Step-mom - Portland,OR

Put the children first.

Try not to judge others, you have no idea what it is like to walk a mile in that woman's shoes.

Be the bigger person.

Oh why are ex-wives so difficult!! My husband's ex is a classic middle-aged mean girl. The best thing you can do is put the kids first, NEVER bad-mouth her in front of them, and always stay on the high road. It'll be best for the kids and drive her crazy, too.

That said, you can always come here to Mamapedia to vent and rage. We're with you, sister!

I totally understand where you are coming from...I have to deal with a mean Ex wife too....

But with that being said, I would reconsider and go ahead and watch the girl! Any chance you get...

Karma
~I don't always sign my name on these things but since you used it first:)

I think O. of the best things you can embrace as a stepmother is to always put the good of the kids first and don't let the b.s. get in the way of that. I don't think you did that when she made her request. I think, if you can, you should take the girls...it will only help, not hurt the entire family unit with decreased costs and getting to know the girls better.
I know it's tough but I'm sure she's hating the "idea" of you--not you.
Take the high road and never stoop to her level. Go so far as to tell the girls "Your mommy has such pretty hair--it always looks so nice" or something like that--it's bound to get back to her and reduce her jealousy and her defenses.
If you're in this marriage for the long haul--the ex is part of the deal.
Good luck!

Rules for successful steparenting.

You are not mom. Dad sets the rules. This is going to be most important in the teen years so set the precedent now. You should always follow them to set the example. He should set the consequence. You should make sure they follow through. If not he is the bad guy--not you. You are the step mom.

Do not do free daycare--ever. Stick to the schedule unless your husband is there to help out. If she changes her mind about you, (in a blue moon)maybe.

Do not deal with her, talk to her on the phone, email her, etc. ever!!!! That is her husband's job. Always and forever. That way she can not be mad at you, pull fast one's on you, etc. if she does not deal with you. Stay in the car when your husband picks up the girls or stay home. Do not go in her house. That is her territory. Do not enter it. That is threatening behavior to her.

When she is mad at you she is really mad at her ex. So remove yourself. Get out of the way and let your husband to be deal with it.

I speak from experience with a vicious ex wife. She took us for a number of emotional rides that left us emotionally spent and bitter. It also was unfair to my husband's little boy. He was used as a ping-pong ball.

So these people who say live your life "with love and respect" toward this woman, would say guard yourself highly. This woman is dangerous. She can undermine your relationship with the girls and you husband for years. If you must talk to her, remember everything that can go wrong.

I am glad to hear you stuck to your guns. If you decide on a change of heart, have her pay you at least a little something for your time & the extra food the kids will be eating, up front, before you watch them. The reason she wants you to do it is so she can avoid the cost & the rules of day care. She just wants to walk all over you & put strife in your life so you & her ex will break up. Day cares have strict rules about when people can drop of & when people must pick up. If people drop off early or pick up late they must make arrangements first & pay large fees. Believing in Karma is a good thing. Her motives towards you no matter how she may try to disguise them in the future will never be good, don't let your guard down. You just stay positive. If the girls ask be truthful without being negative. If they say mommy hates you. Just say, "Yeah , I don't know why because she doesn't know me, it doesn't make sense does it ?" Let them think about if for themselves & decide. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

She can't hate you too much if she's willing to leave her child with you. Or she's posing it as a challenge thinking maybe you can't keep up with his kids. In either case, I think it's an opportunity to get to know your stepchild and you should said YES and you should have a fun couple of hours every day doing crafts or going to the park - those girls are going to love you! And his ex will come around if she sees you being good for the girls.

my husband's ex, especially earlier on in our relationship, was really difficult too. she still is, but we had one moment (the day i found out i had cancer - she called me because my husband wouldn't talk to her when they did the "switch" of my stepdaughter and she had something to tell him) where she ended up telling me that she was very jealous of me. That she didn't want another woman raising her daughter, but that she knew she had no choice and it was hard to accept. Since then our relationship has become non-existant again, but at least i got that one moment of honesty where i saw things through her eyes. Maybe your husband's ex is feeling the same way deep down, but is just choosing the wrong way to express it. It's made it a bit easier for me to let her words and actions roll off my back if i put it in that perspective.

