Fear of Caregiver.

I have been through this and my two older kids were being mistreated. After that experience I do listen to my instincts, and do NOT take chances.

I agree with Anne A's comments. This is super common. One thought is to maybe have your in-laws plan a special activity for when you leave. Something that might distract her, like, "I'm going to bake chocolate chip cookies ... do you like chocolate chip cookies? Could you be my helper?" Or perhaps a Color Wonder art set or new DVD. Some sort of activity with the "wow" factor might help to distract her.

I am going to be the dissenting voice and say that it is likely developmentally normal. This is an age when 1) separation becomes an issue and 2) children can become very sensitive to schedules and routines.

If she spends more time with your mom, it wouldn't be surprising if she were more attached to her.

In regard to the schedule, does she stay consecutive days with each of them...or does it trade off (like MWF, and TTH)? If it changes every day, it can be disruptive. I found at this age that I needed to start preparing my daughter for what was happening--having a conversation the night before about where she will go the next day may do the trick. I travel for work and had to get some new strategies around this age to avoid torturing her and her caregivers. Have a quick, loving goodbye. Reassure your child that you will return ...and be HAPPY to see your child at the end of the day (it irks me to no end the parents that walk in to my daughter's daycare on cell phones and drag their kid out without a single word).

Being a licensed daycare doesn't preclude any sort of criminal behavior nor does it guarantee a healthy, stimulating environment.

All that being said, you have to make the decision that you can live with. If you aren't comfortable with them for other reasons, then it is certainly a reason to re-think the situation.

P.S. I have a kid that will cry until she pukes, too. Cry it out never worked for us.

I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with the two previous posters. Kids cry when their parent's leave, it's totally normal--even if it is with a family member. Unless you have reason to believe there is something else more sinister going on here, I would just say your little girl is going through some separation anxiety--kids can go through this many times. Are you sticking around long enough to see your little one get so upset that she pukes--or is this what your in-laws tell you happens after you leave? If it is the former, you 100% need to go with a quicker drop off. A kiss, love you, and then walk out the door. If you trust your inlaws to watch your daughter (and you obviously do since they are providing care for her) than they can console her. Most kids just need a hug and some redirection of their attention. No need to draw out the fact that mom is gone. She may even need a couple minutes to just sit by herself until she can get herself under control. 21 months is young, but trust me not too young to protest mom leaving her and going to work. Trust that kids across the country are doing this every morning at various daycare centers. Help your in-laws learn to effectively deal with this, but letting them know it is okay if she cries, but they don't need to feed her frenzy. Acknowledge that she is upset, reassure her you will be back, and then go on about the day. As soon as she realizes that you are going to leave, and not going to stay even if she protests, she will slowly stop. The quick drop-off is key to less drama. There may be days even a year from now that she will cry when you leave, but you are her mom and its normal. I suspect that maybe the inlaws might not be as good as dealing with this, but that doesn't mean you can't help them to learn some new techniques. Just because they aren't a licensed provider doesn't make them bad caregivers--these people must have raised your hubby right? Because a child cries when they are dropped off doesn't mean she is being mistreated and that you should just quit your job and stay home with her. If that was the case--noone would work! Best of luck.

Trust your motherly instincts. There is always a cause to a child's reaction. At this age their communication skills are still limited and they act out on pure emotion. You are smart to ask why is my child ok at one grandparent's house but not the other. It's not just separation anxiety since she seems to be fine with your mother. Ask your mom about her behavior after you leave. Is she fine? Is there a brief moment of sadness? Does she do anything special to make your daughter feel better and maybe you can give your in-laws a tip for comforting her. If your daughter is generally ok with your leaving her at your mother's, then keep an eye on your in-laws. I'm not suggesting anything other than to be very observant and question why does your daughter not feel safe there. Maybe you should spend more time at your in-laws with her (when your not working). Best of luck.

I think you need to ask yourself how often you spend at your in-laws when it isn't a dropping her off to go to work situation. I know that when it comes to your parents you may be more relaxed with going there, talking to them on the phone, and basically sharing stories of your daughter which creates a relaxation that she can feel. She may be sensitive to your feelings on the matter and you may be more apprehensive not having been brought up by the in-laws. Plus she knows you are leaving. Your mother may just be better at making the time you are gone go faster - especially since much of your parenting style you learned from her. If you spend more time at the in-laws you can observe to see if maybe she is just allowed to play by herself vs. being interacted with and then you can work with your in-laws to fix it. Encouraging them by going to the craft store and getting things that she can't do by herself so they would have to help or getting them to teach her something they are good at like gardening. Many children at that age can get themselves so worked up that they puke so I would try spending more time at their house with her. You may find she's just scared of a dark room or a dog and it can be easily fixed. On the other hand you may see some indications that make you want to have some carefully worded conversations with your husband and change where your daughter goes. Either way you need more information so relax and keep your eyes open and you will be able to figure it out. Good Luck!

I'd avoid taking her there if possible. But becareful not to make it seem like it's because she's crying and puking because she will then learn that that's all she has to do to get her way. Just try to find daycare elsewhere. Trust your daughter. Mabye one of them raised their voices at her or eachother and it scared her. Regardless, she's too young to explain why she doesn't like it. I'd trust her.

I had something similar when my mom was our sitter. My son would get upset when we tried to leave. It got to the point that even when we went over for family functions and were staying that my son would cry as soon as we tried to get out of the car. We changed to a private daycare, and Grandma became the backup sitter. When we told my mom, she was actually relieved because it saddened her every time he cried that he didn't want to be there.

