Son's Girlfriend Is over Every Day!

Buy an air horn. Every time she finds a youtube video funny and brays at the screen, blow the air horn. Make her jump and pee a little. She'll eventually stop or leave because you've made the environment inhospitable.

my experience with teenagers is you have to teach them there are rules they have to abide by having their boyfriend or girlfriend over every night all night is not acceptable they are NOT ADULTS and that kind of relationship at that age is too stressful and too dangerous i know its hard believe me i have 4 girls 28, 20 10,& 8 i messed up with the older too but i am not going to play with the younger ones. i now have 4 grandchildren that 2of them are in their fathers custody and i have visitation every other weekend 1 has a father that has had 7 other kids who he doesnt even know and the other one has a dad who deals drugs for a livingand i can tell you that my younger kids are gonna suffer my wrath lol they will NOT bring home any boyfriend every night believe me when i say that they may hate you at the moment but they will grow up at some time in life and know that you are just looking out for their best intrest

Great answers from many people about allowing her presence but w/ ground rules that the whole family can live with. The point I was going to make is the same as what Lovesmommyhood pointed out. The constant companionship of this one girl appears to be precluding all other relationships with his peers, and it's an unhealthy, potentially codependent situation that may not be good for him in the long run. He'll never see it that way, so you'll have to be careful how you speak to him about it. He has to see for himself that he needs more than this one girlfriend in his life. Best wishes as you negotiate the intricacies of this complicated situation.

Added after your SWH - My gracious - what a mess! Have you considered calling social services anonymously? So very sorry. Maybe if you and your husband went to counseling to talk about this with a third party, he would see what is more important than keeping the "peace".

Original:
Put them to work. Have them clean out the garage. Clean out and organize closets, work on the yard, that kind of thing. She screams? What on earth it THAT about?

Your son might not be talking to you, but you must tell him that you have not adopted another child into the family. If he wants to live with a girl, then he will need to finish high school, go get a job, and find another place to live. He obviously doesn't have a summer job (why didn't you require him to get a job?) and doesn't do anything but spend time with her.

I hope that he will be a senior this coming year so that you can tell him that after high school he has to find a place of his own. I say this to you because you seem so worried about your relationship with him, but not worried enough about what happens if you give him his way.

Being compassionate doesn't mean letting someone outside of your family hold all of you hostage. You owe your younger son more than this. Where are her parents? Can you not talk to them and tell them that she is not your daughter and they need to be taking care of her?

Stop letting your son's cold shoulder waiver your resolve. He needs to man up and understand that this is not normal behavior to have a girlfriend basically live with him in his parents' home. He needs to understand that he can't have his cake and eat it too. This is part of him having to learn to grow up, mom. If you give in to him and let him run your family's life, he will end up mooching off of other people all of his life. Let him learn reality and he will appreciate it later. Even if he ends up living with this girl after high school, he'll figure out that living with a screaming messed up roommate/girlfriend is awful.

Sometimes our kids have to learn life lessons and we need to let them.

Dawn

Not only is it perfectly acceptable, but you as the adult SHOULD establish the rules for your household.

It is not acceptable for you, your husband, or younger son to feel like you are on pins and needles in your own home.

Regardless of this girl's background or her need for healthy attention, your family needs time together. Your boundaries are being violated, but you are allowing it to go on. When her constant presence is interfering with your son's school work, and your work responsibilities (like getting there on time), it is time to re-evaluate things.

Assure your son you aren't trying to push her away or get rid of her. Let him know she is welcome but that there ARE limits (how frequently, how long, when "visiting hours" must end, etc.). You and your husband should decide what your limits are and then discuss with your son.

Check out the book, "Back in Control: How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. If it's not in your library, you can get it quickly and inexpensively on Amazon.

It is no cure-all, to be sure. However, it is a great start and gives you the language to use that gets your child's attention and compliance.

Best to you and your family.

