Step Grandmother Treating Grandchildren Differently

Yes, you are overreacting, but you're a new mom and it's hard not to. My mom has 17 grandchildren, and here's the thing--and my friends who are new grandmothers agree--the first one is special. My mom told me once that she tries never to show a difference, but that there is something extra wonderful about the first one. She said she never felt that way with her children. She tries very hard to never show it. But I've noticed that my step-dad, who we're very, very close to, loves my son (the first) to distraction, but treats his daughter's first child just a little tiny bit differently. My grandmother loved me best and I always knew it, and I was her first grandchild.

You have your personal feelings hurt because you want everyone to be as overwhelmingly in love with your child as you are, especially having waited so long to have her. Yes, the little boy is being rotten, but he's had the grandparents all to himself for a long time and doesn't want to share. That's typical. My youngest daughter loved her baby cousin, but would try to shove her off my lap if I held her because she was jealous of the attention. The four year old said exactly what he wants--he wants you to take that baby away so that he is not just the center of attention, he'll have ALL the attention. Think about how silly it is to let a four year old hurt your feelings! While I think his mother should have a talk with him about when it is appropriate to express his feelings, I don't think it's a big enough deal to allow a rift in the family. Also, if you paid lots of attention to him before you had your own baby, he's feeling sibling rivalry--he wants you to leave her home so you'll pay attention to him. My kids were preteens when my brother the "fun uncle" had his kids, and even at that age, they kinda resented that Uncle didn't come and wrestle with them or play ball with them every time they asked because he had to take care of his babies. They love their cousins, but they felt displaced in his affection.

Another thing I've noticed among parents who had a hard time getting a baby is that they are VERY protective and very quick to be afraid something bad will happen to their baby. While you don't want the kid hitting her with a stick, just move the baby or take away the stick. Take the baby out of the walker and away from the cousin. You're basically having a fight with a four year old and giving it way too much importance.

So here's the thing. Yes, grandma may love the first grandchild more, or the real grandchild more, but she seems to love your child, too, and she probably has plenty of love for both children. She may not have realized that she loved the first one more until you brought it up, or she may have known but feels bad about it (my mom does) and she's now feeling defensive because you caught her. If you love your step-mom and have had a good relationship with her before, back off and try again. Your tension makes things tense for everyone in the room. You're watching her every minute to see if your daughter is slighted. That's just not fair. She's had four years to learn to love her darling boy, and she's just getting to know her precious girl. Share the baby, pay more attention to the nephew, and give everyone some time to adjust to the new status-quo. Remember, your sister is also watching to see if the new baby takes her son's place as the favorite, and may have told her mom that she was afraid she'd love the new baby more or that her son would be upset if grandma showed too much love for the new baby. All the mommies need to remember that mothers and grandmothers have an infinite capacity to love, and then let them do it.

On the other hand, if when they're bigger grandma gives one child a cookie and tells the other she's fat, buys gifts for one on holidays and not for the other, invites one to stay a week and won't keep the other over night, etc., you have a problem. My dad's step-grandmother bought gifts for his baby brother, who was her "real" grandchild, and not for the other two children. He would run up to her in public and hug her and she'd ignore him. He tried for years to win her love, since her son loved my dad like his own child, but his grandmother never cared. When I was born, they took me to see her and she said that I was nothing to her. That was about the last contact my dad had with her. Do you see the difference? Children need all the loving people they can get. Mine have grandparents all over the place, but also dear, loving neighbors and dear loving church friends and great aunts who all act as grandparents, too. Sharing your child with others takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. God has given you a precious gift, and He will take care of her, so don't hold her so tight that you leave fingerprints and you'll have an easier time.

Well, swinging a stick and pushing her really fast sounds like typical little boy behavior, as well as the covering her mouth and saying what he said. But I do agree that he should have been told to apologize for EVERYTHING he did and said. Children need to be taught young. And you also need to point out to him that he has to be careful around the baby or he might hurt the baby. Unless he is told, he doesn't know. Next time there's a close call, take away the toy, stick or grab his hands and GENTLY explain why he doesn't need to do that. And if he tries the "Your not my mommy routine", tell him, no I'm not, but I am her mommy, and I have to protect her.

