Son's Father Calls After 4 Years

Wow... this is really exciting and scary all at the same time. This is a lot about this man that doesn't quite fit. Based on what you said, I would proceed with caution and be very clear with yourself about the interaction/relationship with this man. Personally, I think that your primary goal should be child support. If he makes that commitment and honors it, then consider supporting the relationship if is family seems safe, etc.

A few things:
1. Based on what you said and his previous actions, do NOT get sucked into having an intimate relationship with him...
2. I always think it is a good idea to meet his family, friends, etc... before bringing him onto your turf. ALWAYS insist on staying in a hotel... that way, you can always leave. It is much harder to kick him out than for you to walk out gracefully.
3. Continue to be honest with your son. Neither praise nor criticize, but always let the facts speak for themselves. I would recommend reservation and setting low expectations without being derogatory for your son, so that he does not get so let down. He may get let down... but at least it won't be because you were setting high hopes.

Trust your gut... but don't allow yourself to be fooled twice.

Elizabeth

You have some good ideas. You wrote: "My thoughts were to go to my son's father's hometown (with my son and my mom) and first get to know his father better, see how he lives, meet his family, etc." With him having disappeared for not just a few months, but years, I'd proceed with caution. After all, didn't he know your last name or your address from previous mailings? Couldn't he have used Information to locate you? Why'd it take getting served for child support to finally get in touch with you? I think before introducing someone new into a child's life, you first must know who this person really is. You are about to give your child a relationship with his father, and yet, you yourself don't know him. Make sure Dad is stable, consistent, and mature. Your son is well-adjusted and accepts what is going on, for now. To have his Dad come into his life, then disappear again might cause more trouble than it's worth. I would discuss this matter with my mother, and, should you decide to go and visit him, definitely take her with you, but I would not tell my son, yet, about his dad. I'd also move REALLY, REALLY slowly. You don't have to go to his hometown right now. It puts you at a disadvantage and, frankly, makes me very uneasy. It's unfortunate that you two fathered a child together without having that time to get to know each other, but you really need time to figure out how he thinks. Had he contacted you before the child support papers came, I probably wouldn't be so cautious. We live in a time when people are very unstable and you need to exercise good judgement before potentially putting you and your son in harm's way.

Wow, This is an amazing story and I do apologize I don't have an answer for you because I'm going thru something similar. My baby's father was over my apartment every other day on the weekends. We talked and discussed all kinds of dreams. How I wanted to get married, how I wanted a child and a family--that's what I came from. Well After I got pregnant, the father would still come buy feed me and rub my belly and was at the hospital when the baby was born and cut the umblical cord. So After all that this man --- saw his son 3 times after he was born and after that stopped calling coming everything. So I'm still blown by it. The baby just turned 10 months. My father his grandfather is helping but I need your prayers becausse my heart is hardened. Well got to get back to caring for Christopher. My biggest regret is getting with this man because now the baby won't be able to meet or see his father especially when he most need it.

Hello, I read your story and wanted to offer up a liitle advice or whatever you want to call it. I have an 19 year old nephew that never knew his dad growing up. He knew I was his dads sister. Long story short my brother met a girl (rebound love) and she got pregnant within the first few months. They didn't really know each other and needless to say never really got along. She was 17 and he was 19. To young to start growing up. Anyway even though they tried it never worked out. She is not the easiest person to get along with and I was hellbent on not allowing her to cut me out of his life like she had the rest of the family. My brother paid Child support when he worked (construction kept him traveling) and when he could he would send a card but that faded. He gave up his custodial rights and regretted it since. When my nephew turned 18 we decided taht it would now be his choice if he wanted to get to know his real father because his mother has kept him from my side of the family and his father and it has been a struggle since. I brought it up to him within the last 2 years and they have exchanged a few emails but my nephew hold so much anger inside that he feels like he was abandoned and that my brother had he cared more he would of never given up his parental rights. The raeson he did was that is what his mother told him my nephew wanted, that my nephew was confused as to why his last name was different than the rest of the family (she was remarried) and felt like an outsider, so feeling guilty and knowing it was probably best at the time to give him the family he deserved he let go. Now its been a struggle because my nephew figures you haven't been there for 15 years so why now. I know he feels kind of lost because he doesn't really know who he is and why he acts or does some of the things he does. I told him when I saw him last how amazed I was at how much the two are alike, his manerisms, walk, talk, laugh and I thought that it would be really helpfull if he would allow himself to al least get to know him a little bit and hear his side of the story before making any judgements. His mother also filled him w/ a ton of lies. He asked me why my side of the family hated him. So I had to explain that in no such way was that the case. Its hard to tell a kid that the person he has trusted for so many years hasn't been completly honest w/ him. My family never had the chance to get to see him and finally gave up after fighting w/ his mother for so many years. Anyway If the opportunity is there now for your son to get to know his father, take it. Right now he is young and it may be a little confusing but please don't wait 18 years. It will never get any easier than it would be right now. It may have just taken his father some time to grow up, he is a man after all :)
and obviously he wouldn't be geeting in touch and asking about him if he didn't want to get to know if. I mean if someone doesn't care they def do not want pictures. Then they have to face the truth and this is his blood, his child. So sounds to me like he would like a relationship with him. If you wait it will only cause you and him pain later down the road. He may feel like you lied to him and betrayed. Give him the chance and although there is no easy way to go about this, I would suggest getting them together and sitting your son down and just telling him this is his father and what questions would he like to ask. Honesty is the best and you may be surprised how well he may take it.
However before you do that you need to make sure this guy isn't just doing this to pop in and out, he needs to be a permanent fixture, whether by phonecalls, visits, cards, holiday gifts etc. Not just a once in a while dad, but a contributing father. Sorry this is so long, I tend to go overborad when trying to explain stuff.
I hope it all works out for you. Best of luck

Been there. But 24 years have passed now and my daughter finally met her father the night of her 22nd birthday. All she wanted was to meet him and see him, and now she is satisified. My story is just slightly different. I am black and her father is white. When I told him I was pregnant he did not believe that it was his. After she was born, he said there was no way a black women could have a baby by a white man and the baby look more white than black. Anyway, I was very happy she meet her father even if it was at age 22. Another reason I wanted her to meet him was because I knew he had other children, and the last thing I wanted was for her to bring home a boy that turned out to be her brother.

Your children should know there father.