Son Has Mild Aspergers, Should I Tell Him?

He is asking. Tell him the truth, and find a day camp so he can see that he's not alone and that nothing is wrong with him. By hiding the truth, you are reinforcing the idea that it is bad to have Aspergers by making it appear shameful, which is the opposite of what you want him to think.

You told him he has a disorder but didn't label it?

Telling a child they have a disorder isn't helpful, if you ask me. Unless there is some true physical disability, I'd rather have us teach kids that we are all different! I never "fit in" when I went to school. I still don't fit in. My mom said it was because I had learning disabilities. My advisor in grad school just said, "it's hard being smart." I preferred her approach.

Yes, tell him, please.

Empower him by letting him know he isn't the only one with Asperger's... by giving it a name, it also tells him that there are others with the same difficulties...

He already KNOWS he's different...... this will just give a name to it, to help him understand himself better.

Point out that there are many people that are very successful that have Autism.... Dr. Temple Grandin comes to mind...... get the movie that was made about her life, and let him see that he has certain skills and abilities that he can use to help himself and others.

http://templegrandin.com/

Geez! You've already told him he has a social disorder. Why not give him a name for it? What's the difference between saying he has a social disorder and he has Aspergers?

You are way over thinking this. As others have said, he already knows that he's different. And that difference is really not much different in some ways than many other differences. Some are shy and others outgoing for example. Each needs to learn how to be in their world considering who they are.

Sounds like you're putting quite a bit of attention on his difference. My grandson has Aspergers along with developmental issues and he'll be 10 in a couple more weeks. He does have the advantage of being in Special Ed and so is with kids similar to him. At the same time, tho, he doesn't focus on being different than the neighborhood boys he plays with. And.....looking on, he's very much different.

And.....none of the professional people have given my grandson the label of Aspergers or even autism. They have told my daughter that this may be the case and when he became 9 they were more willing to say it was likely. We have told him his brain works differently than some of the other kids. He could care less and I think it's because no one has focused on a label. We focus on helping him learn how to manage his body with OT and PT and speech with ST. No need to give his difficulty a name. Except you do have that need because you've told him he has a social disorder.

Being different does not mean something is wrong with him. Focus on talking about the difference when he asks about why something hasn't worked for him. Focus on helping him learn social skills. There are many successful children and adults with Aspergers. Having Aspergers does not mean something is wrong with them. It means that they have a more difficult time in social settings, perhaps. It means they need a different approach in learning how to get along at school.

That is what the camp is all about. Yes! Send him to camp. Work with the Aspergers. He's not going to get rid of it. Help him learn how to live with it. Start by thinking of him as being different than the average kid in some ways but the same in many other ways. Stop thinking of him as having something wrong with him.

I suggest that you "hang out" more with other parents so that you can see that your son isn't the only one dealing with this or a similar issue. Find a support group for parents with a child who is different. Know that there are other kids in your son's school who are also having these issues. Learn that your son isn't all that different in today's world. You sound isolated in your knowledge. You need to have more contact with other children and their parents.

Talk with the teacher and school counselor about ways in which you can help your son. Trying to keep his condition a secret from him adds to his anxiety and fear. Hug him and tell him that he's a great boy, that even tho he's having difficulties he is strong and can learn how to manage them. Focus on what he can do and spend less time thinking about and focusing on what he can't do.

BTW: My grandson hasn't even asked about why he's different. No one has had a conversation with him indicating that he can't do certain things. And he certainly doesn't know he has a social disorder or Aspergers or anything like that. He does know he has difficulty doing certain things, things more related to developmental issues than autism. The adults know these things and talk amongst ourselves to learn more about who he is and how to help him. I strongly believe that the less we focus on differences and the more we focus on similarities the healthier we and our children will be.

I just picked up on your comment about him having a mild case. Why, oh why are you so focused on this? Why did you tell him he has a social disorder? He's not all that much different than others in his class and school. Focus, just as you would with a kid without that label, on teaching him how to get along with themselves and other kids. There was no need to include him in your adult world of awareness. He does not have a social disorder, btw. I've not heard that term in connection with autism/aspergers.

You hate to label him but yet you did. You've put him in a box. Stop doing that. Treat his condition as just another difference among differences that we all have.

My granddaughter has very curly hair. She has had to learn how to treat her hair differently than her friends who have straight hair. I'm not saying that curly hair compares with Aspergers. I am saying that it's important to let your son know that he has differences and teach him how to handle those differences.