The best remedy to these types of situations is to confront the grandmother when it happens. Like now she is showing out even more, ask her why she is acting the way she is now? I have learned that sometimes you have to love family from a distance. That should make no diffrence that the little boy is 4. My son is 2 and you better believe if he was to speak to anyone like that we would say something and children are very smart these days and the grandmother needs to see that he does know what he is saying. To me it sounds like she is in denial about his behavior. I hope that your situation gets better and you don't have to resort to moving.

Have you talked to your dad about it? Hopefully, there is some truth to "he is only 4". I have a 4 year old brother and discussed some of his bad behavior around my 7 month old with some friends at work. Most of them with kids say that they hit a "bratty" stage around 4. Maybe there is a reason he is acting out whenever you're around. Maybe he gets stuff, but not the love and interaction he needs. Can you try to spend some time with him and your daughter and get him to interact in an appropriate way? Games? Ask him to draw a picture of her or for her? AND, as far as the stepmom goes, you can't force her to be the grandma of your dreams. I know what it's like to want to trade in some family members...if only it were that easy! LOL!

You are not over reacting. I have had this happen to me and so did my sister except it wasn't with a step mother it was with a REAL mother. My little sister has always been my mother's favorite although she would never admit that. My sister had 2 boys and I had 2 boys and then my sister had one. My mother treated my sister's little boy the exact same way that you said your step mother is treating your child. I hate to tell you this, but there is nothing that you can do. I talked to my mother and so did my sister but she tried to "show" for a while that she was interested in my children and my older sisters children but eventually it went right back to the way it was. These are the kinds of things that happened to us: My older sister was going on a business trip and wanted my mother to come stay with her to watch her kids and she agreed until close to time and then she canceled on her saying that my little sister needed her to watch her baby while she went to the grocery. (Stupid things like that.) It was obvious it was an excuse.
My parents had 7 boy grand children. I remarried and had a little girl. You would think that my mother would be so excited to have a girl in the family finally but when we go to see her my sisters kids are ALWAYS there... they never leave (she lives 2 doors down) and her youngest boy that is 6 throws a fit when my little girl gets attention and he acts ugly and pouts and whines and ... just a major fit, saying that everyone is kissing my little girls butt. My mother has seen my little girl 4 times and she is almost 2 and it is for 2 days at a time on the weekend. My sisters little brat stays there all the time because my sister wouldn't know how to take care of her own children because she has never had to do anything because my mother would do it all for her. So when her little boy pitches a fit, my mother drops everything and babies him and she ends up not having anything to do with her at all the entire time we are there. It really ticks me off too, just like it does you.
My mother did the same thing when the other boys were about the same age as my little sister's older boy who is 16 now. The other grandchildren are 21 to 17. The rest of the grandchildren (including my older sister's kids) don't have anything to do with her unless they are made to do so. And then my mother can't understand WHY.... well duhhh!!!! And here me and my older sister are wondering if she even has a clue. But she would spend thousands of dollars on my little sisters kids... they never went without EVER. Our kids never got 1/2 the things those kids did. And she always had an excuse the reason she was the way she was with my little sisters kids, which was rediculous and just what it was.... AN EXCUSE.

So basically what I am saying is that you cannot change your step mother. She is going to feel the way she feels and she is going to have her favorites and continue to do as she is doing regardless of what you do or say. The only one that you can change is yourself. What I did is move away and go about my business with my husband and my family and live life for us and have fun doing it. My older sister did the same way. Your step mother will regret it one of these days when your child does the same thing that my kids and my older sisters kids do now..... they could care less about their grandmother because all their life she showed them that they were not as important as my little sisters kids and all the other children have always resented and never liked those 'favorite' children. But in the end our kids are the ones that are truly happy too.
I hate it that you are going through this and I know it hurts because you love your child and you want so badly for them to love her as much as you do. I know, I have been there done that and bought that t-shirt.
But the only advice I can give you is just to go about your business as if they didn't exist and do what it takes to make your little girl happy and healthy. Being around a someone that shows favortism to another is not healthy for them. They will see that and it makes them bitter. I wish that I had just walked away when mine were younger and could have hidden it from them, but I didn't and now they all have nothing to do with them what so ever.
Again, I am really sorry that you are going through what me and my children went through. It will take some time to grow immune to all of this but eventually you will learn to be a family within yourself and you will do things within your family. One day your step mother will regret it and hopefully with a little prayer she will open her eyes and see what she is doing when you aren't coming around much.
Is your dad still alive? If he is, maybe you can talk to him also, so when you don't come around that much, he will know. And maybe he will come to visit without his wife just to see your baby.
Good luck and if you want to talk, feel free to write back.

