Friends and Visiting at 11?? - Landenberg,PA

I'm really glad you asked this and i'm really glad everyone so far seems to have been gentle, I really need to work on this myself. I feel so much guilt and yuck over thinking I need to have someone over, then they are here and i am uncomorftable and on edge, then they leave and have a few days before i start feeling guilty all over again.

IF i can keep the long term goal in mind that when my kids are teens i want to be a part of their lives, maybe that will help me to accept this more.

Hugs!

You need to suck it up LOTS. It's all about her now, not you. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but come on. Do you really expect your daughter to not have anyone over, just cause you don't like it? What are you going to do when she gets older and wants to have her friends over? I'm sure she will want a sleepover sometime. Are you hoping that she will just get invited somewhere, and you will never have to reciprocate? That won't last very long, since friendship is a two-way street. You need to get over it for your daughter's sake.

Suck it up big time. She needs social interaction with her friends. Maybe you could initiate a visit with one of her friends that you have better trust issues with, and talk to that child's mom about switching off visits between your house and hers. This way it's not always at your home.

I totally get where you are coming from as my husband is the same way, but this is what I told him. I'd rather have my children's friends in and out of MY house where I KNOW what is going on, than to worry about them or others at another person's house. I guess saying that makes me a control freak, but so be it. I want to know who they're with, and where they are, and if it's my house, I feel better about the whole thing.

Good luck and let her spread her wings mama. She'll love you more if you do!

You do, S.. You really do need to suck it up. At some point, your daughter's friend(s) won't be a stranger anymore and hopefully you'll feel more comfortable. But if she has a hard time making friends, your hang-up is going to hinder her further.

I get where you're coming from, though. I'm rather private, as well. But now that our daughter is 6 and in school, she's making lots of friends and they want to make plans on weekends. Being at that age, it's usually a play date where the mom comes with her child. So I've had to entertain perfect stranger moms while our kids play elsewhere in the house. Eh, it's a bit uncomfortable, I'll readily admit. But I do it for our daughter. I'd love to be the "cool" mom and have the "cool" house where all the kids want to hang out. I'm working on it. For my daughter.

Added: I'm taking the "at 11" in your title to mean that your daughter is 11 years old, yes? Not 11 p.m.

I thought you meant the friends were arriving for visits at 11pm - yep - I would have a problem with that. :-)

Now I realize you mean your daughter is 11 and wants to have friends over. I agree you need to lighten up and deal with it. They should pretty much be in her room most of the time anyhow (at least that is how it was when I was that age) - so when the girl shows up - give them a snack - send them on their merry way to her room - and go relax.

Good luck.

I love having people over, especially my kids' friends. But I have plenty of rules because I don't like alot of noise, chaos or having to clean up after others. To some extent, I lower my standards and expect to clean up a little if we're having 20 kids over for a party. But just a few quiet friends are no big deal. Here's what I expect of my kids and their friends:

shoes off at the front door.
eat food in the kitchen or dining room.
no food upstairs!
help yourself to water and snacks, don't wait for me to serve you.
pick up and clean up after yourselves.
anything that requires paint, chemicals or causes explosions has to be done outside, and use a plastic tarp to protect the grass.
if you're covered in dirt, change your clothes before sitting on the off-white couch.

I think it's great that you want to be the kind of parent who lets your kids have friends over. If you find you cannot stand it, find a therapist to help you. This could make a big difference in the well-being of your children.

My dad didn't allow us to have friends and since we were also isolated--no close neighbors-- I didn't learn what a friend was until recently. And I'm 56. Anyone who talked to me I thought was a friend. If they were mean or dismissive I thought that is how everyone is -- my parents were.

I grew up lonely and had terrible self esteem issues.

Don't do this to your child. You will learn to become comfortable having people in your home. You need to learn to surround yourself with true friends. People who love you and accept you as you are. Once you are able to do that having them over will be so much easier.

I am hoping your social anxieties are not rubbing off on your daughter. You mention your daughter has trouble making friends...so she needs you to help her.

You need to help facilitate ways for her to have fun and healthy relationships with friends...even at the expense of your own fears or frustrations. It is not an everyday occurrence..but needs to happen often. I understand your feelings..it disrupts your schedule and the privacy within your home...I get it.

I too am a person that loves my home to be neat and organized and peaceful. But with 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl ,that just ain't gonna happen...and the oldest is a drummer and plays trumet. And with a drummer...the band usually will meet at your house cuz they are so dang difficult to transport. Sooo there goes my peace and quiet. But...it is about him and not me! He has talent and a love for music so I do all I can to help nurture that. We host the band weekly and I make a buttload of snacks for them. During the summer we open our yard weekly for family swim time. Does it get messy? Yep. But at one point I tell everyone to help clean up and they are not allowed in the house.

