Step Dad?

Give her time. She needs her space to sort things through. She might be grieving her old life also. My mom got remarried when I was 14 1/2. It's hard to describe how this feels especially when you're a teen. Just be kind, loving and supportive and give her the space that she needs. She'll come around.

She should be patient. The older a child gets the harder they are to deal with in general. This girl was 12 when the divorce happened. Old enough to understand the drastic change in her life, but still to young to know how to deal with the emotions that come with it. The others were 2, 3 and unborn so of course it's easier fro them to accept a step parent. At 16 she may be feeling like her father is being replaced and understandably she will have a problem with that. Both mom and step-dad need to give her space and let her come around at her own pace. The last thing they want to do is force her. She will end up resenting everyone involved, including her siblings for their easy transition. On the other hand if she is shown respect and given space and time then she should in turn start to realize that a step parent can be a wonderful addition to a family and not someone who is replacing her father.

My parents were divorced (Im the oldest of 5). It was awful and we are all still working it out (Im 45). My parents didnt remarry right away, but I can tell you that would have been a disaster. Give the child a break. Why should she interact with a strange man? As long as she is respectful and polite I wouldnt expect much more. If he is a good man, she will respond in her own time, if he's a jerk then she wont have much invested in him.
Please make sure she has lots of contact with her Daddy. Girls with weak Father/Daughter relationships can really get into trouble as they try to get his attenetion. Finally, pray for guidance.

M.:

The more your friend pushes her daughter to like/love her new husband. the more she will push her daughter away.

She needs to spend time ALONE with her daughter and keep the lines of communication open.

When my ex-husband and I divorced, Elayne was 9 years old. It was VERY hard on her. I remarried within 2 years of the divorce and he remarried within 3 or 4. We are BOTH better people away from each other...I know for a while - she wished we would become a family again...but now realizes it was it best the way it is.

Really - though? There is not much you can say to her. If you push too hard, you push her away from you too. Maybe you can befriend her daughter and make sure she gets "girl" time!!

Tell your friend not to push her daughter. She can't make her "be" a different way or embrace this guy. Tell her that lots of teens act this way when they DON'T have a stepdad.

In a few years when she goes off to school (and your friend should send her off), things will be better.

Dawn

My kids are 23,21, 12, and 10. I was remarried this summer though Troy has lived here for two years. The two little ones interact with Troy as children do, playing, wanting to hang around, the usual things. The older two interact with him as older kids do as well.

All four of them love him.

I think sometimes we are so wrapped up in signs of affection that we forget that teens and young adult interact with the parents differently than children do.

If the 16 year old didn't like him you would know!

What meaning has mom placed on her daughter's behavior? Does she really know what her daughter is feeling? Why does it matter so much to the mom? This is about mom's thoughts and meanings about the situation. It sounds like the daughter is being a typical 16 year old of a divorced and now blended family.

What is mom most concerned about? If mom got really aware of her thoughts concerning her daughter, the divorce, the new husband, she might be able to uncover her own anxieties, fears, concerns, and judgments that are based on her own issues and not her daughter's behaviors.

Mom could best support herself and her daughter by focusing inward rather than on her daughter. It sounds like the daughter isn't showing any unusual behaviors. And if she is then mom still needs to be aware of her own stuff so that she can keep that seperate and see her daughter more clearly.

For one thing, little kids are often more adaptable than older kids. They don't understand the depth of big life changes. They are happy if they are loved and fed and safe and taken care of.
Older kids, especially at 16, understand things more. Mom marrying someone new, moving to a new home, realizing you have no control over things that affect your life in such a major way...
Also, being 16 isn't an easy age anyway. Kids often aren't as talkative and open with their feelings at that age even without major life changes.
I think if your friend is expecting her daughter to gush about this man, she is having unreasonable expectations. I don't think she should try to force anything. I don't think she should try to read problems where there might not really be any.
She needs to give her daughter time.
It took me a while to warm up to my step dad, to get to know him and build a relationship of my own with him. He and I ultimately became extremely close and there was nothing "step" about him in my eyes. He was my dad. It didn't lessen my love for my own father. I was fortunate to have both of them. But, that was something I had to work out for myself.
You can't force these things.

That's the only advice you can really give.

Please tell her this is normal, and even with a nice big house, the 16 yr old is probably feeling a lot more internal conflict than the little guys. Further, I think that a lot of people feed in to "one big happy" and push "puree" on the family blender and all that gets you is a M.E.S.S. Not that stepfamilies can't be successful, but you have to acknowledge where each member is coming from. Just because Mom gets along great with her husband doesn't mean the kids will. She really needs to give her daughter a break and if it is her husband complaining, say the same to him. Relationships have to grow naturally.

My 21 yr old stepson and I don't have long detailed discussions. It's not our relationship. But we get along, and he has a good relationship with his dad and they talk often. It can be hard but sometimes you shouldn't sweat small things. Your friend should enforce basic respect between all parties, but recognize that they have to give each other time. Stepfamilies often need 7 or more years to really gel. If she just recently got married and got divorced when her daughter was 12...that's a lot in a short and very important time in a kid's life.

I don't know from this if the mom is more worried about her daughter in that she's being distant to her SF or if the mom is looking for validation in her choices through her child's behavior. If the mom is looking for validation in the children, she needs to ask herself why. Especially if it's not really a problem.

There's nothing she should do. Her 16 year old's response to the guy is normal. If he's a nice guy, in time the daughter should like him.

As it is, the 16 year old will be out of the house soon, and she won't likely consider him her "dad."

But how great that the other kids like him!

Short of going back in time and not getting married to this man I don't really have any advice at this point. This is why parents should not date and really should not marry if they're single. It's way too much stress and change on the kids - even if they seem to like the new person. You're right - daughter just had her whole life turned upside down. Best thing now is to give her space and allow her to not like him. She might not like him very much and there is no reason why she should have to. There are some people I don't like much and I certainly wouldn't want someone making me move in with them, follow their rules, and be all nice and friendly with them. It isn't fair.

She should do nothing-- I'd be a LOT more worried if her husband and her teenage daughter were TOO close!!!