I have seen a child get so sick that they were physically sick. To me, this means one of two things. 1. your daughter is strong-willed, and has learned that if she cries hard enough she'll get sick and won't have to stay. 2. Your inlaws don't have the understanding needed to help calm your daughter before she gets physically sick.

I would talk to your husband about the option of changing sitters away from both sets of parents. This way the inlaws can't complain about favoritism.

Good luck
M.

Hi J.. I just wanted to comment on the crying until she throws up part since some of the posters seem to think that means something horrible must be going on at your in-laws. I had two boys who would get so upset they cried until they vomited, especially my younger one. We were never able to do the cry it out method for sleep for that reason. Several decades ago when I was a teenager, I also babysat for a boy who would cry until he puked when I put his pajamas on (I thought "what kind of kid cries until he throws up?" not realizing what lay ahead of me!). I also work in a church nursery where I've seen kids almost do that (obviously I get the parents before it gets to that point). Strong-willed or spirited kids will do that and it doesn't necessarily mean something horrible is going on.

However, I would continue to monitor the situation and try some of the solutions offered by other posters or even look for alternative care for your daughter. Nobody likes to see their child get so upset they throw up. I suspect your daughter is more attached to your mom, and your mom might be better at playing with her and calming her. Some older people just aren't good with babies and toddlers. Maybe you can spend time together with your daughter and your in-laws to see how they interact with her and to maybe get her more used to them. It might also alert you to any possible red flags.

If your daughter is a more strong-willed child, I highly recommend the book, "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I have two "spirited" boys. One has mellowed with age (13), but the other (10) continues to challenge me on an almost daily basis! Good luck.

J., I would suggest that you stop taking her to your in-laws. Something is wrong there and she is trying to tell you the best way possible for her age. If it were that she was doing it in both places, then I would think that it was just separation anxiety or something like that, but you mentioned that she is only doing it at your in-laws. Please, please stop taking her there and just take her with your mom. Explain to your hubby and he should understand, it's his daughter. She should come first before his parents!

Don't take her there.
Something is wrong... and she is only 21 months old so she cannot explain it all to you "why."
If the in in-laws question you.... just STICK to your guns. Tell them what is wrong. Do NOT let them convince you she is "fine."
The thing is, your in-laws are not state regulated "Daycare" providers who have to go by the law, and nor do they know child development or etc.
So, if they try to convince you other wise.... I would not let them.

A child puking and getting so upset that way... has a reason.
And, your Husband should do whatever is right, for his child. Not parents.

All the best,
Susan

DON'T LEAVE HER THERE!!!

If she is so upset is because there's something wrong there talk to them but don't leave your daughter there trust her if she is crying a lot she is trying to tell you something .

My children are also watched by my mom and IL's. I wouldn't jump the gun to say stop taking her there...although I would try hard to figure out the problem.

My kids usually enjoy going with my parents more because they play with them more. My mom also takes them shopping a lot of times during the day and buys them things they want. My IL's are great people however, a lot of the time they stick them in front of the TV and I just think they get bored a lot.

Maybe if its a case of boredom or one being more fun than the other you can send her with things to play with.

My daughter lately cries very hard when my husband leaves for work. He was convinced that our sitter was not good with her and did not pay attn to her so d did not want to be there. But I have seen the sitter interact very well with her, playing and coloring or just going for a walk around the block. Even when she has her own child with her, she still pays close attn. For several mornings she has woken up just before I leave for work and she is the same with my husband. You could try to find out how long after you are gone does she do this. Very possibly, she is fine not even 5 minutes later.

I would stop using them to watch her. There is no reason to put her through that

Talk to your boss at work and explain what is happening. Then drop over to the in-laws home unexpectly. Who knows what is going on, it may be nothing, it could be just that her paternal grandparents have different way of doing things than you do. It could also be that they are spanking her, or arguing with each other, or yelling at her, or ignoring her. Something is going on and she is reacting to it. The only way you will know is if you drop over unexpectly.

I would make arrangements for someone else to care for her at least for a little while. If she was fine up until 2 weeks ago and now is becoming very upset when you take her there, my instincts would tell me that something is wrong. I have only once seen either of my children so upset where they cried to the point of vomiting and it was when he hit his head on the corner of our coffee table. Family members are not infallible people and it's possible that your daughter may have gotten hurt or scared by something there even if they were watching her carefully. You could always try taking her back in a few weeks and see if she's more receptive to being left with your in-laws.

J.,

After reading all the responses on here, I would suggest not sending her to the Inlaws. I have an Inhome daycare where I have munchkins that do this, but its only for the first couple weeks until they get used to coming. After about 5 minutes the child normally calms down and runs off playing with the others. But if this has been going on longer then 2 weeks, I would think something was wrong. Since she is almost 2 yrs old, they sometimes act out... how does your inlaws deal with temper tantrums??? Time outs, yelling, or spanking?? Something must of scared her to the point that she will make her want to puke when you leave her there.

Hugs*

I think motherly instincts should ALWAYS win out. Being a working mom, you are obviously experienced with separation anxiety and normal crying. If you sense something out of the ordinary, I would give your child the benefit of the doubt. But, I would also tread lightly and try to use a different method of daycare while still allowing the inlaws to spend time with your daughter but only with supervision. You need to acknowledge that ANYTHING is possible and even small babies can be molested (God forbid). If there is ANY chance that this could be happening, you cannot take that chance.