I also have a weekly homework group for my oldest's friends and my daughter invites a friend or two. Sooo, we have about 10 kids scattered around the house working on homework, laughing and talking. And...I keep the snack table full. Do I REALLY want this brood in my home? Not particularly but it is fun. Would I much rather enjoy some peace and quiet?? Heck yes! But again..this is about them and not me. I see the current and future importance of having strong bonds of friends to help and support my kids once they hit those teen years/High School years.

I am hoping these activities make for good, solid friendships with both genders. That is why I disrupt MY life for these loud and messy activities. And, I would rather have them in my home than anywhere else.

This also opens myself up to meeting new people my age and I have made some great "mom" friends.

I understand your house is small. Try scheduling activities like the friend coming over to make cookies or a dessert, or make a craft and have hot chocolate. Have a reason for the playdate and not just random chaos around your home.

Good luck and best wishes!!

I wonder if your daughter has felt your anxiety around others in your home and has developed the same anxiety. I think you do need to suck it up for the sake of your daughter at least a couple of times a week. Like others, perhaps you could plan a day to make cookies or cupcakes with them. Getting to know the friend a little better might make you feel more comfortable. The more she is there, the more comfortable you will be with it. Also, work on your attitude about the friend as I am sure the girls will pick up on your skepticism.

I'm similar right now... my house is an ongoing disaster... I CRINGE at even the thought of having people over. But I do it. Because it's really, really important. Fortunately, the kids don't give a rip about my insecurities. It's just me.

<GRIN> But here's what I do MORE OFTEN:

I take the boys somewhere.

YMCA pool
Park
Zoo
Discount Movies
Science Center
PicNic
Kite Flying
Nail Salon (yes, boys like foot massage, too)
Wherever

SO worth the $3-$20
So, so, so worth the $3-$20

((BTW... I'm assuming you're talking AGE 11? Which is our crowd. The 9-12yos))

I'm a firm believer in the idea that teenagers won't shrivel up and die or be scarred for life if they don't get to do "all the things their friends do". I don't like having people in my home either. Maybe in my case it stems from the fact that I have a business in my home and I already open my doors to daycare children and parents, 7 days per week, 24 hours per day. Between my regular people and people that I meet with regarding daycare, I've never had anything left for lots of entertaining with the kids.

Set a limit you are okay with. End of story.

what's wrong with setting boundaries and limits?

You don't like people in your home. Okay - but your daughter deserves to have friends...don't take that away from her because of your anxiety.

She can come over between 5 and 7.

I wonder if you daughter is having a hard time making friends because of your anxiety. I mean no ill will or meanness here - but body language says SOOO much more than words sometimes...especially if you are with her around people she is TRYING to become friends with...they may pick up on your feelings and push her away (not literally just figuratively)..

Talk with your daughter about your boundaries - where they can be inside the house and the hours that they can be in the house...I would suck it up during the set boundaries and rules.

You need to suck it up, a lot. It may be difficult to say, but when she is older, would you rather her be hanging out at friend's houses, doing who knows what, or at your home where you can be a good influence and keep an eye on them. That is my end goal, so I learn to put up with it now.

You can try to give them a simple task, let them make sandwiches or snacks, let them put on a movie, or an activity at the table or in her room, let them do homework at the table... (all depending on their ages of course). You can go and sit at the table and cut coupons or read a book while she and her friend are watching tv. It takes time and patience, but you do have to learn to share the space. Be sure you have boundaries, one little girl will follow me all around the house, even into the bathroom. It's so awkward when I have to say, "Excuse me sweetheart, you have to go back in the living room b/c I have to use the restroom." Also, have a set time. None of this showing up unexpected and staying for several hours and hinting at being hungry for dinner. Coordinate an actual time frame. That may help :)

I don't think it's unrealistic to expect this friend is constantly in & out of your house all day, every day.
Set up times when you can have her over and a set time frame. Say, invite her over on Saturday from noon to 3. Would something like that work better? Like, if you knew there was a definite start and end time?

Can you give her hours that friends can be in the house? I don't love people in and out of my house either - especially my MIL for two weeks - but my kids friends aren't over unless they are dropped off or I pick up...so not too often.

Don't let your anxiety get in the way of your daughter's one friendship. Maybe they can stay in her room more?