About the curly hair. She has it because her father is black. We could've focused on how she's just one of 2-3 kids in her school with black heritage. We could focus on that difference. We don't. She doesn't feel different, tho she looks different.

Same with Aspergers. I know it's much more complex. Your son needs to be treated differently while my granddaughter does not. At the same time he needs to know that even tho he's different in this regard he's still a boy with similarities too. Focus on the way he's the same while helping him to deal with what is different.

But since you've started with him in this way of thinking, I urge you to give it a name. And to be specific when talking with him about specific issues. Take this out of the realm of global. He's a boy who knows he's different. Now focus on ways that he's the same. Help him to think thru what is causing him difficulty in each specific incident. Teach him how to relate to other kids one incident at a time. Stop making him think he's not a regular kid. He is a kid, first and foremost. Focus on that.

At the same time, learn about ways to help him with Aspergers. Camp does not make him different. It makes him a kid going to camp with kids similar to him, just like kids into soccer go to soccer camp. He can return to school next fall and talk about his camp experience. Going to camp makes him the same.

Aspies have a HUGE support network from which your son can benefit, most directly and immediately being a sense of belonging and understanding, which HE (at 9) can already articulate he is missing and is something he wants and needs.

Nothing is *wrong* with your son. He simply processes information differently than the majority of people.

I urge you to get more comfortable with your sons condition. If he was diabetic and his body didn't process insulin the way it is *supposed* to would you not tell him? Would you feel like something was *wrong* with him? Probably not.... You'd simply get him the tools to compensate. Same thing here, in my opinion.

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ETA
I suspect you're hedging on telling him because then it will be "real"???? I think in accepting this (as a PART of him, but not any more of a definung part than he likes basketball or he's good at math) you will do more to help your son than you can imagine.

It is a word, it can only define him if you use it to define him.

God knows how many times I have told my son he has PDD or autism spectrum. He keeps forgetting, clearly not important to him, clearly not defining him. He is 14, I have told him since he was 6.

J., there is absulutely no reason for him to not know that there is a word that accurately describes how he is and not only that, there are lots of other kids in the world who are like him! Imagine what a relief it would be to find out that he's not alone, that people know what this is and how to help him adjust the best that he can. I think that witholding this info from him is doing him a terrible disservice. Knowing that there is a name for how he acts and feels doesn't change who he is, he'll just be able to know himself better. Please don't let your own denial get in the way of your son being allowed to know himself.

http://www.aspergerssyndromeparent.com/famous-people-with...

I found this list. I think you'll like it, and so will he. He's in good company.

And of course if there's a name for it, he should know the name.

It's not that unique, J.. Embrace it. Embrace him.

:)

Only you know your son, but to my ears, "social disorder" sounds like just as much a label as "Aspergers," only more stigmatizing. With Aspergers, you can tell him that a lot of people have this smart, wonderful kind of brain and that some people think most of the great scientists in the world have had it. I mean Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, you name it -- most brilliant, accomplished mathematicians and physicists have been retroactively claimed as Aspies.

So, to me, "social disorder" sounds like a negative label and Aspergers can potentially be a very positive one, but only you can predict how your son will respond.

Actually, YOU are allowing it to define him now. YOU are treating it like this awful secret. Don't treat it like a dirty secret. You are the one allowing it to be something, that makes him seem wrong. By keeping it from him, you are perpetuating the belief, that it means something is not correct with him.

This "label" can help him. Use it as information a tool to gather resources, therapies, ideas. Allow him to find ways to understand how his brain and reasoning works. A PROFESSIONAL is guiding you in what to do, please listen. Don't hide from it, because that will only stigmatize him.

Listen to his therapist. Your son has asked you for information and keeps looking to you for guidance. Instead of giving him what he needs you are shielding him from something you think is negative. He has aspergers. You are the mother of a child with aspergers. You didn't do anything to cause this it just happened. Once you come to terms with this diagnosis you'll be able to assist him in figuring things out.

Send him to camp where he'll see other children just like him. Where he can learn skills and just be a kid. He needs to learn about his condition and what he can do to help himself before he hits that terrible middle school age where everyone is trying to fit in.

As moms our first decision is usually to try to protect our kids from anything we feel is bad. It's normal but not always helpful. Start now to give him the tools he needs to be successful.

Our imaginations are worse than the reality.

Your son knows he's "different." He also knows that you don't want to discuss it and that you tip-toe around the issue. So in his mind, he is worse off than he really is.

