Son Has Been Ostracized!

Oh wow. All for smoking pot once?? I was blamed for everything that my best friend did back in high school. Her dad was a penocostal preacher and called me "Jesabel" for wearing makeup and pants!! My best friend was really the instigator and I knew that, so I just let it go. If you feel comfortable with the lady, just invite her over while the kids are at school and talk to her. Don't place the blame on anyone else, just tell her that you understand, but that the kids want to do right and be able to hang out. Kids make mistakes. Lots of them.

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I agree with Bug B that you need to stay out of it. Your son is old enough to make these kinds of decisions and to accept the consequences. Seems like he has and is okay with it.

And I think you need to stop taking this so personally. Fair or unfair, the other parent made a decision and I feel you should respect that. Especially since you said it doesn't bother your son so much. He still does get to hang with his friend and see him - just not as often as he would like.

I think you need to take a real hard look at why this bothers you. Do you feel like you're being judged because of your son's mistake? Do you feel like you're the one being excluded? Do you feel like your son's poor choice was somehow your fault? Only you can answer those questions.

I think you need to take many deep breaths and let this go.

I think he is (unfortunately) past the age, where you need to step in. Has his behavior changed, to make you think this is really bothering him? Is he withdrawn, has his grades dropped, does he avoid family and conversation, does he seem tired all the time? If not, it's probably not as bad as you think it is. I really don't think you should step in. This is a very good cause and effect lesson, that he seems to be learning from. The results of our choices are often difficult and sad to deal with. In just 2-3 short years, he will be entering the real world. No more mom to step in.
I think it's a healthy thing to let him learn now.

Yes, this is a consequence of your son's choice. Let him experience it and try not to get so over-involved in his social life. He seems to be handling it okay. I understand it's hurting you and that you feel protective of your son. Vent to us, vent to your girlfriends, maybe your husband (guys don't worry about relationships near as much, though) but stay uninvolved and don't keep asking your son about it. It's like you're hovering a little bit, so step back and let him deal with it. It may work out better for him in the end to not always hang out with those kids who he already experienced poor judgment with once before.

Your son is fine with it, he told you that. He's taking responsibility, you should be proud of him.
Face it, he got busted, and is now a "mark" for a time.
I got in trouble with my best g/f in high school and my mother never let me hang around with her again. We saw each other at school at that was it and Mom never waivered and it was probably a good thing. We fed off of each other and did stupid stuff when together. I think your son understands this better than you, and you shouldnt be pissed off at the other mom who is trying to keep her kid straight.
Let it go, and it will work out. If they dont get into any more trouble I bet this will drop and they will be hanging out again next year at this time.

Yes, let it go and accept this as a consequence of your son's poor choice.

Your son says he's fine with the situation, and this is also a life lesson for him. Is it possible your son WAS the main ringleader?

I am not judging the pot smoking -- I personally don't think it's a big deal, and zillions of kids do it. But other parents have a right to parent the way they see fit. Your son sounds like he is handling his social scene just fine.

I am repeating what Dawn said, because it sums up exactly my response to this post: " It's an example of real life consequences that one faces when doing something that society finds wrong. Instead of focusing on the unfairness of it, you should be gently telling him that this is what he will have to face in his life when he screws up."

I personally think that pot should be legalized, but it's not, and we all need to respect what happens when you break the rules, even if some of us think the other parents' position is extreme. I think it's an important lesson that he won't learn if you insist it is unfair.

Your son is still friends with the other boy at school. I'd leave it to time; if the kids show they can stay out of trouble, perhaps the parents will relax their position.

I do sympathize, with you though it may not sound like it...this could happen to any parent and it happens in the best of families. But I think you should let your son take the consequences for himself, and you try not to agonize over it.

It's too bad that the other mom has stopped the boys from being friends. Both of them could've said "no, thanks" and walked away from the pot situation, but neither of them chose to do that. Perhaps it's easier for her to blame your son than accept the fact that her son made a poor choice.

Given that, I'm not sure how much good will be served by confronting her about this. YOU might feel better, but I doubt it will magically change your son's status amongst his friends. In fact, I know of no 15 year old young man who would appreciate his mom fighting this battle for him (although he'd probably appreciate the love that prompts it). If he says he's cool with the situation, I'd let it go and let him take his lumps. He made a very poor choice; now he gets to live with the consequences.

That said, you might consider letting your son know that he's welcome to have friends over for a well-supervised gathering, maybe for video games or a movie. If he's not being invited to activities, create some activities to which he can bring friends. But, if he doesn't want that, I wouldn't push it. It takes time to salvage a battered reputation.