His ex is usually very aggresive (she's a correctional officer and a bit of a tough cookie) and very much a control freak, so i can understand having someone who makes you nervous. This woman always makes me feel inadequate and nervous. Just know your not alone, the role of a step-mom can be a difficult one.

In response to your specific situation. If i were you i'd definitely watch your step-daughter. Especially if this woman is saying negative things about you, its even more important to make an effort to keep up a positive relationship with them. The more time you can spend with them to bond, the better!
I'm amazed that his ex even thought of you as an option. That at least is a good sign.

You catch more bees with honey then vinegar and that is all I have to say about that.

I am sorry you have to deal with that negativity. If you are really a believer of karma then you should go ahead and watch the girls. You really aren't helping her, you are helping the girls so they are with a family member instead of a daycare provider. By not doing it on 'principle', that puts you in a negative light as well.

Congratulations on your engagement and becoming a soon-to-be step-mom! Good luck with the ex!

Just live your life as if the things she says are not true. Love your step daughters as if they are your very own. It sounds like you've already got more of a step-up than most women in your situation, and it is so awesome to hear someone who actually likes their step kids. I've been seeing so many posts lately from step moms who sound like they hate their step kids, and it breaks my heart. I have a step daughter, but I don't consider her "step". She is just like my own. Her mom used to hate me with a passion, but I just kept my loving attitude toward both of them, and it eventually won them over. Now, we get along great!

This is the way I see it: Your step daughter's mother is likely going to be dealing with you for a very long time, and you with her, so you might as well make the best of the situation. My son's father is dating a woman who does not like me, and I wish she would give me a chance. If she marries my ex, she will be a main caregiver of my son, when he goes to their house, and I would like to be able to communicate with her on an adult level, if for nothing else than the happiness and well-being of my son. I just don't understand people who hate. Good job on being a great mom to your girls. Keep it up. You will never regret it.

K.

I would say if you are available to watch the child then watch her. If you are a firm believer in Karma as you say then you would be building up good Karma. It would also give you a change to bond with the baby. Also it would help to build bridges towards a very angry woman.

By the way I would try to meet with her, invite her to lunch. She might be immature and angry but she won't get any nicer if you are rude to her (even if you think she deserves it.)

By the way if you can find out her side of the story of what went wrong with her marriage. She might have some startling insights into your future husband.

The best thing you can do for your soon to be stepdaughters is show their mom love and respect. Regardless of how she treats you, your stepdaugters will take notice and respect you for not retaliating. And remember anything spoken bad against their mom, they will feel as if it were spoken to them. I have been a stepmom for almost 7 years. There was a time when I couldnt stand my sd's mom but now I can honestly say I love her! Its a miracle from God.
The best books that helped me SO MUCH was The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal, The Smart Stepmom by Laura Petheridge and Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt. I hope that helps!
M.

If you are going to be a step-mom for the kids, you have to think about the kids first and yourself 2nd. Your husband needs think about the kids as well. She may feel threatened by you. For the sake of the kids, if there is some way for all of you to get together and agree to co-parent, that would be great.

I speak from experience because I was lucky enough to have relatively rational parents after they divorced. Divorce sucks; I don't know what it does to the adults, but it can be awful for the kids. And if the grown-ups don't act like grownups, it's even worse. You need to be the "adult" here - I totally understand your being pissed off at her, but the statement you typed "why should I do anything to help her" sounds kinda childish. You can't go there for the sake of the whole family - that's what you're going to be a part of if you marry this man.

Good Luck!

It's interesting that there is lamenting about why ex-wives are so difficult. I have been married for 17 years, known my husband for 20. If my husband divorced me and remarried, I would be very angry. I wouldn't want to be 'replaced' especially since I bore all three of the children and they are ours not the new wife's. I would be hurt and it would probably take the rest of my life to get over it. And yes, I would make the new wife very nervous!

However, I do agree with the responses that were given before concerning putting the children first. Their lives are complicated enough without the drama.