And WHY do you want to have a relationship with this woman? Don't overreact, don't move away (unless you want to) don't call or write...just get busy making new friends who will be kind and nice and you won't have time to be abused by the relatives until you have to go to her funeral. Trust me she aint gonna change and little creep-o child could only get worse if he truly is spoiled and maybe slightly sociopathic. Sometimes we have to give up the dream about our family acting like they should, and see them for who they really are and let that just be, but not let it be our problem. My friend calls this the "dysfunctional family cafe" the place where you can't stop going, but you never get good food or have a good time. And yes, she is wrong, but you can't change that and you may never figure out why she does it. Whatever... you got better places to go.

It's hard to say whether you are over-reacting, as I'm sure there are many small incidents you couldn't mention that go along with the above. That said, perhaps you should lower your expectations from the grandma just a little. Perhaps she just doesn't want to hold babies as much and prefers them as they get a little more independant and able to do things and interact? This is not unusual. I do feel you should be able to protect your daughter and reprimand the cousin. At any age he needs to learn to be kind and respectful and 4 is not too young to start that. If you can get support with helping the 4 year old be kind and you are welcome in the grandmothers home I would give it a little time. I don't know how often you visit - but maybe schedule weekly visits when your daughter is the only grandchild there? I thinki moving away is drastic at this point.

Being a stepmother and stepgrandmother myself I can see the difference in the feelings but there should not be a difference in the treatment. I enjoy spending time with my stepgranddaughters because you know what they are still children. They are a part of my husband and I love my husband so therefore whatever is attached to him I shall love and be concerned. I also have my biological grand baby whom is 7 months and is the joy of my life. If I have all three kids together one will not know the difference becuase the love, self esteem and self worth comes from the entire family.

I feel as though before it gets to out of hand, becuase it is obvious your stepmother is not going to change the behavior you may need to move to protect your child.

I hope it all works out for you and good luck

I am really sorry to read about your problem. That same problem can happen even if there isn't any "step" involved. It happened in my family and I had to change me-with the help of God and Joyce Meyers tapes I learned that people will be mean and not even care-you'll be stewing about it and seeing the wrong and the person you're upset with doesn't care and isn't losing sleep over it. So, change your mindset-it doesn't really matter if she treats your daughter differently-your daughter doesn't know any better. Work on your personal relationship with your stepmother. She may not even like little babies-she may prefer older kids and you wouldn't know that because you have been away and this is the first time you've paid attention to your stepmom's actions. Treat her with kindness and respect and don't let anything bother you-when she says the ridiculous statement that "he is 4" just reply yep he is 4 and then ask-at what age do you start teaching kids to keep their hands to themselves? Ask in an innocent way because afterall, this is your first child...you get the idea. You can also read books and state in the book....I learned that you can teach a child how to... by doing.... Now about correcting your nephew-you have a responsibility to keep your daughter safe from him. You can tell him politely not to do something and if he does it again you will tell his mom or dad. Hey when stepmom says well he's only 4 say I know you are only 4 but it is important not to push her in her walker so fast-she doesn't like to go fast. It is important to get down to his eyelevel, say his name, make sure he is looking at you and correct him nicely and then redirect him away from what he is doing. You will be better off learning and showing love to your nephew even when he is being mean to your daughter. Also remember that kids know when they are no longer the center of attention and they do some bad stuff to the threat. Give it time and be sensitive to the nephew, but show kindness and love to everyone! Just like the old saying-you get more bees with honey than vinegar.

I'm sorry that she is acting this way but unfortunately this can happen with maternal or paternal grandparents as well. No, grandparents should not play favorites but they often do, and yes, it really hurts the child who is not treated as well. You have every right to protect your little one from their cousins.. or anyone else, including a grandparent who so obviously shows favorites.

My mother treated my oldest child extremely well (she is 21 now) and my second child.. well let's just say she wasn't nice at all to her (she is 20 now). I never kept my kids from seeing their grandmother, but the slight was very obvious and the girls just naturally over the years started to want to spend less and less time with her because of it. These days, they don't even want to speak to her, won't take phone calls, etc. which is sad, but its their choice and I support them in that choice. We never really dwelled on it and just accepted that that's the way grandma is, that it wasn't their fault, and that she is the one who lost out in the end. Although its important to have those family ties, its not so important that you have to put up with your baby being mistreated and potentially sabotage her self-esteem and confidence.