Kids aren't stupid. He knows you are hiding something. Get it out in the open; be honest; and embrace who he is, warts and all!

Please tell him. He's asking you why he feels and acts differently. You have shared information on a "need to know" basis and now he needs to know! You don't need to go into detail, but you have described the disorder, so now it's time to give it a name.

Consider purchasing the book "All Cats Have Asperger's". I love it and used it with my social skills groups for years. It's funny and very on-target. Most younger kids like it and identify with it!

If he's old enough to ask, he's old enough to know.
He's already asking 'what's wrong with me'.
Not telling him is merely hiding information from him that would be helpful to him and his feelings about himself.
Going to a camp with others in the same situation is a great idea and will help him learn that it's not a singular unique difficulty that he has.
His therapist thinks he should know.
That his case is mild means any help he gets will really help him overcome and sometimes it's good to see people who have things worse off than yourself - if they can learn to cope, then certainly your son should be able to.
Maybe you can ask the therapist why telling your son bothers you.

My daughter's best friend has Asperger's. She knows he does...the entire class last year was informed....so now in fifth grade most kids know. The boy's therapist came to school last year to talk to the class a couple times to help them understand what Aspergers is. That helped so much. The class worked together to help him with his social struggles...and his fears...and his inability to separate fantasy from reality. It was such a good year for that class. They learned compassion for those with special needs.

The therapist saw such dramatic progress in this boy's therapy that he requested our daughter be put in the next grade level with him. We gave her the choice and she chose to be with him. Having her there brings him security and peace of mind. But slowly she has pulled away because she knows he needs to find more friends and learn to do things without her by his side. Oh...the maturity she has learned by being so involved with this sweet boy. I am grateful for kids like your son..that teach us all to have more compassion and think beyond our own noses.

I think you should listen to your therapist and your son. You say you don't want to tell him because you don't want him to feel there is something wrong with him. I am sorry if this sounds blunt...but there is something wrong with him. He knows it...other kids know it and that is why he sees a therapist. I feel you are the one that is having a hard time accepting having a son with Aspergers.

Accept it...say it out loud. Tell your son. Talk about what he has...whether it is mild or severe...he has it. He has a bright future ahead of him. There are so many successful people that are on the spectrum. The more YOU don't talk to him...the more he will feel there is something severely wrong with him. Have the talk...and move forward.

I just have to say...our family totally adores our daughter's best buddy. They have such a special relationship. He and his family are like part of our family....and vice versa. We talk to them about how we can help him...how we should approach difficult situations when his Asperger's traits are fully apparent. It has actually helped so much in his therapy to have more people aware of what he has and for us to know how best we can help him.

I think a summer camp would be a great experience. Our daughter,her best friend and the entire 5th grade just got back from a week long Science Camp through the school. They traveled 2 hours away and stayed in cabins with YMCA staff and other students. Our daughter said her best buddy did great! He tried new foods his parents said he would never try, went on night hikes, met new friends..and this was all without parent chaperones. See...Aspie kids CAN do things just like their peers. Everyone was aware he was coming and were talked to...but he participated in the entire program with the rest of the kids.

I wish you the best..

Would you want to know something that's going to explain a lot, that given information and care could make your life better? I would. His therapists believe it would be to his benefit.

There isn't anything "wrong" with him. He is the same boy he always was. He may not be neurotypical but heck, I am not typical either! Neither are you. There is a lot that goes in to being typical and no one person is the standard.

Later in his school career he may need services or accommodations that the school will provide for him. Will you deny those things because you are afraid of a label? I have seen that kind of inaction and in every case it didn't make things better.

I am in no way saying this will be easy. My heart goes out to you in your struggle. But your feelings about this will be a deciding factor in how he accepts himself. Please get settled in yourself first, before you tell him.

You would not be putting him in a box. He is already there in a way. He can learn what that box is and how to manage it. My niece made a comment about her son (medical issue) saying that he will never know why he has to have medication everyday. My question was "why the heck not?" Why not tell a child that is old enough to understand that they have something that makes them different. It is not "something wrong with me", it is "this makes me different and this is how I can handle it".

ADD 2: I'm cruising through the Autismspeaks.org site and found these articles - basically, tech firms are starting to recognize the capabilities of people on the spectrum - concentration, thinking, etc, and how it benefits them.

http://www.autismspeaks.org/news/news-item/carving-out-sp...

