Starting Daycare & Having Bad Dreams

My son, who's now 6, started going to daycare at my best friend's house when he was around 2. Even though he knew her, her kids, and had fun and didn't want to leave when it was time, would still cry to the point he'd

As a mother myself, you need to trust your instincts. The daycare lady should do everything to make you feel 100% safe leaving your daughter. If she's not, then maybe you need to find someone else who does not have a dog. You should do what is the best for your daugher and going somewhere that scares her may not be the best. It might take a few people until you're comfortable...it'll be worth it in the end.

Here is my advice. If you have a bad feeling about the place that you are sending her to then try and find another place. I know that it is normal for a child to cry but it is also important for you to feel comfortable with the place that you send her. Maybe she is just so scared of the dog she doesn't want to be around the dog. Whatever it may be you are uncomfortable with the daycare situation she is in. I know for me if I am uncomfortable with where my daughter is, its hard for me to get through the day. I had a hard time at first telling when my daughter wanted to be in a place or just cried. She does cry occasionally when I leave her with my parents who are great but it is only until I shut the door and then she stops. Listen to your heart, you are the parent and if you don't feel comfortable try and find someone else. There is no harm in that. Crying is normal, feeling upset and uneasy is also normal but you have to go with your gut feeling on this. Hope that this helps. I am an in-home care provider and I wouldn't care if a child stop going. I am a mother to and realize it is about what situation works out for all the people involved. Best of luck!

My daughter did that same thing. I send my kids to montessori school but in CA the closest one was a home Montessori school. Previous to that she went to a Jan Peterson school just a couple days a week and loved it. When she started the Home Montessori school she never wanted to go. I also know that having them go everyday helps them get use to the idea. I did the Home Montessori school for a couple of months and the behavior was continous everytime she would have to go. we would turn the corner in the subdivision and she would start crying. I know kids need time for change but at some point you gotta to realize it's not working. So after the couple months I just felt to guilty and took her out. I couldn't put her through that twice a week when it was clear for whatever reason she did not want to go. Then we moved here to Mo and she started back at Montessori school and actually goes to a school and I have never had 1 problem with her going or my son. they love it and look forward to it. Not of course saying that the babysitter is doing anything wrong but sometimes kids just can't get comfortable with certain people and enviornments. I would say give it a good 3 weeks ( if she goes everyday) and if it continues maybe search for something different.

Hi. I feel your pain. My little boy is nearly two and the last 4 months or so he has been crying when I leave him. He has always been with the same day care provider, who happens to be my best friend (so I know he is getting the best possible). He has just been more clingy lately for some reason. She assures me that not 2 minutes after I leave he is perfectly fine. He eats breakfast there so she started having it ready by the time he got there to help distract him and it works to an extent. Good luck in your decision.

Hi M.,

I am a home child care provider and I have seen kids that get very upset when their parents leave and others that don't care.
That being said this is very normal as far as she crying when you leave, I have had a number of kids scream at the door while their mom or dad leaves and as soon as they are out of sight they stop and are on to what is going on around them, I actually think it is more heartbreaking to the parents then it is to the child. Lots of parents feel guilty and feel like they are doing wrong by their child and abandoning them and you shouldn't feel that way at all. You are doing right by starting early before you actually do go to work.

I also have done the samething that Suzi has, theres a point when it just comes to ok I understand you are mad and upset (and they are simply trying to play the sympathy and attention card here) but I don't want to hear it and neither does anyone else. So I say the samething go "have it out with yourself" in the corner and let me know when you are done and we will talk about letting you out.

Like your sitter I have a big dog (he is a yellow lab and good size for not being a year old yet). He (Bud) also gets very excited when new kids start or when the kids show up in the morning so I keep him up or put him outside when everyone is showing up. He also likes to give everyone kisses and gets worried when they cry. The ones that have been her the longest are used to it now.

As far as to help you daughter the only thing you can do is to keep doing what you are doing. Also tell her where she is going not just "daycare" but the persons name that watches her and she is gonna have fun and reassure her that you will return in a little while. If you can tell her you will pick her up after nap, before snack, after snack whenever it might be. I realize she is only 2 but she does understand, also start telling her you are going to work, get her up at the same time everyday and get her to daycare this will help her establish a routine and know what to expect next at your daycare providers house. I'm sure you sitter does the same as I, I comfort the kids when they are crying and say it's ok mommy or daddy will be back, they have to go to work now and come on lets go do this that the other kids are doing. I feel the worst thing you can do is baby her or take her back home that shifts the power to her and you don't want that. It will get better I promise it might take a few weeks but pretty soon she will be doing the samething but instead she won't want to leave. As far as the bad dreams I can only say you have to comfort her tell her it's ok and reassure her that she will have fun. I have watched a little girl now since she was 6 months old and every once in awhile she will go through this samething and she will be 2 in June. Hang in there, you are doing right and it will get better. W. mom of 4 and home child care provider. P.S. it breaks my heart when I see the parents upset and the kids upset, I get upset. Believe me it effects us daycare providers to. But also don't sugar coat it or beat around the bush about it. Give her a kiss and a hug and say good bye, walk out the door and go on, it helps us if you stay calm and no emotion, if you have to hold your emotions in until you get in the care and pull away.

