Step-Mothering

My daughter has/had this same problem. She has been married for 4 years and, although it's getting better, she still doesn't feel "motherly love" toward her step-daughters. Why? I believe it's all about bonding -- or the lack thereof. When my daughter married her husband, his girls were 9 and 6. When a "mother" has not bonded with a child from infancy, it is difficult, if not impossible, to have those maternal feelings. She tries to act like she does, but in reality, she doesn't. She went into the marriage with 3 of her own. Hubby's are difficult, undisciplined, hyper. It has taken years and many arguements, but she has finally convinced him (I think) that HIS children are HIS to discipline since she never seems to "do it right." Good luck to you!

If they are trying to put a "wedge" in between you - that is somewhat normal. YOU have to be the adult.

You may never love them. FAKE IT, big time.

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Do the kids live with you? Is their mother around? If so, then you don't need to be a mother to them. They already have one. Just try to do things with them. Make their visit with ya'll interesting. Make sure to respect them. It is good that they are crazy about you...trust me, you would hate it if it was the other way around. Do you feel like they put a wedge between you and your husband because he wants to spend time with them or are they actually doing something to cause distress in your marriage? Please understand that this is a hard situation on them also.

Wow, I am in the exact same situation! My husband has two daughters and we have been married for 2 1/2 years. The oldest girl who is 12 years old is the worse. There mother does not discipline them like she should. She is always trying to tell her mother things I say. She is a trouble maker and frankly I can not stand her.

I'm a stepmom and I've found that there's no "one solution fits all" for any problem because all blended families are different.

I have found that the issue usually lies with the father, not the kids. Perhaps your husband is trying too hard to "make everyone happy?" Kids are just KIDS, no matter what age they are. It's up to the parents and you to be the "adults" so if they are causing problems and the problems persist, it's because the ADULTS aren't handling it.

Don't feel like you have to feel motherly love toward your stepchildren. They aren't yours, you really only barely know them, and they have a mother and a father already. In reality, kids are a creation between two adults, and when those adults separate, their creation remains...and they have to keep creating on it. So to that extent it's hard for stepparents! Because you're faced everyday with a living, breathing creation from someone else that you really have no part of. So don't feel you have to love them like crazy automatically!

It's up to you to create your relationship with them...and it can be anything you want. Some stepparents are more like a parent, others are more like a friend. There's no rule that says you have to be one or the other! Just get to know them, and try to be their friend. Leave the care and the decisions to Dad. Your role might change as your circumstances and life changes. Just let things flow naturally. Good luck!

Sometimes it takes forever. and to really be honest you may never get that feeling. But the best advice i can give is always try to maintain a respect level between you and the kids. Because it's VERY important even in our everyday lives. It took me to get in my twenties to get that love, admiration and RESPECT for my step father and he had been around me since i was six, i wish that I had felt these things before then because I GAVE HIM HELL!!! But as i got older I realized all he did for me and how much of my BS ( and I knew how to dish it out good) he put up with out of love for my mother. So try to keep at it and hopefully things will come together for you if not just try to make the best of the situation that you can. I wish you luck!

I totally agree with dawn. my step kids did this too. they will accept you in thier own time. either you are interfering which some kids believe about the step or they are just trying to get their way or both. kinda depends on the age of the kids as to which it is. littler kids 10 an down you are interfering with their plot to get mommy and daddy back together. older kids over 10 are just trying to get thier way by plotting you against each other. hang in there I went through the same with my stepsons

Am I the only one here that thinks you should love the children of your soon-to-be spouse before getting married ? I even feel love towards my friends children, my husbands nieces and nephews. etc... Children need to feel loved even from a step parent because they have been through enough with the loss of their parents marriage. If you weren't ready to feel love towards these children then you shouldn't have married a man with children that is not fair to them. All I can suggest at this point (like someone else suggested) fake it. Be loving towards them, give them attention, and most of all spend time with them they don't need to feel rejection in their lives.