I just think that all second wives should try to put themselves in the first wife's shoes (no matter how awful you think she is). You never know when you might be wearing them. If the husband felt that his first vows to his first wife were not forever, what in the world makes anyone believe that the second vows are anymore sacred?

I strongly agree with the sentiments of the other posts. Your relationship w/ your step-children should stand on its own merits and have nothing to do with their mother. She is a troubled and unhappy person and her hatred of you is not personal in any way, except for the fact that you are marrying her ex-husband. She would likely treat anyone in that position the same way that she is treating you.
Having a good rela. w/ stepkids is sometimes really difficult. If your fiance's children are open to being close with you, you should do everything you can to foster those relationships. Try to not even waste time thinking about their mother, it won't get you anywhere.
S. N. MA

UGH!

Her poor children. Take care of them. That's what my mother's heart says. Tell yourself and your fiance you are doing this for the child not the mother. As long as you all know the score, that will be enough.

After all, you say you "want nothing but good things for them" and to me, YOU are what sounds good for them.

Don't do it. She will only find more wrong with you and make it harder on you. Do not put yourself in that position. Good luck!

Karma is great, but what is wrong with the Golden Rule? Despite the ex tells you that your childish, maybe she needed you to step up and be the adult for the two of you and offer to help her with childcare. Maybe your husband ex hates you because she is jealous of you and you are able to make things work with him where she couldn't. Instead of dwelling on someone hating you so much, maybe you should just try being civil with her or just be nice to you her. It goes a long way than the later which will bring you down.

Just keep a good, caring, not too intrusive relationship with your step daughters and dont worry about the ex. She wants to sit on the pity pot. If she gets remarried she probably won't be such a shrew. You were within your rights to deny babysitting for her, good job for sticking up for yourself like that. The proof is in the pudding, if the girls enjoy you there wont be anything she can say to convince them otherwise.

Have a talk w/ her (you and your fiance together if necessary). Tell her that you are more than happy to watch the girls; however, she will need to refrain for negativity/name calling. You have to put the girls first.

Hi A.,

Hope you are enjoying yet another rainy morning! (I'm on the East Side...)

After reading your post, my husband and I had an interesting conversation about karma. There is a popular idea that karma is about doing nice things so others will treat one well, and that those who put out negative energy generally tend to find it coming back to them as well. While this is part of the picture, what we feel is even more pertinent is the idea that, to give ourselves good karma, we must make decisions with wisdom and thoughtfulness and do this compassionately, and we must make decisions which take care of our selves and our families first and foremost.

I say all this in regard to your dilemma in helping your fiance's ex. As a mother, I can tell you I would never want to place my child in the care of someone I held such a low opinion of or disliked, period. Finding care for my child means finding people I trust with my own life, if need be, and finding people I am confident will be positive role models for my son. As a childcare provider, I refuse to work for families who don't respect and trust me implicitly, because I don't invite trouble into my life. (I just posted a blog on these folks, whom I call "High Needs Parents". ) Why on earth would someone want to leave their child with a person they have a low opinion of?

I think, if it were me and the question came up again, I'd just answer with "For right now, in our relationship (yours and hers), I think it would be best for you to find your own childcare for your daughter. Later on down the line, when we know each other better, we can see if it would work for both of us." This sort of statement is honest without blaming her for anything (which might further incense her) and shows that you are open to the idea and also need to take care of yourself right now.

If you do end up providing care for her at some point, have everything on paper, in writing, and agreed to. You would need to have some big discussions regarding discipline, routines, care (acceptable foods, tv...in short, all the things people get upset with other family members about!) and come to some amiable agreements. She may not be ready to engage in this way with you. At this point, however, any discrepancies perceived on her part can be used to damage your repuation at worst, or at best, result in a lot of hell and headaches. She sounds extremely immature and not yet ready to engage with you in the positive and respectful way that parents and caregivers mutually need from each other.

I personally feel that you are making a smart decision to pass on providing care for now. It is all too easy for a parent to manipulate a situation and cause a lot of trouble/damage for others. And if we are talking karma, is it good karma to invite someone else's negative energy into your lives? Methinks not.