Just let your child know as she grows up that she is very loved by many people and spend more time with those who treat your children well.

Good luck to you and trust your gut instincts. You know the difference between right and wrong and so does this woman. Shame on her.

Hi, S.,
I don't see anything in your request that says whether YOU were treated differently by your stepmom. I am in the same situation. There were 5 of us growing up. 2 were hers and the other 3 were her stepkids. We were treated very differently. Not that she wasn't a loving person and I am thankful for her. But we were not the same to her. We all have children now and I can tell you it hasn't changed. My children have always been treated differently. Most of our kids are grown now and you can still see the differences. Even our kids notice. And so will your baby. I can give you tons of examples and if you would like to email me I will be happy to do that. However, let me ask you this. Is your Dad still alive and married to your stepmom. If so, you need to let this child know her Grandpa. If not, I don't believe it will change. She doesn't even see that she is doing it and if she does she will never ever admit it. We have been through this a thousand times with my stepmom. My Dad passed away last year and I still try to keep a relationship with her because I do love her. However, my children barely go see her anymore. Good luck in your decisions and if you ever just want to vent to someone who completely understands, send me an email.

if you can avoid seeing her as often, do it. tell her if she wants to see your daughter, she may come to your house, and that your nephew should not be there at the same time. if she doesn't like that, that will be her loss. my husbands mother is a complete phsyco, and we really have to limit her time with our children, and only allow her to see them out in public and with us. she doesn't like it, but she wants to see them, so she gets over it.

Well, first off, no grandma at all is better than grandma that treats your daughter differently. My children have my husband's mom (who's a raving lunatic) and then they adopted a lady at church that we all just love. Children are very resilient. The way I see it, if your daughter feels the need for a "grandma figure" in her life as she gets older she'll find one like mine did. You only mention your step-mom in your posting so I don't know if your father is still married to her or what so I don't know if you can just steer clear of her and let her be the one missing out on your daughter's life. I'm assuming since you refer to her daughter as your sister that she has been a part of your life for a long time. I would not move away immediately just because that may be what she is wanting. Stay put but steer clear would be my best suggestion.

Don't they always.Don't seem like they care how you want your child raised.They certainly have their way,don't they?This fight will go on forever! You certainly have your work cut out for you!!! You are not OVERREACTING! Maybe you need that space away from your mom (for a while) for your sake and your child's. I'm serious. God Bless and best of happiness and luck. S. L.

This situation is tough...you can't force people to be a certain way because you want them to. You may want to take your daughter to visit when the other grand child is not around, this way there is not competition and it will give you a chance to see how your Step-Mom does without the boy.
Also, try the calm way of talking with your daughters cousin about being kind...he is four and I am sure he is jealous...he has his first competition...and that isn't easy for allot of kids..This competition happened allot in my in-laws family and all you can do is protect your child and be around all of the time until you see changes are being made. Having expectations that are this high can certainly cause you anxiety to want to move...do what is best for your immediate family. You can never go wrong. Just because it is family does not guarantee that there is love at first sight. It's easy to use the Step-Mom thing as a reason, but try and keep communication open at all times. Don't harbor negative feelings, it never ever helps anyone...Best of luck with all of you and congratulations on your beautiful baby girl...what a blessing...

Hello S., I too have a step mother who has been in my life since I was very young, and also have a sister with a "real" grandchild. While we live in another state so there isn't too much fussing we still feel the brunt of the "unreal" grandchildren. My dad and step mom treat my kids way different then my sisters little boy who is two. They forget my kids birthdays, and "can't afford" things at holidays....same old, same old. The only advice I can suggest is too stay away for a while, keep you visits when you go short, and require if she wants to see your kido then she needs to come to your house. If after a while she never comes and you aren't at a loss from not visiting, then make your choice to move. You daughter deserves to be happy and loved with stress free (as much as possible) parents. Like another poster said, when she is old enough she will most likely find someone to take the grandmother role....it wasn't for a lack of trying on your part....it is hers. I know that may sound mean, but I used to try to see my dad and step mom a lot, summer vacations and such, and the first year we went to florida with my then 5 month daughter and she was totally ignored and my step mom acted a bit mad that she had to spend time with us.....her grandson was 3 months old and she had to leave him for a week and maybe that made her mad that we required her time...i don't know, but we are better off not even worrying about it.
good luck
T.