I read somewhere that when step parenting one of the rules is don't expect love. Love from a step parent to a child (or vice verse) should not be expected, 'EVER', but that a level of love can show up later in life.
If you have strong maternal/motherly instincts toward children (no matter who's children they are) then that feeling of wanting to smother your step children in love can be irritating when your step children are not returning that level of love you are trying to show them.
My best advice is step back. (I know, easier said than done). Think about this, where is their biological mother? Is your husband divorced from the children's mother or did the children's mother pass away?
If your husband divorced the children's mother then does she have visitation rights and how often is she involved in her children's lives?
If the mother of your step children passed away then how long has it been since her death? How old were the children when the death occured (were they old enough to remember her and what happened)?
Stepping back from wanting to show, "Motherly Love", grants you several advantages. One it helps to destress you. Its obvious you and your step children already have a level of respect (and a level of relationship). What I mean is, the children like you (or you would not have married your now husband). A level of love will come eventually even though that level may never be, 'motherly love'. If you love the children, let them know (those three words are powerful). If you like the children let them know that too!
Stepping back also allows for the level of respect to grow. To me, respect is the foundation of a friendship and without the friendship there is no relationship. (As I tell my kids, "You can not have a relationship without friendship). If the children need you, they will go to you. If they want you, they will go to you. Be there for them (and let them know that by telling them, for example; tell them, "If you need me, I'm here"). Remember, you're not taking over for their mother, you are taking the place of a missing mother. You are also not becoming their mother, you are becoming their mentor.
If you wish to talk more please send me a private message.

It took me a while to warm up to my steps, too. Don't think you are the only one. It's hard to separate the feelings about the biomom, the skids, the separate households, the whole "you don't have any say in your home because you're not the parent" issues. My rel'p with my skids was contentious because the rel'p with the biomom was contentious because the divorce was contentious. It's a pattern. And it's HARD to break that pattern. And when stuff happens in your home and you don't really have the authority to say anytihng about it because you're not the parent, well. It's understandable.

You aren't exepcting too much. I think your husband is. It's not like you are the replacement mom. You're not. You're the woman he fell in love with and married. You're not the mother of his children. Those are two separate women. And he may not recognize that in his thought process. He also may not recognize that insta-family doesn't happen like that. As long as your husband sides with you and not the skids, you will always be a team. If he starts to side with the skids, then you're being bullied up on and it needs to be addressed.

Just like you can't make someone love you, you can't force love on someone else. The skids may be crazy about you but that's probably because you aren't the parent. Love comes with time. And maybe two years is enough time in his mind, but he has to understand you move at your own pace and forcing you to have feelings that you don't have isn't fair to you or your marriage. Have you tried to find a counselor to talk about blended families? It's a difficult road being a stepparent. Sometimes rewarding as all get out and other times Hell would be a happier place than your home. Take deep breaths and remember this is your marriage, too.

Hi S.:

Oh how I feel for you. I understand being in your situation. Love doesn't just happen, especially when there are so many other situations getting in the way...

Please forgive me for saying this, but, your husband is only seeing what he really wants, and that is he just wants everyone to be happy and loving.

The children; of course they are coming between you and your husband. That is their daddy and I am sure they must miss him very much. I'll bet they think that YOU are getting in their way, too!:0)

With all that being said, this is what seemed to work for me. It sounds like my situation was a bit different, though, because my former love had only one child. I made 'special' time for only me and the child. She and I talked about what we thought would be fun to do and it was OUR thing. We signed her up for dance classes once a week. I picked her up from her mom's house, we went to dinner, then dance class. Maybe on a really nice evening, we would stop for ice cream after. What goes along with dance class? Dance clothes! All of this made for opportunities for us to talk, which made us closer. I learned what was going on at school, her teachers names, friends names (the ones that were the most important to her), her favorite colors, I learned all about her mom's side of the family, etc. Remember, this is long term.

