Step Daughter Not Speaking to Us Right Now :(

Ah, kids. When I was a kid, the farthest I could run was Grandma's house - and she told me to shape up and go home and talk to my mother. I think that your SD is probably a little jealous and is using the tools she can to react and show how angry she is - teens are horrible sometimes when they think things are "unfair". I joked that my SD and DD were in the same phase when one was a teen and the other a toddler. I was actually serious.

Have you considered her father going to the town she lives in with her mom and taking her out to dinner? Spending some one on one time with her and asking, "So, what's the deal here? I hear that you are angry, but I can't do anything if you don't speak to me." I would also encourage him to talk to his ex and ask that she encourage SD to come over as scheduled vs avoiding him when she's angry - which in the teen years can be every single day. Hopefully she is not also feeding the drama for her own benefit.

When my sks were her age, not going was not an option and schedule changes had to be approved on both sides. When they got to be 16 or so, it was more of a loose schedule. (In our case the problem was more that their mom skipped out on visits vs they didn't want to see her.)

He can say, "I understand that you were angry that we went somewhere without you. However, if you do not speak to me, I cannot discuss it with you. Would you like to be included in the future? It was not our time with you, but I can discuss the possibility of a weekend switch with your mom so you can come. I would also like you to show me that you want to be included, and that means coming over on weekends and not just spending time in your room. We can work on this, but you need to meet me in the middle."

I will warn you that around 16 kids get very black and white and will argue the sky is green and the grass is blue. Sometimes it is not worth the fight. But we did try to emphasize with them that they can hold a belief, but they should get all the facts (Dad hates me - why do you think that?)

Good luck. It's tricky when kids are just being "drama teen" (as a fellow SM puts it) but they can go hide somewhere else and "punish" you. It is not always the popular answer but "I will pick you up Friday at 6PM" is different than "do you want to come?" and sometimes they're just fine once it's laid out that they are coming for the weekend vs putting it on them. "Do you want to come?" is sometimes not a question they are ready to handle.

ETA: If he supports her being on FB (isn't 13 too young?) then he should make it a point to go on and look at just her page a few times a week. Because it's important to her. If she feels ignored when she shares something, that is a simple way to say, "Hey, I saw this. Good job." Social media is SO IMPORTANT to some kids. He should consider it an olive branch or meeting her where she wants to communicate.

Also, regarding the younger kids - My SD wanted us to hold of on DD's first Christmas til they got here. I told her and DH no because I didn't want to set the precedent of DD waiting for them and being hostage to their schedules. She's only got one household and should not perpetually wait for the stepkids to arrive. Your DH might want to also point out things SD does with her mom that the other kids do not do, so she doesn't just see it as unfair in her direction. I bet she has done a ton of things with her mom that the other kids did not get to do. The biggest thing here I think is perception and communication and if she won't communicate, he cannot change her perception of fairness.

The problem with the excuse of "needing more time with mom" is that she is with mom more already (why did he give up most of his time?) and it doesn't seem that there is a trade to make up time with Dad - and so it becomes a perpetual circle. She doesn't spend time with Dad, Dad does something without her, she gets angry, and doesn't spend time with him even more. Which is why I suggested making the schedule The Schedule and finding some time to do something one on one and try to break the freeze. It is short sighted to think that a daughter doesn't need her dad or a son his mom. It hurt SS very much that his mom didn't want to spend more time with him. Dads are important and he should make it a point to be involved in her life and not be phased out.

My only advice is that she should not have been allowed to stay home this weekend merely because she's angry. And on the flip side, when she gets angry with her mom, she shouldn't be allowed to storm off in a pout to come visit when it's not the scheduled time just because she's angry at home. She's learning nothing about conflict resolution skills with this behavior. (Maybe she's mad about FB or maybe she's made that he dad didn't actually go to her cheer competition to watch her.) A 13 year old should not be making the visitiation decisions. Perhaps your husband can call his ex and tell her that this is his parenting time and a conflict that his daughter needs to work out with him. As such, he will be picking her up at ___ time today for his parenting time.

She sounds a lot like a typical 13 year old, and typical 13 yr olds need some reeling in on occasion.

I have 2 girls that are 16 and 8. I got remarried and now have a 1 year old. Difference being they live with me. When they go to their dads, they like us to sit and wait for them to get back. They don't like us doing anything while they are gone. Also, i notice my 16 year getting jealous of the relationship my husband has with our 1 year old daughter (even though she loves her to death) and even between he and the 8 year old. So my husband has started to make an effort to spend one on one time with her. Last week they went to a movie together and she went to Home Depot with him. Maybe you husband needs to try one on one time?

The only parenting book i would recommend is "Parenting with Love and Logic".

This sounds like a mix of little-girl feelings (feeling neglected) and a teen reaction (building things into a big drama). Sounds like it's time for an "I recognize your feelings, and your feelings are legitimate, but we need to work on another way for you to express those feelings" type of talk -- on the part of her dad.

