Hi everyone:
I have a 15 month old and am step mom to an 8 year old. I am writing to ask what you all would do in this situation. I interviewed two sitters for my very active toddler son. I explained to both of them that we need to be 5 steps ahead of my son and be able to anticipate his falls. I told them it was critical that he be in a safe environment: grass, on carpet, or inside without a lot of pointy objects.
I didn't hire sitter A because when I observed her, she let my son run full speed down a ramp and she lagged behind. He fell flat on his face.
Sitter B looked more promising and more attentive. She came prepared with emergency contact forms and other forms that would help her with caring for my son. She asked about a first aid kit.
So after three visits with her, I finally felt comfortable enough to leave her alone with my son. I reminded her about grass, carpet, and surfaces that were safe.
Well, she took him outside to an area that had a pool, puddles, and a patio with metal pole stands for umbrellas.
When he was playing, he fell face first on one of these poles. He lost a huge chunk of skin on his nose. We are worried about scarring.
She immediately called to let me know. She apologized.
Here's my question: would you employ sitter b again? It has been very difficult for me to find other sitters for the hours I need.
She has otherwise been responsible. But she has asked questions that are troublesome: like is your son clumsy?
From my perspective, toddlers fall because they are still developing--not because they are clumsy.
And when he cries, she says "stop stop" which is not how we care for our son. We say "it's ok" and we reassure him. Our son is a very well adjusted curious boy and le loves being with people. So how we parent is working.
Ok. What do you all think? Am I being unrealistic? Our other sitters-who we love but who are not available--have never let our son get injured.
Hi everyone:
Your responses have been fantastic. Thank you! I was looking for an objective view of the situation. It seems I'm being a bit too protective of my son--certainly understandable. From what I read in everyone's comments, it seems like I have to allow for the bumps and bruises of life. That's probably the hardest lesson.
Meanwhile, there is agreement that I need to communicate with the sitter about how we comfort our son.
I actually did ask her to say "it's ok" instead of "stop. stop. stop. [crying]." Maybe in the back of my mind this is the thing that upsets me the most. The sitter was responsive--in my company--to my request. But of course I don't know what will happen when I'm not around. And I don't really believe in using monitors.
So I'm going to give her another shot. But I'll also look for someone else.
Thank you again!
When my son is crying, I tell him to calm down. I do hug him, but I also want him to be able to control his own emotions instead of me doing it for him. Is that what you're babysitter was trying to do or was she being mean about it?
Accidents are going to happen - they are critical to the learning process for your child. While I agree completely that there are things we should do as parents to keep our kids safe, we can't place them in a bubble and rob them of the knowledge that real-world consequences contribute to their understanding of life.
Toddlers are known for their wobbliness (and their speed). It sounds like your son is very much an active boy - which is awesome. Help him develop his inner-discipline by letting him learn some things the hard way. Injuries are going to happen, and sometimes I think they hurt us more than them! lol!
In the same manner that you want a caregiver to be diligent, you also want your child to feel free to foster his sense of independence - which is harder to do when someone is always "5 steps ahead of him." We learn so much from failure, especially if we can have someone help us through. Use accidents as teachable moments (ie. "When it rains, the sidewalk is slippery. We should walk slowly and carefully - like a caterpiller on a branch).
As far as the "stop, stop" comments when your son is crying- I'd address those directly. You don't want your son to feel like his method of communication is unacceptable. You want him to feel as though his emotions are validated. Suggest that she try a different phrase, such as "I know your sad. I know you miss mommy (or it hurts when you fall)" Then praise, "You are so brave (or strong, etc). Then choice, "Would you like to sing a song or hold your honey bunny?" or "Would you like to play with the ball, or dance with me?" to redirect.
Some kids ARE clumsier than others. It's not as wierd a question as you might think. And if they're active (as boys invariably are) this only compounds the issue. I'm not saying yours is, but I have noticed this among my son and his friends. My son is definately more careful, but some of his buddies have been to the ER several times now. Their parents aren't negligent, they've baby-proofed their houses, but the kids are just accident prone. They even get hurt in the carpeted areas of the house.
As has been pointed out, accidents happen. A friend of mine's ped says that he is concerned when he sees a kid who does't have accidents, bruises or scrapes because those are the kids who are too protected and don't get to explore their world. It's a fine line I realize. It could have just have easily happened on your watch but it didn't. And the sitter did call you when it happened. I would give her another chance, especially if you're having a tough time finding another sitter.
I think a mother's first instinct is to protect her child at all costs, but there comes a time when you have to let go and let them grow up. They will fall. It's a fact of life. Do the best that you can to help keep him safe, but don't over-do it or he won't survive in the real world with out you there. He has to learn to pick him-self up and keep going.
About the clumsy question, keep an eye on him. It could be an inner ear issue affecting his balance, or a vision problem. If he falls alot or doesn't seem as coordinated as other children his age, you may want to have him checked out.
Good luck!
Unless your son has some sort of palsy, I can't understand why you all are trying so hard to prevent him from falling...does he have a neuropathy issue where he can't feel pain and doesn't know when he is really hurt? If he is healthy, I would suggest letting him get his bumps and bruises. We love our son and hate to see him fall...and in three years he has only eaten it one time when a stool he was using to wash his hands moved from under him...and I know when he is at school and something bad happens, we immediately want details and want to know if it was the teacher not paying attention, or what. But we have learned that, for the most part, kids will be kids. My husband, when he was 6, was being "chased" by a bunch of girls at recess, fell, and broke his collarbone. At 8, he tried to do a backflip (after a gymnastics class on a trampoline mind you) off of his mother's car and ended up with 20 stitches in the top of his head. My hubby is in the medical arena and so we know that issues come up. I know we also want someone that is closely watching our kiddos and giving them the best chance to NOT get hurt. But there are just times when, with or without any negligence, things happen...and you just have to accept that or never leave your kiddos with anyone...which is why, other than one other set of parents and my husband's mother, we never leave our son with anyone, because we just don't have that trust factor. School, however, at least has some sort of recourse should something go badly. As for the crying thing, always comfort your son...assess the situation and go from there. If you saw what happened and it didn't look bad and his knee is just a little red or whatever...there is no blood, broken bones, etc...then give his ouchy a kiss and say...you are ok...you're a big boy. And don't make it a huge issue...he needs to learn the difference between milking a tiny issue for all it's worth and a real issue (boy who cried wolf). That way he won't be like that at school, etc...without being stereotypical and trying to "harden" him, you can encourage him to tough out the little things. Hope that helps!