After all this regularly scheduled time together, just the two of us, I knew her better than her dad! It gave us lots and lots to talk about.

Do the children have their own space at your home? I made Paige her own bedroom at our home, which came with her own toys and clothes. She had her very own space to go to when she needed her space. It made her feel like I really did care about her, because I took the time to really make it all about her. I went a little over board; I found a comforter in her favorite colors, then painted each wall in her bedroom one of those colors (4 in all). Can you imagine her surprise when she saw her bedroom for the first time?

How about getting a 'family' pet that everyone picks out together? Having one common interest can help.

Do you make a big deal out of the holidays for the kids? Meaning, do you make sure to do things for them that their own mom does? Easter baskets at Easter? Stockings at Christmas? In other words, do you think of them as you would your own children?

Do you know what each child's favorite food is? Do you make an attempt to make a dish for each child?

As they see it, you took their dad away from them. That's just the way kids think. You have him and they don't. They WANT you to love them, too. They just want to feel like they belong at daddy's house. Not like they are just visitors. They NEED to feel that they are part of your family, not just part-timers.

Speaking of which, do the children know your family? Do they see them on a regular basis? Are they feeling like they are fitting in there? There are no exclusions or separations when it comes to step-children. Not allowed.;0)

I'm sorry this is so long. It's just that I've been there. Both with being the step-mom and having a step-mom who basically rejected me is so many blatant ways. I know how it feels to not belong with my own dad. I also know how much fun you can make it to draw your step-children closer.

Who knows? Maybe you and your step-daughter have a common love of books or shopping. Maybe you and your step-son love to play catch or walk the dog, or play Lego's????

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. It will all happen in time. Have fun with your new family. You will get there.

Maybe never. I don't feel motherly at all towards my step-daughter (married 3 years, together 5) especially since we now have our son and I have that feeling to compare it to. I do however treat her nicely and make sure she is well taken care of to the best of my ability (she doesn't live with us).
My own step-mother of the last 21 years doesn't love me like she does her own child either and I'm not sure that she feels 'motherly' towards me. But she's always been (mostly) nice to me and man did I ever gain A LOT of respect for her when I became a step-mother myself. We've always gotten along, at least since I've been an adult, but it's been especially nice to have her around since I became a step-mom too. I know when I was growing up my mother thought my step-mother could have been somehow more 'motherly' but I always felt like the parents I had were enough and she was like a very close family friend. There were things I could go to her with because, as someone who was not my parent and emotionally removed from the situation, she was more likely to give good advice instead of a knee jerk emotional response. Believe me, there was a lot of friction when I was growing up, what family doesn't have friction? My poor step-mom got to help raise an unruly teen without the benefit of overwhelming parental love. (And they probably are trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband, that seems to be what kids do, biological or no, it's just a little easier when one of the parents involved is a step parent.)
So bottom line is - MY step-mother didn't love me like I was her own and that was fine. She did the best she could and we get along very well now that I no longer live at home (which is true of my biological parents as well).

I am a Mom of three children: 2 by choice (from my husbands 1st marriage a girl now 20 and a boy now 19) and one by birth (girl 6yrs old). Let me start by saying we NEVER use the word "step" in our household. To quote my Son(by choice) "A step is something you put your feet on and you just don't put your feet on people. It's not nice."

With that being said... when you married your husband you got a package deal and you should have come to terms with THAT before you got married. If you could not see yourself feeling that way then you should have walked away and made room for a woman that could. Sorry but that is just the way it is.

We won custody of my two oldest from their mother when they were around 7 and 8 years old. NO ONE would ever be able to tell they were not my birth children from looking at the way we interact with each other. They have call me Mom and their birth mother Mommy. My daughter even though we are going through a rough spot right now recently sent me an email from over seas thanking me for being her Mom and teaching her how to love. (yes I cried like a baby and still do every time I re-read that email.)