Good luck!

I think you've received some great advice already and have just an idea to add. One thing that may help over the long term is for your son to get involved in doing some good works in the community,* if he chooses to*. His reputation has been affected by his mistakes in judgment, and he might have dug himself a pretty deep hole to climb out of. However, if he's interested in repairing it, he (not you) can organize kids through school to clean up neglected areas in the neighborhood, organize fundraisers/bake sales for charity or other positive endeavors. Kids can turn things around and set themselves on a more positive track. Be sure that these events have adult staff or parent volunteers present, just to be safe.

Ditto Dawn. She wrote exactly what I was going to say.
Your son is now facing the consequences of his choice and behavior.

My mother always told us, "You represent this family. People will judge all of us based on each of our behaviors, good or bad."
It really made me want to make good choices.

You are correct your son was not the only one involved, but that should not concern you. You need to just concentrate on making sure your son understands, this is exactly what happens to people that break the laws in our society. He needs to face the consequences of HIS decisions. This includes honoring other peoples requests of staying away from their children.

Do not harp on him, instead let him move on. Tell him you know this was a one time situation. You understand he is learning a lesson.

My mother always also told us. "I will always love you no matter what. You can do the most horrible thing in the world, but I will be on your side. I may be hurt or disappointed, but I will always be there for you. " This has given me the base to my entire life. I know no matter what happens, SHE will ALWAYS be there. But I would never want to hurt her or disappoint her.

The best thing your son can do? Move on, with his life. He needs to never let this type of thing happen again. He needs to be a model student, get into an amazing college, have good friends that will actually admit their part of any situation. This other boy, should have admitted to his parents he also made this mistake and should have attempted to stand up for his "friend", your son.

Sometimes its a good thing not to hang out with the same clique all your life. This situation may be a good learning lesson for your son, not only about the hazards of being caught smoking pot but also, why it is important not to be a judgmental, fair-weather friend.

When I was a teenager, my friends and I hung out with whoever we wanted to hang out with. If one of our parents told us not to hang out with a particular kid, we may not bring that kid around the house or talk about that kid very much in front of our parents, but we still made our own decisions about who wanted to keep as friends and who we didn't. This was especially so even if we saw that the parent was having a knee-jerk reaction or was being unfair.

If your son learns the lessons that he needs to learn from this situation, really applies himself at school, doesn't play into the victim mentality, and really works on developing the quaility of life and quality of friendships that he wants to have, then this snaffus will all blow over soon enough. Believe me, the drama of this whole situation will probably fade away by the time this school year is over. And, honestly, once he gets into college and lands his first job, no one is going to care if he got caught smoking pot when he was 15 as long as it was a one time thing and he has cleaned up his act since then.

Hope this helps.

Unfortunately how people see you after making a poor choice is part of the consequence of that poor choice. Most likely these parents are looking for a "reason" for their son's poor choice and decided on your son because it couldn't be their son. I think these parent's have more hard lessons to learn. At 15 you can't choose you child's friends. The more you push, the worse it will be. These parents think they know what happened, but most likely really don't. If your son says he is ok. Just let him know you are willing to listen, if he needs too. As far as social situations, I would not confront her at a football game. If you feel you need to talk to her because you had thought she was a friend, then this conversation should be done privately. Your conversation will likely not change anything. She thinks she is right and protecting others. Unfortunately pot smoking/drinking is so common you can not prevent the kids from being around it. I joke with my kids that I should put them in the dungeon until 25 years old when it would be safe to let them out. I am told that's not an option. We have to teach our kids our expectations. Pray they make good choices and be there to support them when they face the consequences of their poor choices. This is so hard. The consequences are now so high for kids who are just learning. Your son is lucky he wasn't arrested, kicked outmof school, etc. Could be worse! All the best.

If it were me I would not intervene. You may want to consider whether this bothers you (because you were friends with the parents) more than it does your son.

Your parent friends are NEVER more important than your son. I have seen parents prioritize those relationships, even when it becomes very awkward for the kids involved. I'm not saying that you are doing this - it's just something you should really think about (and what is driving your desire to make something happen).

If your son is still functioning reasonably, he probably is OK. If he is not, that is an issue that may best be sorted out with a neutral party like a counselor.

If he is having trouble help him go in a new direction. This is an opportunity for growth.

This is just my "mom" opinion - I am not a health care professional of any sort. If you suspect he is depressed or troubled you should seek out qualified, competent advice immediately.

Good luck.

Simply put YES, you and he need to accept the consequences of his poor choice.