Families are a good training ground for the real world. I do think that you waited too long to discuss the issue with your stepmother. However, some families deal with issues directly and sometimes dealing directly makes the issue worse. For instance, my husband deals with all issues regarding his family. I've tried to deal with them directly but it doesn't work. I can offend them by looking at them, not calling them via phone, or emailing. My husband carries alot of baggage because they are not the kind of people who want to be dealt with directly and cannot ever be WRONG! However, on the other hand my family doesn't like to talk about uncomfortable issues honestly. I'm having a great time watching my children challenge this one. You may find that while your child is young, you will need to police the family when you go around them and having your daughters best interest in mind is never wrong. If they are truly family, they will get over their hurt feelings and realize they raised you to be just as caring for your daughter as they were for you. Cut yourself some slack and stop second guessing every response, you are still learning how to be a Mom and just when you figure it out the situation changes. A. Burnette, Hillsborough, NC

S.

if it were me I would move back to the town you moved from and not tell your step mother. Then when you get settled call and tell her that you forgot to tell her that you and your husband were moving and let it go at that.

I really think you may be overreacting just a bit. What I am reading is that you have issues previous to you getting pregnant with your Step Mother and her relationship with your stepsiblings. Your nephew is 4 years old and I feel you are misplacing your insecurities with your step mom onto your nephew and your daughter. Please look closely at what I am saying and make sure that is not what you are doing.
I understand 4 year old boys can boy rowdey. Work with him on how you want him to treat your daughter, show him to go slower with the walker. Show him how he can enjoy her being around. Explain things to him. Also he is jealous of the new baby and the attention and I am sure Grandma is trying to be sensitive to that also. Hope this sheds some light.

I am really sadden by the situation your are facing. I do not think you are over-reacting, because eventually as your daughter ages, she is going to notice the difference as well, and be hurt by it.

Don't have an answer for what you can do though. This is your step-mother's problem. I am a step-mom myself. My husband and I have been married 13 months and between the two of us we have 7 children and 4 grandchildren. The grandchildren all technically belong to my husband, but I love them all. I have a diffent problem from you in that some, not all, of the adult children have a problem with me being involved in their children's lives. I have been pointedly, and not very nicely, reminded that I am not their mother, nor am I their children's grandmother.

Seems to me that there are those of us whose capacity to love is greater than others. I think it is wonderful that you want to involve your step-mother in your daughter's life. I wonder, has your step-mother ever been a step-child? If not, perhaps you could talk to her about how it feels to be a step-child. Take your daughter out of the picture and try to explain to her how you have or would have felt when/if you had been treated differently and how hurtful it is. I have been a step-child and I have used my past experience to try and grow up myself. Our lives and what we go through should help us to greet new experiences and new people with compassion and love.

I agree with you that the "real" grandchild needs a healthy dose of discipline and a lesson in how to treat others. And yes, if he isn't taught that important lesson now he will only get worse. Children need direction, they can't grow up well on their own. Grandma better think about how her grandson is going to treat her as he ages if he isn't taught now what love is. I can understand his acting out, since he has been the baby for so long, but that doesn't excuse anything that is happening right now. Everyone, including the parents of this child, need to get together and explain that he is still important and still loved, and that their is plenty of love to go around for everyone. They need to do it now, before the problem escalates. If I were you, until they handle this problem, or until your daughter is older, I would not leave her alone with him at all, and no, if he is endangering her, he shouldn't play with her. If that hurts his feelings, grandma's or anyone else's I'm sorry, but better hurt feelings that your daughter being hurt.

Good Luck. Would be interested in hearing how things work out for you.

K.

i don't have experience with this but while i was reading it i did see a few red flags that i think you should look at. i am a mother of a 2 yr old girl and my situation is i have no contact on my father's side. my mother is in heaven. i do have contact with her 2 sisters and only my cousins by 1 of those aunts. if i "kept score" then it would be very one sided. i have contact with my cousin and her children ages 4 and 2, only because i initiate it. she has an open door policy so we are welcome to come play anytime. i take the mature attitude that family is important so i continue to be the one who initiates. my point is family is important and one day your child and the 4 yr old may be close and their children may be close. don't close the door by pouting and moving. simply continue to do the right thing. at my cousins house if her child takes a toy away from my child and my cousin doesn't do anything then i step in and i parent! i say "it is not nice to take something out of someone's hand while they are playing with it and we take turns, you are a good boy and good boys do the right thing!

you are a new parent and very protective and that is good but sometimes you have to look at the big picture. another helpful tip is writing letters. when you feel you or your child has been wronged, if you write a letter ( not attacking) but let her know she has hurt your feelings and in your opinion............

hope it works out and congrats on your baby!