I would not put my child in daycare. Even if she "gets over it" or it is "normal" to cry when their mom leaves them, it doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do. Clearly, it bothers her, and there is always a way to make staying at home work. We are doing it on very little money, and I could not be happier about the decision, even though I left a wonderful career behind. Where are you more important: at work or with your child?

The others have given good suggestions...and I just want to add that at age 2 kids are more worried that parents won't come back to pick them up. I would say reassure her that at the end of the day you will do something together, whether it is a game she loves to play..or just sit and watch a movie together.

A 2 1/2 year old started in my care and it took over a month before he settled down. He had never been left in a stranger's care. He cried almost all day for the first week, then he kept asking where is mom and dad are. I reassured him that they went to work and they will be back. The 10 hours you usually are gone during a normal work day (takes in account for traveling time) is a long time for a 2 year old.

You might want to send a picture of you and her with her to put in her bag or something she can give you a kiss if the sitter says she gets a little worried. I would also keep goodbyes short, as mentioned by others. Get your daughter settled and then leave...make sure you say goodbye too and not disappear. Everytime I left my daughter somewhere I would talk to her about it before and on the way and tell her stuff she would get to do (maybe you can talk to the sitter when you pick her up about the next day's plans so you can tell what to expect!) I actually like it when the parents of the kids in my care don't just rush off with their kid right away, but spend a little time talking with them there about their day...it seems to help transition them better. (Talk to your sitter and see if that would be ok to spend 10-15 minutes with her in the evening and have your daughter show you what she did that day).

Wow... I havent ever been through this but my mom used to tell me about the time when she had me at a sitters when I was a babe and I did the same thing... she wasnt ever sure, but she thinks that they were kind of abusive and it was a man an dher boyfriend and they would yell at each other while I was there... they also made me sit on the potty for long periods of time... try your hardest to make sure that nothing like that is going on... and it is JUST the dog that is scaring her... it is hard when they are that little and cant express in words everything that is going on... but just try to talk to her about it... good luck!

I have to be honest here. I've NEVER understood why people get so worried and feel so bad about this. Crying is a NORMAL part of child development. They are not nearly as upset as they look like they are. They LOVE to be the center of attention and especially MOM's attention. Often times they will cry like that when being left with grandparents and close family friends and sometimes even their own dad. It does pass if mom handles the situation correctly. The more you linger the longer it will go on. If you talk about it endlessly with the child and god forbid keep them home because of it, then it's over. They will know their carrying on is getting to you and it could take MONTHS for them to get over it.

I believe kids pick up on the parents anxiety too. It's honestly better to make light of it. Give them a firm kiss and hug and tell them you love them and will see them later. Then FORGET about it during the day. I honestly don't recommend checking in because you will get a call if something is terribly wrong.

I had a child once that carried on and wailed for 30-40 minutes every morning. I was about to let her go from my daycare when I had a discussion about it with the mom. She told me not to worry that the girl did this for 10 months straight at the last place. I decided then and there it was over and it wasn't happening. I told the little girl that the next time she cried and carried on I was putting her in time out for it. She was almost 3 so she could reason this out. The next day she did this and I laid her down on the couch and ignored her completely. She stopped crying in pretty short order and asked if she could get up. I made her sit quiet for awhile. When I let her get up it was over forever. She never again carried on in the a.m..

This is not to say that there aren't other factors at play here. This child was scared by the dog and kids don't forgive that sort of thing easily. I've seen kids have a bad experience with one of the other kids in care in the first day or two and they never got over it until the parent had to find new care. I've been the provider on the receiving end of kids that had to leave other care because it was started on a bad footing. 2 years is a hard age. There are many factors here to consider. I'd give it a couple of weeks and see what happens. This is assuming you feel ABSOLUTELY good about the situation. I find that my first instinct is usually correct. Did you have any doubts at all that you pushed down during the interview?

