What Do I Do with My Teenage Son ?

Well if you don't allow him to go, would you think he'd just go on his own regardless? Perhaps you can allow him to go part of the time & see how it works out. It sounds like he's very spoiled & 'used' to getting his way when his father was there w/you. Now that he has 'boundaries' he doesn't like it b/c he's not getting his way. He's probably just lashing out using that as an excuse. Sometimes people just need to get away to come back, ya know. I'd give it some thought. His attitude will probably just get worse but I know that you will make the right decision for him, no matter what the decision. Good luck!

Alright this is going to be quirky. Have you thought about signing him up for a swimteam and essentially making him get intense physical activity four to five days (or more) a week? You have more experience with teens, but I know that 1 1/2 to 2 hours of swimming daily really helps to settle down the hormone problem. If he's bored enough to be toying with smoking, he needs to do something that will show him why his lungs are needed. My girl is also the good one, but I can always tell when she's not getting the exercise she needs. When you described yourself you described me reacting to the hormone harpy. Who knows, he could end up in Kansas...a boy needs his dad as he matures to manhood. But you might try something like what I suggest until you make this decision. Pick a team with a strong male role model who has integrity. It may make a difference in how your son treats his brother and you as well.

Stick to your guns (rules). I have a 14yr old son and it seems at the pre-teen/teenage stage (13yr)is when they want to test you. My husband is also my son's stepfather who has been in his life since before 1yr old. I had that "I want to stay w/my Dad moment or questioning every word. I kept to my rules and "you will respect me" mode. It also helps to have a husband who has been a great father and will come reinerate what I said (backup system). It seems you have that in your life as well. Be a mountain and stand firm w/your husband saying "Respect your mother". Your son doesn't know your bounds/limits yet. As you continue to let him know you are his Mother and will not be disrespected, he will straighten up and fly right. If not, let him be with his biological father. Sometimes we have to let them go for them to learn on their own. That is so Hard as Mother to do. Pray and place this matter with the Lord. Do what is in your control and don't worry. All will fall into place soon. You and your family are in my prayers. BE BLESSED!!- Jackie

I have twins who will be 28 in December, girl/boy. It happened to us the opposite than what I ever thought. Our daughter decided at age 12/13 that she wanted to live with their dad in another county. As much as this hurt me, I had always told them that they could go once, come home once and if they went again they had to stay. After she lived with their father from 8th grade - 11th, she came back for a short period of time before moving out one night at midnight with her boyfriend at the time. Talking about heart breaking! During or shortly after she made the comment that her twin brother needed to go live with their dad, to find out what that side is all about. She pretty much had to do everything herself while there, get herself up, fix her own meals, wash dishes, he was very strict though. But, that was what she chose. It developed her into who she is today, through good and bad choices, but made her stronger the same.
In my opinion, I don't think you can deny one son the opportunity to live with his dad if that is what he wants to do. I can see that causing even more animosity toward you as the mom. On the other hand for the son who is already with his dad, if the friends are true friends they will stay loyal to the son already there, and hopefully for your sake if they are the better type of friends maybe that is what this son needs. Positive vs negative peer pressure from friends can make a world of difference in choices made. They are at a very impressionable age. My oldest son the other twin, even though he had some good freinds and lived with us he still made some bad choices, smoking pot and cigarettes. My husband found pot in his car twice, and we gave him the 3rd strike you are out and he moved in with his dad as soon as he graduated high school. I will tell you those were some tough years to get through! We had two younger children that were very impressionable and we told him he was putting everyone in our home at risk by making those bad choices. He lived with his dad and stepmom for a while and then moved in with his aunt that was like a second mom while he was growing up. I would like to add that at about age 21 he realized those bad choices were not going to get him anywhere in life and he has since been a most level headed person making very reasonable and responsible choices in life.
So, I wish you the best! My heart goes out to you! Do what is in your gutt and know you have done your best - and pray, pray, pray for the Lord to be with you in your choices as well as the twins. My prayer for all 4 of my children is God's will in their lives, not my will. I know that His Will will triumph anything that I may will for them. May God bless you during this time and always.

M B

Goodness! You have a lot going on and I have been there, too.

I have had some eye opening lessons from my psychologist and from this book (you might find at a public library) called "Parenting Your Teen with Love & Logic" by Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay. They talk a bit about the teenage years being a time for more responsibilities and how to talk with your teenager where you don't sound like a military sergeant!

I hope you two (as well as your relationships with your other teenagers) arrive at a friendlier (more loving) type of relationship!

Good luck.

You are not alone. 15 here for us was very ugly! For all the boys. 14 was OK, 16 was bearable....15 almost did us all in. Hormones and the struggle to "grow up" (oh, but wait, we want to grow up for the fun, not for the extra responsibilities!), peer issues, girl feelings, all of it was tough.

We met with each kid individually. Explained our expectations, the chores to be done around the house, the school responsibilities and how free time could be used.
Then we had our son come up with a plan to acoomplish those. It was his plan and that helped!

