Sons' Relationship with Husband

Hi S.,

You've got a lot of good points to consider. I would certainly recommend talking with your husband about the situation and get his perspective. Also, I would try and make every effort while you're home to include and support him. For example, in the situation with your son and him running to you in the garage w/the burn... you could comfort your son and then say something like "Oh no, let's go talk to daddy together, say we are sorry and show him your boo-boo" and you could also see your hubby's reaction as well as help him to respond accordingly. I mean he does have a right to discipline because your son did disobey, but he could use it as a learning experience. Support your husband in front of the kids and say "Daddy told you to stay away from the BBQ because he didn't want you to get hurt. You disobeyed and that was not right. Now let's work on helping you get better. Next time you need to listen to daddy, right?"

Best wishes~

I'd have to agree with several of the posts here regarding the kids wanting the parent they do not see most of the day. I stay home with my kids and as soon as Dad walks through the door, my son (who is 4) wants nothing to do with me and is all over his Dad. My daughter is 14 and is past this point. My husband is the fun one and lets him get away with more due to some of the guilt of working long hours and being gone more often. This will circle back around when your boys get older and identify more with their dad. Its a phase. (Like everything else!) Good luck!

First question...did dad ask to see his hands did he ask or show concern that his son might have gotten hurt? Well I agree with S H, I am the primary care provider for my 6 children, when dh is home kids want his attention but have not been afraid to tell him they turn to who ever is closer. Older 3 are an ex's- There have been time the older ones will comment about not telling "their Father" something and I ask why??? For different reasons, not pain, just don't want a lecture for non important things. Have you asked your sons "what does daddy do when...?" "what happens when you...?" Try phrasing different questions about both parents "what happens when you do..and daddy catches or sees...then rephrase when mommy..." and maybe they will shed some light on their side of things. Play time, with dolls or army men or colouring, kids will tell if you LISTEN. Don't jump to conclusions or dismiss because you don't believe it, just let them talk, both of boys, the 3 year old is VERY capable of letting you in his world about how things REALLY are. It is probably just that you are the mom and are known for the "gentle touch". But the situation could be extremely harmful for your children to NOT be able to talk to dad in these situations. Kids don't generally hide their physical pain unless their is a very good reason. Children are very open honest beings we teach them to "please the world" by not being so blunt and upfront, your 5 year old is not quit there yet "out of the mouths of babes" was not something some one made up! Please find out what the issue is. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Good luck, enjoy them.

I am the primary caretaker for our 3 year old, however, she is mostly Daddy's girl. She just wants to be with Daddy when he is home. So if she was hurt, I would assume she would cry to Daddy for comfort. I don't think it is such a bad thing.

S., don't worry. This all sounds quite normal. Your husband is home the most with the kids and naturally is the enforcer/disciplinarian for a greater amount of time. Had you not been there, I'm sure your son would have told your husband that he was hurt.

Also, I am with my daughter more than my husband, who also works long hours (I work 20 hours a week). My daughter and I are extremely close (we are a family that also practices attachment parenting just like yours), but when dad opens that front door at the end of the day, the love just pours out of my daughter for daddy. This is a good thing. And I'm also ready for them to connect so that I can have a brief respite.

Good luck!

Which ever parent works is the "special parent" when they are home. Even my 15 month old exibits this preference to be with the working parent, esspecially in those first few moments when they get home. My daughter will even push me away to have her special time with Dad. I totally understand because I like to get my special time with him too. That part is pretty normal. Clearly you are the more nurturing one and your hubby my be gruff. Thats generally how it works after all men and women are different creatures who bring unique and needed attributes to the parenting table. Maybe you could encourage your husband to tap into a nurturing pocket since he is home with them and they need this mothering throughout the day. I think this would bother me a little as well.

S.,
This is absolutely every SAH mom's situation. They are so happy to see the parent that hasn't been there all day that they do tend to ignore the one who is. This has been in everyone's family for years. Dad is the disciplinarian when you are not home and your son probably was afraid after doing something that was very dangerous. Most kids will hide a hurt if they are afraid of the response that they just received. Your husband was scared (I'm sure) in his reaction, which can sometimes be perceived by kids as being mad at them. This is just how the dice fall and he is the stay at home parent. Just stay on the same page with how you discipline the children and always discuss it all with each other. It will make for a good working home.