J. F.

Put her to work.
When she comes over on a week day, have her scrubbing toilets/bathtubs/shower, washing dishes by hand (scrubbing pots, don't give her anything fragile), mowing the lawn, mopping the floor, vacuuming, washing windows, etc.
Treat her like a maid.
How is she watching Youtube, on her phone?
Tell her since she's HERE, she doesn't need her phone on so either power it down or don't bring it.
If she's watching over your internet, turn it off while she's at your home.
When she visits, no tv, computer or games.
Start serving liver and onions for supper - a lot.
If THAT doesn't cut back her time at your house, at least you'll have less housework on your hands.
Your son needs to be thinking about his exit plan.
He and his girlfriend both need jobs.
For him to be SO attached to this girl means they are probably having sex.
He needs to have a plan on board for moving out when he graduates and it looks like he'll have a potential dependent who'll be tagging along with him.
Lets see how HE handles her mooching off him all the time.

Stick to your guns. You have been more than reasonable. He's a teenager - if he's not mad at you, you're doing something wrong. Every day of being "the worst mother ever" is validation that you're doing it right. He needs to socialize on weekends and have a life during the week.

be strong and stick to your guns on this. If you budge an inch.. they are going to take a mile.

I would keep it at weekends and maybe if that goes good and they stick to it and listen then add in maybe Wednesday's on the condition that she is out of the house by 9. If they mess it up one time and she doesn't leave then take that one week day away.

This is still your house and your rules and he has to live by them... sucks I know, remember when we were kids lol. But when he looks back he will understand. I would also let him know that if this pissy attitude keeps up you will take away the weekend visits also.

He will get over it and hopefully sooner than later he will come to his senses and act appropriately... eventually he is going to want something from you so he will stop acting like a child.

Wow, what a mess :(
I lived with my aunt as a teen, and she took in a few other "strays" over the years as well, but none of us ever treated her like this. We were grateful to have a safe place to be and respectful of her and her home!
You can still be kind and compassionate while setting boundaries and having expectations.
I guess first and foremost, change the password to the internet. There's no reason she needs to be sitting around your house online "screaming" at videos. That's just weird and way uncool. So what if your son doesn't like it. They have internet access at the library. Any schoolwork they need to do can be done there, other than that, it's not your problem.
Let her know that if she will be staying for dinner that she is expected to help prepare it and clean up. I'm all for taking in kids who have a poor home life but they should know that a HEALTHY home life includes pitching in and being part of the family. Make sure your son is doing this too. There's no reason for you to be "serving" these kids, they are practically adults after all and need to start acting that way.
Oh, and don't buy ANY soda or junk/snack food. I only get that stuff for my kids (ages 13, 16 and 19) on special occasions, otherwise they and their friends will eat it ALL within a day or two! It's NOT worth it :(
Beyond that, well I don't know.
Stay strong, and I wish you luck!!!

.

I had a situation similar to this. I took the approach of casually saying to the girl, in my son's presence, that it was like having another kid in the house...always wanted a girl, etc. Again, I tried to sound casual (although it was well thought out.)

I didn't "assign" her chores, but I would ask her to do anything I would have asked of a daughter. She helped me in the kitchen, cleaned bathrooms if necessary, helped with laundry, etc. The same tasks my boys did, she was asked to do, but not always with my son. "Rachel, the towels in the laundry need to be folded. After you fold them I'll put them away." "Rachel, while Ike unloads the dishwasher will you help me peel some potatoes for dinner?"

I also helped to "civilize" her some by telling her what was and wasn't ok at our house, as issues would arise. For example, when your son's gf is yelling you could just gently say, "we don't speak that way here. If you speak in a normal tone we'll listen to you. If you yell you need to go somewhere else."

It's also ok to tell her, or to tell them together that some things are "family only." Just say "Tomorrow we have family plans. Maybe you can come back on Friday." Also, remind your son that he is your son first and a friend/boyfriend second. One time of showing you disrespect in front of her and her she's no longer going to be visiting.

As irritating as it is to have her there (and believe me, I DO remember how irritating it is) she must need something that you offer. One other note...be firm in the rule that they are not home together when you are not there. Good luck.

Ok, you have just got to set up some house rules.

Your son should always ask your permission for ANYONE to come over to your home..

Then he has to accept your yes or no.
You at this time, you set the amount of time for this visit.And stick to it.. Let him know if he allows her to stay longer, she will not be allowed to come over for 2 days straight.