Talk to your daughter. I'm sure she'll be receptive to any limits you place when you explain why,

I like privacy to an extent but I also enjoy a house full of happy kids. Spending time and really getting to know your kid's friends is really important expecially at 11, she's almost a teen. I have a lot of fun with my childrens friends and they enjoy being at our house. I would suggest you work on relaxing a little and see what happens. Could the fact that your daughter had a rocky time with this girl last year be effecting your tolerence of her in your home?
I have a lot more fun with the kids my children bring home if I really like the child. If I don't know them very well, they seem spoiled or stand offish then a red flag is up and I don't enjoy their company too much. This has really only happened a couple of times and the girls who we've all embraced are the ones that love to come to our house and have become close with our family.
Watch a movie together, have dinner, play a game and see what you really think of this little girl. Maybe you'll find you like her and if not you can encourage your daughter to branch out a little and maybe she'll find some friends you both love. Hanging out socially with kids is a great way to keep an eye on what's up and form relationships with the people your child will be spending more and more time with.

Do you have a lot of friends? Is she learning from you as it relates to forming and continuing relationships? Just because you can't stand it doesn't mean that your daughter can't have 1 (or several) friends.
I know that there can be social anxiety disorders, if that is the case... - you can definitely make certain rooms off limits, while still allowing your daughter to entertain friends. Once she has a friend, I would assume they are no longer strangers. But, I also don't mind a revolving door at my house. You knock - you're in!

I would try to figure out what makes you unhappy and try to work out a schedule or some parameters that you can live with. They don't have to stay for dinner and they don't have to be there by themselves. Just do your thing nearby and end the occasion if they get too testy.

set boundaries. they are allowed to be in the living room/bathroom/kitchen and her room. Your room is off limits.

have them play outside.
have them meet up somewhere like the movies.

Can you come up with some ground rules and boundaries? I understand being private and not enjoying having company but it sounds like your issue may border on a phobia.
You don't need to have kids in and out all of the time. How about picking a certain time each week, like Friday after school, or a few hours Saturday afternoon? Make yourself scarce, say hello to the girl and then go into your room and read a book or watch TV. If your house is small it will be easy enough to keep an ear out for them, and you can come in from time to time to see what they're up to.
If your daughter has trouble making friends and you're not sure about this girl anyway, that is all the more reason to have her over. You need to get to know your daughter's friends, at least a little bit. If you aren't able to get past this then your daughter will start spending all her time at other kids' houses and I don't think that's what you want.
Another option is to invite the girl along when you go somewhere outside the house, a movie, ice cream, the mall, whatever.
Good luck, I hope you can work through this!

I think you probably need to suck it up, at least some. Does your daughter have her own room? Likely the girls can play in there for some time and be occupied. Or maybe you can let them play and you can go to your bedroom for a little while they are in the common area. Also, if you start inviting this girl over then she will likely start inviting your daughter over to her house sometimes too.

Well, it depends how old your daughter is, I wouldn't have visitors on a weeknight after 8pm, due to homework, baths etc. I don't think you need to suck it up at all. Your house, your rules.
I do not have people in and out of my house all the time. I can't stand it!

I admit it. I'm a loner. I don't have a lot of friends and am quite happy on my own...reading a book...or whatever. That said, I have a husband and 1 child who are extremely social. (The other child is more like me.) I'm not one who likes to have people over all the time. BUT...that's me personally...I don't live alone. I need to be receptive to making sure my family's needs are met, and my kids have needs of being with their friends. So...for your daughter's sake, yes, you need to suck it up - big time!

For example, today @ 5, my daughter was at the barn riding and asked if a friend could come home w/ her....I said yes...and then she asked if a 2nd could come as well...and so she did. So dinner was stretched from 4 to 6 people - so what? There are now 3 kids in my family room playing rock band...so I'm in my bedroom on my laptop.

We want to know our kids' friends. Some of their friends come from strong families, some come from troubled backgrounds. They are ALL welcome at our house. We want to know who tare kids are hanging out with. Would rather have them here where I know where they are and what they're doing.

It doesn't matter if your house is small. The kids don't care, and if you need to, you can hide out in your bedroom. One of the girls who is here now has a house that's 2-3 times bigger than ours - no joke. The other girl's house is probably 2/3 the size of ours. The kids really don't care about the place...they just want to hang out...and feel welcome.

Our daughter's best friend is here in the summer more often than not - for meals...whatever...her parents don't want the extra kids in their house. My husband and I call her our "extra" daughter. I think sometimes we feed her more often than her own family does. But...it makes our daughter happy that she's here...and she loves knowing her friends are welcome. Same thing for my son...he knows his friends are always welcome.

My mom would never allow my friends to be at our house at 11pm unless there was an overnight involved. You are free to make the rules in your house. Please do so.

In my house no friends visiting Saturday or Sunday mornings. Guests must be out of the house by no later than 10 pm in general. There are times when the friends are there later but we make certain parents are informed and require friends to give us a call when they get home if we haven't given them a ride.

Set some guidelines so you won't feel so incredibly violated in your own home. It may also be helpful to let your kid go over to her friends house too. Personally I prefer the kids at my house this way I can get to know the company my kid is keeping.