We must teach our kids to obey and respect.

Personally I will allow my kids to have one at 13 BUT only with the understanding that I will have their passwords and I will check periodically.

As for your situation, sounds like there has been some big problems and counseling is in order. The parents need to sit down and write out expectations and the son should also make a list of things that are upsetting him so everyone can talk openly and come to a conclusion.

I would remove all technology from his possession even a cell phone if he has one. He shouldn't be allowed to go to friends homes or anywhere else where technology is easily available.

What a wide spectrum of opinions. I'll throw mine in.

Has there been a conversation about what his real, unmet need is? The flipped-the-bird pic sounds like macho posturing, so I wonder if he's done this as an attempt to fit in with his peers in some way.

(I ask this having recently attended a seminar on raising boys.Kathy Masarie has a book called "Raising our Sons" which is excellent; she joked that the largest section of the book is on safety/risky behaviors, which I think this could be considered.)

That said, I do agree that just because everyone else's parents are okay with breaking the restriction of no FB before does not mean that it's okay for you just roll over and play along. I agree that we are not here to be our children's friends, but to be their parents. It sucks, especially when we end up in the 'not cool' category.

I wonder if there is a non-confrontational statement you can make about all of this. "When you lie to me about things I know you've done, I feel frightened and wonder what else you are not telling me about." "When you put a picture of yourself in public doing something rude, I feel concerned that you are giving the world a very negative impression of yourself and that they will come away thinking you a person who thinks very little of yourself or others. I am concerned that this will limit your opportunities."

I do agree that finding a counselor would be helpful. Moms and boys often do not communicate along the same lines, in the same ways. I would also make an agreement with him that if he will not open an new account until he's 13, then he can have one with the provisions everyone has suggested. And then, have some conditions attached (homework done first, no slamming people, only pictures of himself/friends that we'd be fine with the grandparents seeing.).

And I do understand your concern. I have an adult cousin who has a FB page with rows of ammo on it as wallpaper and idle threats "if you don't like me... well, blah blah blah." He comes across as quite a douche-bag.

I've done quite a bit of reading on the problems of FB and internet usage for teens. One consequence, as you pointed out, is that there becomes a 'permanent record' of ever single stupid statement a young person puts on there. The tenor of the exchanges--esp. when they are online-- is far more extreme that an actual in-person disagreement. There is some discussion from psychologists who study technology that this new social media actually interferes with what Erik Eriksen calls 'the moratorium', or period of adolescence and teen years when young people can make some mistakes which they are able to learn from and then leave in the past. Instead, they are creating permanent "ideal identities" which actually keep them from growing in healthy ways.

http://tweenparenting.about.com/od/physicalemotionalgrowt...

So, do understand that he's likely coming from a place of trying to fit in, trying to find his own identity, and get help going forward. A counselor for boys and their families is a great place to start.

I think everyone needs to realize that it is not about the FB page, it's the fact that he broke a rule that he knew of ahead of time, lied about it, and took no repsonsibility, but instead manipulated his parents to make them the "bad guy."
All normal behavior for this age, but not acceptable behavior. When a toddler starts hitting do we just let it go because that's what toddlers do at this age and "every other toddler is doing it?" No we address the negative behavior and try to correct it over time.
I can't beleive the parents who say "EVERYONE is on FB." So you would be OK with your child smoking pot in high school because "everyone" in high school is doing it? If you have good reasons for being ok with your kid being on FB or doing anything else, then give them the reasons, do not give them the message that since everyone else is doing it, it must be ok. Don't you want your kids to think things through and have reasons for doing things rather than following the "norm?"
A.B., stick with your rule if you are comfortable with it or if you are re-thinking it, think it through with him and come to some agreements. There are sample Internet-Use Contracts on-line. But he still needs a consequence for knowingly breaking the rule. Personally, if you already had proof he had an account, you shouldn't have asked, but told him you knew because you really set him up to lie, but he chose to lie so, again, consequences.
And Mary J., sheesh! Just because he made a mistake and A.B. may have made a mistake, desn't mean all hope is lost and it's "downhill" from here. It's called working through it to have a better relationship. It does happen.

I might be wrong about this, because Facebook wasn't around when my kids were 12. But, Facebook is the new normal, is there really a reason he can't have a FB page?

This doesn't sound like a good start to his teens, so you might want to reconsider this a little. I think maybe you could let him have the page, with some restrictions, such as you get to be his "friend," at least initially,

If you do let him have the FB page, there need to be some rules: mainly, NO rude photos. A picture of him giving the finger is just tacky and unacceptable.

ETA - if you have been having a lot of problems with him, as another response said, you should maybe get some kind of teen counselor involved, so you can nip this stuff in the B.. Not the FB, but the other behavior.

Computer-related misbehavior resulted in my daughter losing all computer privileges.
She was not allowed to go anywhere but work and school while grounded, and I notified her teachers that she was not allowed to use the school computers. If that meant she got a 0 on an assignment that was tough.

I think the age rule on Facebook is dumb, and I allowed my daughter to have a page before she was "old enough", on the condition that I monitored her activity.

I never had a problem with her posting inappropriate material - only with using her stepdad's laptop without his permission. The first time she did that, it cost her a month of lost computer privielges, and there was no second time.

He is twelve and everyone else has one,. my kids all have one and i am their friend on it and we have a very open relationship, I talk to my kids about everything and they can talk to me without consequences. sheesh pick your battles. now he has learned to lie to you about anything. he will never trust you. sorry down hill from here.