Suzi

M., do you have to go back to work? It is not easy to stay at home with kiddos, and I know A LOT of moms who decide to go back to work when their kids get to that same age. I say, if you can make ends meet a while longer, your only half way there. Then she will be in kindergarten. It is worth it for both of you. If you are not financially able to do this, then there are some things you can do to help your daughter feel connected to you during the day. Work on making a blanket together. You can get some photos of you, or you and her together, printed off on "iron on" paper. If you wear purfume, then spray the blanket with it. Stitch on some items that would make her feel connected to you. Let her wear a piece of your jewlry. Kiss her palms, and close her hand. Tell her those kisses are for later, and to keep them in her pocket. She misses you, and she is going to miss you. She is a two year old person. She has the same feelings and emotions you do. So find special unique ways for the two of you to stay connected. Reassure her that her feelings matter, and dont punish her for them. Yet at the same time teach her that sometimes we have to do what we have to do. Let her know that you will miss her too, and try to call her at some point during the day just to let her know that you are thinking of her too. Just because you have to go to work does not mean that you have to break that connection between the two of you.

Give it a couple of weeks, she might be picking up on some of your anxiety, but if she is still reacting the same way, maybe this sitter isnt a good match. I have taken my daughter to a sitter since she was 6 months old, she's 2 now and today is her last day with that sitter because this last week she has begun crying and telling me she doesnt want to go there, having accidents (she is potty trained)and refusing to eat.
So obviously time for a change. I have to work so unfortunately
I have to find a babysitter I can trust again. Good Luck. M.

Hey M.,
I am kind of like you. I hate having my child in daycare. It breaks my heart knowing that they are being watched by someone else for 60% of the time. I have an 8 month old and everytime I drop him off I am the one that feels like crying. It's so sad that I only get to spend a couple of hours a day with him while the daycare workers get to see him 9 hours a day! Thats why I decided to make a change. I am working home right now PT and very soon I will be doing it FT. Its awesome to know that in a couple of months I will be able to stay home with my child once I replace my income and be able to witness all of his precious moments. Plus I absolutely love what I do. If you are ever interested in working at home visit my site at www.TheBestDecisionEver.com. Good luck M. with your daughter:0)

Hi M.,

When me and my family were living in Chicago I had to drop my son and daughter off at daycare. My son is 3 and my daughter is 5. When I would drop off my son at daycare he would cry and scream. He would cry in the morning saying he didn't want to leave me. It was hard for me to hear him crying and screaming but it is an adjustment period. It took my son about a month before he adjusted. Then he didn't want to stay home he wanted to go to daycare. I would keep on taking her even though it breaks your heart but it will be ok. Just keeping calling a check up on her and eventually she will come around.. Hope this helps..

C.

Dear Mia's Mom,
All I can do is tell you about my experience. When my daughter was three, we put her in a local day care so she would learn to socialize with children her age. She was so excited, we were very blessed that the only time she cried was when we came to take her home and she had to quit playing with her new friends. Then, we moved to a new area, and once again I put her in day care for two days a week. She hated it, she always cried when I took her, and was more than ready to go home when I came to get her. As soon as she got in the car she would always say, Mom, I don't want to go back there. I was blessed with the fact that I did not have to have her in day care. So, we kept her home. She is now a well adjusted 4th grader with lots of friends and is an A honor roll student (my view of proof positive that Preschool is not a neccessity because she was only 3 when she went to the 1st day care for 6 months). I agree with all the mothers who say, "Trust Your Instincts," In the end you are the best expert on your child and what they need.

You should definately follow your instincts if you think that your child is in harm's way, (and I wouldn't feel comfortable with my child around a large animal that is not familiar with her either--sounds like your provider is sensitive to that though if she is willing to keep the animal gated) but the behavior she is showing is normal. Anytime there is a big change like that for a small child they are going to express it in some way. It can take a few months for a child to adjust to being in a new environment like that--it doesn't mean that your provider is doing anything wrong. If she hasn't been separated from you before, this is a huge adjustment for her. Even though it breaks your heart to hear her cry, it is completely normal, and the longer you drag on the goodbye makes it worse on her. I am a provider myself and I have one child that cries on the way in, but then cries on the way out because they don't want to leave! Every child is different, and you are not doing anything wrong.

I think it is normal for her to cry some I know when my oldest started to daycare she was 2yrs and cried for 3 weeks, she even cried so much she lost her voice but I knew she was in a good safe place. I hope it gets easier but it will take time.

We haven't done daycare, but we do the nursery on Sunday mornings at church. Our daughter who is 2 1/2 years old HATED the nursery for the first 6 Sundays. I mean she'd scream and cry and it was awful to watch and hear. My heart would ache. Then, one Sunday morning it was like she never had a problem. She said Bye Bye Mommy and never shed a tear.

My suggestion for daycare would be leaving her for very small amounts of time at first and then gradually increasing to a full day. Maybe do 1 or 1.5 hours first then come pick her up. A couple of days later stretch it to 3 hours...and so on.
Best of luck. Mia will become adjusted in time.