You got a lot of great advice already so I will just add one more thing; if your son found out you spoke to the other mom how would your son feel about it? This isn't a 'bullying' case, this is about your son making a very poor decision and accepting the consequences. And although he tells you he is fine with it, which I am sure he's hurting in some way, maybe he is accepting it because it is the truth. The parents are allowing their son to hang out with the other boys still & now date this girl that YOU claim to be the source, so just like you are pointing the finger at this girl maybe everyone else is pointing the finger at your son. But perhaps your son had a lot more involvement than you know about & he is owning up to the punishment.

I would say the only reason to go to the mom is if you wanted to know more about your sons involvement so you can watch for the signs if he decided to do this again & to know exactly how involved he is like did he supply everyone with this, etc. But not to ask for her permission to let the boys hang out again.

Not having read any of the other responses, it sounds like a case of "he said, she said".
Unfortunately, there is not anything you can do that will make the situation any better- in fact, it would only make it worse.
All you can do is continue to help your son make wiser choices.
Just my two cents,
R.

What can I say it's life...We want the best for our children we hate to see them hurt or suffer be left out but in this case seems like there has been poor choices made I wouldn't let my kids hang out with these buddies if it were me even if he ws the one who influenced them we all have the right to say no & walk away or do it & live with the consequences...

If your son is fine why are you so mad and pushing this? Keep an eye out to be sure there are no more drugs if there was I would say you need to have him separated from these kids but since things are fine let it go.

EDIT** I just wanted to add that is it possible your son could be more involved than you think? These woman are pointing fingers at your son and while I do not think pot should be legal obviously these people think the same and this doesn't make them goody goody. Your son made a really bad decision and you should help him to move on.

You need to let it go. The other boy's mother has her reasons why she is enforcing these rules and she has the right to tell her child what to do, whether you like it or not. This is something that you should stay out of. Encourage your son to make other friends and let the other mom raise her kid however she feels is right.

I think all these people are right about staying out of it. But I'm not sure I would.
This is your pride that is hurt in addition to your son being made a scapegoat by these reunited goody goodies-especially if the friend is now dating the stoner chick.

If you cant' let it go (as you probably should in case this blows over one day), I might be tempted to write to the mom (provided you think this will never blow over and she'll always look down on you behind the friendly facade) and you are SURE your son wasn't the ring leader and all these people are unfairly targeting him because of this mom-a letter along the lines of;

Dear Suzie Q.
I am writing this since we don't talk anymore. I have been very saddened to learn that over time, my son has been dubbed the ring leader for the group choice made by all of our kids including your son's girlfriend and is now the only kid in the group people encourage their kids to avoid. My son is doing well and has no ill will about this toward anyone. As was clarified before, he was very sorry for the actions he and took and wouldn't want me to say anything. I guess I commend you for putting your foot down so firmly in avoiding only one pariah, and not spreading the edict of excommunication to any of the other kids involved, just sorry it's my son. No need to be friendly to me in public when my son is not good enough company for yours anymore. My feelings are very hurt over your snubbing of us, just thought I would say so, for right or for wrong.
Best
Me.

She'll either feel bad or not depending on the facts as she sees them, but if she's shunning you anyway, why not.
The best response is always no response regarding future community relations-but this is one option.

I would call her and ask for a meeting. It does not have to be confrontational. But you have to understand that being a parent, we try to steer our kids away from the 'wrong crowd' and that is what she is doing. I'm not saying your son is bad, but if he is getting the raw end of the deal, that is why he is being ostracized and talking to her may help clear all this up. It seems like someone always has to be the fall guy maybe talking to this mom will help. And make sure you ask her every question that you have so everything can maybe fall back into place for him. I agree with you that your son is probably very upset by this and just covering up his feelings. I think it is good of you to try to get to the root of the problem.

I think making an appointment with the mother and father, together, would be the most appropriate action.

i would explain to them what you understood happened and also allow them to explain what they perceive happened.

If they truly believe that your son is a bad influence, ask them what would be an appropriate action on you and your sons part for them to move forward and not hold it against your family.

i think it is important to understand that no matter the facts, their perception is what is important. They obviously feel strongly about your son and wether he is this "ringleader' that they beleive him to be or not, allowing him to walk thru this process with you by his side is a wonderfull opportunity for him to learn communication and difficult relationships with support. Changing their perception or allowing yourself/son to be submissive to anothers authority and working thru retribution, can be a very positive learning opportunity.

Most of us dont learn this untill were on our own.

hi. as a mom who talked to other parents, it never ends up well. then the parents have more ammo to say "and that mother!" never did another mom say she saw my point or it was a misunderstanding.