Ex... "Yes, she may come over for 2 hours, but she will need to leave when it is time for our dinner."

"Not today, I am not feeling like having company today."

"No your brother will be having friends over today."

This must happen every time. Make this clear that as adults.. sometimes we just need to have our space and not always have guests here. This is the truth, so tell him the truth.

Also let them know what they are allowed to snack on or eat. Let them know the rest of the food has to get the family through the week. My mother always had snacks... healthy boring snacks.. but we were not to eat the food that was for our family.. She was a single mom and just did not have money to feed everyone. Really, every friend I had their parents were the same.

Or have your son use his earnings to get food for them..

Here is the catch.. If they do not hang out at your house.. Where are they going to hang out?

Be prepared for him to leave to meet her somewhere.

Once he starts working, remind him, she should not be dropping by his work.. That is not professional. He should encourage her to find work also.

Remind him to keep his phone on silent and to only check it at break or lunch.. and mom, if you need to get a hold of him.. Call him and leave him a message.. IF it is an emergency call the actual business and ask to speak with him.. Young people today, have to be reminded, their cell phones are not to be used while they are working.

Also does he do his chores at home? Clean the pool, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn? While he is doing his chores, he cannot have guests over until they are completed. .

When she is in your home watching TV remind her to keep her voice down. Nothing wrong with that. I am loud and sometimes, I forget how loud I am and even though it is embarrassing or kind of hurts my feelings.. it is a good reminder.

Our daughter has a friend that comes over and talks while we watch movies!!!!! drives us crazy.. So our daughter reminds her, "hey, we are all watching this movie.."

We sometimes walk into the room and remind them to hold it down..

If you criticize or he feels like you all are picking on her, he is going to cling to her even more.

My mother used to invite our boyfriends over, we played board games, we took them to church, they helped us on household projects.. They either lasted or disappeared..

Hang in there.. he will get tired of her soon.. Try to let it run its course. Hopefully he will outgrow her on his own..

I am sending you strength.

there are really only two good answers to this.
be firm on your decision. if your son wants to discuss it with you, be open and non-judgemental with him, but also be honest and clear about why things are as they are. 16 year olds are not allowed to hold you emotionally hostage.
but they will try.
:)
the other is to allow her to be over all she wants, but make sure they both- she AND your son- are aware and understand the rules. and make the rules simple and non-negotiable. there are snacks in xyz places (one shelf in the cupboard, one in the fridge, for example.) those and ONLY those snacks are to be eaten. other than that, hands off the family groceries. you'll provide the meals. if she (or he) breaks into off-limits food they have to replace it at their own expense that very day. period.
inside voices are to be used inside the house. this usually gets handled in the toddler stage, but if she comes from a Loud Family she'll need help getting it. be patient but very persistent. every time she brays, let her know. if she doesn't care or can't control it, she has to leave.
why could you NOT get her to leave before 10? she's a teenager. your house, your rules.
i'm sorry your husband isn't backing you up. it would sure help if you were a good solid united front. but if he's not, you have to do it.
or you can continue to allow a pair of teenagers to rule the roost.
wouldn't work for me.
khairete
S.

He should be doing his homework and be holding a job, like in your update. Also, she may be showing up at his work once he starts, so they need to understand that isn't okay. Girlfriend visits should be after that, and on weekends. Firm up and lay some ground rules.

My thoughts are that this will all be over in a couple of months when he turns 18. He will just move to her house and then a baby will soon be on the way and a couple getting married for all the wrong reasons...At the very least you are supervising them and can know they are not spending the evening bumping uglies. A baby on the way is not the best thing right now.

That said. Here is what I would do if this were going on in my house.

Family meeting time, she's part of the family so she comes too.

Address other issues too so that she doesn't know she is the focus of the meeting.

I would point out that little brother is not getting to bed on time, he needs down time in the evenings. She needs to go home by 9pm each and every day. No exceptions. Well, if it is planned ahead and you have given permission, like for a movie night.

I would tell her that if she is going to eat with the family every night she can have an assigned chore just like everyone else. Dishes is a good deterrent. I would not come eat if I had to do dishes. I would rather throw them in the trash than wash dishes. That comes from being beat with a belt or switch every night and having to rewash the dishes over and over. I was standing in a chair when it started so I wasn't very old.