L.

Talk to your sister, talk to your dad, talk to your step mother. Listen to them, find the right language to help them hear you. You may be going through some issues from years ago that are unresolved (from everybody's part)...doesn't mean they aren't a problem today.
Basically be strong, define yourself without your extended family and then place yourself back in the family. Communicate through it.
We all have some issues, we all have those family members. But they are our family. If seeing less of them increases the quality of time spent, so be it.
Don't wait for your step mom's approval or praise in any part of your life; but don't isolate yourself from her completely.
Does your sister see the difference as well? Are you guys equal in each others eyes? Make sure you don't pass any of your issues on to your respective children. Let them have new issues of their own! LOL

It's wonderful that you bolstered the courage to express your feelings and that she tried to be receptive. Now she needs reassurance that her humility -- however tentative -- is worth the humiliation that she must have felt at the initial confrontation. I'd say that 'Grandma' needs to feel your approval. No matter how old we get, younger people still have influence over us and we still have feelings of inadequacy, intimidation, etc. that can make us feel 'put out'. Tell her that you're thankful that she let you 'vent' and that you appreciate her 'trying so hard' to keep things 'on the level' with your relationship and with the children. Invite her to your house for an afternoon or evening. Please believe me that she is probably FEELING 'reprimanded' and needs YOUR encouragement! (No one can help 'how they feel' about something, but if we acknowledge the 'feelings, they can be alleviated from within and by others' responses to us). She sounds fairly reasonable, to me. It could've been much worse when you confronted her with the issue!

I understand how frustrating this kind of favoritism can be.. my sister and I were the least favorite of the grandchildren because my grandparents always had bad feelings for my mom because my parents eloped and moved away (wonder why?). I am 37yo now and my parents have been married for 43 years and it is still obvious. I also had a similar situation with my mother-in-law--- she had 3 boys and 2 grandsons before my husband and I had the first grandDAUGHTER (now 6 1/2). Her first comment when she found out we were having a girl --"we'll you are going to have more children, right??-- Anyway, I have learned to deal with both of these situations and am at peace with how both my grandparents and mother-in-law treat me and my daughter. It truly is THEIR loss and I have chosen to be the better person. Not to say it still doesn't hurt sometimes but I am not going to let it get me down.
My best advice for you is to do what you feel you need to do for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. You cannot change your step mother.. neither how she acts OR how she feels. The longer you try, the more heartache it will mean for you. You said "your piece" and it didn't seem to make a difference. Don't mention it again. Don't say negative things in front of your daughter. The hardest part will be when your daughter is old enough to sense that she is not treated the same. Be supportive for her and tell her that you love her.. in the end your daughter will know it is her grandmother's loss. Don't let the bitter feeling you have now make you miserable and miss out on what is really important- making memories with those who love and support you!!!

The four year old could be acting out b/c of the new addition to the family (jealousy), or he could just be a brat. Either way, it's unacceptable behavior for a four and a half year old. They're not stupid; they know exactly what they're doing. I used to teach preschool, and four year olds are normally pretty aware of acceptable behavior. If he's not, then he needs some better parenting/discipline. I'd be interested to know if your sister allows him to behave this way or if he only does it around Grandma.

If the kid behaves this way every time you're there, and the grandma truly is showing favoritism, then I simply wouldn't visit them often. Don't make a big deal over it; she's likely not going to change her tune. Don't give them ultimatums about moving if she doesn't start acting more grandparently toward your daughter. I just don't think it would help. Just go on about your life, have fun with your daughter, send them Christmas cards, pictures, etc, but don't involve them in the day to day events if they don't appreciate it.

Your daughter will likely not be offended by this when she's older. She can't miss a relationship she never had to begin with. My mother's biological father has never been grandparently toward me. I haven't seen him in...gosh, it's probably been close to fifteen years. He had his moments when he attempted a relationship, but it never panned out. I really couldn't care less...his loss.