You say your son has to vacuum and empty trash every day and I wonder why. Does he do laundry, cook dinner, clean up dishes, etc....?
All those life skills are important and give HIM a CHOICE on what day he washes his bedding, when he cooks dinner....etc. If he doesn't take care of the chore when he said he would, there are consequences. If he handles everything well for 2 weeks, there is an extra reward. For my boys, it was pizza! Pizza (from the restaurant, not homemade) made my boys step in line b/c we treat them to that very rarely.

I agree with another mom, he needs a sport or have a hobby, or a church youth group .... to be involved in. When kids don't feel like they belong, they get angry. You are seeing some of that anger---he wants to leave.

I can't answer the moving part....I have not been in a divorced situation to have experience with that. Best of luck!

Provide boundaries, but give your son some independence. For example, does he have a set allowance. I give each of my three kids an allowance (.50 a week for every year old they are). If your son begs for something, tell him he has to save his allowance. What activities is your son involved in? Maybe he may want to try something new--musical instrument, karate, a new sport, Destination Imagination (through school), tennis team, School Government, church youth group, etc. This is the age where your son needs you. Consider another logical consequence besides grounding. Your bickering is turning into power plays. Give your son incentives. Encourage him, complement him more, reward him when he does well. Don't just focus on what he does wrong or the negative. Read Bondaries with Kids by Cloud/Townsend. Good Luck!

Hi K.
I am not a professional but sounnds like he may be having some separation issues along with raging hormones...he will just keep on his rebellous ways until you finally give in out of either frustration or anger- chose you battles carefully and don;t sweat the small stuff with him. If it gets too out of control and you feel you have done all you can just let him go with his father for a while.
starting to smoke= I would consider it unusual if he actually "ask" for permission and is not already "sneaking around" with smoking. but I would not agree to allow it anywhere around my house- and if he decided to make that decision thenhe would have to be able to support his habit without help from you or your hubby...... Most teen age boys really go thru a lot of hard knocks growing up so be carefull not to damage your mother son relationship that he will so desperately need later in life. remember at age 15- they think they know more than anyone else and that they have all the answers- even when we know better. It is normal for you to feel distressed but remember, this too will pass. If it really gets bad at home and he keeps pushing your buttons- let his father take the responsibility of the continued parenting of this boy.
good luck and blessings

Hi K.,

Something I have learned not just with my own boys, but I was taught growing up. We all know sometimes through the growth of growing we all change and need to be knocked down a level or two. Your son sounds like he needs something to occupy his time. Maybe something that he can do for someone else and it doesn't pay or pay little, but will help him in other ways. Selfless acts are a good teacher for teens. As for living with his dad sounds like you would be rewarding his behavior. If it something of wanting to live with his dad. Tell him he needs to prove that this is something of him wanting to be with his dad and not because he knows he can do whatever he wants. Good luck :)
Mrs.C

stick to your guns !!!!!!!!! and tell him if he still wants to go he can in 3 yrs or when he graduated, you do not want to distrupt his brothers home if he's doing well and you know if you sent this one there it could have a diffrent outcome go with your insticts mama always knows. praying for you !!!!!!

He's acting out b/c you and his dad divorced. Come on! You cann't mess up the entire world for him and then expect him to be content with that, especially when you go and get another stud. Please, why are you being so selfish and then expect him not to be? If you really want the best for him, remarry his dad and live in harmony with him and your son!

Bless all of you...you are in a tough spot. I am giving you my two cents as a parent educator and a parent of a 20 year old. So often the way we have disciplined is no longer effective in our kid's teenage years. Often times either our kids (or we parents) choose to sacrifice closeness over issues of power, autonomy, and freedom. It take alot to maintain closeness with a kid who really wants to do his/her own thing while having limits and order!

Even if they don't seem like it sometimes our teens need our love and caring. They need to know that they can have diffent ideas and have some separation from us and we stil love them so. I am not saying give up your needs....far from it. That will create resentment in you. What I am saying is that we need to figure out how to let kids be powerful in cooperation with us or they will constanly be grasping and fighting for power. Keep asking yourself...how can we both win? Am I sacrificing closeness to teach him a lesson? Is my discipline creating more peace and harmony or just throwing gas on the fire? Here is an article that gives some tips: http://incaf.com/articles/Avoiding_Power_Struggles.pdf
I hope that helps.
Blessings to you all.

Be honest with him about how you feel about him leaving. If he does go, make clear your concerns about his brother. Hopefully, he will consider that. Maybe make a deal with the father that if trouble starts between brothers, he comes back. Keep talking. My father raised 5 and that it his advice. No matter what his choices are, keep talking to him and reasoning with him. He'll come around eventually even if he makes some mistakes now. All you can do at this point is keep talking to him and keep those lines of communication open. Certain things like smoking aren't worth compromising on, but some other things are. Sit down and have a chat to see what he's thinking. Stay reasonable. Give in on unimportant issues. But, be honest. Try not to be too motherly too (pointing the finger, etc.).