Dad should start spending the time and "liking" her pictures on Facebook, since that's what she wants. If the main reasons are what you described, it sounds like she is missing time with and attention from her dad, and now she's punishing him for it. It's not hard to spend a few minutes "liking" some pictures, and maybe making a few comments on FB.

13 is a tough age, but it sounds like dad needs to give her the attention she is craving.

It sounds to me like she's trying to assert her power on the adults in her life. I teach this age group and I see this kind of stuff all the time. Her dad and mom need to sit down with her and tell her that they love her but she is not the center of the universe. Now that she's getting older, she needs to learn how to communicate as older people do. When she stomps off and pouts or gives the silent treatment, it's hard for anyone to respect her or her feelings. Ask her how she would feel if she did something wrong at school and you guys suddenly stopped returning her messages or refusing to see her.

As cliche as it sounds, it really is the age. 13 years olds are crazy and great at the same time, but she is definitely sounding very spoiled and entitled right now (no offense to any parent here... most 13 year olds act this way from time to time). Her life is drama right now and will be for the next 3 years or so. The trick is not to allow yourself to get wrapped up in that, too.

She is a teenage girl. They are pretty moody and self absorbed. They can ignore you and siblings all day long. That is pretty normal so don't get offended. Bottom line, she will get over it. Maybe her mom, if she is a true co-parent will tell the daughter what actually happened to smooth things over. It is prefectly Ok to take trips when she is not there if she has other plans and can't go or she opts out of seeing u all that weekend.

She's feeling left out. Sure, it's mostly by her own choice, but she still feels left out.

The phone and texting won't work, although it's good that he's trying that way. She's definitely noticing. However, what she's angry about is Facebook. So maybe the way to reach out is through Facebook. Private message her there. Start small with her photos by liking her albums and some of the photos. Comment and compliment her competition photos. Pay more attention to her Facebook account as someone already mentioned.

I would also make sure to include her in ANY future trips no matter how spontaneous they are even when you don't have her scheduled to visit with you that weekend. You need to give her the choice to refuse to go, but she needs to know that her presence is wanted.

And since her competitions are so important, maybe you and her dad and her sisters could try to attend some of her competitions.

DO you live in the same area? How far away? Honestly, I kind of understand where the daughter is coming from, although she shouldn't be handeling it quite this way. (she IS the child though, so thats to be expected) I do't understand why she only sees Dad every other weekend. Can't her friends come to your house? Can you and Dad bring her to hang out with friends too? If you lived really far away, I guess I would get that, butu it sounds like you live pretty close. I really don't understand why Dad wasn't at her competition. He at the least should go to all of those. I hated when my parents didn't come to the things I was in as a kid. It was heartbreaking. :( Also, why wasn't she included in your weekend getaway trip? If you only have her rarely, why go away on the weekend that she was supposed to be with you? If you were going to go, why wasn't she with you? I don't get that at all. I guess I can really see her point. I think she just wants more time with her Dad, and maybe even you and her other sibling. It sounds like she is feeling very unimportant, and she needs to be made more of a priority, or at least made to feel like more of one. This is just my opinion. Her Mom should have said more to you or Dad. She is a kid, so she most likely won't. You don't want to let this get worse. Talk to her soon, and get this fixed. She needs her Dad, and from the sound of it you too. You havebeen in her life for a long time and are an important woman to her. She loves you both. Let her know how much she means to you all. I think that's all she needs, to know how much she means and is loved. She wants more quality time, and to feel like she is really wanted. A girl who feels abandoned by her Dad isn't something tht you want to deal with in the future. Especially when he isn't really abandoning her. Good luck! I wish you all the best! <3

This is also typical teen behavior. They eventually get bored with it and start talking again.

this makes M. sad=( i can totally see both of your points of view. I can picture being a kid and being torn between living with your mom so you can be around friends all of the time (since thats what most teens do) and also between being with dad. Also I can see being hurt when dad isnt at her competitions. By the way why isnt he and all of you (if possible, meaning work being the only excuse acceptable) at all competitions? I couldnt imagine missing something like that for my daughter? He needs to step up more with her, even if she pushes him away. I'd assume you'd want him to do that with your kids in the future if they back away from him.

He should visit her for dinner once a week atleast, afterall your kid that you have together gets so much dad time, she should atleast have one night a week J. for her. maybe sometimes J. him, or both of you , or all 3?
she shouldnt get to not come over because she's upset.
If it were my daughter and trips werent every week, meaning i wasnt rich so they were rare, i would never go on the week i didnt have her...and if it was that week I'd call and try and get her for it and let her know that I did want her to go.

i think she's being a normal teen and he needs to step up

eta
Is there any way you can live in the same area in the future? i would think that would be ideal