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/06/04/thinking-differe...

ADD: Here's a website - google will help you with tips to tell him.
http://www.autism-help.org/family-telling-your-child.htm

ORIGINAL: Contact autismspeaks.org - they may have a toolkit for this conversation. My son is 6 years old and has high functioning autism. I will have to have this conversation with him because he THINKS differently than other kids. And he is smart enough to realize it eventually.

That is the thing - your son KNOWS he is different in a significant way and he does not know WHY. If he knows why, and can actively participate in how he understands, functions, etc., he has another tool to deal with how his brain works. Get some help to talk to him about this.

It is not a label of the person, it is a label of a diagnosis. Is it a label if someone has Ulcerative Colitis? It's just a condition they have and have to deal with and work around. Same with your son. He's a "Mac" kid in a "Windows" world - same information, different operating system to process the info.

He needs to know that so he can work WITH his brain as he matures. He can do research on it, learn about others that have it. Temple Grandin is amazing. There are also books written by adults who have dealt with this challege that he might find interesting. Ask his therapist if she can recommend some of them so he can see that he's not alone, and that he can work with his strenghts to go far.

Tell him! Asperger's isn't a curse, it's just an explanation. He already knows he's a bit different than most of his classmates.

I've recently learned I have mild Asperger's (finally, at age 65). It would have helped me so much to understand when I was younger that my brain is just a little different – when that helps me and when it means I have to work harder to understand something. It explains so much, especially why it's profoundly difficult for me to connect with new acquaintances. I'm now eager to learn strategies that might help. Until the diagnosis, I just felt socially disabled in puzzling ways.

You say you "don't want him to feel something is wrong with him." He already does!

I think your job is to be honest while assuring him there is nothing wrong with him. He is different from the majority. So what? Being different is not bad, it's just different and it's the different people that often end up famous or accomplished. I'd say tell him all the truth.

What is the truth? You hesitate to "label" him because you don't really believe in labels. But you do believe life is full of challenges and that he is a cool kid that will do well taking his head on. Ask him if he would like to go to day camp. He may find kids he can really connect with. Remind your child that everyone he knows has a challenge. Diabetes, Seizure Disorder, acne, fear of the dark, parents that are not supportive, divorce, poverty ..... on and on. In that way he is no different than anyone else and learning about himself and addressing it will make him understand himself better and help him soar!

Just never treat him different. Be understanding of his differences, but don't label him yourself and chances are he will follow suit..... but not without the ups and downs of his challenge.

At my kids' school, there are kids like your son.
And they DO know, they are Aspergers. High functioning.
And they are fine.

If you feel weird about it, then he will too.

One Mom I know, has a teenage son, who is high functioning Aspergers.
She is VERY open about it.
And her son too.
They have no hang ups about it.
And he has MANY talents as well. Which his parents, nurture.
Her son, is a fine boy.
He has friends of all types.
*ETA: and the reason that her son, is very well adjusted despite having Asperger's is: because, the parents nurture a GOOD 'relationship' with their son. And they are open and honest with him. They don't hide, it.
Their son is now 15.
He's a really great kid. And so brilliant, in certain areas.

Your son, KNOWS he is different.
Being different is not "wrong."
It only is, if you treat him that way.
I would be honest with him.
It is not labeling him.
Not knowing about himself, is also not good either.
He NEEDS to know, himself.
Allow him that, and guide him.

If he keeps asking you why he is "different" and you just keep hiding it from him, he may resent you for it. He wants to know what the Doctor said. He NEEDS to know, about himself in order to learn, about life, too.
GUIDE him and talk to him and have a good relationship WITH him, about, it.
As I said, there are kids like him at my kids school, even with Autism. And they are fine. And everyone else treats them well, too.
They are, nice kids. I know several of them too.
Nothing "wrong" with it.

If he is in school, don't they have a SPED department and they would have an Aide work with him in school?? They do this at my kids' school. Public school. And they are not in any way, treated like they are weird or wrong or bad. They are just, themselves.
Teach your son about life, about himself, SO that... as he gets older, he will learn about himself. If he does not, THEN that will only sabotage him. Because you were not honest with him.
And again, do not act like he is weird. He is not.
He will get hang-ups about it, if you... have hang-ups about it.