I think this is totally normal. Most kids will seek out mom first if they are in trouble or hurt. Dads tend to lecture or yell and moms "fix" things. I remember one time my son was taking out the trash and it fell and cut his eye he was trying to clean it up when my daughter found a blood trail the first thing he said is don't tell dad of course she did and he needed stiches anyways I wouldn't worry too much he will go to his dad if you aren't there.

Hi S.,
I'm 46 and have a 6 year old son. I work full time and my husband is a producer who works when there is work - therefore he has been the stay at home parent when he isn't working and my son was in daycare or preschool when he was working. They have a great relationship until I walk in the door. That's when my son wants all my attention - everything is about mommy. Even when we go places as a family he always wants to sit with me (or on me), he wants me to carry him (over 50 lbs), etc.

He just wants to be with me because he doesn't see me all day. Sometimes he is rude to my husband because of this and my husband gets angry. But it doesn't mean they have a bad relationship. I just tell him that he's not acting nicely towards daddy and that daddy loves him no matter what but that daddy will get angry if he doesn't listen and acts rude. Basically you just have to support your husband best you can. Make sure your husband gets a big hug and kiss when you come in the door so your sons see how much you miss daddy too.

As far as the burn, your son may have been playing up to get your attention.

Hope this helps.

Since I'm the one who stays home with our kids, my husband is their "favorite" parent. ;D I think it's totally normal and expected for them to try to get the attention of whichever parent they see the least. Don't worry! :)

I would not be too concerned about him coming to you. I have 2 boys (nearly 4 yrs and 2-1/2 yrs) and both will ALWAYS come to me if they are hurt, even if they are right next to Daddy and I am across the room or on a different floor of the house. They LOVE their Daddy and are extremely attached to him, but when they are hurt, they always want Mommy, if I am available (if I am not around, they will gladly take comfort from their Daddy). Maybe it is because women are typically more nurturing by nature (even though my husband is a very nurturing Daddy), or maybe just that I am softer :). Who knows?

I am sure your husband is a great dad, and your kids are very attached to him. I don't think this is a reflection on their relationship. I have heard it is pretty common for children to prefer Mommy when they are sick, injured, etc. Even though your husband is the primary caregiver, there is still something about Mommy.

I don't think there is anything that needs to be fixed. I'm sure your son goes to Daddy for comfort when you are not there.

That's just my perspective, hope this helps!

This sounds familiar. In my relationship it's flipped. I have all girls and they are all Daddy's Girls. So, when they want something they go to Daddy because Mommy's the strict, disciplining one. It's possible that because your husband is home with them all day, he takes the responsibility of discipline and rules where you don't because you spend less time with them.

I will even do this periodically with my older girls, ground them from their sport activities then have my husband talk to them later asking them if they understood why I did that, then remove the grounding to something less impactful (we can't ground them from sports because their team mates are relying on them or it's part of school).

But, as far as your son not telling him, it may always be like that unless your husband sits down with them and talks to them apologizing to "yell" but asking if they understand why he was upset. And, reminding them it's okay to tell him that they are hurt.

It's not easy apologizing to our kids, I'm asian and was raised where adults receive the utmost respect.

Good luck,
S.

My daughter did a similar thing when she was 5 (she is now 19). We were doing construction and told her not to go near this pile of trash. Well she climbed on the pile and fell on a nail. The nail cut through her jeans and I found her trying to clean a pretty seriously deep cut in the bathroom by herself. Both her father and I were home and she chose to hide her injury rather than get "in trouble". We are really gentle, non-punishing parents.

Your son just probably felt guilty for not listening. I think his response was really normal. Just re-assure him that you and your husband are always there for him no matter what.

Good luck!