I would tell her that she is welcome to come over but she does need to contribute in some way to making the house cleaner and healthier. No smoking on the property, no bad language, you might have to make a list and actually give it to her, she may be able to say or do anything at home....

Etc...you can figure this part out. You know how to do this.

Anywho.....This can turn out two ways. She may not come over as much or she may finally feel accepted and be happier.

I can tell you the more you push her away the more he will cling to her and take her side. She will be the "wronged" person and you'll only be the bad guy. He's almost 18, he will choose her over you.

You have all the power by letting them hang out at your house. I would also get to know her family very very very well. They are likely going to be part of your life for many many years to come.

It is normal for a 17 year old to want to see their bf/gf not just on the weekends. From what you have said, it sounds like your home is more stable for her (like an escape from her parents and the chaos).

Try to set up some ground rules (write down some that you would like and some that are a must and get hubby's input too) then both of you sit down and talk to your son. Tell him that you realize "weekend only" was too much but you definately need to establish some groundrules..which are way overdue. Don't mention that little brother doesn't like her...he probably already knows.

If he is working days only, that should take care of those visits. Tell him that you don't want her over without you or dad being home and sometimes when you are both home you really want some "just family" time". Tell him something like two or three evenings (gone by 9 pm) per week (Sunday - Thursday) and either Friday or Saturday but not both. Or tell him something like Friday and Saturday until no later than 11 pm and Sunday is family time. Monday through Thursday...pick two evenings and then gone by 9 pm. If his schedule is fixed, this will allow you to plan and savor your girlfriend free time. And when she is there, be kind to her but treat her like the rest...have her help set the table, clean up...she's acting as part of the family, let her behave like it.

I can somewhat relate to the situation you are in. 3 years ago my BIL got a high school girlfriend about 2 months before graduation. This girl comes from a family where her older siblings are much much older and while her parents are loving towards her they are nearing retiring and by the time she was 17 she was becoming more of an after thought. Within 2 months my BIL and her were non stop together. She spent every hour she wasn't sleeping at my MIL house and my MIL was having the same issues since my husband also has a younger sister. This girl was eating almost every meal at my MIL. My BIL stopped doing anything. He worked with her and they went to the local college and took all the same classes. Inseparable.

My BIL and I have a really good relationship. He comes to me for most of his advice. So from day 1 I was telling him that he should stay friends with his close high school friends. That it was important for them to have their own friends and do things independently. He didn't take any of my advice. Lol. 5 months ago he broke things off with her. Said he had just fallen out of love and was only 21 and wanted to live a single life a little.

The thing is he now doesn't know how to be single. He lost all his friends because he stopped hanging out with them. He wants to quit his job because it's awkward to see her everyday. He tells me all the time now that he wishes he had taken the advice his mom and I had given him.

Even if right now he is a little peeved at you and thinks your being unfair or unreasonable in my opinion you did the right thing. Young kids in what they think is love don't understand for the most part that it doesn't mean you have to be together all the time. And more often than not they end up in an unhealthy relationship relying 100% on the other person.

I really hope it turns around for you. But I'll say it again I think you did the right thing. If I was in your situation with my son I would do the same.

Best of luck to you!

Screams and is loud -wonder where she learned that? eats you out of house and home? wonder how much food she has available at home? Will not leave to go home to her own house - why? she is so miserable there? Sounds like she is very lucky to have a safe place with a caring family to visit, and someone who loves her.
I would say let her move in. See how that goes. You will have more control if she is living under your roof and it may change their relationship too. Teenagers love to be dramatic about how the universe is stopping them from being together. From your comments above I know this won't be an option.
I think your asking for trouble limiting visits to weekends only. I would sit them both down and ask them what they think is fair and why. Hear them out and then negotiate. You can come over Wed, Fri and Sat night and Sunday nights only. Wed and Sunday night you must leave at 9pm and not allowed over until 6pm when your son has finished his homework. The issue isn't separating them but school work and sleep!! Please respect our family time and keep calls brief on the other nights.
You need to set the rules in your home and whats best for your son when he is blinded by love. He needs to know that his family wants to spend time with him and cares enough about him to enforce the rules. If they break up in 'x'mths time he will still feel connected to you. In 5yrs time he will thank you for making school a priority.