Unfortunately, the one that will likely be hurt most in this is you. Maybe you could find a surrogate type grandparent for your daughter. If you attend church, I bet there are tons of old ladies out there with no family in town that would love to spend time with your family and baby. If you don't attend one...you could always find a church...they're everywhere, and most welcome new members with open arms. There are many other places you could look as well...like your own neighborhood. I'm sure these people would be ecstatic to have a surrogate family.

Good luck and God bless! I pray that you find comfort in whatever you decide to do!

Hi S.,

I am a mother of 4 who has been in a similar situation. The Mommy instinct to protect your child is a powerful one but please don't let it sever your ties with your family! I agree that teaching a four year old right from wrong is important but I do think you are overreacting! Your daughter will be in MANY MANY situations with family and friends where you will need to intervene with other children. Remember, he is a child!!Instead of involving your step-mother why don't you talk to his Mom about your concerns? I'm sure your step-mother is trying to keep both of you and her grandchildren happy!
As for the favortism, I wouldn't worry about it...she'll have a different relationship with your daughter than she does with her grandson. My mother -in-law is MUCh closer to my nsister-in-laws children and seems to prefer them at times. I used to et all upset by it until I realized that my children were oblivious to this and I was the one creating the problem!
To move away is a rash decision that is denying your daughter an important family realtionships. Why doesn't your step-mother come over alone to visit some time without your nephew? I promise, as a mother with 4 boys who has some expereince with this-he will get better and your daughter will probably love his company when she gets older!!
Hope this helps-good luck!
N.

This can happen whether the person is a "step" or not. My "step" mother is my mom and grandmother to my children. But another grandmother to my two children chose to be grandmother only to her the biological granddaughter of my 2 girls. She did not realize how much that hurt the one she loved because the one she loved loved her little sister. As they grew - it became obvious.

Whatever - it doesn't matter. She could've had the 2 granddaughters in her life rather than just the one. Life is the way it is.

My girls grew up just fine and both love the other grandmother dearly - my "step"mom who did not play favorites.

The kids don't realize it when they are young - just us... and it is up to us to give our kids self-esteem and not speak ill of the person, and not make a deal out of it. When they are older - they may realize it themselves and we were gracious and just said the woman was in pain, and yes - it wasn't fair, but that's the way it is. We must just forgive her and hold no hard feelings. Because that would only harm us.

I am glad we took the high road.

I can empathize with you. I was young when I became an aunt and my sister babied her children, especially her son, so much that it seemed they could do no wrong. Any time I would say anything to correct them, it turned into a big deal. She thought I was jealous of her kids because I still lived at home and they were taking my attention, but I could care less about that when her kids were running around my parents house tearing things up left and right. Finally one day she laid into me for correcting my nephew when he was in the process of breaking one of my mother's belongings. I told her that if she wasn't going to correct her kids when they were at our house then I was. If your nephew isn't going to behave himself and no one else is going to correct him when he is rough with your daughter, you have a right to be upset and let your feelings known. If others are offended, then they have the problem. My children are expected to behave and are corrected when they step out of line. I don't have to worry about leaving them at my in laws or my parents house because they know how they are expected to behave. He's just 4 years old is no excuse for the abscence of training. You can train a dog to be obedient. You can train a child to be also. It is a lazy parent, or grand parent, who uses the excuse of age for negative behavior in an unruly child. It is wrong for your step mother to play favorites and it is doubly wrong for your daughter to be the victim of your nephews antics because her pride was hurt when you voiced your concern. However, you will not be able to change her with words or even by moving away. If your hope is to change her, all you can do is leave it up to God to change her heart. If your hope is to have her in your daughter's life, I would try to only visit when your nephew is not around, not to prove a point to anyone, but simply for safety's sake, and not make mention of why it is that way. You have already made that clear and saying it over and over again will not cause change but more ill feelings. Sometimes even though you know you are right, you have to accept people for who they are in order to have them in your life at all. The choice you have to make is if it is worth the trouble to have her in your life. My sister and I still don't see eye to eye and her son has been in his share of trouble, but I love her, and I love him. I don't let them push me, and I let them know where I stand on certain issues when they arise, but I do my best to leave it alone after that, and I leave it to God to do the work in them that needs to be done.