Children can respond this way due to many reasons... perhaps:
1) trust/mistrust
2) fear of a parent
3) fear to 'let down' a parent
4) fear of reprisal... and the way someone punishes them
5) fear of consequences
6) fear of a bad temper toward them in light of the incident
7) not feeling 'able' to tell the parent because of the usual way they are handled
8) they know that one parent is more sympathetic than the other
9) they are afraid of the Parent's temper or reaction... because by now the child 'knows' how it goes when they are scolded etc.
10) they know that one Parent is harder to deal with than the other... or one parent is 'stricter' (whether justified or not), than the other...
11) they know that they can go to one parent for comforting more than the other etc.
12) they feel dismissed by a parent no matter what, or not respected, not valued etc.
13) they feel comforted more with one parent than the other
14) they feel more comfortable in expressing themselves with one parent or the other

Sometimes as is typical, a child may run to one parent over the other because they do not want to be scolded or yelled at or what have you.

BUT, since your son went to YOU and opened up to you... it shows he trusts you and can get compassion from you and comforting, rationally. This is good. NEXT, you said your son was "so worried about Daddy being mad at him...." that he didn't go to Daddy, and instead went to you. Again, sounds like 'fear.' He didn't want to even tell Daddy even though he was in pain & Daddy was RIGHT there.

If a child is in ANY kind of pain, they NEED to be able to tell EITHER Parent, and FEEL that they can. What if the pain/injury was serious? Suppose: WHAT IF you were not home when this happened... would your son have just pretended that he was not hurt ALL DAY... and then by the time you came home from work at the end of the day? And that he did this because he was "so worried" about his Dad's reaction. THAT is a LONG LONG time to wait for a child who is hurt... this is not good...For your child.

Now, did you talk with your Hubby about it? You should. To me... a child who is afraid of talking to a parent for a legitimate concern or hurt... is a red light. It has to be remedied... for the CHILD'S sake. The child should come first... when they are hurt/injured physically, or have hurt feelings. At this point, when a child is hurt for any reason... it doesn't matter "who's" fault it was. Their 'hurt' should be addressed first and then they can be talked with about it.

Next, do you KNOW how your Hubby disciplines/handles/corrects/teaches your children when you are not home? Maybe he is more "strict" than you.... but in what way? Does he have a temper problem???

Next, a boy especially, NEEDS to be taught THAT IT IS OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS AND TO EXPRESS THEM no matter what. Not just be 'strong and silent' and pent up and frustrated or scared to express themselves.

Ideally, YOU as a Mom should know what and how your Hubby disciplines and what 'his' approach is. Obviously...if your son is 'afraid' to tell his Daddy he was hurt/burned.... then that is not good. It's a sign that something has to change... to benefit the well-being of the boys... so that they KNOW that EITHER Parent is a soft place to fall, no matter what and no matter what the situation.

For me, if my Hubby scolds my girl or son too "macho" like.... I tell him... and my Hubby admits it and will tell my children DIRECTLY "I'm sorry... Daddy shouldn't have yelled... I was wrong..." and then he gives them a big hug.... and we ALL talk about it OPENLY. Every parent makes mistakes too, sometimes... and we have to admit that to our child who was 'wronged.' It's important. But, my kids have no 'fear' of their Dad or me. That is the key thing.
If a child has a 'fear' of some adult.... then there must be a reason why. Or, perhaps the parenting 'style' can be adjusted or become more understanding... even a Parent has to 'learn' to be better too... NOT just the child.

Myself growing up, my late Dad, was the one that my sister and I went to, for ANYTHING, good or bad. Why? Because he talked WITH us, did not judge us, did not yell at us for stupid reasons, did not take his anger out on us, respected us, did not dismiss our 'silly' child-like worries, did not flip us off, did not blame us for things wrongly, ALWAYS let us express ourselves and even our deepest insecurities or questions, and ALWAYS ACCEPTED US no matter what. My Mom, was great too, in her own way....but was less accepting and less "warm and fuzzy" than my Dad, and was less understanding. My Dad could be a "mom AND a Dad".... but my Mom was a "Mom." That's hard to explain...but that is the way my Dad was. He was not, in other words, just a 'guy' who was out of touch with his kids or feelings or developmental 'needs.'

So, some kids just gravitate toward one Parent or the other... but as they get older... it gets more so. At least in my/my sister's case. But, then everyone is different. Perhaps your boys just feel more comfortable with you... and they miss you after a long day... and then they just know Mom is always there for them without having to "worry" about how you will react to them.

In any event, it seems to 'bother' you or worry you, that your son reacted this way, in relation to his Dad... thus you posted your question here. You'll get a lot of ideas here.

All the best,
Susan