The point I am trying to make is this. Kids do not choose to be born. THESE kids did not choose YOU any more than you chose THEM. They have been through a lot already without having to worry about if they are going to live the real life Cinderella story with a "Step-mother" that doesn't love them (oh i hate that word!) They have watched their parents divorce, and then their Dad marry someone that is NOT their birth mother. All you did was marry their Dad. Sorry but I just don't sympathize with you. You knew what you were getting into when you said "I do". When you marry someone with kids it is a whole new ballgame and not everyone is cut out to play.

One more thing... I didn't just marry a man kids. I was also a child of divorce. However I was lucky that my mother married a man that treated me like his own child and NEVER made me feel like any less. Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky with my Dad's choice. He and I didn't talk for almost 15 years because of his now ex-wife.

If after two years you haven't found a comfortable way to co-exist with your step-children you may want to try counseling. I have been a step-mother for 6 years and no i have not loved every moment of it but i make it my daily goal to blend us all together and to erase any separation lines. To be a family is to be accepting. You married your husband knowing the role you must take on to his children. Seek help in the form of prayer and guidance thru counseling.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your husbands kids are and should come first to him. Not having children of your own can make this hard to understand, but you are the adult and the one who is "able" to make this love transition. You should begin taking them on dates, not together, but just one-on-one. This will allow you to see them for who they really are while creating a relationship that is worthy of your love. If not, that wedge will never go away, and as his children grow, they will notice and feel how you truly feel about them, and in-turn may begin to resent there dad for marring you and choose to not be around him or you. Remember, you married all three of them – not just him.

I say this all from a child’s perspective. My father remarried the most wonderful woman, whom my mother and I both adore. I inherited her, a step-brother, step-sister and in turn 5 fantastic nieces and nephews that I never would have known or loved with out her. My mother though, remarried someone with out children and who was very rough around the edges. It took the us several years to warm to one another. I love him now, but I can tell you that it has been a long twelve years learning how to do so. During which I saw my mom very little, and because of that do not have the mother/daughter relationship that I wish I had.

Married for almost 15 years. My step kids are 20 & 23 (and still live with us). I still haven't developed "motherly" love towards them. But I will defend and protect them. I've never said "I love you" or hugged them. I know it's all me, it's just how I feel. I feel motherly towards my deceased best friend's son. Maybe it was because I was around him when he was a baby? I don't know....

You mention in your info that the children are 11 & 14, so I am assuming those are the kids you are talking about. Don't all 11 & 14 year olds try to cause friction in the home?

I saw on Dr. Phil it takes a blended family 7 years to fully transition. You could probably google that and find out why it's "7" years or more about it anyway!

I think you have already received some great advice. I have recently had the great pleasure/honor of having my ex/deceased husband's first son come into my life. I tried desperately years ago when his mom died to get custody - I loved him then, sight unseen, and I love/adore him now.... I never gave it much thought about 'his' or 'ours' - kids need love and adult parenting..... you married a man with kids, they are part of him and always will be - make a place in that for yourself and you will be well pleased....my thougths are with you...

I'm a newly wed and have only been with my husband a year and a half but I adore my step-daughters. So really I guess it's different for everyone. But childern don't think in terms "putting a wedge" between people, they probably are just wanting their father's affection and attention.

I agree with some of the posts that children just need love.
I feel love for all of the children in my life not just my child. A child will never suffer from too much love, but they will suffer extremely from a lack of it.
All I can say if you don't feel you have loving feelings for them is that you probably need to serve them more. We learn to love those that we serve. When we talk about a mother bonding with her child it happens because she is feeding the child, changing their diapers, bathing them, etc. The more you selflessly serve these children the more you will grow to love them. You need to remember that you are the one putting up the wall and not allowing yourself to find room to love them. Make it a goal to serve them everyday whether they are at your house or not. Then start looking for things you admire about them, things that you could learn from them, or things that you have in common. Start talking to them about these things and over time the love will grow. Remember love doesn't grow over night, but it can't grow at all if you aren't willing to make the effort and do your part.