I was thinking just what Patty W said. And I'd add that not telling him is likely going to make him more scared there's something worse going on and that's why you don't want to tell him. He's old and smart enough to know there's something but he can't quite figure it out but you know and won't tell him so it must be really bad... I'd be very matter of fact and as patty W said, point out all the issues people have in life and his case is very mild. It might be interesting for him to see kids with more severe cases so he himself can see the difference. ie: at a camp. Figure that someday he's going to find out and he may think you didn't tell him bc you were ashamed. My oldest daughter has some visual issues. I know it's not the same thing but my approach to her having to go to therapy is very business like. She has an issue, she'll work on it, it should get better. It sucks she has to do this but other kids have to do much worse. Get on with it. I'm hoping that an air of a confidence in me will make her much more at ease. You don't want your son worrying...

Yes! Tell him. If you were in his shoes wouldn't you want to know why you were different??

J., I would not have told him he has a "social disorder". I think you could make much less of a big deal about this. The camp sounds great. Why not? And how about understanding each and every one of us is different and beautiful. Why does one person have a loud clear voice and another shy and quiet? Do we have to tell that child constantly he or she is "shy"? I don't think so. Why is one kid good at art and another is good at gym?

Why are some of us naturally thin and others of us fight to lose every single ounce?

I guess you might as well just let him know about aspergers and explain it does not define him. Neither do any of these other things...

Tell him. Its no big deal. Not only that, kids with disabilites are just like typical kids, it just takes them longer to get there. In fact I believe that your son is super smart and he'll be just fine. I think that kids with disabilities bring something to the table that us typical people can not. they are so happy all the time and definitely teach a whole new type of patience and are so very loving.

There are camps out there that will take typical and special needs children together. My son this year is going to a camp for just special needs people and it starts from age 5 all the way past the age of 70. They do all kinds of things all day long. He goes all day every day for the entire summer except 2 weeks while we are on vacation. I bet your son will have lots of fun and he'll do just fine. See if you can find one for every day.

Why wouldn't you give him a name for what's wrong? There are a lot of books out there, things a 9 year old could understand, that will help him see he's not "bad" or "crazy" or even wrong. He has a condition, just like some kids in his class have asthma and need to do certain things to manage it, some kids have allergies or dyslexia or adhd, and all of them have things they can do to help them manage it. Some kids are too skinny or too heavy or wear glasses or hearing aids, and all of those kids need to do things to help them manage their bodies and minds. This is something that should give him comfort, that there are a lot of people just like him in the world with aspergers and all of them have things they do to manage it and he can learn those things, too. He's old enough to participate in and appreciate his diagnosis. I would absolutely tell him -- but don't go telling him like it's a death sentence. Tell him in a way that helps him understand how special he is! Put a positive spin on it and a positive spin on the fact that the diagnosis gives him a toolbox of techniques he can learn to use to manage his symptoms. Of course you should tell him.

Of course you tell him. My 13 yo daughter has Asperger's and ADD. She is fully aware of it. I don't call her out on something in the middle of a conversation, but after we are alone, I will point it out to her and tell her how she could handle the situation differently so she knows better for next time. Like if everyone is talking about ice cream, and she comes out and says she loves motorcycles and everyone looks at her like, what the heck? So yes, he should know and also be open about it so he can learn and do better. Good luck.

Tell him.
Just don't blame everything he does or doesn't do on his condition. I have a friend whose son was quirky, but she pushed him to try everything and do everything until he was diagnosed with Aspergers, Tourette's, schizophrenia, and something else. (I'm not sure I believe the diagnoses, but I don't live with the kid.) Then she stopped pushing and started making excuses. Now the kid is 18, isn't in school, isn't going to college, and won't do anything. He is brilliant, but quirky... It's sad.

I agree to tell him. Now that he has asked, I think he is old enough to handle the explanation.

How is he supposed to be able to learn coping mechanisms for something when he does not even know what it's called?

My 6yr old is fully aware of his spd and adhd and what actions are triggered by what. He is learning how to identify if it is him, his adhd or his spd he is "listening to" when he makes a choice or does something. So, are you bouncy because you are hyper due to your adhd, or because you need to feel the pressure due to your spd or because you think it will be fun? Identify the action, the cause and an appropriate way to release it. Sometimes his trampoline is not available and he will jump on a couch, well if it is a need other than it sounds like fun he needs to stop, if he needs to satisfy adhd or spd then we need to find an alternative. Gosh, I hope that made sense.

I think your son should know what is going on with him, I also think that the suggestion of a camp is a good idea. Mild or not he deserves to know what he's working with.