I haven't read the rest of the responses... But, I have to say, surely you don't run around the entire time he is in your care, putting a pillow in front of or behind him JUST IN CASE HE FALLS? I mean...
Honestly he is a BOY and he will fall, scrape, bang, cut, scream, cry, manipulate, and have a HELLUVA good time in life if you let him.
There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect sitter. He could hurt himself with you there... are ya gonna fire yourself?
My son is flat out UNGRACEFUL! I am too. I danced and my dad said, "you were so graceful on stage and you get off the stage and walk right into a wall". I was busy... I never paid attention. I'm still that way.
About the crying... maybe he should STOP... no offense but there are different kind of cries. Cries to manipulate should be stopped. Cries for comfort or sadness should be comforted. Cries for hunger/pain, etc... should be addressed appropriately. Yes, she should do what YOU want with your child. But remember... she has the right to say "you're not who I want to babysit for".... If you like her and your son does too... work with her.
GOOD LUCK
Unfortunately at your sons age he is going to fall and probably pretty often. She sounds like she did the right thing by telling you what happened and apologizing. Beyond that, there is not alot she can do. If your son falls quite a bit, maybe you should have her teach him the right way to fall. My friends thought I was crazy when my son first strated to walk because I would stand him up(knowing he would fall) and teach him how to rool or drop in a way that would do minimal harm to his body and face. They think I am a genius now though, because he was the only toddler at the play group with barely any bruises or scars from falling. It is better to teach your son about falling than to rehire nanny after nanny everytime he gets a "boo boo". I started at 11 months so your son is definetly able to understand the concept of falling.
I don't think any one "let's" your son get hurt. I have a couple of concerns here. One...your son does sound a bit clumsy. I only say this because I have four children and while they do all fall and have accidents, I've never had to worry about letting them play on hard surfaces. You do realize the reason these little ones fall is because their little heads aren't so little...making them top heavy. But your son sounds a little extreme. My daughter who just turned three had mastered our staircase by age 15 mos. and rarely falls except for the occassional stumble while running. This is all normal.
So with that said...another point would be climbing. Are these potential climbing accidents? Either way it's important for you to feel comfortable with whomever you leave your son with but I want you to have logical expectations. I find that expecting someone to remain 5 steps ahead of your child is a little unreasonable. However, allowning him to do things that will potentially take chunks out of his face is not!
I always say to parents...noone is going to love your child as much as you do. Noone is going to see the dangers and potential hazards that you as a parent are going to foresee. Accidents do happen. This probably won't be the last and little boys have scars (my husband has one above his eye from an accident when he was 3).
Ask yourself this: would this or could this have happened in my care? If the answer is absolutely not, then she shouldn't come back. Is she attentive? Mostly careful, not everyone can be 100% on guard at all times...?
Another one of your concerns was her not letting him cry. I will say that I have all girls...so with girls its human nature to coddle them and attend to their every bump and scrape. However, as they age this becomes annoying! If my 3 year old is truly hurt or scared, of course I hold and reassure them. I have a strict policy on crying. We are all allowed to cry and crying isn't bad and is rather encouraged by all sexes! But whining...not so much. If you treat every incident like a catastrophe you are only setting yourself up for a little boy who everytime he steps on a pebble or scrapes his thumb is going to act like the world is coming to an end.
Parenting is hard work. And we all have different views and we are fortunant that we have this resource to share them with. Obviously I think mine are the best but you might have some that I didn't think about! I love hearing feedback and getting new and exciting ideas. One thing I think all parents should know though is that we are raising adults! (Dr. Phil actually said that and because I have a 17 y/o I can back him up)So when she tells your son "stop it" is he really hurt or whining? Because if he's really hurt her natural instinct should be to comfort him.
So after all that it still comes down to one thing...go with your gut instinct. Only you know your house and your child! Good Luck
I am sure it was an accident. She called you and seems she did the right thing. Is this your only child? Accidents do happen. They are children and will fall down. My oldest walked face first into the concrete poll at Best Buy before. She was ok. Some things just happen. I would give her another shot.
DO NOT HIRE HER AGAIN, please. She is inattentive to your babies! Those children are your precious pearls.
Kids do take tumbles, but a chunk of skin? That's kind of severe.
It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind! You say there r these other sitters that u love, but u don't list her as one of them! I'm not saying that he hasn't gotten injured w/ them b/c they're better, b/c accidents do happen and maybe that's all it was w/ this one, but if u aren't comfortable w/ her anymore (and you've made it pretty clear you're not) then no, u shouldn't employ her again. It seems that maybe she doesn't have the same perspectives u do if she tells your son to stop crying instead of consoling him and that's definitely a big problem. Toddlers need consistency in everything, and just from this one instance, he's not getting that w/ her. I do not think you're being unrealistic at all, you're being a mom! I am very picky w/ who stays alone w/ my child as well, and not that your son won't eventually get hurt w/ other people (like the other unavailable sitters) but there are tons of people out there, and the one u have seems to have other issues w/ your "clumsy" child besides this incident!