Why don't you try talking to your sister? It sounds like your step mother has issues. As far as your nephew putting his hands on your 5 month old. If anyone has a problem with you correcting him or protecting your child then you should tell them to back off or you should not put your child around them. You are the only voice your child has right now but as she gets older she will see how you let other people treat you and you certainly don't want to appear weak to her. There is only so much you should take and if your step mother cannot treat the children equally then she is not going to be a good grandma for your little girl anyway. Stand up for your family or don't take your family around those type of people. I know this sounds easy but I had a step grandma growing up and she never treated the "real" grandchildren or the "step" grandchildren any differently. I also have another step grandma and she did treat us differently so my mother only subjected us to her very occasionally(THANK GOD). Just remember in the end that your child is going to suffer if you try to make the step mom do the right thing.

.

S. T,

Not to get all into your business, but where is your father is he not in the picture anymore. If he is not I am sorry. But if he is what does he have to say about this matter. Sounds to me that your nephew repeats only what he has heard. Remember the old girl scout saying, "Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the other is gold". If you and your husband want to move for other reasons then do so, but don't let a family member make that major decision for you. Keep your head up and continue to love your daughter.

I have to say that I am going through most of the same thing. Except it is my mother and my nephew is 12! Let me tell you that it never gets better, they are always the first and always will be spoiled. I have two children that my mother loves but rarely sees them. My nephew stays at her house EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND for his entire life! My sister gets every weekend with her husband alone and my mom NEVER will let my kids stay over. She says they are too young, even though my nephew has been staying with her since he was one yrs old. My kids are 5 and 2 1/2. I also confronted my mother and my sister after years of this going on. My sister and I got into a fight and we have not spoken in over a year. My mother told me I was acting ridiculous and we did not speak for months. Nothing has changed. Here is my only advice to you....My husband says that these children do not know any different. By the time they are old enough to really understand it, my nephew won't want much to do with grandma b/c he will be a teenager going on his own. He says they only know what they have experienced, only I know what I wanted for them. So, let it go. You have said your peace. The only thing you can do is back off, only let her see them when she wants to and if you can, see if she can spend time alone with your daughter, without the other grandchild. Tell her that you want her to have time to get to know your daughter. Also, as your daughter gets older she will be cuter, walking around, talking, etc and your step mom will have more fun around her. Right now as a baby she is great to hold and love on but her personality has not come out yet. Just wait until she starts loving on her grandma, your step mom will melt. Good luck!

W. M. M'boro, Tn

Where is your Dad in this whole mess? Doesn't he care about the treatment of his grand daughter? I suggest talking to him and see if he can straighten out your step monster. If no luck there, move away, far, far away. ;) Or forget about step granny and go adopt some nice old lady at a nursing home. People in nursing homes love visits, sometimes regardless of who's visiting. Make sure you mention it when your wicked step-mother asks where you've been, and she will. It will either snap her into being a doting granny or prove once and for all that she is not worthy of your daughter's presence. :) Good luck!

This is what i would do.One when the son does something that is dangerous to the daughter and you have to displine him as the mother that is your right.If grandma doesnt like it..to bad..those are you children not hers.If son is going to behave that way at grandmas house you stop taking him there specially if he doesnt treat little sister differnently anywhere else but grandmas.Sounds like he is doing it at her house to get praise from grandma.Picking up on her attitude towards the daughter.Have you talk to your husband about the boys behavior?Sounds like you have..do what is best from YOUR children.Move if need be.If grandma wants to see the grandbabies she will just have to make an effort and visit on your terms.

This is what I did when my boys were younger..
I grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling and swearing.When I moved out I didnt realise how much it effected me until we started to go back and visit.I would become physically ill and tremble.I didnt know why this would happened until I figured out it was the stress of going back home.My family would still behave like that.It wasnt good for me,my husband or our children.So one day when we were going there I said to my husband if the fighting/yelling starts we are gone.Well guess what,after a short visit the fighting/yelling started.I let it go for a few minutes and then said 'I've had enough'.We picked up our son,diaper bag said by see ya and left.I was shaking like a leaf.We went to his family for supper and visit which was an hour away.Mom in law notice how upset I was and we told her what happened.Finally got home with the phone ringing and had a long discussion with my mother.Since then when ever the fighting/swearing would start my mother would put a stop to it right now since we didnt get into the big city to visit often.

My point to this story is that you have to do whats best for you,your children and family.They come first..inlaws come second..good luck..
S. B