They should find a different place to hang out. It is YOUR house so you can tell her to leave whenever you want without being rude, especially if your youngest son doesn't like her.

This is a hard one because on one hand you want your son to be happy, but on the other hand you want whats best for him and your family. Whats best for him and the family is whats most important, (eventhough this is going to be really difficult to convice and make your son understand).You are doing the right thing by making rules and don't worry if hes upset with you, I think most teens are upset with their parents most of the time,lol. In addition to what was said maybe also explain to your son that he's getting older and that you cherish this time you have with him and that it won't be long before he's out of the house and you'll never have this time again. Also, emphasize the importance of his younger brother who wants to spend time with him also and how much he needs his older brother because again it won't be long before he's out of the house and won't have his big brother around all the time any more. Maybe you could make family outings, vacation or even a fun road trip for just the family, (girfriend not included), so he can get some time away from her and maybe schedule him to do activities that wouldn't include her.

It sounds like how my mother-in-law felt about me 25 years ago! I mean we both went to school and worked, and I wasn't loud or from a troubled home, and there was no such thing as you-tube. We just liked spending time together and it was cheaper to hang out at his parents house than go out all the time. The only reason we hung out at his place was because I had a car and he didn't, so it was easier for me to go there. This went on from the time we were 17 until we had both graduated from college. We moved into our own place at 24, married at 25, and celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary this year. I'm just saying that this girl may be part of your family and the mother of your future grandchildren, so try to make things work for everyone. And appreciate the fact that your son is at home, and not out somewhere doing who knows what...

It's a touchy situation, but I think you are justified in limiting her time in your home. I would find time to sit down with your son one on one and clear the air. He only sees it as "I get to spend time with my GF". He doesn't see all the rest, or doesn't want to see it. Sometimes, unfortunately, a parent's job is to be disliked.

Further, if there are specific issues with the girl, maybe sit down with them both and say, "This is what cannot continue here." She comes from a dysfunctional home that is all too keen to be rid of her when they can, and if she hasn't learned not to scream or not be rude, then I can totally see where that would be hard to deal with. You might also tell the kids you will consider (if you really will) a week night like maybe Weds or something if these rules are abided by on the weekend. You cannot be late for work, for example. And he cannot not do schoolwork. Heck, maybe instead of her being a guest at this point, put her to work while she's over. Unload the dishes, do her homework, etc.

Have you laid out, calmly, the other issues? "Son, I'm sorry that her home life is not great, but I cannot be late for work. I could lose my job. Do you understand how that would impact our family?"

Sometimes when I just don't want to deal with SD's BF (and I like him), I will tell them to hang at the mall and I'll pick them up later. Does your son leave the house with her or is she always at home? I've also said to SD, "BF can come over but your dad and I can't fetch and carry. He needs his own ride and needs to head home by 9." This spring BF started mowing our lawn to get time with SD. I'm okay with that.

You need to talk to your son about again and work out a compromise. Tell him you understand that he was hurt by your request and ask him what would be a better solution. Maybe you can reach a middle ground (weekends plus one or two weekdays after school, but not till 10 p.m.)

Did you also tell him he can't see her at all during the week, or just that they can't be at your house?

Sit him down and figure out something that works for the entire family.

They have been dating for two years... give up now and save yourself the trouble. Take solace in the fact that your son (and his relationship with your family) has probably saved this girl from the emotional trauma of having abusive parents... and don't shy away from that term, from your description it is accurate

I can't speak to the fact that your son isn't doing anything productive, but when it comes to kids from troubled homes, my personal belief is that you have to keep putting yourself out for them. If it's any consolation, most girls start to mature out of teen angst by the time they are eighteen, so her screaming etc. should start calming down soon.

One of my daughter's friends came from a troubled home, and I put up with a lot from her because I knew what she was going through. Her moods and stomping around as a result of her home life subsided when she was 18, as did most of the teen angst of my daughter's other friends.