Lastly, if your fiance doesn't have a custodial order already in place, he should go to court and get one set up. I noticed some speculation that you might ruin his chances of seeing the kids if you refused. I don't think this is a good reason to do something you don't want to do, but a great reason to make sure your legal ducks are in a row.

Best to you,
H. Wheeler
skyteahouse.blogspot.com

While I don't really blame you for saying no, you should keep in mind that its not you personally that she hates... its the threat you pose. Not only are you with her ex, who she probly harbors either jealous or irritable feelings towards (and probably doesn't want to see happy!)... you're also about to be a mom to her children. She is going to find every reason to not like you... your hair is the wrong color, you spell your name a different way than she would, etc. etc.
I say you smother her with kindness... let her find out who you really are. Don't try to parent her kids, or be the go between for her and your fiance... stay out of that and be everyones friend. Let her know that you're happy to be friends and do not want to be in the middle of anyone, and definately do not want to take her place as a mom... play on her relationship with her kids, "The kids love you and have a great bond with you and I would never want interfere with that." She just needs some security. I know its hard to want to help such an "ugly" being, but if none of us ever stepped up to be the bigger person... no kid in a step parent situtation would ever be happy.

How much can she really hate "you" if she trusts you enough to watch her daughter? It doesn't sound like it's you she hates.....just the idea of you being with her ex-husband.
If you can watch your SD why wouldn't you? Just to be spiteful of her Mother? That doesn't sound like good karma.......
If you do watch your SD just set some strict ground rules first. Drop off time, p/u time, nap time, etc. that way she can't turn things around and start blaming you for things.
Look at it as an opportunity to bond with your SD!! If your SD's love you and you guys have a great relationship she will find it harder and harder to hate you. She's angry and jealous and will hopefully get over it soon!
BTW...I too am a step-mom, but am fortunate to have a good relationship with my SD's Mother but it took some time and effort.
Good luck ~ and remember those girls are the # 1 priority and should be for all the parents involved!

She's jealous. Ignore her, and take care of the kids. It will only further your good relationship with them, and that's what's important.

I haven't been in your situation, but I grew up as a child having a step-mom. It's going to be a hard road. The ex-wife may always resent you for marrying her ex. Unfortunately I don't think that talking to her will make her act better. I'd recommend that you have your fiance talk to her. For the sake of the children its really important that everyone in the situation be respectful of each other. Children will pick up on the negativity and it will effect the relationships they create with their father,mother, and step-mom. He needs to let her know that her behavior needs to change for the sake of their kids.

Chances are that because you are with her ex she'll always resent you but she shouldn't be rude to you. You are right for not watching the children. But atleast she trusts you with her kids. That should say a little something. Until things starts changing with her behavior I wouldn't watch the kids so that she saves money. It's wonderful that you are trying to be a good mother to the children. Not all step-parents step up the plate. Mine didn't. She made my life miserable. Hang in there. Hopefully with time she'll mellow. If not, but don't be around her. If she drops off the kids go for a walk before she comes. You don't need to be subjected to her rudeness. Good luck. I feel for you.

A., [chuckle, chuckle] she says you are immature and says you are ugly, does she do this all in the same breath?

I will usually do a lot for people, give them things when they need it, help them if they need it, etc, but lately I have felt a bit run down with people who are mean to me. I usually could care less that people are mean and just say oh well, and overlook their behavior, but I am beginning to rethink some of these things.

So you have to weigh your odds here. You are going to be the stepmom and the kids will be a part of your life. She is mean to you and openly expresses her dislike for you. She is going to feel that way no matter what, until she is able to get over her issues. The best thing for the kids would be that everyone just get along and they can go to either parent before being watched by a stranger. I guess in this situation, I would tell your husband to tell her to give you a call and she can ask you. I know you don't like confrontation, but you are going to have to deal with her eventually. If there is a problem, it should be resolved and I would tell her exactly what I tell people who are mean to me and then ask me for help...I don't mind but, however....and let her know, the name calling is unacceptable. She can take it or leave it.

Best wishes.

Can't believe that she had the nerve to ask for your help!!!